What to do if the trust of your loved one has disappeared? How to live further? Should you continue a relationship with someone you don't trust? What should one do if it was through whose fault the loss of trust occurred? MirSovetov will try to help you understand this difficult situation.
Human feelings are something elusive, intangible; they cannot be measured, gifted, or sold. When there is trust and understanding in relationships between people, their feelings are emotionally positive attitude, such a state is the basis of the ability to create, enjoy life, create, enjoy every minute of being. But if trust disappears, then it’s as if some kind of worm settles in the soul and begins to eat away at a person from the inside, affecting his relationship with the outside world. Even if trust is broken between just two people, it affects all aspects of a person's life.

The root of the word “trust” is faith, faith in the correctness of another person’s actions, in the fact that by his actions he will not harm either you or your relationship. Trust is a fragile substance, it requires careful handling, it is very easy to lose and very difficult to return.

What to do?

How should a guilty person behave?

“The weak do not forgive, forgiveness is destiny strong people" This catchphrase forced many to leave the path of categoricalness and resentment. Forgiveness, life without offense and revenge - this is how the sages describe one of the main conditions for a long, healthy life.

A nice woman worked for us and just... good man. And then her husband cheated on her, she could not forgive him, and, despite the fact that they had common child, They've divorced. She was very worried, raised her daughter alone and avoided men on the tenth route. And then, a couple of years later, when the grievances were forgotten, we found out that our heroine was getting married and you know who? For your own husband! Yes, they got married again, gave birth to another daughter and are now raising a grandson. And in a fit of frankness, she once admitted to us that she was afraid to even think about how she would live without her soul mate. And he perceives that deception as a severe test of mutual feelings.

Unfortunately, there are times in girls’ lives when they make mistakes and lose the trust of the men they love. Then, of course, there comes a moment of repentance and a desire to restore the relationship. But is this possible? The answer is most often positive, you just need to be patient and act sincerely, demonstrating to your loved one the remaining feelings and the desire to renew the relationship.

Is it necessary to restore the relationship?

First of all, you need to think about whether it is worth regaining the trust of the man himself. Very often, the reason for actions to restore trust is a feeling of guilt. The girl did something wrong, destroyed the relationship and now must do everything to restore it. But is it worth it?

First, you need to understand yourself. After all, there were reasons for lies, betrayal or attempted separation. Where did they come from? Most likely, not everything is satisfactory in the relationship, or it is not harmonious enough, since you had to lie to your loved one or even enter into a relationship with another man. Therefore, before you begin actions to regain lost trust, you should weigh all the positive and negative sides relationship, to understand whether there are real feelings for the guy, and then, quite possibly, it will turn out that there is no point in restoring trust, it is easier and more correct to leave everything as it is.

In addition, you should also think about whether the guy loves the girl. Of course, you shouldn’t ask such a question after cheating. This situation is very painful for a man, and he will definitely need a break or time to decide how to live further. But if an innocent lie was revealed, after which the man made a scene, then this is already a serious signal and you should think hard before restoring a relationship with a guy in such a situation.

For whatever reason, trust is broken, psychologists and relationship experts advise following a number of recommendations on how to regain a guy’s trust:

• You should not use manipulation techniques. The desire to get a guy back after a breakup must be absolutely sincere. Manipulations will sooner or later be revealed and lead to even more dire consequences. For example, some girls, in an emotional outburst, may threaten a guy that if he does not return, they will somehow harm themselves. A guy in such a situation will most likely return, but how he will feel in such a relationship in the future is a big question. There is a high probability that he will look for any excuse to break them off because he was forced to return.
• If in the process of restoring the relationship the girl made some promises, it is very important to do everything to fulfill them. Repeated lies will be perceived as permanent, and it will be more and more difficult to restore trust each time.
• There is no need to remind conflict situation, including, emphasizing that the girl has corrected herself and now does not do this anymore. Unpleasant memories can lead to the opposite effect - a renewed feeling of mistrust, since the guy may suspect something is wrong if the girl specifically emphasizes the correctness of her behavior.
• But the most important recommendation is to do everything with sincere feelings, with love and care for the person. Then, after some time, the guy will definitely appreciate it and the relationship will be restored.

What to do if you had to lie to your boyfriend?

Lying is the biggest reason why couples break up. It’s better, of course, not to lead to such a situation, but if it does happen, then there are several rules that will help answer the question of how to regain a man’s favor in such a situation.

