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Abstract mutual influence of people in the process of interpersonal communication. Mutual influence of people in the process of communication

Communication. Methods of influence in the process of communication.

Any activity - work, learning, play - is impossible without communication, which is a means of transmitting social experience. It is in communication that the subjective world of one person is revealed to another, primarily in the process of exchanging cognitive and emotional-evaluative information. In addition, in communication, people exchange actions, actions, that is, they interact. Equally important is how communicators perceive each other.

Thus, communication- the process of establishing contacts between people, generated by the needs for joint activities and includes the exchange of information (communication), the development of a unified interaction strategy (interaction), perception and understanding of each other (perception).

The following goals (functions) of communication are distinguished:

Contact - establishing contact as a state of mutual
readiness to receive and transmit messages and maintain relationships in the form of constant mutual orientation;

informational - exchange of messages, opinions, plans,
decisions, etc.;

Incentive - stimulating the activity of the communication partner,
directing him to perform certain actions;

Coordination - mutual orientation and coordination
actions when organizing joint activities;

understanding- understanding the meaning of the message, intentions, attitudes, experiences of communication partners;

emotive- arousing the necessary emotional experiences in communication partners (“exchange of emotions”); changing your own experiences and states;

* establishing relationships- awareness of one’s place in the financial system
social, interpersonal and other community connections;

influence- change in the partner’s condition, his behavior, needs
ties, intentions, decisions, opinions, etc.

Communication as communication involves the exchange of information between people, carried out through signs (words, gestures, hieroglyphs, etc.) that correspond to certain objects and phenomena of reality.

They distinguish verbal communication (from Lat. verbalis- verbal) and non-verbal.

In verbal communication the sign system is a language, the main unit of which is the word, denoting objects and phenomena in the form of generalized characteristics - concepts (see subsection 4.1). Communication between people using language is called speech. It operates on the basis of a second signaling system. Sounds as certain signals also exist in animals, but they express only certain states (hunger, fear), while the designating function is absent. In speech, the process of “speaking” unfolds, during which the speaker encodes speech signals (sounds, syllables, words, sentences) with their subsequent decoding by the listener. It is very important that the interlocutors speak “the same language”, putting the same meanings and meaning into the words (compare, for example, the meanings of the words “hat”, “oak” and their meaning when these words are used in relation to people ).

Not verbal communication, complementing speech and conveying an emotional state, includes the following sign systems:

Optical-kinetic, which uses gestures, facial expressions, panto-
facial expressions;

Paralinguistic (from Lat. para- near, about), which you-
expresses the feelings and state of a person with the help of voice qualities,
its range, tonality;

Extralinguistic (from Lat. extra- outside, lingua- language), before
presupposing the inclusion of pauses, laughter, and a certain tempo in speech
speeches;

- spatiotemporal, which is associated with the relative position of communication partners, time of communication, and a special communication situation (for example, the effect of a “car companion”).

Researchers estimate that only 7% of a message's content is conveyed by the meaning of words, while 38% of information is determined by how words are spoken and 55% by facial expression.

In the process of transmitting and receiving information, significant losses occur due to communication barriers. These include, first of all, barriers associated with encoding and decoding information. When encoding a thought into internal speech, up to 30% of information is lost, 80% of the information that is recoded into internal speech passes from internal speech to external speech. Depending on the vocabulary of the listener, they perceive up to 70% of the information. Further information is lost due to its translation into images of the imagination and memory.

As a result, during monologue communication (lecture, lesson), when listeners, as a rule, do not have the opportunity to clarify information, about 20% of the information remains in their memory.

Other barriers are social or psychological character and are determined by the interlocutors belonging to different social groups or various individual psychological characteristics communicating (for example, the presence of “non-communicative” character traits, secrecy, excessive shyness, etc.).

In the process of communication, people exchange not only information, but also various actions. Interaction as an aspect of communication is manifested in the organization by people of common actions aimed at achieving a specific goal in the process of joint activity.

All types of interaction are traditionally divided into two groups. The first includes actions that increase the efficiency of joint activities (cooperation), and the second includes actions that reduce efficiency (competition).

Cooperation(from lat. cooperation- cooperation) involves combining the efforts of participants to achieve a common goal while simultaneously dividing functions and responsibilities between them. Competition(from lat. sopsirro- running away, colliding) is characterized by the achievement of goals in conditions of confrontation with other people seeking to achieve the same goals.

So, communication as interaction (interaction) in a certain way coordinates the actions of individual participants in joint activities, brings together individuals into a certain type of community - a group.

