Ecology of consumption. People: If you realize that your psyche is constantly looking for reasons to shake up and greedily rushes to any reason to panic, when you understand how it works...

90% of our worries concern what will never happen, Margaret Thatcher accurately calculated.

And Zhvanetsky suggested "Let's deal with troubles as they come", – and this is the healthiest and most effective scheme.

Neither be afraid in advance, nor get upset later and mentally return, but just like that - as you arrive.

But that’s exactly how it doesn’t work out.

- Constantly worried about something - this is our normal state. At the same time, what we know is that anxiety does not help, but greatly hinders solving problems. But we don’t know what we’ll do if we stop freaking out and worrying, right? Some kind of emptiness forms inside, where does it go? This is the problem.

- Anxiety is fear without an address. They worsen most strongly at dusk - scientific fact. And so parents worry about their children, girls worry about boys, boys worry about money... Some people think that this is how the world works. Nothing like this. This is how only the world of neurotics works, who create hell in their heads every minute.

- Anxious for no reason or for an insignificant reason – this is what it means to be neurotic. In our country these are the majority.

- How do mentally healthy people differ from neurotics? The fact that they, of course, are also nervous, but experience real emotions that have real weighty reasons - these are specific events, irritants in outside world. Neurotics, on the other hand, continuously generate the causes of their irritation within themselves.

- For anxious people, life is just a series of problems, that need to be resolved and worries that need to either be drowned out (with alcohol, for example), or realized (to throw a full tantrum), for example. So you look, and the day has passed.

- A neurotic always needs that fly in the ointment in any, the biggest barrel of honey. Discomfort, frustration, anger, resentment - feelings with which they are familiar, they are always at home with them. And what is typical is that they themselves do not know how to enjoy life and do not let others enjoy it.

- When the psyche is sharpened by excitement, there will be no reason for the matter: an unwashed cup in the sink, a toilet seat that hasn’t been lowered, the dollar exchange rate, drunks on the subway... And off we go in the morning. After all, if a person has a need for constant experiences, he needs to lean into some kind of negativity in order to “calm down” and say to himself: “I’m not just worried, I’m worried about it!” Do you understand what a substitution is? At first you are afraid of everything and only then find something to put your fear into.

By the way, many, with all the desire and opportunity to live abroad, nevertheless remain in the country - here we have a lot to be nervous about, but in old Europe there are no reasons for worry to the usual level - and it’s boring, and sad and all that.

- One day, try to stop and find out for sure: What are you nervous about? How adequate is your reaction to the available stimuli? Or are you still neurotic and are nervous not because you child Unified State Examination, there is a crisis in the country, and there are layoffs at work, and only because you can’t help but be nervous. As Sigmund said: “The scale of your personality is determined by the magnitude of the problem that can piss you off.” So what is your scale?

- In addition, many people in childhood develop such a stable and life-damaging emotion as self-pity. I advise you to think about the topic - why are you feeling sorry for yourself now? Are there serious reasons for self-pity? Why do you feel inferior, feel like a victim? Or maybe all this happens by inertia? Maybe it’s better to try not to feel sorry for yourself, but to act to eliminate the causes of your disorders?

If you realize that your psyche is constantly looking for reasons to shake up and greedily rushes to any reason to panic, when you understand how this works, you will have a chance to go into the category normal people and remember that anxieties, worries, fears, neurotic reactions do not allow you to develop, grow, or realize yourself - neither in personal relationships nor in work.

When I was at school, above the blackboard in our class there was a poster with Lenin’s statement: “We will take a different path!” So for centuries we have been following some other path, perpendicular to the whole world. And this pose, and this enormous resentment towards the whole world, which is supposedly up in arms against us, and this aggression, as a consequence of the resentment - all these are factors that seriously influence the psyche of an entire nation, an entire country. “Be vigilant - the enemy is not asleep”, “A chatterbox is a godsend for a spy”, “Have you passed the GTO standards?” Where can I relax here?

Also interesting:

- The origins of anxiety as a way of life again and always lie in childhood, in the fears of parents and of course, in genetics. Our grandmothers, great-grandmothers and great-grandfathers, and I suspect all this goes back centuries, were forced to live with caution and certainly none of them lived as they wanted. Therefore, such a lifestyle is not natural for us. But someone has to start... published

Best Interview

“Love is the experience of childhood emotions and nothing more,” says psychologist, host of his own radio program Mikhail Labkovsky. - Character, age, appearance do not play a role in success in your personal life. For those who doubt, I advise you to look at Yoko Ono, the current wife of Woody Allen, the wife of Pierce Brosnan. The list goes on."

People love to blame their parents for their problems today. For example, recently a 50-year-old woman called your program and attributes her unsettled personal life to the fact that her father left her and her mother at the age of three. How important are childhood experiences really?

