Question for a psychologist:

Psychologist Anna Viktorovna Sokolova answers the question.

Margarita, good afternoon.

I have carefully read your message.

Based on what you wrote, I came to the conclusion that you have developed codependency towards your partner (D.). Codependency is an “unhealthy”, pathological, abnormal attachment to another person. Codependent relationships are characterized by the presence of a connection with another person to the detriment of oneself, i.e. a person is drawn to another person, although it is very difficult for them together, sometimes unbearable. Codependency manifests itself in the desire to control the life of another person.

Causes of codependent relationships.

1.Low self-esteem.

2. Dysfunctional family. Repressive relationships in the family. Family of alcoholics.

3. Lack of personal boundaries.

4. Dependence on the opinions of other people.

5. Problems in intimate life.

6. The position of the victim.

Signs of a codependent relationship.

1. The importance of the partner is higher than personal importance.

2. Loss of interest in your hobbies and interests.

3. Loss of interest in relationships with friends and loved ones.

4.You feel jealous towards your partner.

5.You are preoccupied with thoughts and worries about your partner’s problems.

6.You tolerate disrespectful treatment.

7.You feel like a victim of circumstances.

Now, let's talk about how to get rid of codependent relationships.

1.Take responsibility for what is happening.

Margarita, answer your questions honestly: Does your partner treat you with dignity? Who allowed such an attitude? Are you worthy of this kind of treatment? How do you feel from such an attitude towards yourself?

2. Assess the prospects of these relationships. What will (or did) such a connection lead to? What do you get from this relationship? Analyze how reliable your partner is. Think about the price you pay and could pay by continuing this relationship.

3. Once and for all, give up the idea of ​​​​changing another person. A person can only change himself.

4.Make a decision to get rid of codependency. Margarita, this should only be your desire. Without it, advice, recommendations and any other help from psychologists will be in vain.

5. Work on your self-esteem. Increase your own importance. This is necessary for building subsequent healthy relationships. Without this, stories are usually repeated with other partners.

6. Learn to understand what you want from a relationship, what it should be.

7.Define your personal boundaries. And don't let them break them. And also learn to respect and not violate the personal boundaries of other people.

8.Get rid of the need to control other people's lives forever. Understand that we are not always able to control the events that happen to us. But we can take control of our reactions and emotions to certain events.

9. Learn to make your life bright and rich. There are enough ways to do this.

10. Communicate. Expand your circle of acquaintances. Let change into your life.

11. Don't blame yourself and others for mistakes. This is your experience. You need to draw conclusions and move on in life without dwelling on it.

12. Realize that you are a woman. Refuse any material support towards the man. A man should not lend money.

13. Break contact with this person once and for all. Realize that you are being taken advantage of and stop it. Only you can do this. Understand that he is comfortable communicating with you. When he needs it, he comes to you and takes advantage of you. Think: does he need you? If so, then for what? Does he care about your emotional state?

14. Learn to love yourself. Understand self-love is a fundamental feeling.

15. Realize your dreams and goals (preferably on paper). Determine ways to achieve them.

16. Learn to analyze your actions and motives.

17. Realize the fact that until you rid yourself of such relationships, your life will not change. Events will repeat and you will go in circles. Think about what you will end up with?

18. Say goodbye to being a victim.

19. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated and refuse manipulation on your part.

Margarita, I sincerely wish you to get rid of codependency. This is real and within your power. I wish you feminine happiness and harmony.

4.55 Rating 4.55 (10 Votes)

People are constantly forced to deal with situations in which it is difficult to avoid negative experiences. It’s not easy to forget, let go, or get used to any circumstances. When the oppressed mental condition worsens, close to nervous breakdown or depression. And if you don’t stop, troubles will turn into a long streak of failures, the desire to achieve your goal will be lost, and something truly valuable may be missed in life.

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To “let go” of a situation, you first need to free yourself from it internally, which will help practical psychology. First you need to deal with the reason that does not allow you to relax and entails resentment, anger, shame or other emotions. Provided that the reason is realized, it becomes easier to consider your condition, highlight emotions as the last link in the chain, and feel independent of them.