The effects of interpersonal perception are based on stereotypes. This is, first of all, the halo effect, the essence of which is that a general positive impression of a person leads to a positive assessment of his other qualities, and a general negative impression contributes to the formation of negative assessments. The existing image plays the role of a halo, which prevents one from seeing the actual features and manifestations of the perceived person,

The effects of primacy and novelty are associated with the importance of the order in which information about a person is presented for the formation of ideas about him. The primacy effect manifests itself in the case of perception stranger, when its assessment is influenced by primary information about it. In the situation of perceiving a familiar person, the novelty effect operates, leading to the fact that the latest, newer information about the person becomes more significant for his assessment.

Thus, stereotypes and interpersonal perception effects can contribute to the formation of distorted knowledge about a person, thereby negatively affecting the entire communication process.

Basic psychological methods influences in the process of communication:

· belief;

· suggestion;

· imitation;

· mental infection.

Belief- a way of influencing the consciousness of a person by appealing to the logical sphere of the interlocutor.

Suggestion– the process of mental influence on a person with weakened control of his consciousness and uncritical assessment of the content of perceived messages.

Imitation – aimed at reproducing patterns of behavior, manners, actions, actions. A manifestation of imitation is fashion.

Mental infection - based on an individual’s unconscious propensity to certain mental states. This phenomenon accompanies mass actions, public perceptions of oratory, works of art.

Techniques for forming attraction(attractiveness in communication): “proper name”, “mirror of relationships”, “golden words” (compliment), conduct a conversation in line with the interests of the interlocutor, patient active listener.

Target: To form an idea of the mechanisms that promote mutual understanding in communication, to show the increased effectiveness of communication when using special techniques.

Educational-target questions of the lesson:

1. The concept of verbal communication. Structure business communication

2. Encouraging communication or making contact

3. Active listening as a way of understanding

4. Questions

5. Types of influence.

6. Positions of partners in contact.

Verbal communication

Verbal communication – this impact on mental condition, feelings, thoughts and actions of other people, primarily through verbal means, i.e. words

The verbal channel of communication is often inseparable from the nonverbal. Nevertheless, verbal communication can be considered the leading way of establishing relationships in such types of communication as:

· Business conversation(usually partner communication, when two people are involved, for example, a conversation between a doctor and a patient)

· Negotiations (usually between groups of people)

· Public speaking (communication with big amount of people).

The main mistakes that arise during partner communication essentially boil down to the following:

· inability to establish productive contact;

· inability to listen and clarify the partner’s position, which makes it difficult to navigate the situation;

· skipping important stages of communication (for example, partners often skip stage 2 and after barely established contact, partners move on to mutual persuasion, and then are forced to return to the previous stage),

· ignoring the emotional state of the partner;

the use of unconstructive ways of influencing a partner (manipulation, coercion...); etc.

Phases of partnership communication:

Making contact

The emergence of interaction between people is primarily due to the emergence of a certain need in the subject. In business communication, this need can be expressed in the need to obtain any information from a partner necessary to identify the possibility of fruitful cooperation; communicating certain information that can attract a partner to cooperation; exchange opinions and impressions with your colleague to formulate a further plan of action.

At the stage of inducing communication or making contact, an assessment takes place appearance interlocutor, his gait, facial expression, etc., i.e. the degree of agreement with the stereotype is assessed. At this stage, you can build favor with the help of nonverbal cues that help establish contact, as well as with the help of verbal behavior.

Verbal cues that encourage contact:

ü A distinct greeting

ü Calling a person by name

At the beginning of the conversation, you should ask for the name of the interlocutor and then use it. There are difficult names, but associations and figurative ideas will help you remember them. If the name is forgotten, you should not construct impersonal phrases, it is better to ask again.

ü Suggestion to sit down

ü Patient Listening

It is better to actively listen to the interlocutor or carefully switch the question. Next, we will consider active listening techniques, the use of which affects the effectiveness of communication.

ü Small talk

This is a conversation on an interesting and pleasant topic for the interlocutors, which he enjoys discussing. This is a casual conversation about family matters, hobbies, and funny events. The purpose of a small conversation is to create a favorable psychological atmosphere, to lay the foundations of sympathy and trust. Or - to restore emotional balance, sympathy and trust. During long-term communication, it is recommended to be interested personal life(colleagues, subordinates), for example, know the names of loved ones, birthdays, etc. This enhances your importance as a communication partner.

ü Using compliments

A compliment is emphasizing the merits of the interlocutor. Praise and flattery should be distinguished from compliments. Praise is an assessment of personal qualities. In business (partner) communication it is not entirely appropriate. Flattery is a gross exaggeration of a person's merits or emphasizing socially desirable qualities that a person does not have. Almost all people distinguish between flattery and compliment. Complimenting is a trainable skill.

