Comic horoscopes lift your spirits, but they also contain some truth. Find out which life principles characteristic of your Zodiac Sign. Among the funny offers you can find useful information and change for the better.

Horoscopes, no matter how humorous they are, are based on the observations of astrologers. It is known that planets and constellations influence the character and behavior of people, which means that the jokes are not so far from the truth. The site team has compiled a funny horoscope for you, in which the characteristics of each Zodiac Sign fit into short and succinct expressions. We hope that they will help you not only lift your spirits, but also get rid of your weaknesses.

Aries

Aries can characterize themselves. Capacious phrases fully reflect their contradictory and purposeful essence.

1. There's no use arguing with me. You can't convince me.
2. I will do it first, and then I will think.
3. I don’t slow down where everyone else is slowing down.
4. I will remain young forever, because becoming an adult is boring.
5. You can do the same thing as me. You won't be able to do better anyway.
6. Please speak quickly. I don't have the patience to listen to you.
7. My stubbornness is not a vice, it was simply born before me.
8. It is much easier to control any situation than emotions.
9. I won’t hit you first, but you better not touch me.
10. It's good to be honest - unnecessary people They themselves stop communicating with me.

Taurus

If Taurus could describe themselves in a humorous way, they could use the following phrases.

1. I never waste money on buying things, but I always spend money on entertainment.
2. I don’t need someone else’s, and don’t you dare touch what’s mine.
3. It's better to be bad friends than to have good quarrels.
4. It is better to stay in the familiar comfort of four walls than to admire the colors of nature.
5. Food is a wonderful invention of mankind.
6. It's better to go second to save energy.
7. Taste delicious dishes and wine is my passion.
8. Be affectionate and then you can achieve more than others.
9. There is no need to pull someone who is well settled.
10. Disposable things were invented for disposable people.

Twins

Ten succinct phrases that reveal their character and behavior will suit restless Geminis.

1. Today I am again different from who I was yesterday.
2. Being in control of the situation is useful - you get more information.
3. One mind is good, but two are better. Especially if both belong to you.
4. Today I'm here, tomorrow I'm there.
5. Ideas should not gather dust on shelves of old books.
6. If you didn’t make it, it means you’re late. We need to speed up.
7. You need to move quickly through life so as not to get bogged down in “textures.”
8. I rarely answer for my words, but with humor.
9. I don’t have enough time for quality, so I take quantity.
10. There should be more means of communication.

Cancer

Cancers will be able to recognize themselves and their behavior patterns by the following interesting phrases, which in a humorous form reflect their style of behavior.

1. Life is difficult only where it is impossible to hide in a secluded place.
2. Behind the stone walls of my fortress, I am invulnerable to the cruel world.
3. Supplies need to be replenished so that they never run out.
4. Being a nanny is great. And it doesn’t matter how old your ward is.
5. If you know how to wait, happiness will eventually find you on its own.
6. You need to meet friends at home, and not walk around cafes.
7. An abundance of food in the refrigerator is real happiness.
8. Money should only be spent on quality things.
9. My past is always with me. And it doesn’t bother me at all.
10. Ten years is not a long time for good quality clothes.

a lion

Proud Leos do not always agree with the characteristics that people around them give them. However, in every joke there is some truth that is worth listening to.

1. It is much more pleasant to help people than to find yourself in the role of someone asking for help.
2. Follow me, I know the right path.
3. Good manners are the key to personal success.
4. The sun shines exclusively for Leo.
5. It's nice to earn good money, but it's much nicer to spend it.
6. A dictator sometimes needs to be hidden behind a mask of prudence and benevolence.
7. I don’t understand how you can not admire me.
8. I need more gold, more pathos and more admiring glances.
9. Even if the item is not needed, I must have it. Especially if it is expensive and looks gorgeous.
10. The sign on my office door must be immaculate.

Virgo

Virgos sometimes need to look at themselves from the outside in order to change their attitude towards life. Ten humorous phrases will help you with this.

1. If you work hard, good things will definitely come of it.
2. All things must be in their place.
3. Modesty adorns any Virgo.
4. Logic should be in everything, even in love.
5. Everything should look perfect. No crookedly hanging pictures.
6. You need to live not only for yourself, but also to help others.
7. Large scales are scary - it’s difficult to bring order to them.
8. Beauty will save the world, especially if you create it with your own hands
9. There is no need to throw away old things. They can come in handy at the most unexpected moment.
10. Less difficulties, more routine.

Scales

For Libra, the following statements may be familiar. Perhaps they will help you doubt less and change your behavior for the better.

1. Any task must be done with the appropriate mood.
2. You can win by agreeing.
3. Making a choice is one of the most difficult and tiring tasks.
4. Politeness can move mountains.
5. Beauty should be in everything: in the image, in the home, and in the workplace.
6. Information is needed like air.
7. Laziness is the engine of progress.
8. One of the stupidest things to do is argue. It takes up too much energy.
9. Doubts sometimes help to avoid troubles.
10. Not all i's need to be dotted.

Scorpion

If Scorpios could talk about themselves in succinct short phrases, then the following expressions would suit them.

1. You need a good reason to smile.
2. It’s a pity that sometimes there is no one to “sting”.
3. This world is short of knights.
4. I am like a cactus: flowers open only for a select few.
5. Revenge should be served cold, but only to those who truly deserve it.
6. Even if there is a hurricane inside you, remain calm on the outside.
7. The world needs stations to refuel people with emotions.
8. You need to go through a break, even through a windfall.
9. People are like books: you just have to open them.
10. You need to constantly take risks, otherwise there will be nothing to remember in old age.

Sagittarius

Sagittarians could make a presentation of themselves and their character in the following humorous expressions.