• First, you shouldn’t start taking active steps right away. A guy, after a lie has been revealed, needs time to calm down and understand the reasons why the girl could have done this. Therefore, for the first few days or even weeks after the lie, you should not call or send an SMS to the guy with an apology. This girl will only make the situation worse. It's better to give time for emotions to calm down, psychological condition has returned to normal, and then you can make attempts to calmly talk and renew the relationship.
• The second tip on how to regain trust in a relationship is to try to put yourself in the guy’s shoes. This is necessary in order to understand what words and actions would help restore trust. The rule is quite banal, but this does not make it any less useful. Looking at the situation through your partner's eyes is always helpful.
• Third, you need to trust the guy yourself. If a girl learns to demonstrate trust, love and care, the guy will respond in kind. But for this you need to be patient. After losing trust, guys tend to shut down, and it takes some time before they are ready to reconnect again.

Is it possible to restore trust after betrayal?

Renewing a relationship after cheating is very difficult. The fact is that a girl’s betrayal for a man means that she has found someone better than him, therefore, the man’s self-esteem drops sharply. Therefore, if the fact of betrayal is revealed, it will be very difficult to restore trust after it, but, nevertheless, possible. To do this, you should follow a few fairly simple recommendations:

• You should not try to talk at the moment when the man found out about the betrayal. In such a situation, he is in a state of passion and can do stupid things that he himself will regret, and it will be unpleasant for the girl to remember.
• You should give the man time to accept the situation and cope with his emotions. After the emotions subside, the man can talk calmly, you can discuss the current situation with him. It may well turn out that he understood everything wrong, and there was no betrayal, there was only innocent flirting. If there was betrayal, then you can explain the reasons and ask for forgiveness.
• It is very important for a girl to forgive herself. To forgive in this situation means to understand why the betrayal occurred and what to do so that this does not happen again. Forgiving yourself will allow you to construct a conversation with a man or guy differently - he will feel the sincerity of remorse for the situation and, most likely, will believe that the girl will not commit such an act again.

If you managed to get another chance in a relationship, you should treat it with care, since a third one is unlikely to be given. It is necessary to appreciate a man, take care of him and show love.

Restoring relationships after a breakup

If it was not possible to restore trust and you had to break up, the first thing you need to remember is that life does not end there. Breakups happen, but they are followed by new meetings, so you shouldn’t fall into severe depression. To begin with, you can chat with your friends and do what you love. If you don't have a hobby, it's time to find one. Handicrafts help many people cope with the stress of separation.

The second advice that psychologists give is to pamper yourself. You can have delicious food, you can buy things, you can go somewhere to relax, change your surroundings. In general, try to change your usual lifestyle, which was before parting with your loved one.

At the same time, you should not get carried away with sweets during depression (they harm not only your appearance, but also your overall health, since during times of stress a person’s hormonal levels change). You should also not abuse alcohol or start smoking. Any separation is not worth ruining your health.

As a rule, after some time, life and mood return to normal. Moreover, a person in good mood attracts attention to himself, therefore, having stopped grieving, he may meet a new loved one, or maybe a guy who understands that he loves and is ready to forgive will return and everything in life will fall into place.

So, if problems arise in a relationship and trust is lost, it is necessary, firstly, to consider whether it is worth continuing this relationship. If so, then you should be patient and sincerely demonstrate your feelings to your loved one. At the same time, under no circumstances should one be humiliated. When feelings are strong and real, they will overcome any obstacles.

Restoring trust in a family where betrayal has occurred is a complex and often long process. In order to bring yourself closer to the desired result, you need to make a decision about your behavior not with your friends, drinking wine out of bitterness, and not after another squabble with your husband. The best thing in this situation is a clear head, the most neutral emotions and advice from a specialist.

Advice on how to restore trust in your family psychologist and body-oriented wellness therapist Elena Shubina.

What should you think about after cheating?

Before you take action and start living " ordinary life“, or rather, to restore normal life, Elena Shubina suggests answering 3 questions honestly, no matter how painful and difficult it may be:

1. Will I be able to forgive and live with this person as before, without claims, accusations, reminders and fear that everything will happen again?
2. Will he be able to come back and love me as before, and maybe even stronger, will he be able to do everything so that I trust him again and can trust myself?
3. Do the two of us have the strength and desire to get through these trials and make our family stronger than we found it?

The expert warns: “If the answer to these questions is: “no, I’m not sure, partially,” then know that it may well happen that you will not be able to save your family, and then it is better not to waste time, but to try your luck with someone else " In this case, the question of returning trust no longer exists.

What should a woman do to restore trust?

Regaining trust is complex internal work, and it is difficult to do alone if the situation directly depends on another person, in this case, your husband. Even if you - strong in spirit woman and make a categorical decision “To have a family!”, then it is unlikely that at one moment your mood will change dramatically without the special efforts of your husband.