Effective communication is one that ensures progress in solving communication problems using the most optimal means by achieving mutual understanding between partners. Psychological basis of influence in the process of communication
What kind of communication can be considered effective? The simplest but imprecise answer is: one that contributes to the achievement of the communicator's goal. The other participant in the communication is not taken into account here, because the recipient has his own goals, and what is useful for one may be harmful for another.
The correct answer is that proposed by D. Zhukov: effective communication is one that ensures progress in solving a problem using the most optimal means by achieving mutual understanding between partners.

What are the conditions for effective influence in communication?
Among objective and more general conditions should be called mutual language(a unified system of codification and decoding of information), as well as a general lexicon among the communication participants. Subjective ones are also important. personal conditions effective communication depends on the personality of the partners. Three such factors can be distinguished (E. Melibruda): the reliability of the communicator, the clarity of his message and the consideration of feedback regarding how correctly he was understood.

The most important of these factors is the reliability of the interlocutor, which determines the degree of trust the recipient has in what is being communicated to him. Researchers found that individuals who were rated as reliable by their partners had significant ability to influence their interlocutors. Obviously, certain actions in dialogue can increase its reliability in the eyes of the recipient and due to this, the degree of trust in communication increases.

What does reliability depend on? Four components can be pointed out:
A) a frank demonstration of one's intentions;
b) displaying a warm and friendly attitude;
V) demonstration of one's competence on the issue under discussion;
G) ability to present information convincingly.

Let's consider these components of the communication process.
When we believe in good intentions partner, we feel a sense of closeness to him and are ready to believe him. However, often partners are poorly aware of each other’s intentions and are guided by their own conjectures regarding the other’s motives. If the communicator hides his motives, even for the best reasons, the recipient begins to doubt his reliability. Anyone who hides his intentions is forced to closely monitor what he wants to say and remain silent. To do this, he uses all sorts of maneuvers to disorient his partner. Such insincerity of the communicator arouses suspicion in the recipient. Therefore, partners who are interested in mutual trust strive to demonstrate their intentions as openly as possible, even if there are fears that the other will not approve of them.

The degree of reliability of a communicator increases significantly when, feeling warm feelings for the recipient, he knows how to express them clearly. Sometimes this is hindered by unwritten rules to limit the manifestation of one's positive emotions in relation to people. Some people see such openness as something wrong, even shameful. If, at a time when people feel good together, they do not reveal their feelings, communication will lose its extremely important meaning, which could consolidate and deepen their relationship.
Reliability and trust in communication depends on the recipient’s confidence in him as a source of information. This is facilitated by the logical thinking of the communicator, confirmation of his information by independent sources, and his ability to foresee events. It is useful when the communicator does not hide his awareness, experience in the area under discussion, his abilities and achievements in this area. Reliability increases due to the fact that people whose opinion is valued by the recipient have a positive attitude towards what is said. If a communicator can present information convincingly, then the power of his words increases. It is important that he himself believes in what he says, that he values this information.

The second condition for effective communication is the clarity of the message.. To do this, it is necessary to take into account the capabilities of understanding inherent in the recipient. The age and gender of the recipient matters. Children and adults, men and women perceive information differently. Men gravitate towards hard information and perceive it better: numbers, facts, abstract concepts. Women like softer information on everyday things and relationships between people.
If you want to be better understood, repeat again what you want to say, confirm again in other ways - with gestures, in writing, use different channels to convey information. The correspondence between verbal and nonverbal personal expressions plays an important role. If facial expressions and gestures are consistent with the meaning of the words, the statement becomes clear and convincing. The effectiveness of communication increases if we formulate our thoughts exhaustively, specifically, unambiguously, avoiding uncertainty, vagueness, excessive breadth, and impersonality.

A partner understands us better when we take responsibility for what we say and accept I statements. Instead of saying This is so and this is not so, it is better to indicate that we think so: I am sure, I believe, it seems to me. Then the listener more accurately imagines the source of information and better understands the partner (D. Shapiro, 1997).

The third condition for effective communication associated with taking into account reverse emotions. How to provide meaningful feedback in communication?

1. In your comments, touch on the characteristics of your partner’s behavior, not his personality, talk about specific actions, and not about your thoughts about who he is.

2. Talk more about your observations, that is, about what you heard, saw, perceived with the help of your senses, and not about your conclusions. The latter are the result of subjective interpretation
what was seen, speculation based on real facts. It’s better to bring these real facts, and the partner will be able to draw conclusions himself. Also, do not have any illusions that your conclusions objectively reflect reality.