They are important, of course, but I am not a fan of psychoanalysis - I prefer to solve the problem here and now. Not everything is so simple. Let’s say that as a child, your dad put out cigarette butts on you, and your mom pushed needles under your nails, but that’s not why you became neurotic. It’s just that at two months you were sent to the hospital for three days with staphylococcus, and there you found yourself in a closed box among strangers. This became a psychological trauma that influenced your further mental reactions. By the way, I had a worse story. At one of my consultation lectures on the relationship between parents and children, a woman from the audience said: “Yes, my mother put out cigarettes on me.” Then I give an example about a child in a hospital, and she gets up and clarifies: “I was not two months old, but three, but I spent a week there and still remember that childhood feeling of horror.” At the end, she finished off the whole room, including me, by telling how, being pregnant, she was waiting ambulance- bleeding began, - and the mother did not open the door to the doctors, saying that people like her should not live. This man really had a difficult relationship with his mother.

Parents can have a strong influence on you, but this may not happen. We know prosperous two-parent families in which the child grows up to be aggressive, or infantile, or neurotic, and so on. Yes, you will be tired of looking for factors in his past and trying to find in them the roots of today's problems.

If you don’t have a good relationship with the opposite sex or you can’t realize yourself, you’ll be stuck in a job you don’t like for years, your parents have nothing to do with it. I'll say more. As long as you consider them or other people to be involved in your problems, you, relatively speaking, cannot outgrow your age of five. As an adult, you act like a child. Any person needs to take responsibility for his life and reconcile with his parents. In any case, I advise you to do so. If you don't accept them, you don't accept yourself.

- People often go to psychotherapists who are trying to deal with their own problems. Which ones did you decide?

I had a disease called ADHD - attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Even at school, I couldn’t concentrate on anything, I was practically unteachable: I couldn’t write a sentence to the end, understand the terms of a math problem, and so on. Over time, this gave rise to fear: what will happen next if I am not able to bring anything to its logical conclusion? I definitely didn’t want to be a loser. With the help of psychology and the appropriate pills, I basically solved this problem.

I have a rich one work history- I started working at the age of 14. The first place was the zoo. My aunt really wanted to place me somewhere for the summer, because, again, I was uncontrollable. At first I came to the packaging and cooperage plant, which produces beer barrels, but they didn’t take me there - I’m still a teenager. But they accepted me into the zoo. There I had to look after the kangaroos and rodents that were fed to the larger animals. There were four of us teenagers working there: three boys and one girl. One of the guys got a job to earn money for his girl to have an abortion. The operation then cost 50 rubles, and we earned 72 rubles. So imagine, we were playing cards for money and he lost his salary. But we chipped in and gave him the required 50 rubles.

During my student days I worked part-time as a janitor. IN kindergarten for children of KGB employees. It was located on the first floor of a residential building, where committee members sent their children for a five-day week. How they shouted, dear mother! Sometimes a teacher would fly out to the door and yell at some mother: “At least take the child in your arms!” And she answered sternly: “No time, a lot of work.”

I became a psychologist later, and at first they were in no hurry to hire me in my specialty because I was Jewish. I remember how I got a job as a teacher at the famous school No. 67, many came from it famous people. About her in Soviet time The BBC channel made a program. When I got there, the head of RONO called the director in front of me and said into the phone that the quota for Jews in the schools of the Kyiv region had already been fulfilled, so there was no way they could accept me. As a result, I ended up in a gymnasium where people like me were not touched, because its director was a Jew. I'm talking about school No. 43 (now gymnasium No. 1543 - Note "TN"). There were strict requirements for students, iron discipline, but at the same time almost one hundred percent of graduates entered universities. In my class, for example, the son of the famous cultural scientist Sergei Averintsev studied - the boy successfully studied six languages, including Latin, from the first grade. There were no special problems with children there. Later, I went to study in Israel and for some time worked with teenagers who ended up in juvenile detention centers. In Israel, I first began to practice as a family psychologist. Now I also conduct private consultations, but I myself am more interested in public consultations.

Both at your lectures and on the radio, people often complain about their unloved job and the fear of losing it. No wonder: another crisis is around the corner, some people are without work at all. Perhaps it really isn't best time change something?

Believe me, there are a lot of people around who are doing great. I'm definitely not complaining. IN troubled times enterprising people simply change strategy, successful businessmen They sense what people need right now and offer it to them. I live in the Bronnaya area and I can say that the number of expensive restaurants around has decreased. But many Chinese eateries, snack bars, and burger joints have opened - all with affordable prices. People adapt to a specific economic situation. And some just throw up their hands and tear out their hair. If you were able to earn money once, accumulate capital, you can always do it again. It’s like with a bicycle: once you learn to ride, you won’t forget how to ride for the rest of your life.

But you're talking about employees, the best of whom are anxious people. Those who are always worried about the result, double-check everything ten times, submit reports ahead of time and will never leave their employer, even if they don’t like something for a long time. Because they have low self-esteem, fear cannot be found new job and be left without money. Such people can live their entire lives with their fears.