Therefore, the most important rule is the very first thing you can do to regain trust in a man:

1. Don't force yourself!

When you forgive, you promise yourself to never remember again. about treason , do not reproach your husband, etc. But until trust is restored, do not force him to behave as before. Don't force yourself to forgive and start trusting at the same time. It won’t work out anyway, you’ve been through too much emotional stress.

Also, don't rush yourself, give yourself as much time as you need. A process like forgiveness is very difficult to fit into a time frame. The options “in a month,” “before lunch,” or “by next Monday” still won’t work. The opposite behavior can lead not only to the deterioration of your mental state, but also to diseases.

The psychologist warns: “If you convince yourself that you have already forgotten and forgiven everything, and can already trust, when all your communication still says otherwise, you will drive yourself into neurosis (this is in best case scenario), or you might even “get” a disease. Tell yourself: “I will do everything so that the ability to trust comes to me in a timely manner. I'll give myself and him time. It won't be a big deal if I keep an eye on him for now. It’s better than rushing and feeling cheated again.”

2. Set a deadline for checking and agree on this with your husband

Without forcing yourself to “forgive before the New Year”, you can completely establish certain period, during which you will look closely at your husband. During this period, a number of agreements may be in effect at your home that will help you understand, forgive, or definitely decide that you cannot do this.

“Agree that you will check on him for a while. I know men who allowed their wives to look into their cell phones and gave them passwords to their Email, only so that they can forgive and forget as quickly as possible. “All this means nothing, if he wants to hide something, he will hide it anyway,” - of course, you say... This is both true and not true.

Most people are still not so cynical as to purposefully create other accounts, codes, addresses and passwords for these purposes (this is partly why they get caught cheating). And the right to check, given voluntarily and with good intentions, is truly more than healing for relationships. And by the way, usually after it you don’t want to check on anyone at all,” the psychologist suggests.

Also, ask your husband to be more attentive to you, ask him to give you more information and explain his behavior if something new happens. For example, if earlier you knew for sure that on Wednesdays he was late because he was playing bowling with friends, now this bowling can develop in your eyes into much more colorful pictures. Ask him to call and warn you, the “default” or “you already know” option no longer works.

Important! Remember that being able to check and checking are two different things. Don’t turn into a paranoid detective, in such conditions your husband, even if he really decided to change, won’t last long, and your nerves will give out from constant tension. Manage to get out of the state of checking in time, because after you forgive, your husband’s personal space should return.

3. Develop a culture of conversation in the family

Suspicions and omissions do not make a family happy. Probably everyone knows the “snowball” effect, when small understatements and unspoken grievances accumulate and, over time, bury all the good things that exist in your family. Now you not only shouldn’t allow yourself to behave like this, you shouldn’t!

Now that trust in your couple seriously shaken, you cannot allow yourself to quietly doubt, so prepare your husband for the fact that during this difficult period you will ask many more questions than before.

This is what the psychologist advises: “Tell your husband about your feelings and suspicions right away. The fact is that sometimes we ourselves do not realize to what extent we do not understand our partners. For example, you walked up to him and stood behind him, and he immediately slammed his diary shut. Say right away that this caused you a storm of feelings and suspicions. Almost certainly he will open the page for you, and you will see that there is nothing on it, and he has the habit of closing documents from his army past, you just didn’t pay attention to it before...”

4. Fix what led to the cheating

As we know, there is no smoke without fire. And in any betrayal there is the fault of the other partner. Think about what the man was missing? And even if his demands are unreasonable, as you think, try to give it to him. After all, if this lack led to betrayal, then it was very important for him. And this applies to all betrayals, even those that seem to happen by accident.

Show him again the woman he fell in love with, the one he didn’t want to cheat on. Try to start with yourself and you will see the changes.

5. Develop willpower

Few people believe that willpower can be an assistant in this matter. After all, you can’t force yourself to trust on command and, gritting your teeth, say to yourself: “From now on, I trust him again.” But you can and should really want to bring peace back into the family.

Psychologists say that you can program yourself to take a certain step, and this indoor installation will help you move on. By itself, of course, it will not change anything, but it will be the basis for your daily behavior, which, in fact, shapes the reality in your family.

3 rules for men

In fact, this section should be central to this article, because it is the man's behavior that will determine whether you can regain trust in him and how quickly you can do it.

But is there a chance that a man will see everything written below? Of course, you can show him or tell him. Or you can just know it yourself, because this is also important. The main problem after betrayal is that no one knows exactly how to behave, there is no model of behavior, how it should be, what is natural, what is not, what can be demanded, what is necessary and what is not.

“Everyone does it” is, of course, a dubious kind of argument, but when there is nothing else, it is difficult to find other support. We offer you the opinion of a psychologist on how a man should behave and what to be prepared for in order to restore the family after his betrayal.