3. Avoid judgment, be non-judgmental, do not judge. Instead, describe what really happened, as well as your own feelings and attitudes. Assessments are not very valuable material for better mutual understanding; they are based on your value system and testify not only about your opponent, but also about you. It is better to speak out frankly, taking responsibility for your own feelings, naming them directly, rather than hiding behind judgments.

4. Avoid incorrect, overly broad generalizations such as you never, always, everything, nothing, leading to misunderstanding and oversimplification. It is better to use more precise statements: to a greater or lesser extent, often, sometimes, most.

5. Focus on recent events that are fresh in your partner's memory, rather than on vague stories from the distant past. Valuable information concerns what is happening here and now.

6. Try to give as little advice as possible; it is better to express your thoughts by exchanging opinions with your partner. Then he has the right to freely decide how to use the information received. Advice is associated with pressure and restriction of freedom. In addition, for correct advice, all the necessary information must be available, and the amount of information that we have is often insufficient, because the partner’s awareness of the situation is incomplete and our life experience limited.

7. When providing feedback, emphasize what may be valuable to the partner, and not to you personally. Do not manipulate others, do not impose, but offer your help.

8. The amount of information should be such that the partner can use it. When the portion is too rich, a person will not be able to approach the problem constructively. It is pointless to criticize characteristics of a person that cannot be influenced - for example, her physical disabilities.

9. The moment for providing feedback must be present. Take care of the time, place and situation. So that you are alone, you are not disturbed by prying ears, so that the person is in in good condition, otherwise even very valuable information can cause more harm than good.

10. Remember that giving and receiving feedback requires a certain amount of courage, skill, understanding and respect for yourself and others.

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Transactional analysis of communication

In the structure of human interaction, E. Berne identifies the positions “Parent”, “Adult”, “Child”, on the basis of which the real process of interaction is built. Three main positions: Child (Child), Parent, Adult can repeatedly replace one another during the day, or one of them can predominate in a person’s behavior. Interaction from the position of a Parent presupposes a tendency to dominance, to competition, to the manifestation of power and a sense of high self-worth, to teaching others, to critical condemnation of other people, the government, etc. Interaction from the position of an Adult presupposes a tendency to equal cooperation, to recognition for oneself and others equal rights and responsibility for the outcome of interaction. Interaction from the position of a Child presupposes a tendency to submit, to seek support and protection (“obedient Child”) or to emotional impulsive protest, quarrel, and unpredictable whims (“rebellious Child”).

From the position of a Child, a person looks at another as if from the bottom up, readily submits, experiencing the joy of being loved, but at the same time a feeling of uncertainty and defenselessness. This position, being the main one in childhood, is often found in adults. So, sometimes a young woman, when communicating with her husband, wants to feel like a mischievous girl again, protected from all sorts of adversity. In such situations, the husband takes the position of the Parent, demonstrates confidence, patronage, but at the same time a peremptory, commanding tone. At other times, for example, when communicating with his parents, he himself takes the position of a Child.

When communicating with colleagues, they usually strive to take the position of an Adult, which provides for a calm tone, restraint, solidity, responsibility for their actions, and equality in communication. .

From the position of the Parent, the roles of an old father, an older sister, an attentive spouse, a teacher, a doctor, a boss, a salesman who says: “come back tomorrow” are played. From the perspective of a Child - the role of a young specialist, a graduate student, an artist-favorite of the public. From the perspective of an Adult - the role of a neighbor, a casual travel companion, a colleague who knows his worth, etc.

There can be two varieties in the Parent position:

1) "punishing Parent"- indicates, orders, criticizes, punishes for disobedience and mistakes;

2) "custodial parent"- advises in a gentle form, protects, takes care of, helps, supports, sympathizes, regrets, cares, forgives mistakes and insults.

In the position of the Child there are: "Obedient Child" and "Rebellious Child"(behaves: “I don’t want to. I won’t, leave me alone! What do you care? I’ll do as I want!”, etc.).

The most successful and effective communication is between two interlocutors from the perspective of Adults; two Children can understand each other.

Transaction is a unit of interaction between communication partners, accompanied by setting the positions of each.

(Depicted by an arrow going from the selected position of one interlocutor to the expected position of the other participant in the communication (Fig. 3).

Rice. 3. The structure of human interaction [according to E. Bern]

Communication between a Parent and an Adult is dynamic: either the Adult, with his calm, independent, responsible behavior, will knock down the arrogance of the Parent and transfer him to an equal Adult position, or the Parent will be able to suppress the interlocutor and transfer him to the position of a submissive or rebellious Child.

Communication between an Adult and a Child is just as dynamic: either the Adult will be able to encourage the child to take the problem under discussion seriously and responsibly and move to the position of the Adult, or the helplessness of the Child will provoke the Adult to move to the position of a caring Parent. Communication between Parent and Child is complementary, therefore it is often realized in communication, although it can be either calm in nature (“obedient Child”) or conflict in nature (“rebellious Child”).