1. Those who have it feel remorse. Mine doesn't bite.
2. There’s no point in panicking ahead of time, I’ll figure it out when the pressure comes.
3. The spirit of competition allows you to be better in everything.
4. Do you want to cheer yourself up? Ask me how.
5. I forgive everyone I owe.
6. Argument is another opportunity to show off your intellect.
7. I am not obligatory, but I am immensely charming.
8. I'm throwing it around for free and professionally.
9. I know how to become a philosopher in five minutes.
10. Commitments save more than one life.

Capricorn

For Capricorns, whom people may not understand, the site’s experts have selected the following funny sayings. We hope that they will help lift your spirits and smile more often.

1. Even one in the field can be a warrior.
2. The laws of meanness work for me.
3. I'm like cognac: I only get better with age.
4. good to talk about wonderful places and countries, sitting at home.
5. Financial Advisor. Long, expensive, with a guarantee.
6. You can allow yourself to drop from the top if you have been climbing it all your life.
7. Life is a train that stops at its stations exactly according to the schedule.
8. If necessary, I can become the head of the Universe
9. There is no place for sprints in my life. I am a true marathon runner.
10. You can gore anyone with stubbornness.

Aquarius

Ten sentences characterizing Gemini may seem naive, but for many representatives of this Sign they can be useful.

1. There is no greater boredom than being like others.
2. I come up with ideals myself.
3. Living with prejudices is for fools.
4. Everything will be fine in the future.
5. Be an angel? Why not?
6. Sometimes enough is enough good intentions. It is not necessary to do this.
7. Family is great, but friends are more important.
8. There are no lonely thoughts in my head. They make friends and create chaos.
9. I can be in several places at once because good man there must be a lot.
10. Life should have stops, not quiet havens.

Fish

Pisces, with their world of illusions and reluctance to explain their behavior, can use the following pithy phrases.

1. My profession is to sympathize professionally.
2. There is no need to put off until tomorrow what can be done the day after tomorrow.
3. I can promise. I love it, I can do it, I practice it. But I won’t rush to do it.
4. I understand everyone, but not myself.
5. Don't put pressure on me, otherwise I will disappear.
6. Yes, I am busy, but few can understand.
7. We need more handkerchiefs and vest people.
8. Food needs to be chewed, work needs to be done.
9. Maintaining order in the house - who needs it?
10. The world of illusions and fantasies is beautiful. There is no need to leave him for a long time.

A comic horoscope can reflect your internal state. In any case, you shouldn’t ignore even funny statements about your Sign. Be careful in your actions and desires so that there is no room for disappointment in your life. Attract good luck into your life and be happy. We wish you all the best, and don't forget to press the buttons and

1. Aries (March 21 - April 20): level of craziness - 30%!
   If you go to the mountains with someone, then only with Aries. They are avid extreme sports enthusiasts, and they will always give a helping hand to their comrade. Aries clearly follow their path and achieve their goals. Many plans are ripening in their heads, which sometimes seem absolutely crazy. One can only envy their courage and perseverance!
2. Taurus (April 21 - May 21): level of craziness - 40%!
   Stubbornness - main feature this sign. Taurus will drive anyone crazy: it is so important for them to prove that they are right. This makes them a little strange in the eyes of other people. Taurus are comprehensively developed, they have kind heart and iron willpower.

   

3. Gemini (May 22 - June 21): level of craziness - 100%!
   The craziest sign of the zodiac. Geminis are fickle and frivolous, you never know what they have in store for you today. But you will never get bored with them! They have a bunch in stock incredible stories and tales from life. Only Geminis are capable of reaching a completely crazy ending in their adventures.

   

4. Cancer (June 22 - July 22): Crazy level - 90%!
   Cancers are famous for their sudden mood swings. They prefer not to leave the house, but if they go to a nightclub, beware. They are the ones who, in a state of intoxication, write crazy messages to their exes. You never know what's on a Cancer's mind, and it drives you crazy!

   

5. Leo (July 23 - August 21): level of madness - 80%!
   Representatives of this sign are accustomed to being the center of attention; they love noisy parties and large companies. Leos quickly get drunk, and this loosens their tongue so much that those around them often have to blush. These people have no brakes, they don’t know how to stop in time.

   

6. Virgo (August 22 - September 23): level of madness - 70%!
   Virgo works tirelessly on herself, strives for perfection in everything. Control and power are her main passions. These people are capable of doing noble deeds, but they expect recognition for it. Their desire to appear ideal in the eyes of people completely takes over them.

   

7. Libra (September 24 - October 23): level of madness - 30%!
   Libras are obsessed with finding balance in everything. Sometimes they are ready to go to extremes, especially when it comes to members of the opposite sex. Libra will do anything to get the object of their affection, even stooping to gossip.

   

8. Scorpio (October 24 - November 22): level of madness - 40%!
   The statement that Scorpios sting unbearably is true. Of course, they have no equal in resourcefulness and insight, but this still does not brighten up their shortcomings. Scorpio is the most sensual sign of the zodiac, he is a master of beautiful courtship and romantic gestures. His sexual energy flows over the edge, so few people manage to cope with this raging flow of passion.

   

9. Sagittarius (November 23 - December 22): level of madness - 50%!
   Sagittarians proudly carry the banner of justice and truth all their lives. And it’s better not to interfere with this! Nothing can outrage them more than a restriction of personal freedom. In addition, Sagittarians are easily fired up by ideas that sometimes blind their minds.

   

10. Capricorn (December 23 - January 20): level of craziness - 60%!
    Capricorns are workaholics! They shoulder the most complex tasks and enthusiastically take on their decision. Capricorns are not averse to showing off their intelligence and professionalism. If they are at the head of any business, you should not expect any concessions.

