Hatred does not appear spontaneously. It starts with anger. And if anger and anger are feelings inherent in nature, then embitterment and hatred are the creation of man. To better understand the difference between these feelings, it is necessary to consider each of them separately.

1. Anger and anger- feelings that arise, as a rule, on the basis of injustice. Such emotions are quite acceptable, since they force the subject to take certain measures related to improving the quality of life. They differ from each other only in the intensity with which they are experienced by the subject.
2. Bitterness and hatred– a long-lasting and unsatisfied feeling of anger and disgust. It can manifest itself both in relation to certain living beings and to the world as a whole. As in the previous case, they differ from each other in the intensity with which they are experienced by the subject.

How does hatred affect a person?

Any emotions, depending on their quality, affect the human body.

The highest qualities are possessed by bright feelings, such as love, kindness and gratitude. Feelings with the lowest qualities are bitterness and hatred. It is low-quality emotions that can cause harm to a person, including:

1. Long-term depression.
2. Detachment from normal life in society.
3. The development of diseases in different organs of the body.
4. Mental disorders due to dissatisfaction with oneself.
5. Cutting ties with family and friends.
6. Failures at work and in personal life.
7. Loss of desire and opportunities for self-realization.

Anger at the world and people

Such hatred manifests itself in people who have created an insurmountable gap between the desired vision of the world and society, and the world that it is in reality. This negative emotion also manifests itself in relation to a certain segment of society, united general characteristics. Typically, the following people experience hatred:

1. Envious.
2. Unrealized as individuals.
3. Unrealized as specialists in a certain field.
4. With a lack of love in childhood and adulthood.
5. Limited by something or deprived of something.

Hatred towards a specific person

You can hate a specific person for understandable reasons.

For example, one might consider aversion to ex-husband. Let's say a woman hates her ex because of his addiction to alcohol, uncultured speech, or disrespect for her. Perhaps he beat her or otherwise suppressed her potential. In this case, her negative attitude towards this person is quite understandable. But in reality, this woman hates not only the actions of her batterer. She hates the dream he destroyed of an ideal marriage and an ideal husband.

Let's also consider bitterness towards the boss. He is rude, overwhelms you with work, never thanks you, deprives you of bonuses and is generally completely unfair. And even in this case, the subordinate hates not only personal qualities boss This negative feeling concerns the same shattered dream. In this case, the personal vision of an ideal job does not coincide with reality. Directly or indirectly, a person blames his boss for this, which is why he becomes the subject of hatred.

And if anger in this case stimulates a person to search best options for life, then hatred makes everything different.

Hatred is completely consuming. It leads to fixation on the subject towards whom negative feelings are experienced. And such a condition is fraught with serious consequences.

Self-hatred

Considered the most dangerous. It can be hidden, or it can be obvious.

Hidden

Often manifests itself along with hatred towards to a specific person, for example, to the same ex. In this case, the woman hates herself for her weakness, inability to fight back, indecisiveness, etc. Subconsciously, she blames herself as much as she consciously blames her ex-husband.

Explicit

It assumes that a person is disgusted with his own appearance, physical characteristics, mental abilities, etc. Most often, self-loathing appears due to childhood complexes. And often the parents themselves are to blame for this. Even the most common remark, “You’re being disgusting,” can seriously harm a child. These words, repeated many times, make the child think that he is disgusting. After all, parents are the main authorities in a child’s life, and they are always right. Therefore, a parent must understand the importance of every non-forest word spoken to his son or daughter.

Determining the cause

Correctly identifying the cause of anger will help you deal with it faster. A method that involves having a pen and a sheet of paper is great for this.

1. First, you need to write down all the qualities and actions of the subject of hatred that cause disgust. Such a list consists of three or more items.
2. Next, you need to consider each point in detail.

Almost all the negative qualities on the list can be found in many other people, even in yourself. This does not mean that a person hates himself. This means that a woman or man is biased towards the subject of their negative feelings. After all, in reality, there are only one or two points that really generate disgust. They can be quite serious, but they can also be minor. And depending on their type, it is necessary to select one or another method of getting rid of hatred.

Search for the positive

Positivity is The best way getting rid of negative feelings. For people, this method involves a minimum of effort, since pleasant emotions can be experienced from anything, for example:

• From communicating with friends and loved ones.
• From walks in nature.
• From attending various events.
• From mutual feelings of love.
• From doing something that a person likes.

The ability to forgive

Forgiveness helps you get rid of hatred. This skill allows you to cope with many troubles in life. It eliminates internal discomfort caused by other people.

A person who knows how to forgive is in a much better position than a person who continues to react to irritants with insults.

Those who leave old grievances in the past are much less susceptible to stress and depression. They have better health, and life is full of pleasant events.

However, not everyone is capable of this generous act. After all, it is easier to hate than to forgive. But it is important to always remember that the ability to forgive is an integral part of a high-quality life.

Self love

Self-love should be instilled from childhood.

Parents are obliged to make it clear to the child that every person is beautiful in their own way and deserves love.

To overcome self-loathing and hatred, a person needs to love himself. This feeling can heal not only the soul, but also the body. There are many confirmed cases where a person, by changing his attitude towards himself, completely changed his life for the better.