There are disguised types of communication, where the external (social) level of communication does not coincide, masks the true psychological level of communication, For example, communication between a seller and a buyer may outwardly be of an equal nature between two Adults, but in fact, the dialogue between the seller (“It’s a good thing, but expensive”) and the buyer (“That’s what I’ll take”) was at the level of Parent (seller) and Child (buyer ).

Berne identifies various forms of interpersonal interaction: affection, friendship, love, competition, care, pastime, surgery, play, social influence, submission, conflicts, ritual interaction, etc.

Various forms of human interaction are characterized by specific positions.

Ritual interaction is one of the common forms of interaction, which is built according to certain rules, symbolically expressing real social relations and the status of a person in a group and society. Ritual acts as a special form of interaction, invented by people to satisfy the need for recognition. Ritual interaction comes from the position of “Parent - Parent”. Ritual reveals the values of the group; people express through ritual what touches them most, what constitutes their social value orientations.

The English scientist Victor Turner, considering rituals and rites, understands them as prescribed formal behavior, as “a system of beliefs and actions performed by a special cult association.” Ritual actions are important for ensuring continuity between different generations in a particular organization, for maintaining traditions and passing on accumulated experience through symbols. Ritual interaction is both a kind of holiday that has a deep emotional impact on people, and a powerful means of maintaining stability, strength, continuity of social ties, a mechanism for uniting people, increasing their solidarity. Rituals, rituals, and customs are capable of being imprinted on the subconscious level of people, ensuring the deep penetration of certain values into group and individual consciousness, into ancestral and personal memory.

Humanity has developed a huge variety of rituals throughout its history: religious rites, palace ceremonies, diplomatic receptions, military rituals, secular ceremonies, including holidays and funerals. Rituals include numerous norms of behavior: receiving guests, greeting acquaintances, addressing strangers, etc. A ritual is a strictly fixed sequence of transactions, and transactions are made from the Parent position and are addressed to the Parent position, allowing people to feel recognized. If a person’s need for recognition is not fulfilled, then aggressive behavior begins to develop. The ritual is precisely designed to remove this aggression, to satisfy the need for recognition at least at a minimum level.

In the next type of interactions - operations, the transaction is carried out from the position of “Adult - Adult”. We encounter operations every day: these are, first of all, interactions at work, school, as well as cooking, apartment renovation, etc. Having successfully completed an operation, a person confirms his competence and receives confirmation from others.

Labor interaction, distribution and performance of professional and family functions, skillful and effective implementation of these responsibilities - these are the operations that fill people's lives.

Competition is a form of social interaction in which there is a clearly defined goal that must be achieved, all the actions of different people are correlated with each other taking into account this goal in such a way that they do not come into conflict, and the person himself does not come into conflict with themselves, adhering to the attitude of another team player, but a person has an inherent desire to achieve better results than other team members. Since a person accepts the attitudes of other people and allows their attitudes to determine what he will do in the next moment, taking into account some common goal, he becomes an organic member of his group, society, accepting the morality of this society and becoming a significant member of it.

In a number of cases, a person, being in the same room with other people and performing seemingly joint activities, mentally remains in a completely different place, mentally talks with imaginary interlocutors, dreams about his own things - such a specific interaction is called leaving. Caregiving is a fairly common and natural form of interaction, but it is still more often resorted to by people with problems in the area of interpersonal needs. If a person has no other forms of interaction left except care, then this is pathology-psychosis.

The next type of approved fixed interactions that provide at least a minimum of pleasant sensations, signs of attention, “stroking” between interacting people is pastime. Pastime is a fixed form of transactions designed to satisfy people's need for recognition. The most common pastimes from the position of “Parent - Parent” are discussed and condemned everything that deviates from the norm - children, women, men, power, television, etc., or pastime on the topic “Things” (comparing owned cars, televisions, etc.) . “Who won yesterday?” (football and other sports results) are men's pastimes; “Kitchen”, “Shop”, “Dress”, “Children”, “How much does it cost?”, “Do you know that she...” - these are predominantly women’s pastimes. During such pastimes, partners and prospects for developing relationships with them are assessed,

Sustainable interaction between people can be determined by the emergence of mutual sympathy - attraction. Close relationships that provide friendly support and feeling (that is, we feel loved, approved, and encouraged by friends and loved ones) are associated with feelings of happiness. Studies have shown that close, positive relationships improve health and reduce the likelihood of premature death. “Friendship is the strongest antidote to all misfortunes,” said Seneca.