    Capricorns stick to their guns, even if they are wrong. This feature also applies to personal life: The partner will always be on a tight rein. Their madness lies in the desire to keep everything under control.

    

11. Aquarius (January 21 - February 19): level of craziness - 20%!
    Aquarius is like a crazy professor who is used to living in his illusions. It's very easy to fool, and people are used to using it. That is why this zodiac sign often becomes a victim of scammers, and simply those who are looking for easy prey.

    

12. Pisces (February 20 - March 20): level of madness - 10%!
    Pisces are the least crazy among the other zodiac signs. They are calm and peaceful, you can always rely on them. Pisces are ready to sacrifice their interests just to brighten up someone's loneliness. These character traits make them the most thoughtful, wise and empathetic.

    

IN ONE DUTCH WOMEN'S MAGAZINE I STANDED UPON THIS FUNNY HOROSCOPE.

I WANTED TO INTRODUCE YOU WITH THESE IDEAS, BUT IN THE PROCESS OF READING I WAS SURPRISED MYSELF... BUT SO MUCH THINGS COINCIDE...?!

TAKE A LOOK FOR YOURSELF, MAYBE THIS SHOULD BE AMAZING TO YOU?

Aries is the first sign of the Zodiac, the most lively and energetic. Astrology textbooks describe Aries as an engaging, energetic personality, endowed with the charisma of a born leader and revolutionary. He rapidly rushes through life, radiating cheerfulness and optimism.

The truth is that he is an overbearing, self-centered bastard, only interested in himself and with an inflated ego.

In Aries, Mars gives a person courage, determination, energy, passion and ambition, as well as hot temper, selfishness and impulsiveness. A typical Aries flies through life at full steam, challenging anyone who stands in his way. Endowed with fearlessness by nature, he calmly rushes into battle, even with an obviously strong opponent. If you are unlucky and fall under his feet, you will fully experience for yourself what an irritated Aries is: angry, red, he screams and can even stomp his feet, or even throw his fists. Sometimes, suddenly, out of the blue, he can show generosity and, for example, leave his partner empty-handed. Most of all he is afraid of being considered ignoble!

He is hurt by the condescending attitude, he will not forgive this and, on occasion, can take painful revenge. Although by nature he is not so vindictive.

Aries does not reason in detail, he simply reacts to stimuli, he first acts and then thinks, often in the heat of the moment destroying his own happiness, because he has no time to collect facts and think...

Without an iota of humility, he never admits his mistakes! It is impossible to wait for words of apology from him.

You start arguing with him and a barrage of screams and insults will fall on you; if you prove that you are right, he will be offended like a child and go away to sulk in a corner. Aries is characterized by a complete lack of taste in clothes, they simply have no time to do it, they are more attracted to moving objects... They especially adore cars.

What is characteristic is that they are selfless in love...

CALF. (April 20-May 20)

Taurus is the second sign of the Zodiac. Traditional astrology kindly describes Taurus as reliable, picky eater, thrifty homebody, lover of good food and magic in the kitchen. A born boss and a person capable of ruling the World.

But in real life you will have to deal with a stubborn, edifying, boring curmudgeon with weight problems.

When you hear the word Taurus or bull, people’s imaginations conjure up an image of a large animal peacefully chewing grass, blinking its large shiny eyes with satisfaction. He is even ready to let you scratch him behind the ears... But if you want to pick a couple of leaves in his field, you will get such a storm!

Whichever Taurus you interact with, be it a man or a woman, you will quickly recognize his character. His rage is capable of awakening such a beast in him in an instant that you will instantly regret that bullfighting was abolished in your country!

His eyes fill with anger, he even darkens his face, everyone’s lower jaw protrudes forward at least a little, they subconsciously bow their heads and look at you from under their brows, just like a bull before an attack...

Taurus is ruled by the planet Venus, which gives it insatiability.

Simple approval is never enough for Taurus, property is always small, food is not enough, rest and sex are always not to the fullest... They are emotional, but not intellectual, and from childhood they take advantage of hard work and diligence. They don’t know how to grasp a thought on the fly, but if they learn something, it’s for life. Because of this, many of them do not complete their education, or give up halfway... the craving for pleasure is too great. But if they have already learned, then rest assured, you won’t find a better careerist... They love to sit at all kinds of meetings, sessions, join parties, unions and very quickly become leaders in them... Although everyone will whisper behind his back that he is a scoundrel, a dictator, usurper…

They are not able to listen to the opinion of another person, so neither logic nor reasonable arguments work on them. If you start arguing with him, you will feel like you are hitting your forehead against the wall, and if it turns out that you are right, he will look at you as if you were an alien. His great sense of style and beauty attracts people to him, but they are often lonely due to their difficult nature and are prone to sexual perversions, such as homosexuality. Both men and women often suffer from an inferiority complex due to weight and therefore sometimes allow themselves harsh behavior, but they just want to eat.

Many Taurus can never give up bad habits, smoking, drugs, alcohol, they like to be late... They are usually very good parents, but they like to pamper their children.

Gemini is the third sign of the Zodiac. Astrologers unanimously convince us that Geminis are energetic, versatile people, endowed with a lot of talents, charming intellectuals, capable of solving several problems at the same time and very fond of communication.

In fact, being close to Gemini is like getting a job in a madhouse; surprises and various dirty tricks will constantly await you.

They are not smart, but cunning, cunning and resourceful, rather talkers than philosophers. They think fast and strange the main objective in their life it is to become famous and in turn meet all the celebrities around them.