As for those suffering at work they don’t like, these are people who, in principle, are accustomed to suffering. Their list of worries is endless: they worry about their unloved husband, about their relationship with married man finally, because there are scoundrels, scum, and so on all around. What is the difference between healthy people and neurotics? The first ones are also worried, experiencing negative emotions, but this is always a reaction to real life situations. And neurotics themselves form a feeling of anxiety, beginning to fear death, illness, divorce, loss of work, money, and other things. Nothing like this actually happens to them, but they are afraid in advance. Of course, work can be unloved. Well then, change it! No, this thought does not occur to the sufferer. Another job will be even worse! Actually, they haven’t come up with a job for me yet! All you need is a reason to suffer. Believe me, there is a job that gives pleasure and that pays well.

And if, for example, a person loves his job, works for himself and for that guy, and his bosses are in no hurry to reward him financially, how can he hint at a salary increase?

It’s very simple: come to your boss and state the amount you want to receive. And then remain silent. As a rule, people immediately rush to explain why they need to increase their salary: “I’ve been working for you for 20 years, I have the responsibilities of several people, I have a mortgage...” - and so on. All these explanations turn into excuses and complaints, for which no one will give a penny. Do not do this. Answer your boss’s questions: “I think I’m worthy of this money,” that is, speak honestly. But you must be prepared to leave this job if they don’t agree to your terms, otherwise no one will believe your stomping foot the second time. One girl told me at a lecture that she wanted to achieve a 30 percent increase in salary, but in the end she got an increase of 50 percent.

You have a lecture-consultation called “How to make children happy.” Everyone wants to know this secret. What is most important in this difficult process?

There are no secrets. The most important thing is to accept children as they are. This is generally one of the concepts of love - acceptance of the whole person. You are happy that you have a child and do not demand that he meet your expectations. When a child is loved because he brought an A, but in the case of a D he is not loved, he gains confidence: the love of his parents must be earned. Most of our citizens sincerely think that love can be earned. No you can not. Many, almost from the maternity hospital, strive to send their child to an equestrian sports and ballroom club, and so that they can speak English and French from the cradle, although scientists have long proven the uselessness early development. There is no need to force children to do something they don't want to do. And you shouldn’t even go to psychologists - first, sort out your own head. You can make your children happy only by solving your psychological problems.

Once upon a time, my parents brought their 16-year-old son, a drug addict, to see me. Things haven't gotten to the point of serious drugs yet, but the teenager started dabbling in something. I sent my parents for a walk and decided to talk to him face to face. I ask: who allegedly paid for your coming here? He: “Parents, I’m a schoolboy. Where did I get the money, uncle? But I understand: it won’t do any good if mom and dad bring him here by the hand. If a person himself is not aware of his problems, everything is useless. I tell the guy that I won’t work with him: I don’t want to be paid for him. He leaves in bewilderment. He returned a few months later with a bag of iron change that he collected himself! And then the problem began to be solved. True, back then my consultations were cheaper than they are today. (Laughs.)

- How did you raise your own daughter? Have you always been the perfect father?

I'm not proud of the way I raised her. And I wasn't always so normal. (Laughs.) I admit that I often behaved incorrectly: I demanded something, found fault, insisted, and so on. In principle, at one time I was an intolerant person: it seemed to me that everyone around me was, conventionally, abnormal, there was something wrong with them. In fact, when a person does not accept someone, he first of all does not accept himself. When you solve this problem, your attitude towards people changes. I adored my daughter, but sometimes behaved strangely. Our relationship changed when she turned 25 (she's 30 now). I began to accept her for who she is. The only thing I still can’t get used to is that she often changes her hair color - she can dye it whatever she wants! But these are minor things. I am proud of my daughter - she also served in the Israeli army, Dasha is a senior sergeant in field intelligence. When she was 18, we had a conflict: I didn’t see that she wanted to do anything. That is, she sat at home during the day, and in the evening she had meetings with friends and entertainment. At some point I said harshly: you either study or go to work, there are no options. And then the daughter received a summons to the army, which she waved in front of her dad’s nose! I went to serve. It was funny when I called her and heard a terrible roar on the phone: “Dad, we’ll finish bombing now, and I’ll call you back.” I was more worried when she returned to Moscow and fearlessly walked the streets at night. Here dad was a little scared. Now my daughter is married. I hope there will be grandchildren soon.

- I'm proud of my daughter. Dasha served in the Israeli army - she is a senior field intelligence sergeant

It’s good for her: there is a dad who knows the answers to most questions. It seems to me that people sometimes mistake psychologists for wizards. After all, you really want someone else to solve all your problems for you...