Factors that contribute to the formation of attraction (attachment, sympathy):

frequency of mutual social contacts, proximity - geographic proximity (most people enter into friendship and marriage with those who live in the same neighborhood, studied in the same class, work in the same company, i.e. with those who lived, studied, worked nearby; proximity allows people to meet often, discover similarities in each other, and exchange signs of attention);

physical attractiveness (men tend to like women for their appearance, but women also like attractive men. They like beauty);

“peer” phenomenon (people tend to choose friends for themselves and especially marry those who are their peers not only in intellectual level, but also in terms of attractiveness). Fromm wrote: “Often love is nothing more than a mutually beneficial exchange between two people in which the parties to the transaction receive the maximum of what they can expect, taking into account their value in the market of personalities.” In couples where attractiveness varied , usually less attractive has a compensating quality. Men usually offer status and seek attractiveness, and women often do the opposite, so young beauties often marry older men who occupy high position in society);

The more attractive a person is, the more likely they are to attribute positive personal qualities(this is a stereotype of physical attractiveness: what is beautiful is good; people unconsciously believe that, all other things being equal, more beautiful people are happier, sexier, more sociable, smarter and luckier, although they are not more honest or caring towards other people. More attractive people have more prestigious job, they earn more);

the “contrast effect” can negatively affect the attraction. For example, men who have just looked at magazine beauties find ordinary women and their wives less attractive, and their sexual satisfaction with their own partner decreases after watching pornographic films;

“reinforcement effect” - when we find traits similar to us in someone, it makes the person more attractive to us. The more two people love each other, the more physically attractive they find each other and the less attractive all other people of the opposite sex seem to them;

similarity social origin, similarity of interests and views is important for establishing relationships. (“We love those who are like us and do what we do,” Aristotle pointed out);

To continue the relationship, complementarity and competence in an area close to our interests are necessary;

we like those who like us;

if a person's self-esteem has been wounded by some previous situation, then he will be more likely to like a new acquaintance who kindly pays attention to him (this helps explain why people sometimes fall so passionately in love after having previously been rejected by another, thereby affecting their pride);

reward theory of attraction: the theory according to which we like those people whose behavior is beneficial to us, or those with whom we associate events that are beneficial to us;

the principle of mutually beneficial exchange or equal participation: what you and your partner get out of your relationship should be in proportion to what each of you puts into it.

If two or more people have a lot in common, a closeness factor is formed; if their connections improve, they do something nice for each other - sympathy is formed; if they see merit in each other, recognize the right for themselves and others to be who they are, a factor of respect is formed. Forms of interaction such as friendship and love satisfy people's need for acceptance. Friendship and love are superficially similar to pastimes, but there is always a clearly fixed partner towards whom one feels sympathy. Friendship includes the factor of sympathy and respect, love differs from friendship by an enhanced sexual component, i.e. love = sexual attraction + sympathy + respect, in the case of falling in love there is only a combination of sexual attraction and sympathy. These forms of interaction differ from all others in that they necessarily contain hidden Child-Child transactions expressing mutual recognition and sympathy. People can discuss any problems they want, even on a completely adult and serious level, nevertheless, in their every word and gesture the following will be visible: “I like you.” Some features are characteristic of all friendships and love attachments: mutual understanding, dedication, pleasure from being with a loved one, care, responsibility, intimate trust, self-disclosure (discovery secret thoughts and experiences in front of another person). (“What is a friend? It is a person with whom you dare to be yourself.” F. Crane).

Interpersonal relationships- this is a person’s relationship with other people, accompanied by emotional experiences of sympathy or antipathy. N.N. Obozov proposed a classification of interpersonal relationships, depending on the depth, selectivity and function of the relationship. There are relationships of acquaintance, friendship, companionship, friendship, love, marital, family, destructive. The greatest depth, selectivity, and inclusion of the individual is manifested in friendly, marital and love relationships.

Thus, the relationships between people in the process of communication and interaction can be different:

I and THE OTHER are WE, if many things connect;

I, HE - if there are few connections;

I and THE OTHER are OWN - if we improve each other and want to become closer;

STRANGERS - if we make each other worse and want to distance ourselves;

WE ARE OUR OWN, HE IS OUR OWN, HE IS A STRANGER, WE ARE STRANGERS - form four types of significant relationships. When you say, “I would like to get to know him better,” or simply, “I like him,” it means that you have chosen a “HE IS YOURS” relationship.

Usually the dynamics of the development of relationships: HE IS OUR OWN - WE ARE OUR OWN - WE ARE STRANGERS - HE IS A STRANGER.