Their element is meetings, cocktails, presentations, where famous audiences gather and talk about high things... Although their knowledge of everything is superficial, they pretend that they understand everything and in every field of art they are the most subtle connoisseurs and specialists. Their patron is Mercury, the fast god who has wings on his sandals! He transports them from one place to another with lightning speed, and the element air is impermanence itself.

It is impossible to convince a Gemini; they are very stubborn, but they pass off their stubbornness as breadth of mind and independence. They do not delve into life, but seem to glide along the surface. A point of view other than their own is always wrong in their eyes, but they know for sure that they are right!

In marriage, this is the most unfaithful and fickle partner, they are attracted to new people by their freshness and incomprehensibility, they are instantly enchanted, they suffer greatly from unrequited love, but can be consoled in a quarter of an hour by seeing something new on the horizon. They can meticulously ask a person about something, without even delving into the essence of his answers and explanations. They have an excellent sense of taste and style, they know how to dress beautifully and wear jewelry, but they always think that the neighbor on the landing looks better and begin to copy her, because they have two faces, they are constantly in change...

Envy, passion for gossip and intrigue, constant changes in mood and point of view... makes Gemini unreliable partners, they always have enemies, they can especially cause a lot of suffering to Capricorns, Virgos, Taurus and Scorpios... But people fall in love with them and remain faithful to them all their lives , people much more worthy than them... it’s just that these victims fell into the net of their charm. Geminis are always thin, food does not give them such satisfaction as, for example, good music, declaration of love, poetry, walk in the forest.

CANCER. (June 21-July 22)

Cancer, the fourth sign of the Zodiac, lives in the House of domestic, private life. Compliant astrology describes Cancer as a person who loves solitude, is caring, and is completely devoted to family and friends.

The truth is that Cancers are slippery creatures, prone to manipulating people and, in turn, demanding absolute devotion from loved ones.

All water signs sensitive and emotional, but Cancer is simply a champion in emotional instability. Cancer is ruled by the Moon, and it changes daily; the mood of Cancer is the ebb and flow of the tides, only accelerated many times over. Polite Cancer can easily be rude, insult, and is very often ready to cheat, but you are unlikely to know about it, he is secretive and deceitful.

Cancer is capable of joking, laughing and getting angry, or being offended and crying at the same time. He loves to retire, attack and immediately complain and whine...

He has several points of view on the same question and all of them, by the way, are correct; he is not at all stubborn, but he is not going to argue with you, he will simply remain silent and do it his own way.

Sharp and unexpected movements frighten him, they even shudder, they love smoothness and softness, insects and reptiles frighten him.

Cancers don't reason, they get offended...

Weepy.

Forcing Cancer to look at himself objectively is an unrealistic task. In a dispute, Cancer will be the first to be silent, but this does not mean that he has lost, do not extend your hand to him, he can chop it off with his claw. Cancer loves old things, antiques, all Cancers are very religious, and for real. Great intuition makes them a bit of a seer in the eyes of other people, wonderful parents, but dubious partners... Especially Cancer men love to live in two families and have illegitimate children, and those around them often find out about this only after their death. Cancer women are rarely noticeable
s in society, usually these are quiet mothers of families or mediocre officials, but this does not mean anything, if Cancer gets a job somewhere, he will always find a loophole to illegally increase his salary. They love to work where there is a smell of money.

Leo is the fifth sign of the Zodiac. He lives in the house of creativity and love. Any book on astrology will tell you that Leos are proud, confident, fun-loving people, loyal, generous, elegant. Most likely, these books were written by the astrologer Leo.

In fact, Leos always crave to be in the center of attention, power fanatics of their own “I”, whose immaturity and selfishness are exceeded only by their desire to control others.

Leo is ruled by the Sun, and just as it is the center of our System, Leo (or Lioness) considers itself the center around which everything should revolve. Of course, they crave obvious worship, but sometimes it is enough for them that you personally consider it the main thing in everything.

Leos are either loud, unceremonious and cheeky, or crafty quiet ones with a sense of self-esteem.

Sometimes he can just pretend to be a humble quiet person for a while, but don’t be deceived, there are no shy and shy Leos in nature. Their constant need for attention often makes them moody, and when they lose touch with their Self, they become selfish tyrants, especially as they age, believing that their whole life is a vale of misery. In fact, they roar and cause suffering to others without the slightest embarrassment.

Instead of building relationships with people, they torment them with jealousy and reproaches, try to argue with them and you will hear just a roar instead of arguments.

Win an argument with him, he will fall silent, stare at you and go into the shadows, pondering the next attack.

Leos make the most devoted mama's boys. They easily part with their first spouse, although later they often regret it for the rest of their lives.

Lionesses make fanatical mothers who take great pleasure in poisoning the lives of their daughters-in-law.

Virgo is the sixth sign of the Zodiac and lives in the House of Services and Health. Astrologers tactfully portray Virgo as a modest, practical, sweet person, logical, discerning and meticulous.

However, if you take a closer look, you will find a restless, fussy, petty critic and a hypocrite, prone to endless analysis and subjective assessments.

Virgo is ruled by Mercury, the same planet that rules restless Gemini. However, in Virgo, restless Mercury is trapped in the element of Earth, where he becomes critical and irritable.

Virgos might dream of being as spontaneous as Geminis, but they stand too firmly on the ground.

Virgos get worried about everything.

They heal the sick, save sinners, correct speech errors and dispense unsolicited advice with the gravity of an elementary school teacher.

Virgos are very cautious and absolutely devoid of adventurism. They are so busy improving those around them that they completely ignore their character, which cannot be called pleasant.