Working with Emotions

If emotions are involved due to an unpleasant situation, it makes sense to release them. This requires a willingness to forgive or show new feelings. Often it is resentment that entails aggression, shame, and guilt.

Emotions follow thoughts and actions, so sometimes understatement is an obstacle to a new, changed attitude towards a person. If you bring more clarity and certainty, all negative feelings will disappear by themselves. Concerns and misunderstandings should be eliminated and contact important person through a message, call, meeting and clarify the relationship.

If a conflict arises, you need to consider possible ways of reconciliation, try to correct mistakes or recognize the existing order of things and forever part with the people with whom the quarrel occurred. After recognizing the facts, corresponding emotional changes occur on a subconscious level and memories cease to bother you. When making a new attempt to improve relationships, it is important to take into account that if you move towards the expected result along the tried and tested paths, the same undesirable situation will occur, and therefore you need to decide to do something differently. You should find an algorithm of behavior that leads to success.

If there are no other ways to achieve what you want, it would be correct to realize your capabilities, principles, values, because of which events took such a turn. It would be right to expand your view, look at what is happening from a different angle, and rise above the circumstances.

To completely let go of negativity, it is useful to provoke its release, allow yourself to cry and suffer, but for a strictly designated time. It is worth allowing yourself to experience strong emotions of indignation and anger, but only in order to then let them go. The accumulation of negativity will require more more work above oneself.

In the next step, to learn to let go of emotions, it is useful to involve yourself in interesting or meaningful activities. Only by saturating each day with new events will it be possible to displace impressions associated with the past. And it is not necessary to strive for something extraordinary; it is enough to decide to live a full life.

Advice from psychologists on how to behave in order to let go of the situation:

1. 1. Distract: While the memory of an event evokes emotions, it is impossible to arrive at anything rational. It’s worth allowing yourself to cool down and temporarily devote yourself to other tasks.
2. 2. Once you have achieved emotional calm, you can return to considering the exciting situation again. It is useful to abstract from what happened, to consider all the details of the event from the perspective of an observer.
3. 3. Analyze the root cause of the situation, understand why it provoked such strong emotions. It happens that people are exposed to emotions, forgetting what caused them.
4. 4. Realize the essence of the problem, and not the feelings and actions accompanying it.
5. 5. Put yourself in the shoes of the people involved in the situation, which will help you see their motives and treat them differently.
6. 6. Forgive the offenders, at least for the sake of your peace of mind, in order to be happy. Mentally you need to tell the person about your regret about what happened. In the future, this will forever relieve negative emotions.
7. 7. Recognize the right of other people to be themselves, to think and decide in their own way.
8. 8. Understand that, having forgiven the offender, it is not necessary to continue communicating with him. He himself must accept the consequences of his actions.

There is a writing method in which a person transfers all the thoughts that concern him, without choosing phrases, onto paper. There is no need to send such a letter. When it is ready, it can be burned or hidden. This helps, without causing harm to the offender, to understand oneself and the situation.

A break up

It is difficult to accept separation if feelings remain. An effective way to restore peace of mind- realize that a person is free in relationships and he himself decides what to do. And if the breakup did not happen on the initiative of the partner, it is still more rational to forgive the former lover.

It is impossible to predict the development of relationships. If one of the partners has realized his inadequacy in a couple, trying to keep him will not lead to anything positive.

It is also useful to see your chosen one from a different angle. It is the idealization of a person that does not allow us to agree with his departure. It is necessary to analyze his promises and actions, separating facts from illusion.

It is recommended to exclude thoughts about pleasant moments spent with the person. Similar emotions could exist in other relationships. Understanding this fact explains that the beloved is not the only one with whom you can be happy.

It is recommended to end relationships that bring more pain than joy. When parting with a man, a woman should realize that they are keeping her close to him, perhaps no longer positive emotions, but unpreparedness for change. In fact, there are all the prerequisites for happiness with another person in the future, you just need to be sure of it and act.