Previously, I would have agreed with you, but now I really offer a technique that can change your life. These are six rules, and if a person uses them, his mental reactions to the same situations change. It doesn’t matter what kind of psychological trauma there was in childhood - a person learns to react to life situations differently. The rules are as follows: do only what you want; don't do what you don't want; immediately talk about what you don’t like; not answering when not asked; answer only questions addressed to yourself; When sorting things out, talk exclusively about yourself.

As I understand it, the first rule causes the most criticism? It's hard to imagine what will happen if people start doing exclusively what they want. At the very least, many would stop working.

Yes, people simply do not always understand the meaning of the first rule. And they often ask: “So if I want to kill everyone around me, I can’t deny myself anything?” Comrades, if you want to shoot everyone, you have mental disorders - you need to see a psychiatrist, but this is no longer my diocese, I am a psychologist. The rule says something else: even when you are faced with an everyday choice of what to wear, what to eat, whether to marry this man, you always need to honestly ask yourself what

Psychology of money: it’s easier not to save, but I really want to get a loan. Not what will be better for someone, more useful, more expedient, and so on, but what I want. Let's take a primitive example. Many women want to lose weight and at the same time love to eat. So she gets up in the morning and brews the hated oatmeal with boiling water - explaining to herself that she needs to eat it in order to lose weight, in order to please someone and get married. Yes, this is ordinary masochism and victim reasoning. Not if you convince yourself that you love eating oatmeal with water, for God's sake. But my rule teaches an adult to do what he wants. Appearance, weight, age have no bearing on success in your personal life.

What does it have? Why do we have so many women with unsettled personal lives? Nice, successful girls with active life position, but there is no beloved man. And by the way, is it worth looking for?

Let's go in order. Why is a woman lonely? Perhaps because she doesn’t like men in principle. On the one hand, she wants a relationship, because it seems like it should be, all her girlfriends are getting married, but if in reality a young man on the street looks at her with interest, she immediately turns away in response or makes such a grimace that the poor man recoils in horror! And a man approaches a woman only when he reads approval in her eyes. Men, like children, read everything. Therefore, one of the reasons that it doesn’t work out personal life, - communication problems. There are still girls who want people to appreciate their richness first inner world. This is a story from the series “no one understands me, they all need only one thing”! As a rule, such young ladies have problems with communication since school, or even since childhood... Finally, another category of women who find it difficult to get married are problematic women. This is when a young lady on the first date talks about how difficult her life is, how tired she is of raising a child alone and how she expects a man to share her worries. And for a man, marriage is always a responsible step that needs to be decided upon. So don't look for someone to help you with your problems. First, deal with them yourself, and then get married.

If you dig deeper and get into psychoanalysis, it is possible that even in childhood this girl had difficult relationship with his father or he was absent altogether. And, as a consequence, the result is the same: a relationship with a man in adult life in a sense, they always repeat the relationship with their parents... Yes, there are many reasons, in fact. There are women who abstractly want to get married. Not for a specific beloved man, but just to get married - because it’s necessary! Others get stuck in neurotic relationships for years or waste time with married people. If you want to get married, stop dating these people. At first it will be hard, like a drug addict during withdrawal, but then it will let go. The person who rejects you should not make you want to be with him. This is a sign of a neurotic relationship. You are healthy when you are interested in men who are interested in you.

Often, when telling how to get out of these very neurotic relationships, you give the example of the story of how you quit smoking after 37 years. Is this a fair comparison?

Yes, after all, the same dependence takes place: in one case - from a person, in the other - from nicotine. Where do the legs of neurotic relationships grow from, in which one person or both suffer at once? Often such people experienced a lack of parental love in childhood. They suffered when, for example, they were sent to camp for the whole summer, or their parents went to another city to work, or simply mom and dad were cold people. That is, the child has formed a rigid connection: love is suffering, an experience. And then the child grows and begins to unconsciously look for a partner who also causes him suffering. It seems to him that this is love. For example, when a man cheats on a woman, mocks her, says that she is fat and so on, but she loves him and is sure that this is true a real man. Wives beaten by alcoholics like to say that when a man doesn’t drink, he’s golden: he’ll play with the children and nail down a shelf... I once had a woman at a reception whose husband broke her arm at a wedding. She assured that in principle he was normal, she loved him very much. If such a woman meets a man who carries her bags from the store and carefully covers her with a blanket at night, she is bored with him, he annoys her: “Like a woman!”

The first thing to do if you find yourself in a neurotic relationship is to recognize that there is an addiction. Not love, but dependence on a person. Dot. I smoked for 37 years, nothing scared me, although health problems had already begun. When I realized that I didn’t like smoking, but was addicted to nicotine, I quit after a month. And since then I have never smoked and feel great in the company of smokers.