Of all the signs, Virgos are the least able to admit their mistakes. Born under the motto, THERE IS NO PERFECTION IN THE WORLD!, they cannot relax and enjoy life.

All Virgo’s fantasies and dreams have an absolutely practical purpose, Virgo does nothing without benefit for herself, and if she gave you something, it means that the other day she just got a larger piece.

Virgo can get a job in any organization, even in Horns and Hooves, and calmly have their piece of bread with butter and caviar there. Most of all they fear for their health, therefore, no matter what, Virgo will not eat, if necessary, they will calmly lose weight or quit smoking, they do not tell anyone, even themselves, the whole truth.

Always on the sidelines, they know how to pull chestnuts out of the fire with someone else’s hands. Virgo, possessing the gift of persuasion, can convince anyone that a new enterprise is simply necessary; she has long ago calculated the dividends for herself.

They are constant in marriage, because disorder in everything has a depressing effect on Virgo.

Virgo is obsessed with neatness, they are easy to recognize by appearance, always neatly dressed and combed. Men often get married very late or even remain single, because Virgo, firstly, is never bored alone, and secondly, Virgo men enjoy doing housework.

This sign, both in the Zodiac and in life, embodies the variability of life and the constancy of change.

Astrologers endow him with the highest harmony, they claim that Libra is always impartial, diplomatic and always strives for peace, that they spend their entire lives looking for truth, beauty and the perfect life partner.

In fact, behind their somewhat cloying smiles, hide those who like to pamper themselves, their Beloved, people who indulge only their own whims in everything, their ears are tuned only to the ringing of coins, and there is no more individuality and greatness in them than in a green leaf.

Libra is ruled by Venus, but it is in Libra that it gives a person an endless thirst for improvement. They definitely need to be the first, they are never satisfied, neither with themselves nor with their partner.

As one of the domineering cardinal signs, Libra views dissent as a personal insult.

They get angry even if you just change the TV to another channel.

According to Libra, the harmony of the world lies in the fact that everyone agrees with them. Libras are very subjective and not judgmental. They recognize one opinion - their own.

If you start arguing with them, they will explode with anger, but they can easily ask you for forgiveness because they are afraid of power.

All Libras necessarily have at least some kind of inferiority complex. For women it’s either weight, or height, or not-too-smooth skin; for men it’s even worse; even a beautiful wife won’t help him stop being tormented by the fact that someone else might be better...

Libras get married only by calculation; if the calculation turns out to be wrong, they often do not muster the courage to get a divorce and harass their partner with nagging, sometimes destroying him as a person.

At heart they are cowards and a shout is enough for them, but they are offended for life... They are geniuses in love and very often have affairs with married people, because to take someone away from them, what could be more pleasant? You don’t have to ask them for a loan... they won’t give it. When it comes to raising children, they are complete ignoramuses, either pampering or demanding impossible obedience; as a rule, their children grow up indecisive and always look back at their parents, although Libra themselves are always disobedient and rough-necked in childhood. But they are capable of generous and broad gestures, this charms people; they often say about Libra: A wonderful person!

SCORPION(October 23-November 21)

Scorpio, the eighth sign of the Zodiac, resides in the House of Death, Sex and Other People's Possessions.

Conventional astrology describes Scorpio as a passionate creature, full of secrets, sensual, endowed with the gift of rebirth and rising from the ashes, like the Phoenix.

But a comparison with Dracula rising from the grave is more suitable for him.

These are people possessed by obsessive ideas, very secretive subjects prone to assault, who feed their pride by humiliating others.

Scorpio is ruled by two planets. From Mars, the god of war, conflict and aggression, he is endowed with suspicion, and his outward friendliness is separated from boiling toxic emotions by only a thin layer of skin.

The second planet Pluto, the god of extremes, instills in him an unsurpassed instinct for survival in any situation. Neither an aspen stake, nor holy water - nothing can harm Scorpio; only he himself can hit him. Which is what Scorpio usually does at the end of life.

Scorpio rarely lives out his life happily; usually his unbridled imagination and instinct of ownership push him to make an erroneous fateful decision.

But mind you, not anyone, but only himself, is doing a dirty trick on himself.

His favorite game in life is Bonfire of the Inquisition. If you die, then you are innocent, if you remain alive, then you are guilty.

They deliberately cause harm to loved ones; as a rule, their marriages do not last long, especially the first ones, not very There are not many people who can withstand their character. After all, everyone in this world, in his opinion, is not worthy of him, he is the best in everything, the richest, the most successful, they are by nature endowed with longevity, good health and exorbitant narcissism.

Their intuition is so developed that they see people through. Very religious. Perhaps the most religious of all signs.

If you leave him with a snort, he will never forgive you. Scorpios are very vindictive, they do not forget anything and never forgive.

They love to be late everywhere and hate it when others are late to them. As a rule, they are very hot-tempered and in the heat of the moment they speak without thinking, they are often pugnacious and never give in. Sometimes they are capable of a broad gesture, but here
they will demand something in return.

Their motto: All or nothing!

If you get a divorce, then they try in every way to annoy your ex and pay alimony with great reluctance.

Greedy beef and all the money in the world are never enough for them.

Sagittarius is the ninth sign of the Zodiac and resides in the House of philosophy, adventure and long-distance travel.

Traditionally, representatives of this sign are described as sociable, cheerful, honest people with philosophical view on life and events in the world, passionate travelers.

However, the harsh truth is that this is a tactless subject, stomping through life with one foot stuck in a bucket, a loudmouth and a bully, always speaking out of place.

Sagittarius is ruled by the cheerful joker Jupiter, and he endows his charges with a restless character and extravagance.