HE IS YOURS (you like the person, you are glad to see him more often). You suddenly discover that you can no longer be apart: WE ARE OUR OWN, but often, the stronger the connections, the more dependent on each other you feel, mutual shortcomings are revealed, the struggle for influence begins - elevating yourself or humiliating your partner. And if your selves turn out to be stronger than WE, then the selves will win, and the stage will come in the relationship - WE ARE STRANGERS. You are still connected by a lot, but one is closely connected, the other is offended, so both involuntarily try to distance themselves, sometimes completely break off the relationship - HE IS A STRANGER. Thus, a cycle went through: growth - flourishing - withering.

There are three known coordinates of a significant relationship: WE-HE, OWN - ALIEN, YOU - YOU, they can also be called differently: “closeness-distance”, “sympathy-antipathy”, “respect-disrespect” or “distance”, “valence”, "position";

I and THE OTHER - YOU - if he influences me more than I influence him;

YOU - if I influence him more than he influences me;

YOU AND I ARE OURS - the one type of relationship, which is necessary to guarantee their strength. Both are open to influence, willingly meet each other’s requests and desires, without demanding “to become what I want.” Here something surprising arises - relationships do not grow old, do not fade. Living together in this case is free from the struggle for influence, and if disagreements arise, then WE turn out to be stronger than the personal selves. This is why alienation often does not arise in relationships with the most significant people. Instead of moving to the stage WE ARE ALIENS, relationships continue to grow in the direction WE ARE WITH YOU, OUR OWN. The prospects for a relationship significantly depend on the initial attitude towards YOU or YOU, i.e. the willingness to see advantages (YOU) or imperfections (YOU) in a partner.

When a person feels threatened by rejection, the following types of behavior-communication may occur:

1) ingratiate yourself so that the other person does not get angry;

2) blame so that the other person considers him strong;

4) withdraw so much as to ignore the threat, behave as if it does not exist.

Ingratiating Peacemaker tries to please, never arguing about anything, agrees with any criticism addressed to him (and inside he feels like a nonentity, of no value: “I’m nothing without you,” “I’m helpless”).

Prosecutor constantly looking for who is to blame in this or that case. He is a dictator, a master who endlessly reproaches: “If it weren’t for you, everything would be fine”; with all his appearance he shows: “I am in charge here,” but deep inside he feels: “I am lonely and unhappy.”

Calculating "computer" very reasonable, but expresses no feelings, he seems calm, cool, collected, lives by the slogan: “Say the right things, hide your feelings. Don't react to your surroundings."

Detached Human, whatever he does, whatever he says, is not connected with what the interlocutor says or does. He distances himself from unpleasant and difficult life situations, tries not to notice, hear, or react to anything, but inside he feels: “No one cares about me, there is no place for me here,” “loneliness and the complete meaninglessness of my existence.”

Any of these models of communication and response contributes to the maintenance of low self-esteem and a feeling of one’s own insignificance. But there is an effective way to respond - "balanced, flexible." This type of communication is harmonious: the spoken words correspond to the facial expression, posture, intonation, honest And openly expressing your feelings and thoughts. Balanced communication is based on the authenticity of the feelings experienced and demonstrated. For example, the accusing type of communication looks completely different, in which a person, feeling helpless, demonstrates anger or hides resentment behind bravado.

Becoming a balanced, flexible person requires willpower, courage, new beliefs and new knowledge. It's impossible to pretend here. Your communication style determines how you implement plans and resolve conflicts. A different style will lead to a different result.

“I-statements” and responding to conflict behavior

IN In a tense situation, when a person experiences strong feelings that he does not like, difficulties arise with their expression. The easiest way to solve this The problem is to realize your feelings and name them to your partner. It is this method of self-expression that is called “I-statements.”

Unfortunately, a common way of behavior in a conflict situation is to slip into one of the unproductive positions: either expressing direct negative assessments (the “accuser” position), or complaining and sobbing (the “victim” position), or attempts to interpret behavior in a detached and rational way. interlocutor (the “computer” position). All these reactions are completely unconstructive - the conflict situation persists, you are left with a feeling of your own powerlessness and dependence on circumstances, and the same feelings arise in your partner. As a rule, all these ways of reacting are accompanied by a negative assessment of the other: “You always behave in such a way that it only makes me feel worse,” “You never say anything good to me, you just swear,” etc. Thus, people in conflict situation often use “You-statements” addressed to the interlocutor and containing negative assessments about him, which, in turn, provokes the interlocutor to further escalate the conflict. At the same time, responsibility for the intractability of the conflict situation, for your feelings about this, is shifted to your interlocutor, while your own problem existing in this regard is not realized.