When you leave such a relationship, withdrawal will begin. You will miss your usual emotions, you will begin to remember only the good things - this is a normal reaction. How to proceed? Accustom yourself to immediately talk about what doesn’t suit you. As soon as you feel that you don’t like something in a man’s behavior - no matter what it is: he didn’t keep his promise, he raised his voice, he didn’t give him his coat - immediately talk about it. And only once: they say, if this happens again, we will separate. Has the situation happened again? There is no need to explain anything else - make a decision and leave. If you learn to behave this way, over time you will stop being attracted to men who make you suffer.

And you always need to be yourself. Any attempt to bend over backwards, to force someone to like you, which includes, God forbid, going to a plastic surgeon to change your appearance, is doomed to failure and only speaks of your lack of self-confidence. No one has ever been loved for trying to be someone else. You will definitely be loved for who you are, simply because you will subconsciously remind someone of their mother. In this sense, nature ordered it so that everyone could find a mate. Love is the experience of childhood emotions and nothing more. And character, age, appearance do not play any role here. For those who doubt, I advise you to look at John Lennon's widow Yoko Ono, Woody Allen's current wife, Pierce Brosnan's wife or Melanie Griffith, Antonio Banderas' ex-wife - the list goes on. In my opinion, you can’t look at it without tears.

- You always need to be yourself. Any attempt to bend, to force someone to like you is doomed to failure and speaks of your lack of self-confidence. No one has ever been loved for trying to be someone else.

- Aren’t you married yourself?

So I was married. Yes, the marriage ended in divorce and failure, but, of course, I can well imagine myself being married again. Another thing is that I have reached a state in which I can live with a woman, or I can be alone - and I feel good either way. After all, loneliness is not the absence of a wife or husband, it is when a person is uninteresting to himself. Often this manifests itself already in childhood, when the child cannot occupy himself independently and endlessly reaches for his mother’s skirt. Then the child grows up and cannot live alone: ​​something weighs on him, he is bored, uncomfortable. And, being married, such people can also be very lonely. Therefore, I would like to repeat once again: there is no need to use marriage or relationships as a way to solve your problems. First deal with what is in your head, and then get married or get married.

In this sense, it is easier for men. Both at fifty and at seventy you can have a child, divorce a woman the same age and marry a companion half your age... People also say: gray hair in the beard, devil in the rib.

No one gets divorced because he turned fifty and suddenly wanted to marry a young woman. This means that there was initially a flawed relationship that came to an end. The key to family happiness is not the notorious compromises, because of which people often end up seeing cardiologists and oncologists, but a stable psyche. If it is present, a person can love one partner all his life and be happy with him. And if the psyche is unstable, then today he loves one,

With men who leave for younger people, it’s a different story. This is a fear of age and inadequacy, a kind of attempt to regain elusive youth at the expense of a companion half his age.

By the way, my ex-wife When she was about fifty, she married for the third time. She even consulted with me about which of the applicants to choose, but in the end she still decided in her own way. (Smiles.) And the famous Elizabeth Taylor, who was married eleven times? Some people walk down the aisle regularly, while others have never been there - everything depends on the person, and not on gender and age.

- What kind of complexes did you personally have in communicating with women?

When I was young, I considered it a failure if the first date did not end in sex. I thought that I was being rejected in this way, that there was something wrong with me. Friends twirled their fingers near their temples: they say, what are you doing, no one owes you anything! But I had such a thing. It has passed with age. The irony is that now, as a psychologist, I explain to women that you can have sex whenever you want. Girls who are confident in themselves are not tormented by the question: should I agree to intimacy on the first date, and what if he leaves me after that? If a man doesn’t like you, he will leave you even after the tenth date. But if you are pursuing the goal of having dinner ten times at his expense, it’s up to you, you can stall for time.

There are women who worry if a man doesn’t call them back after the first date, it means he’s not hooked. Is not it?

I remember how the mother of the singer Cher told her daughter: “You need to find a wealthy, strong, accomplished man.” To which Cher replied: “Mom, that man is me.” What is the psychology of the victim: “If he didn’t call back, it means he didn’t like me”? You, too, can tell a man in the morning: “Old man, everything was fine, you call, don’t disappear! If I have time, we’ll meet!” You know, I reconsidered my views on life: there are no conquerors and hunters. People just have to like each other and do what they want. And it doesn’t matter what date it happened on.

- Do you believe in fate? Maybe everything is already predetermined to a certain extent?

No, I believe that people can change their lives, and at any time. It’s just that from the point of view of karma, what they changed is also part of their life, but they don’t know about it yet. I have a favorite story on this topic. One girl got an A and walked home, holding her head up proudly, but ended up falling and breaking her leg. And the other one got a bad mark and walked with her eyes down on the floor - and found a wallet with money. Nobody knows what will actually be best for you and what awaits you tomorrow.