Sagittarians never know how to count money and easily part with it, their generosity of soul is sometimes even burdensome, they have a lot of friends around the world, they charm you so much from the first meeting that they immediately remember this person and immediately promote them somewhere.

Becoming a leader or director is a piece of cake for Sagittarius, but he often won’t work, because his job is to travel around, make incendiary speeches and sit on the podium. All Sagittarians, both men and women, firmly believe that they know everything in the world and spend their time educating humanity, which is mired in ignorance.

They don’t know how to act subtly; they need everything to be done right away.

They laugh very loudly or smile cloyingly, but under the mask of a cheerful jester hides suppressed rage, and what a rage!

It is because they have to suppress their anger that many of them are violent criminals.

In general, angry Sagittarians do not even try to curb their feelings.

They were born in the dark season, when the days are shortest and the nights are longest and their souls are often also twilight, they suffer from attacks of melancholy, they constantly want fiesta.

Their favorite entertainment is the circus; they love loud music, which is why there are so many artists, singers, and musicians among them.

Sagittarius women are completely delighted with shiny jewelry, even cheap jewelry. Flaw sunlight makes them lovers of bright clothes. Sagittarians love to quarrel with relatives, both close and distant, and they have frequent conflicts in their families, while they argue, yell, and then can calmly make peace and talk an hour later as if nothing had happened.

They are very emotional, capricious, and fickle.

They cheat easily in marriage. They don’t know how to argue, and if you start to prove your point, your centaur will quickly jump over the fence and run away for fresh clover.

As a rule, Sagittarius women always have many children, not at all because they are good mothers, they are just too lazy
protect themselves and they make a decision with lightning speed: Oh, let there be another child! Although, having given birth, they immediately try to get the baby to be nursed by someone, they harass their husband, mother, distant relatives and neighbors, they love five-day days, because for them going to work is a vacation, and, instead of running home to the children after work, it may well go listen to a lecture on how to care for orchids, although she doesn’t have any orchids.

Sagittarians are simply born for public assignments: house elder, combatants, fireman, stewardess, conductor of the Moscow-Vladivostok carriage - what could be more pleasant?

Generous astrologers describe this person as a traditionalist, a determined and purposeful person, a very selective person, with good taste and a sense of style.

It would be possible not to try hard with the description, replacing it with one word careerist.

If you are dealing with Capricorn, then you will definitely suffer from his power, pompousness, these people clutch in one hand Civil Code, and in the other - a marriage contract.

Capricorn is ruled by Saturn, and here he endows him with dogmatism and makes him purely business-minded. Capricorn women, if they did not make a career themselves, then brought their weak-willed husbands into the people, and they were not given anything else.

All Capricorns are born with a manic desire to be first in their herd. Although a fish tail in their sign indicates a moist and emotional nature. They are sensitive and cry often. But their tears are rarely visible, they are not sweetly sentimental like Pisces.

Showing emotions is considered indecent, but they are hot-tempered.

More than anything else, they love to talk about how hard they worked and tried to achieve their position. Although by nature they are generally tongue-tied and listening to them is tiring, they do not have flights of thought and imagination, like Pisces and Gemini, everything is the naked truth. They also have a poor sense of humor.

Capricorns are very serious and lack spontaneity. Very often, women and men born under this sign marry early, although they themselves do not understand why?

They think very little about love, they are interested in material values, but in their youth it seems to them: It’s time, it’s time to start a family, I’m already an adult

Namely, they think about family, not about love.

In quite at a young age achieve material success, and having achieved it, they understand that life is boring. They don’t know how to be happy, so all Capricorns have a very responsible hobby, if not, then only their favorite JOB!

And only this brings him happiness; to all his partner’s lamentations he has an excuse: I’m busy! Money is an end in itself for Capricorn.

In general, these are boring subjects who are usually appreciated when they are suddenly not around. They take great care of their health and are chronic long-livers.

According to the Bible, Jesus was a Capricorn, but by all indications He was, of course, a FISH, a kind pacifist... But Capricorns love to fight to the end, they are very stubborn and persistent.

If you win the argument, it is likely that your phone will ring at night; Capricorn has decided to offer you a counter-argument...

Aquarius is the eleventh sign of the Zodiac, and benevolent astrology describes him as an individualist, self-confident, original and idealistic, who treats all people equally.

To you, he will most likely seem like an obsessive eccentric who begins to tell everyone he meets about his bizarre theories and conclusions.

Bring confusion and chaos true purpose Aquarius. He doesn't even know why he's doing this.

Since we have officially entered the Age of Aquarius, this only enhances its qualities. He loves rebellion, and in a peaceful, routine life he feels sleepy, often because of this he has the desire to drink or smoke... They are very prone to bad habits.

Aquarius loves to cross the boundaries of morality and break the law.

Aquarius is ruled by two planets - Uranus and Saturn.

Uranus is the planet of sudden changes and revolutions. Saturn is the planet of dogma and suppression. Therefore, Aquarians are not sincere, they create the illusion of change without changing anything, they themselves are terribly afraid of change.

Aquarians are aloof people, not passionate, if you dig deeper, you will notice that they know little, their knowledge is superficial, and in general, they often have nothing to say.

They are all dreaming about the future: when I grow up, when I get married, when I have children, when I save money, when I retire... But life passes them by, because they do not know how to live in the present.

They don’t even wear clothes right away; they usually hang them in the closet for years until they go out of fashion.

They are often very insightful and have a good understanding of people, but their problem is that they can never understand themselves... Marriages with them break up easily, like ninepins... But they are never left alone, they will always find someone to charm, and again they are paired ...

By old age, their weakest organ is the head, often memory loss, and nervous disorders. Therefore, if you get an Aquarius, take care of him, he does not know how to take care of himself.