FEELING OF HATE

“Self-hatred is a feeling that we are rarely aware of,” says Charles Roizman. – Firstly, it is so unpleasant and destructive that we force it out. Secondly, when we encounter difficulties, we most often think that they were caused by other people or unfavorable circumstances. It is difficult for us to admit that they are caused by our internal problems and by what creates these problems: an unworthy image of oneself.”

Why do we talk about hatred and not about lack of self-confidence or low self-esteem? “Because this is a very specific feeling that causes a distorted image of ourselves as a monster: we perceive ourselves entirely as bad, inadequate, good for nothing.”

The disgusting creature that we want to hide at all costs from others and from ourselves is in fact a wounded being: as a child, family members or others tortured us, tormented by ridicule, incessant accusations, exclusion, rejection and mistreatment, and all this makes us still be ashamed of ourselves.

Past experiences of violence make us think that we do wrong all the time, force us to give up ourselves in favor of others or to submit to those who instill fear in us. But in most cases we do not even have a clear awareness of what we have experienced. And instead of feeling sorry for ourselves, we continue to treat ourselves badly and consider ourselves pathetic.

Am I really to blame or do I feel guilty because I was regularly made to feel guilty?

In essence, self-hatred is love that has been disappointed and turned into its opposite. Trauma prevents us from becoming who we hope to be. And we don’t forgive ourselves for this.

Our flawed ideas about ourselves cannot but affect our lives. But if we find them, we will have a chance to free ourselves from them.

Charles Roizman offers three paths to healing:

“First, look at how we treat others - demandingly, critically - in order to better understand how we were treated.

Secondly, identify our negative beliefs about ourselves and try to understand where they come from.

Thirdly, and most importantly, learn to distinguish between fantasies and reality: are the reproaches that I address to myself justified? Am I really to blame or do I feel guilty because I was regularly made to feel guilty?

At some point, you need to start fighting with yourself and stop condemning yourself in advance. Recognizing the signs of self-loathing in different areas life, we will be able to more calmly accept our shortcomings, as well as our virtues.”

In our relationship

Reproduction of violence, difficulty creating intimate space. Because we are not aware of what has been done to us, we risk, without noticing it, in turn being inattentive, blaming, suppressing and humiliating partners, children, colleagues... “It is the violence that we reproduce that limits our ability to love others in the same way.” as they are, and show ourselves as we really are. That is, ultimately create intimacy.”

We're hiding behind (too) positive images yourself (sweet, ideal, devoted) or for those who are too provocative (“I am who I am, whether you like it or not,” “I value my freedom too much to get involved with someone”). These positions allow us to keep others at a distance, but also reveal deep-seated self-doubt.

In our achievements

Dreams abandoned, talents buried in the ground.“Because we don’t love ourselves enough, it’s difficult for us to achieve our goals: we don’t take our dreams seriously, we don’t dare to fulfill our desires, we simply don’t give ourselves this opportunity,” notes Charles Roizman.

We always put off until later the life we ​​would like to lead: we feel neither worthy of happiness nor capable of it.

And then we either console ourselves or engage in self-sabotage. And yet we never realize our underestimated potential. Boredom and the feeling that we are not living our own lives are sure signs of self-hatred that we do not recognize. To cope with our disappointments, we convince ourselves that no one ever does what they want in life.

In our work

Unfulfilled ambitions, impostor syndrome. Likewise, self-hatred holds back professional development. If we are convinced of our insignificance, if we do not give ourselves the right to make mistakes, then any encounter with difficulties in mastering new tasks, any criticism can become unbearable. Instead of listening to our desire to develop, we pretend that we have no ambitions, that we give this right to others. “We direct the contempt we feel towards ourselves towards those who succeed and whom we envy, although we cannot admit it to ourselves,” notes Charles Roizman.

If, despite all this, we achieve a responsible position, we are faced with impostor syndrome: “We do not feel capable of performing the functions entrusted to us, and we are terrified at the thought of being exposed,” he explains. Self-hatred prevents us from recognizing our strengths: if we succeed, it is only because others were mistaken about us.

In our body

Non-recognition of beauty, neglect of health. How we take care of ourselves is obviously related to how much we value ourselves. If we were once neglected, now we neglect ourselves: shapeless clothes, sloppy hair... If we cannot appear in public without complex makeup or an elaborate outfit, this also indicates a lack of self-confidence and a reluctance to be seen in natural state.

What is not so obvious is that “self-hatred also manifests itself in neglect of one’s health: we don’t go to the dentist or gynecologist. We think we deserve this destruction, this suffering, and we don’t dare show anyone the parts of our body that we have been made to feel ashamed of.

In our affections

The need for “crutches”, difficulties with choice.“When we were children and we failed to receive confirmation of our existence through approval, permission, recognition from our parents, this dealt a blow to our ability to be independent,” explains Charles Roizman. Having matured, we do not know how to make decisions, make choices on our own. We still need to lean on someone, and if that someone is unavailable, then something. This dependence creates the ground for obsessive needs and painful attachments. It also makes us vulnerable to sexual harassment and malicious manipulation. One way or another, it testifies to our conviction that on our own we do not deserve the right to exist.

About the expert

(Charles Rojzman) – founder of social psychotherapy; co-author of the book “How to Learn to Love Yourself in hard times" His website.