The first and most important, although at the same time the most vague sign: next to this person you feel somehow wrong. Even if you find it difficult to give this feeling a clear definition, if you feel uncomfortable, this is an important symptom. You may feel this as anxiety, uncertainty, tension or wariness. Don't make the common mistake of trying to analyze this feeling and find its cause. I repeat, you are not a psychologist, not a psychotherapist, not a psychiatrist, you are not this man’s attending physician. You should not look for the origins of the feelings that arise in you, and especially not blame yourself for experiencing them. Since you feel uncomfortable with this man, what difference does it really make, why exactly? There is no reason to continue a relationship with someone who does not bring positive emotions into your life.

But let’s still be a little more specific about what neurosis reveals in a man.

For example, many neurotics love to brag. This usually concerns money, career, social status. It may seem that the man is simply successful and trying to make a favorable impression. But a truly successful and accomplished man will not stick it out because, roughly speaking, he doesn’t itch there. There is a saying: “Whoever hurts, talks about it.” In this case it is a perfect illustration. If a man has a good career, business, high salary, he is confident in himself and his professionalism, he is in best case scenario will mention the field of activity and position. He doesn't need to convince you (and himself) how cool he is. He already knows this.

This is exactly the same phenomenon that occurs with many writers: they write about what they lack. And clowns and comedians turn out to be the most depressive and sad people in real life. It is human nature to compensate, so listen to what the man tells you - he actually names his problem, his sore spot.

If he says that he is the life of the party, he has a lot of friends, everything free time scheduled minute by minute - most likely, he is incredibly lonely, does not know how to build long-term relationships, does not know how to make friends. And, as if informing you in advance about his busyness and demand, he drives you into a situation where you will feel that you are not interesting enough to him, if he hasn’t called, that his friends are closer to him than you, so he doesn’t spend the weekend with you. And you have nothing to do with it at all, these are his cockroaches and his neurosis.

Another example: a neurotic man is so unsure of himself as a man, in his masculine traits, that he surrounds himself with signs of status in order to please a woman. On the one hand, this is understandable, because given a choice, a woman is more likely to give preference to a wealthier, more successful, wealthy man. But a truly successful man will not put on a super expensive watch, a jacket with a recognizable pattern, or carry a wallet with a bright logo. Look at Mark Zuckerberg, Steve Jobs followed the same strategy. Clothing should be comfortable, high quality and appropriate, everything else is tinsel for neurotics.

The second type of neurotic is a whiner. Everything is always bad for him, he will begin the story about the past day with the fact that the weather was terrible, the work was disgusting, the colleagues were disgusting, the boss was a tyrant. In general, the whole world is against him. He is naturally talented and has a subtle mental organization, no one understands him, no one loves him, he is very lonely. Here, don’t get caught and don’t turn on the “I’ll save him” mode. You won’t save it, you’ll only ruin your life. He can't be saved because he doesn't want to. He wants to drink all the juices from you, and when you break down, he will say that you, like other women, have terribly disappointed him, and will leave into the night. You will be raking up feelings of guilt and your own inadequacy. A variation of this type is the narcissist, who talks only about himself, who is the center of the Universe, and you are given the role of saying admiringly “Ah!” at the right moment. This man was not praised as a child, and he makes up for it by putting you in the place of an imaginary mother to hear: “What a great job you are, son!”

The third common type of neurotic is the altruist. He is ready to help everyone, and at the same time - I want to emphasize this - he in every possible way promotes such a lack of silver. Like, money is decay, material wealth is low, consumer society is degradation, and he says all this with incredible enthusiasm. These are not at all the beautiful impulses of the soul, this is not nobility, this is neurosis. A healthy, harmonious person values ​​himself and his time, his strength, and also knows how to value the time and strength of other people. It's okay to do work for money. It's okay to pay others to do the work. It’s normal to do charity work and help someone who can’t cope for free, but it’s not normal to raise it and carry it like a banner, like, look, I help for free, I’m generous, look at me and feel your insignificance. By the way, one more nuance: having received something for free, help or an item, people value it less than if they had purchased the item or service for money. This is how our material world works: the more you paid, the greater the effect the acquisition gave you.

The fourth type of neurotic is greedy. Women usually recognize him faster than others because he manifests himself more clearly. On a date, he can lament how prices in a restaurant have risen, when talking about work, complain about how low his salary is, and bring you a lonely rose in cellophane to a meeting. Run! And don’t fall into the trap of “how frugal he is, everything goes to the family, everything goes to the house.” No, not to the family or to the house, he will give you 100 rubles for lunch and be surprised that you didn’t make it. You will always beg, and he will reproach you for wastefulness. It is these men who buy apartments and register them in their mother’s name, have secret bank accounts that their wives don’t even know about, and spend their whole lives counting every penny. Moreover, it is not at all necessary that the greedy person is poor, this is not related to wealth, it is a neurosis.

The fifth type of neurotic men is aggressive males. And not in relation to a woman, but in relation to other people. People infuriate them, while driving they bully all the drivers around them, they are rude to waiters in restaurants, they try to hit them in the face for squashing their legs, in a word, they are constantly in a defensive position. Rest assured, you will eventually piss him off.