Pisces is the twelfth and last sign of the Zodiac, which absorbs the wisdom of all other signs. Astrology calls them seers, they seem to have descended to earth along a moonbeam, people prone to introspection, sensitive to the mood and aura of other people. Good pacifists, they feel sorry for everyone, both people and animals...

Scrape off the gilt and you will find a dreamer overturned by the realities of life, gullible, disorganized, constantly in a state of confusion and completely helpless.

Pisces is ruled by Neptune, the god of illusions, and it is he who endows a person born under this sign with the desire to run away from problems and absolute naivety. They believe everything!

They evaluate every action through the prism of their prejudices, against which any truth is shattered..

This makes Pisces champions among losers, but they endure all adversity easily, for the sole reason that not knowing how to get out of the situation, they resign themselves to it, and the current carries them out on its own.

They are not fighters, they don’t lay down their weapons, they don’t even know how to pick them up!

This makes them surprisingly resilient, but far from reality.

They have many, many ideas, but the fear of change and unwillingness to take risks keeps them down and often prevents them from developing their potential, which is enormous.

They have a lot of talents and they can do many things better than others, but they are lazy...

Ambition is a trait generally unknown to them; they may well tell their idea, completely free of charge, to a person who will make capital on it.

But Neptune is the god of the sea elements, so Pisces are quick-tempered and hysterical like no other, but after an hour they have already forgotten that they just recently yelled at you, and begin to talk as if nothing had happened, they have a wonderful sense of humor, but sometimes it is cruel satire.

All Pisces speak first and think later.

But they are certainly interesting people, and the taste, style and charm they have often makes you come to terms with and digest their intolerable character.

They are quick-tempered, but quick-witted, they say about themselves, without noticing that they have a lot of enemies.

Pisces themselves are terribly vindictive and do not forgive insults, reminding everyone of this, including the offenders, many take this for courage, but this is just sentimental whining. After all, Pisces never take revenge.

Each holiday is good and interesting in its own way. But usually at any holiday it all comes down to the fact that almost 99% of the attention is paid to the hero of the occasion: the hero of the day or the newlyweds or the birthday boy. What about the guests? They came to have fun and have fun! We haven't forgotten about them, and have prepared an interesting game block: a comic astrological forecast for guests at the anniversary. This forecast can be presented in different ways. The most obvious option is for an astrologer to come out and read out his forecast for each guest or zodiac sign. A gypsy can also come out, but here questions arise - where is the gypsy so smart that she understands astrology? Therefore, a gypsy would not be very appropriate in such a block. The third option is reading astrological forecast the presenter himself. This is in case it is not possible to make a scene with changing clothes. There may be other options, but they are not so obvious. How to display this number is up to you. Below we will provide you with some humorous predictions that you can use on anniversaries.

Comic horoscope 1.
The first version of the comic horoscope is written by the guests themselves. Everything here is quite simple, but interesting. Everyone knows a game called missing adjectives. And in this game we will skip the names of the guests. You need to come up with a forecast that does not include names. Then, at the celebration, you ask the hero of the day to take turns calling the names of all the guests who are present at the celebration. And enter the names into the forecast one by one. Next, read out what happened.
Example of a letter with guest names missing:

“Today (the date of the anniversary, the stars predict for us a great festive evening! It will end differently for everyone, but everyone will be happy. At 19 o’clock Jupiter will eclipse the sun and at this time (guest’s name) will go to rest under the table. Two minutes later, when the sun will emerge from under the shadow of Jupiter (guest's name) and join the vacationer under the table.
At 19.25 the moon will appear in the sky. At that very moment (guest's name) with the words - I'm going to sleep! – falls face first into a plate of salad. When the Ursa Minor appears in the sky, (guest's name) will begin to look for a warm place to rest and will find it on the large and cozy chest of (guest's name).
As soon as the clock strikes 20 o'clock, a musical break will begin. And (guest's name) will be the first to go out onto the dance floor and show a master class. After his dance (name of guest) shouting - Bravo! – will run onto the stage and perform a wild dance with elements of striptease. When (guest's name) sees this, he will scream - oh my God! This is the best thing I've seen in my life!
In twenty minutes. When the big bear appears in the sky, the dancing guests will calm down and sit down in their seats. At the same time (guest's name) will shout loudly - I demand the continuation of the banquet! - He will drink a glass of vodka and carefully lay his head on the table, as if on a pillow.
The evening will end with all the stars appearing in the sky, and under their influence (guest’s name) and (guest’s name) will sing a duet song - Mom Luda, come on, come on, come on! And the rest of the guests will film them on their phones to show the clip tomorrow morning and make fun of them!”

Here's an option you can try. You can change the text or come up with your own. It is important to remember here that all people are different, and if you know that someone might be offended, then it is better not to include their name in the forecast.

Comic forecast 2.
The following forecast is for guests the morning after the holiday. This forecast is called the hangover forecast!