Relationships with your beloved man will fail if you attach too much importance to them. This is the law. If a crack has already appeared in feelings and relationships, then in order to preserve them it is worth reducing the importance of what you want, that is, letting go of the situation and not thinking about the bad. “Popular about health” will tell you how to do this in practice.

Why you shouldn't think about bad things?

Just recently you were happy, love completely absorbed your entire being, but now everything has changed - a chill, understatement, discontent, and resentment have appeared in the relationship. The situation is heating up every day, a break is close. If you feel this way, then it's time to stop thinking about the bad.

Negative thoughts certainly materialize, that is, they turn into events that happen to us. Thinking about breaking up brings it closer. Experiences, according to the theory of reality transurfing, are pendulums that bring chaos into our lives and prevent us from being happy. We fuel their hesitation with our emotions. The more we think about the bad, worry, suffer, the more the destructive pendulum swings. If your goal is to maintain a relationship with a man, stop thinking about the bad and feeding the pendulum.

How to stop worrying and worrying if bad thoughts constantly creep into your head? Use a simple but effective method - talk to your chosen one. It may be possible to find out who is dissatisfied with what or dispel doubts. If this option is not possible, write your experiences on a piece of paper, putting your energy there, and then burn it. After this, it will certainly become easier, because bad thoughts will be destroyed before your eyes.

How to reduce importance in a relationship with a man?

Vadim Zeland recommends reducing the importance of our desires so that they come true faster. This rule applies in any area of ​​life. Surely you have noticed that what we strongly desire, we impatiently wait for, are in no hurry to be fulfilled, various obstacles arise, etc. If we attach too much importance to something, then most of the energy is wasted on experiences, and therefore on swinging the destructive pendulum. It will never be possible to achieve the fulfillment of a desire if the importance is too high. It’s the same in a relationship with a man – impatience, irrepressible passion, too desire being close to him, possessing him will certainly lead to a deterioration in the relationship.

* You will die?
* Will you get an incurable disease?
*Will you feel calm?
* What will you do without this man?

Usually after such tricky questions given to oneself, it becomes obvious that it is not so important special person, because life without him will continue, nothing will happen. As soon as you manage to realize that the main thing in your life is you, and not him, the importance in the relationship will decrease a little. This will allow you to direct your energy in the right direction - to maintaining valuable relationships, and not swinging harmful pendulums.

The same advice applies to women who are trying to find the man of their dreams. Passionate desire and constant thoughts about where to find it will not lead to the desired result, they will only get in the way. Thoughts about bad things - about loneliness, for example, also do not bode well. They will certainly materialize. How to be? Focus on yourself, setting the goal of getting married successfully. By engaging in self-improvement and your appearance, you will not only distract yourself from negative thoughts, but also let go of desire and reduce its importance. Then it will certainly come true.

How to let go of a situation in a relationship with a man?

What to do if the relationship is not going well, and the man is about to leave? Let go of the situation. Let's give an example. Imagine that you grabbed a man by the throat, not allowing him to even move. Is this approach really going to help keep him?

On the contrary, this situation will lead to the victim starting to defend himself, break free and fight back. The same thing happens in relationships. Persuasion, persecution, restriction of freedom will have the opposite effect.

If you want to improve your relationship, you should show love, but not put pressure on your loved one or limit his freedom of action. Let go of the situation, in other words, trust the Universe, give the solution to the issue to it, being confident that everything will work out in the best possible way. in the best possible way. Having learned to let go of problems in relationships, you will become free from worries, resentments, disappointments, and everything in your life will work out in such a way that you will be happy.

What conclusions can be drawn from our discussion?:

* You cannot attach too much importance to relationships and your loved one.
* It is unacceptable to focus on the bad - on separation, fear of loneliness, misunderstanding, resentment.
* You need to learn to let go of the situation in a relationship with a man, trusting the Universe.

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where a “wise” acquaintance, in response to your emotional speech, told you: “let go of the situation and everything will work out... you shouldn’t keep everything under control...”? Probably many have heard this phrase at least once, but few people understand what this almighty “let go of the situation” means and what it looks like in practice.