And finally, a list of not so obvious signs that should nevertheless alert you. This is the lack of one’s own position even in small things. You ask him where we will go, and he answers - where you want. You ask whether it’s red or white, and he says, decide for yourself. He doesn't know how to make choices, he constantly shifts responsibility onto you. Such people are often betrayed by their speech. They never say “I believe”, “I am convinced”, “I will do this”. They say “I hope”, “I guess”, “I’ll try”. They often end sentences with a half-question, for example: “It’s terribly cold today, don’t you agree?” Or: “Let’s go to a cafe, I’m hungry, do you mind?” That is, they constantly need confirmation that they are doing everything right.

There are other signs of neuroses, but I want to emphasize the point made at the very beginning. If you and a man are uncomfortable on the first, second or third date. don't appoint a fourth. In the first meetings, a man shows himself at his best, and if you ALREADY find it unpleasant to be around him, nothing good will come of this relationship.

Those people who are familiar with the psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky have probably noticed how often the phrase “Neurotic relationships” is present in his speech. This is no coincidence, since according to the psychologist, almost all of us live in a state of neurosis and many of us are in neurotic relationships.

What is a “neurotic relationship”

Mikhail Labkovsky: “Neurotic relationships are relationships that do not bring joy and satisfaction, but which nevertheless continue...”

How often do we notice neurotic relationships in the families of our friends, girlfriends, and relatives? People swear, fight, hate each other, but stay together. Women endure an alcoholic husband or a tyrant husband for years, walk around with bruises and tears, but do not leave their husband.

This is a neurotic relationship.

Where do neurotic relationships come from?

Labkovsky traces the history of such relationships from childhood.

If children grew up in families where parents were also in a state of neurosis, then they absorbed this atmosphere, as they say, with their mother’s milk.

For example, a child sees scandals in the family and aggression from childhood. Growing up, this child subconsciously also chooses a similar type of relationship. Precisely SUBCONSCIOUS. If you ask such people how is it possible, why did you start such a relationship, they will answer that “it just happened that way.”

In fact, we all choose what is subconsciously familiar to us. The situation with an aggressive dad is familiar to the child; he has been and lived in it. He doesn't know any different. Even if this other thing comes his way life path, he will not be able to accept it, because he will be afraid of the unknown.

Labkovsky told how one day a married lady came to him for consultation with a traumatic brain injury received from her husband. She also said that her previous husband also raised his hand against her. “But this is already a real crime!” the psychologist exclaimed indignantly. To justify her husband, the woman began to tell how wonderful her husband is when he doesn’t drink. He will clean the house, feed the children, and is affectionate towards her. And when he drinks, it’s a disaster!

“What’s the matter?” - Labkovsky argues. “But the fact is that this woman grew up in the family of an alcoholic. She lived with this, this situation is familiar to her, she knows how to behave within it. I couldn’t help this woman,” ends Mikhail.

Another variant. A woman begins dating a calm, positive man who gives her flowers and takes her to the theater. But to a woman it seems boring and uninteresting. But a relationship where the aorta ruptures, with breaking dishes, and an endless showdown - this will be considered love. Why is that? Because from childhood she was accustomed to the fact that love is suffering and even torment, as was the case with mom and dad. This formula is precisely the formula of love for her.

How do people with and without neurosis differ?

This is the situation - a guy and a girl slept together, and he disappeared. A psychologically healthy girl will take this adequately - she will cry a little, calm down and continue her life. ordinary life. A girl with neurosis will react to the disappearance of a fan with drama and illusions. She will begin to come up with various excuses and good reasons for his disappearance, she will begin to suffer with pleasure, and for her this is obviously the beginning of great love.

If you ask girls if they had love, many will say that they did, and will remember their tears into the pillow, long sittings by the window or by the phone, showdowns and dramatic breakups. So, Mikhail Labkovsky claims that it was not love, but a neurotic relationship.

Why does this relationship continue?

Labkovsky refers us to Sigmund Freud, who at one time argued that even in the most unpleasant things people find pleasure, similar to masochism. Perhaps such people like the role of victim, sufferer, heroine, and so on.

Mikhail Labkovsky’s concept of love or healthy relationships comes down to the fact that in such relationships no one suppresses anyone, an equivalent energy exchange occurs. Love should never bring suffering, but only joy and satisfaction.

Psychologically healthy man Having found himself in a neurotic relationship, he will ultimately choose himself, and a person with neurosis will choose an exhausting neurotic relationship.

Mikhail Labkovsky: way out of neurotic relationships

Start doing what you like and stop doing what you don't like.

In a neurotic relationship, your desires are very often suppressed or even absent. You only do what pleases your other half. You pretend that you really love football, for example. You eat sushi when you prefer Italian cuisine.