And so, dear guests! Just a moment of attention. Today we all go out and have fun. But none of you thinks about the consequences, doesn’t think about what will happen to each of you tomorrow morning. But our astrologer already knows everything, and will tell you what will happen to each of you tomorrow morning.
Aries - the morning will start very badly for you. Approaching the mirror, you will see that your rounded horns have straightened and are preventing you from going through the doors.
Taurus – you shouldn’t think that if you drank activated charcoal before the holiday, then everything will be fine. You will see this coal again, and you will understand that everything is very bad.
Gemini – don’t be surprised, but in the morning you will wake up with a person who is exactly like you!
Cancers - and you will learn to quickly crawl backwards from each glass, remembering this evening and your screams - pour it, drink it!
Leos - in the morning you will make such a roar that your neighbors will each bring you bottles of cold mineral water.
Virgos – don’t go to the mirror in the morning. Otherwise, you risk not recognizing yourself and fainting out of fear.
Libra - tomorrow morning will begin with you weighing and figuring out how much you can drink normal person, and how much you drank.
Scorpio – as soon as you wake up, you will immediately have a hangover. Otherwise, you will sting everyone with your sting all day long.
Sagittarius – it’s better to leave money in advance for tomorrow. Otherwise, you will shoot them at passers-by because they have a hangover.
Capricorns - a surprise awaits you in the morning - you will have new horns.
Aquarius - in the morning you will have guests who will want to continue the banquet with you.
Pisces - and you will be ashamed of this evening and your behavior. All tomorrow you will be silent, like a fish.

Horoscope 3.
And this horoscope is the shortest in the world! But this makes it even funnier and the guests will definitely like it. And so, let's look:

Horoscope 4.
And this is a rather bold horoscope, it is erotic! But nevertheless, it’s funny and the guests will like it. So that this horoscope goes off with a bang. Do this:
- name your zodiac sign and guests under this sign come to you. Romantic music turns on, they dance, and then you read out the horoscope:

Horoscope 5.
And another horoscope - alcoholic!
The same can be done in a special way. You name the zodiac sign and the guests under that sign stand up. They pour glasses and you read out their horoscope, after which these guests drink. It turns out interesting and funny:
Dear visitor! We recommend that you register on the site in order to be able to download hidden material for free. Registration is simple and will not take you more than a minute. After registering on the site, absolutely all sections will open to you, and you will be able to download material that is not available to unregistered users!

In contact with

Classmates

Someone just helplessly throws up his hands when he gets angry, while the other is already tearing and rushing around in search of someone who will take this blow, not himself. And often this directly depends on the Zodiac Sign.

Our horoscope of angry Zodiac Signs is just a joke, but, as you know, there is some truth in every joke. Perhaps it will be useful to you the next time your Capricorn boss loses his temper, and maybe you will look at yourself from the outside and with humor.

Aries

Aries can get angry in no time. He can flare up, flare up with anger, and in this state he usually resembles an angry bull at a bullfight. Fortunately, Aries is quite easy-going, despite the fact that this zodiac sign is considered stubborn.

Taurus

Taurus is patient, and therefore gets angry for a long time. Representatives of this zodiac sign can accumulate grievances, harboring them within themselves, and then present them to the offender, and when he is not expecting it. Therefore, psychologists advise such people to speak out and not hold tension within themselves.

Twins

Geminis get angry on a grand scale, without mincing words, and if they are angered purposefully, then in their methods of revenge. Fortunately, Geminis are addicted to nature, and they usually get distracted by negative emotions for something else.

And that’s right, because there is so much positive and worthless stuff around. negative emotions. will talk about it.

Cancer

When angry, Cancer may become offended, sad, or even take the position of a victim. But it is precisely in this situation that the evil Cancer is especially terrible, since, by causing a feeling of guilt in those around him, he is capable of bringing to repentance both his offender and even those who are not at all involved in Cancer’s troubles.

a lion

An angry Leo will certainly want to solve the problem, feeling hurt. He can build a grandiose plan for revenge on his enemy, create multi-stage gossip for the rumor lover who has offended him.

There is one “but” - those around him will bring Leo’s idea to life, which means that the evil Leo is quite dangerous for his inner circle.

Virgo

Virgo can make insidious plans for revenge for a very long time and will definitely remember all the negativity on occasion, since this zodiac sign is quite vindictive. Virgo is able to write a hundred complaints about unfair service and not get tired.

She never gets tired of congratulating her rival on her defeat every year, and it’s not in vain that many advise Virgo to direct all this energy in a useful direction.

Scales

Libras, when angry, experience conflicting feelings, and this is where their dual nature is revealed in all its glory. Should I continue to be angry or forgive and let go? Should I remember everything or erase the source of all this negativity from my life? Libra can fluctuate for a very long time, and the outcome of the situation depends on at what stage Libra gets tired of thinking and decides to act.

Scorpion

Scorpio is the same Zodiac Sign that, when angry, combines the ingenuity of Gemini, the perseverance of Virgo and the scope of Leo. In revenge or retaliatory strikes, Scorpio has no equal. However, when speaking against the Universe, it is important to remember the Law of Boomerang, and not only return negativity to the enemy, but also leave strength for something good for loved ones.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius gets angry unpredictably. Sometimes he may wave his hand and say something like “Come on, buddy, whoever doesn’t,” although you clearly feel that you are to blame and are already off your feet, thinking about how to correct the situation.

But at the same time, Sagittarius can remember that once, eight years ago, it was you who drank his yogurt, and remember this for a very long time. True, it is unlikely that Sagittarius will be seriously angry at this.

Capricorn

Capricorn gets angry little and rarely, simply because it is very difficult to get Capricorn angry. But if someone managed to shake this bastion of self-control and calm, it will be very difficult not to fall under attack, since Capricorn, like Virgo, has a good memory.

Aquarius

Aquarius usually gets angry very violently, be it a passerby stepping on his foot or universal injustice. But Aquarius rarely comes to retaliatory maneuvers. He prefers to prove to his ill-wisher by deeds that he is better, without becoming like his competitors or opponents.

Fish

Pisces, as a rule, get angry inactively, and can relive grievances over and over again. It can be easier for this Zodiac Sign to let go of both the situation and its possible culprit, and move on with life. But if this doesn’t work, the advice of psychologists will help get rid of anger.
Be less angry and smile more often, because smiling and positivity prolong life and improve energy.