Freedom or a sign of weakness?...

To understand how to let go of a situation, you must first understand why it is needed and why you should not try to keep it under control.

“There is always the option to fight or give everything into the hands of fate. But does this mean that by letting go of the situation we give up and give up what we want?

- Not at all!

We simply move “from the stage to the auditorium,” where we will be able to experience the situation more comfortably and painlessly.

It is by moving away from details (emotions) that we gain the opportunity to consider the whole picture, to notice the right opportunity that has arisen - the necessary turn of fate that will lead to happiness.

We are not talking about the momentary joy of achieving a small goal, when with the mind and titanic efforts we managed to drive everything into the usual or desired framework, but about the state of “full long-term happiness.”

Observation is not meaningless, it implies our participation and actions, but not “chaotic exhaustion,” but correct ones from the point of view of the Universe.

Why let the situation go?

Being inside the situation, we are immersed in the desire to change something, rearrange it, fake it, challenge it, criticize it, or reject it outright as unacceptable. This happens due to the fact that we initially set a certain format for what we want, try to keep it under control, and all the “puzzles of circumstances” that are not included in this framework cause irritation. But these “unaccommodating” disgusting circumstances are nothing more than the idea of ​​the Universe.

We all want True Love and True Happiness, but we refuse the path along which the inherently Perfect Universe leads us.

It turns out that dissatisfaction with circumstances is a non-acceptance of the Universal laws and dissatisfaction with the Higher Powers (everyone is free to mean by this the Universe, God, the Absolute, etc. according to their beliefs). Anyone who is initially considered uninteresting, stupid and useless will treat you in much the same way, so why Higher power should ultimately lead to Happiness if there is no trust?

By letting go of the situation, not to be confused with inertia and lack of initiative, a person gets the opportunity to walk through the door (or at least out the window, like the most persistent and stubborn ones), and not bang his head against the wall. Of course, the inner voice will demand that you keep the situation under control and not let go, but it’s worth taking the risk and it turns out that not only has the world not collapsed, but that changes for the better may have occurred.

What is the limit of worries and worries?

Of course you can immerse yourself in emotions. We do not experience them in vain. And each of our experiences - a litmus test in the chemistry of life - draws attention to weaknesses, giving us the opportunity to work on ourselves. But protracted negative emotions capable of knocking people out of balance so much that depression sets in.

The time to let go came when:

Thoughts revolve around a certain moment, causing negative emotions

There is no more strength, but there is an obsessive need to do something

The general condition is restless and interferes with living and enjoying life

This means your inner “Susan” mind has led you into a “swampy forest” and is not going to help you get out. It is precisely such cases that require you to immediately let go of the situation and stop keeping everything under your control.

How to let go

1. Switch to letting go of the situation.

One of the most difficult stages is letting go of a situation when it has grown on you. You definitely need to find something to do that will keep the “Susanina” occupied with something else, so as not to go even further into the forest. This could be anything from going to the shops and cinemas, to cleaning the house and washing windows. A distracting maneuver must be distracting, so “thinking” is strictly prohibited during it.

If you still can’t let go of the situation, then you can start mentally reciting every action you take in your life. this moment. Concentrate on what is happening around you: mentally describe the details, count everything that can be counted (you can count your breath), touch and analyze your sensations, etc.

2. Determine how this disappointment relates to your “global” ultimate goal.

If you completed the first step relatively successfully, then some freshness of brain activity is guaranteed. Now let’s take a look from the outside at the situation that you want to keep under control.

Events happen in the lives of all people, some of which are remembered for years and are unpleasantly disturbing. Why is it easy to remember the bad, but the good can be forgotten? Here everything is attributed to the properties of memory, which holds the situation that a person wants to let go of.

The desire to let go of a situation arises only when what a person remembers is unpleasant, painful, or offensive to him. The online magazine site understands how difficult it becomes for a person who, willy-nilly, remembers an unpleasant past. Since this can affect his mood, well-being, and even performance, which decreases, you should understand ways to let go of an unpleasant event.

How to let go of the situation?