At the same time, naming your feelings means actually formulating your own problem: “I'm sorry, but I feel so irritated when you say this...”, “When I hear your words, I just don’t know what to say, because I completely at a loss." When the question is posed in this way, the awareness of one’s own problem naturally occurs: this is my problem, what I irritated, this is my feeling, and no one but me can understand why exactly this feeling arose in me in this situation. It is important to understand that the “I-statement” constructively changes not only your own attitude towards a conflict situation, but also the attitude of your interlocutor towards it. A person always feels that he is being blamed, regardless of whether this is done from the position of the “accuser”, from the position of the “victim” or the “computer”.

At the same time, your sincere, free naming of your feelings from the position of realizing your own responsibility for what is happening to you cannot offend anyone or cause aggression, so the tension of the situation subsides, and your partner... at least, is simply lost from surprise. So. “I-statement” is: a way of verbally expressing feelings that arise in tense situations; a constructive alternative to “You-statements”, which are traditionally used to resolve conflict through uttering a negative assessment towards another, thus shifting responsibility for the situation to that other; a way of identifying a problem for oneself and at the same time realizing one’s own responsibility for solving it.

To master the “I-statement” technique, it is important to learn to be very aware of what is happening to you right now, at this moment in time. There are three different types of awareness:

1) awareness of thoughts: these are reflections, analysis, interpretation, opinions, judgments and “everything that our head is filled with”;

2) sensory awareness is the recording of any information coming from the outside through the senses - smell, touch, vision, hearing, taste;

3) bodily awareness is attention to all internal sensations coming from our muscles, tendons, and internal organs.

“I-statement” includes not only the naming of feelings, but also an indication of the conditions and reasons that caused them. The scheme of the “I-statement” is thus:

1) description of the situation that caused the tension (“When I see that you...”, “When this happens...”, “When I am faced with the fact that...”);

2) accurately naming your feeling in this situation (“I feel...”, “I don’t know how to react...”, “I have a problem...”);

3) naming the reasons for this feeling.

“I-statement” in a conflict presupposes an analysis of my “I-hearings” and an awareness of what kind of “I-listenings” the speech of my communication partner is addressing, who, by the way, can behave differently: can behave differently friendly towards me, or maybe trying to manipulate me, provoke me.

When people interact, the following types are distinguished:

1) cooperation, cooperation- a behavior strategy that involves coordinating the forces of participants, contributing to the achievement of joint goals of joint activities and individual goals of interaction participants;

2) competition- participants are interested in achieving their own success, even at the expense or to the detriment of the interests of other participants;

3) compromise - achieving an intermediate or temporary agreement of the participants on the basis of mutual partial concessions to each other for the sake of maintaining conditional equality or relations;

4) compliance - refusal to achieve one’s own goals for the sake of achieving the goals of communication partners;

5) evasion or avoidance - withdrawal from communication, refusal to achieve one’s goals to exclude the gain of another.

Eric Berne studied this type of interaction between people as play and manipulation. A game is a distorted way of interaction because all a person’s interpersonal needs are transformed into one - the need for control - and then the person resorts to force if he wants recognition. Regardless of the type of need and life situation, the game offers only a forceful solution to the problem. Games, or “games” (English), are a stereotypical series of interactions leading to a predetermined predetermined result, a series of manipulations that are designed to change the behavior of another person in the direction desired by the initiator of transactions, without taking into account the desires of this other. Games, unlike all other types of interactions - rituals, pastimes, operations, friendship, love - are dishonest interactions because they include traps, tricks, and paybacks.

Games differ from other ways of structuring time in two ways:

1) ulterior motives,

2) the presence of winnings.

Each participant in the game, even those who are defeated, receives a gain, but an extremely specific one - in the form of negative feelings of resentment, fear, guilt, hatred, suspicion, humiliation, contempt, arrogance, which serves as a kind of confirmation of the correctness of the life position of these people, according to which “people are bad, I’m bad, life is bad.”

Berne noted that many people play these unconscious games, receiving specific negative payoffs, since these games are an important part of a person's unconscious life plan or script. Each game begins with a bait that the active participant, the initiator, offers to the passive participant, taking into account his character traits, taking into account his “weakness”. “Weaknesses” are very diverse: greed, envy, fear, pride, irritability, the desire to look more significant in the eyes of others than one really is, excitement, confusion, the desire to look like a knowledgeable or leading person, confidence in one’s competence, etc. Then follows a series of double transactions that invariably lead to a pre-planned result. Once you start a game, it is almost impossible to get out of it, especially if you are a passive participant, which results in payback or winnings.

In order to get out of the game and not become a victim of other people’s manipulations, it is important to try to replace double transactions with open, direct ones, since the game is possible only if there is a hidden subtext in words and transactions.

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