Labkovsky calls to stop this immediately! Bending under your partner will not do anything good. You won't be loved anymore for it. On the contrary, respect for you will decrease. How can you respect a person who concedes in everything?

Have the courage not to do something you don't like. State firmly that you don't like football, and calmly eat spaghetti instead of sushi.

Don't be afraid to express your tastes and preferences clearly and clearly. Perhaps at first this will cause confusion or indignation. Stand your ground! You are an individual, with your own desires and dislikes.

The mechanism of a healthy relationship between a man and a woman is built not only on the physical attractiveness of partners, but also on mutual respect and interest in you as an individual. Therefore, women's pathetic attempts to please a man, becoming a soft, pliable cat, looking into the eyes and catching any word of a partner, lead to your devaluation. After all, it becomes unclear to a man who he is dealing with. Who is this woman herself? What does she like, what does she hate, what are her views on this or that issue?

Talk directly about what you don't like

Labkovsky denies the important role of compromise. He argues that endless concessions and compromises do not lead to strengthening alliances, but to chronic neuroses and oncology.

He believes that it is much more useful and productive to immediately voice the problem. If you don’t like something in your partner’s behavior, you need to tell him about it directly and frankly. No matter how scary it may be to subject a relationship to such a tough test, it is nevertheless necessary to do it. Your partner may reject your claims, but most likely he will agree with them if he truly values ​​you.

Many girls live with their boyfriends in civil marriages and do not dare to say about their desire to get married officially. Labkovsky calls for this to be done immediately. So tell your chosen one: “I want to marry you. I need a normal family." Don't be afraid to give men a choice. Normal loving man will understand your desire and take you to the registry office.

And the wrong man will pretend that he didn’t hear anything and avoid answering. Then it’s up to you to decide whether to stay in such a relationship. Labkovsky believes that we need to go further, but ex-boyfriend wave goodbye.

In this aspect, Labkovsky goes against many colleagues, as well as the notorious “ feminine wisdom" They do not recommend the tactics of waiting and patience, but promote the tactics of honesty and straightforwardness. To the comments of women that this way you can lose even that very the only man, Labkovsky ruthlessly replies that it is your choice whether to continue a relationship with a person who does not love or respect you, and lives only for himself. This is an example of a neurotic relationship.

“Our women are very afraid to be left alone. In Russia, there is an attitude towards mandatory existence in a couple. This has developed historically, since the time of the Great Patriotic War, after which there were no men at all. None."

Setting up for marriage

The psychological pressure of society on women is very strong. After 25 years, every girl is constantly asked if she is married, and pitifully shakes her head when the answer is negative. By the age of thirty, those women who have not married already experience neurosis about the unsettled personal life.

The level of self-respect falls so low that a woman is ready for any man, just to fulfill her matrimonial duty. This gives rise to numerous neurotic relationships, unhealthy, but leading to marriage. At least that's what it seems to the participants.

Labkovsky says that there is no such thing as “bad luck” in relationships. There is no such thing as “getting caught” bad men" He ruthlessly asserts that the problem is inside the woman, not outside. You need to deal with yourself first.

My method is to develop in a person with psychological problems healthy reactions and life skills with six rules to govern his behavior.

These are the rules:
1. Do only what you want.
2. Don't do what you don't want to do.
3. Immediately talk about what you don’t like.
4. Don't answer when not asked.
5. Answer only the question.
6. When sorting out relationships, talk only about yourself.

How it works

Every person, even in childhood, develops stereotypical reactions to repeated stimuli. For example, if parents are constantly in conflict, talking in a raised voice, the child gets scared and withdraws into himself, and since this happens all the time, the child is constantly in fear and depressed. It grows, the behavior continues to be reinforced year after year. Thus, a flawed psychology of an adult is formed, which is characterized by lack of initiative, apathy, inability to take responsibility, to realize oneself, and most importantly, the inability to enjoy life. During this time, strong neural connections are created in the brain, the so-called reflex arc - nerve cells arranged in a certain way, which force them to react in a strictly defined, habitual way to any similar stimulus.

To help a person overcome fears, anxieties, insecurities, low self-esteem- this arc needs to be broken. And create new connections, their new order. And there is only one way to do this “without using a lobotomy”: with the help of ACTIONS that are unusual for a neurotic. When a person begins to act in a way that is not neurotic, and therefore uncharacteristic for himself, changes in his psyche occur at the biochemical level. Following new neural connections, new, previously unusual emotions arise in the brain: confidence, calm, a sense of stability. And, as a result, the psychology of a person with high self-esteem, who loves himself, and, most importantly, enjoys life, is gradually formed.

Therefore, we need to start acting, breaking our behavioral stereotypes. And when there are clear instructions on how to behave in each specific situation, change is real. Without thinking, without reflecting, without turning to your own (negative) experience. And in accordance with the rules of Mikhail Labkovsky.

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