To let go of a situation, you need to understand the reason why it is stuck in your head. Memory does not simply recall certain memories. Notice that the event that you want to let go of causes you to... Negative bright emotions make you remember what happened. If these emotions did not exist, then the situation would be forgotten by itself.

You should understand the reasons why you have emotions regarding the situation that you want to forget:

1. Why are you offended?
2. What makes you angry?
3. What do you disagree with?
4. What makes you irritated?

There is some element in the situation that causes strong emotional feelings in a person. This element is important and dominant in the entire event. It is impossible to forget what matters to a person. Thus, it is necessary to identify this element and deprive it of its significance for itself:

1. What offended should not offend now.
2. What caused anger should now be indifferent to you.
3. What you disagreed with shouldn't matter now.
4. What annoyed you no longer concerns you.

In other words, devalue the things that made you feel bad and intense. Then the situation itself will become the past, to which you will no longer pay attention.

Psychologists call other ways to let go of the situation:

• Goal setting. While you lie on your bed and grieve, nothing changes in your life. Yours real life gradually becomes the future when you remember the past. If you don’t occupy yourself with anything, don’t captivate, don’t interest yourself, then you fill your time with unpleasant memories.
• Gaining new emotions and impressions. When people talk about taking a break, people get it wrong. Forcing yourself to be distracted will not work (you’ve probably tried this yourself and now you know). You can only encourage your brain to distract itself by saturating it with new events. Be active, meet new people, engage yourself in something, achieve new things, travel, visit new places, etc. All this will saturate your brain with new events that will evoke new emotions in you. They will cover up those experiences that you wanted to get rid of. You don’t have to let go of anything, everything will pass by itself and remain in the past.

Only a person decides what to spend his time on. If you do nothing, then nothing will happen. The person will still suffer as he did before. Therefore, without effort, nothing can be achieved.

How to let go of a situation - psychology

Sometimes it is impossible to let go of a situation because it needs to be resolved. For example, you quarreled with your loved one or you were fired from your job. You can't help but think about what happened. Here you should simply solve the problem. However, difficulties are encountered at every step.

While the problem was developing, people were arguing or the person was leaving his previous place of work, he managed to quarrel with everyone, say a lot of unpleasant words and hear a lot of unpleasant phrases addressed to him. Words and actions committed on emotions that arose due to the problem that arose became significant. And the problem itself faded into the background.

A person can no longer let go of the situation, because he remembers how he was insulted, offended, and disrespected. And the very problem with which it all began remains somewhere in the background. Psychologists advise giving yourself a couple of days to calm down your emotions, and then move on to solving the problem, rather than remembering what happened after it arose.

Of course, what happened as a result of the problem that arose is unpleasant. However, if you do not solve the problem itself, it will be difficult to let go of the situation. The more you think about what happened, the more angry, aggressive, and indignant you will be. After all, you will remember what people said to you and what you did to them in response. You will not think about the problem while your emotions are raging within you. That is why you first need to calm down, relax, and then think not about the situation of the conflict, but about the problem on the basis of which the conflict developed.

Here we suggest looking at the problem from the outside. It happened not to you, but to another person. If this were the case, what advice would you give to another person experiencing this problem? Start by solving the problem and then move on to the next one:

1. Forgive yourself and your opponent for those words and actions that were committed under the influence of emotions. Everyone wanted to defend their rightness and defend themselves when all their efforts were not aimed at solving the problem.
2. Understand the behavior and words of another person by putting yourself in his place. If you were in the shoes of your “enemy,” how would you behave? More often than not, people behave the same way. Thus, your opponent acted in the same way as you would have behaved in his place.
3. Devalue your principles. If you want to make peace with someone, ask for forgiveness, or resolve the situation in other ways, you will have to give up your pride, beliefs and principles that “other people owe you something.” It is you who needs to solve the problem, not other people. This means that you need to give in, look for compromises, act, etc.

How to let go of a person and a situation from your thoughts and heart?