Because there is no knowledge, we can do things that will only ruin everything. Below we provide a list of myths and main mistakes that a woman can make when trying to suppress her resentment and force herself to trust her husband. And also parting words for a man - a model of behavior that should be adopted in order to restore trust in the family.

1. “We are adults”

Any problem, especially something as serious as betrayal, and the restoration of trust in the family after it, makes us psychologically older and forces us to look for more mature and wise solutions. Therefore, a woman who has made the decision to forgive and restore trust in the couple again tries to behave very wisely, calmly, and tries to be silent and endure , and alone he cries into his pillow.

How to behave as a man

A woman who has lost trust is like an offended child. She is capricious, suspicious, touchy, withdrawn and vulnerable. And anything can seem to her. And this is normal and natural! By cheating, you hurt her pride, and now she is trying with all her might to get it back. So if you really want this woman, be very patient...

How to regain trust in a man if he cheated

First of all, give her the right to know everything she wants about you and your life, including passwords and accounts. You may think that this is too revealing and will cause you some discomfort. It wasn’t like this before, of course, but YOU lost the woman’s trust, this is your fault and therefore you need to make concessions.

2. “Not a word about treason”

There is an opinion that to forgive means to forget. This means that you can’t not only talk about treason, but also think about it. But this only applies to the period when thoughts and emotions are already amenable to at least some control.

Without knowing this, some women torment themselves with thoughts about who this woman was, how it all happened and why. They torture themselves, thereby driving them into neurosis, but still do not allow themselves to talk about it.

How to behave as a man

Very often, a woman who has been cheated on is interested in details, sometimes very intimate, about how and why, with whom, and in what setting it happened. This is completely irrational and will probably make you surprised and even angry. And often a woman keeps silent about her desire.

But despite everything, it is very natural. The woman really needs this information and you would be wise to give it to her. The fact is that thanks to this information, a woman determines her self-esteem and experiences everything that happened to the end.

It will never even occur to you through what millstones she grinds this information, what “strange” conclusions she can draw, and all in order to, in the end, let go. For example, having learned that a girl is young, you can convince yourself that due to her youth she is naive and stupid, while you might assume that your wife will worry about her no longer very young years. ..

In other words, it defies logic, but you will do a good deed if you answer her questions.

3. “Nothing will be the same as before”

Cheating changes everything forever. Trying to regain lost trust, spouses often cross out, along with the bad, all the good that happened. And when building a so-called “new relationship,” many for some reason believe that romantic events during this period will be awkward and unnatural, something like a feast during the plague. Therefore, everyone lives an ordinary life, trying to restore peace, forgetting that trust alone will not increase happiness.

How to behave as a man

It is very important for every woman who has been cheated on that some kind of ritual occurs that would show her that the old has passed and a new stage of her life has begun. But for some reason men are afraid to do this, because “it’s somehow not the right time.”

For additional comment we contacted Olga Volodarskaya, author of highly social detective stories. Here is her opinion: “It is impossible to regain trust in a man if he has cheated. And it's not worth it. You can forgive betrayal, you can come to terms with it, you can find an excuse for it, you can even pretend that it didn’t happen at all, but... you won’t be able to trust a man who exchanged you for another, no matter how hard you try.

He's late at work, and you think he's with her. Or on the other. After all, he cheated on you once, which means maybe a second, a third. And, in principle, in ten cases out of a hundred this will be the case. I have a friend who constantly forgives her husband for cheating. During several years. And it would be fine if she just turned a blind eye to them. But no, he sincerely believes that this was the last time. Needless to say, everything repeats itself again and again.

And when she finds out about husband's infidelity (and why are some men so careless?), then she cries from humiliation and resentment. After all, he was so sincere in his repentance, and she believed him. Everyone tells her: “Leave him.” And she hopes that he will change.

I don't give her advice. Let her decide for herself. But, it seems to me, you need to either live with the idea that betrayal is not a betrayal at all, but a mere trifle, or get a divorce.”

What is your opinion?

Lyubov SHCHEGOLKOVA

Start by assessing the relationship. Of course, it's very sad to see the end of any relationship - be it a friend or a loved one - but sometimes cheating is a wake-up call and a sign that there are many more fish in the sea. By looking at the relationship as a whole, you can decide whether you want to restore trust in the person or whether you need to move on.

• What kind of relationship did you have before this incident? Did you have fun and did you laugh often? Maybe you feel like it was constant hard work and you did most, if not all, of it.
• Did you feel listened to? Was your word as important as that person's word? Was your communication free and open or closed and constrained?
• Do you feel like you could count on this person?
• Was this relationship balanced? Or was everything one-sided and not in your favor?
• Perhaps this betrayal was part of the person's character, or have you seen this coming before? Have you heard stories about this person involving breaking trust with friends or loved ones?