Quite often, people cannot forget their loved ones who left them, betrayed them or abandoned them. It is not only the departure of another person that is upsetting, but also the way it was done. Breakdowns in relationships often occur due to betrayal, the appearance of third parties, the influence of relatives, fading feelings, deception, betrayal, etc. In other words, it becomes difficult to let go of a person and a situation from the heart and thoughts if all this causes strong feelings and emotions.

What does it mean to let another person go? It means accepting the fact of his absence in your life, stop thinking about him, include him in your plans, remember him, take his opinion into account, even be interested in what he might think in a given situation. For example, you previously purchased food with another person, consulting on what to buy. Now you need to realize that this person is not there, you are buying groceries alone. Now your opinion becomes the main thing when deciding what to buy. And it doesn’t matter what another person would say about this.

It's quite difficult for women to let people go. If a man leaves the relationship, the woman may worry about this for a long time. It won't be here effective advice“Forget and don’t think about it.” Usually a woman needs long time make efforts to forget the man you love. How to do it?

1. Look at the man with a sober look. Take off your rose-colored glasses and realize that you were dating a person who has flaws. He's not as perfect as he seems. He may have even more faults than your neighbor or good friend. Look soberly and realistically at the man you dated. Look at him with a cold gaze, as if you never loved him.
2. Evaluate the relationship you were in with this man. Surely they were not ideal, otherwise they would not have broken up. They just seemed strong to you if you are wondering why the man left. If you really analyze the kind of relationship you built with a man, you will understand that they could not exist forever.
3. Remove all things that remind you of the past. If you look at something that brings up unpleasant memories, it should be removed.
4. Stop blaming, blaming or being offended by someone. If you are offended by a man, then hold on to him. Stop feeling anything at all for your former gentleman, forgive him for everything, let him live the way he wants.
5. Meet new people. Get yourself involved new job. Find a new hobby. All this will help you saturate yourself with new emotions and impressions.
6. Respect yourself. If they don’t want to be with you, then it’s another person’s problem. Don't run after anyone or persuade anyone. If people want to be with you, then let them come and offer you something.
7. Build a future without your ex-man. Dream, plan, fantasize so that your future is happy and your ex-boyfriend is not in it. Moreover, believe that your future will be like this. You will be happy without your ex, so start making efforts.

Sometimes the memory starts to bring back good memories. How good were you with ex-man on such and such a day and under such circumstances. You joyfully remember the good things, and then return to the present, where this man is no longer there. Don't make the mistake of starting to think that this man was the only one who could make you happy. You have had pleasant moments with all men, not just this one. This shows that they all tried. And when they stopped trying, the relationship deteriorated.

Thank your exes for the nice things they did for you, and believe that your future will be filled with equally good events, but with other men.

Women are also encouraged to transform their appearance. Get in shape, create a new image, change your wardrobe. When you see in the mirror beautiful woman, then you will stop thinking about an ungrateful man, because you will understand that you deserve better.

How to let go of a situation in a relationship?

Whether you broke up or something unpleasant just happened between you, the situation in a relationship can worry you for a long time and cause unpleasant emotions. You won't be able to let go while you're worried. Therefore, we offer the following ways to let go of the situation in the past:

1. Accept what happened. You cannot change the past, no matter how much it hurts you. Come to terms with what happened and focus your energy on further development events.
2. Resolve the situation. Here you need to understand the reasons why the trouble occurred, and then either eliminate them or never repeat the mistakes again.
3. Allow yourself to be happy. Whatever happened to you is now in the past. Fill your present with happiness. Allow yourself this and make an effort for it.
4. Don't cling to the person. If he wants to leave, let him go. If he does something, allow him to make mistakes. Just don't take responsibility for what other people do. You are only responsible for what you do yourself.
5. Let the situation go. Sometimes not everything is within your control. If you cannot solve the situation, then let it develop as it sees fit.

Letting go of a situation can be a difficult period, since people focus their attention on the feelings, actions and words of others, to which they cling and continue to be offended. As a result, this forces you to waste time on something that has long passed. Here you just need to speak out and realize that the situation is in the past. If you can’t talk it out to your friends or family, then you can consult a psychologist.