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“To leave or to stay - that is the question!” - a modern Hamlet would say. The consumer society has given rise to the problem of choice. And not only products and goods. It automatically transferred to human relationships. People no longer want to endure and suffer. They want to live here and now, tasting the fruits of joy and bringing to life pictures from Hollywood melodramas. We were prompted to take on this topic by a complex correspondence with reader Dmitry from Yekaterinburg. He asked for our advice. The result was something like remote psychotherapy. Having not made a final decision, Dmitry asks for help from readers. You can send your opinions and stories on the same topic to the authors’ e-mail [email protected] And [email protected] Hello! I’ll try to explain how I feel, and I’ll be glad if you help me figure it out. I don't love my wife. I realized this six months after the wedding. But it was somehow stupid to get a divorce right away, I thought that I would endure it and fall in love. I endured it, but didn’t fall in love. Or rather, I treat her well, and from the outside we perfect family. But only in moments of extreme honesty with myself do I realize that I am lying and have lied to both myself and her. I am a sociable person, flexible and non-conflict. And you can learn to live side by side with any person, which is what I did. You can consider me henpecked, but in order to avoid unnecessary hassle, it’s better to keep silent once again, do as my wife asks, and everyone is happy. Except me. Three years ago I met an amazing woman who admires me with everything: intelligence, honesty, decency, feminine softness, some kind of childish touchingness, gullibility. Despite all this, she is stunningly beautiful. As in the song: “Girls like these are like stars.” In general, having 13 years of experience family life, I fell in love for the first time. She didn’t suspect it for a long time, but somehow I couldn’t stand it and told her everything. Three years have passed since then. And all this time we communicate. I know for sure that it’s always easy and pleasant for me to be with her, even when we quarrel. I, an adult man, get crazy in my head when she looks at me and accidentally touches me, I know that I’m interested in her, I miss her when I don’t see her for a long time, I get mad when she just talks to other men. We both dream of intimacy. But I respect her too much to condemn her to the unenviable role of a mistress. And I'm afraid to get a divorce. I don’t want to be a traitor in the eyes of others; I can’t leave the woman with whom I acquired joint property, who is the mother of my only 3-year-old daughter. How will the parents react? What will your colleagues say? I also have a lot of connections with my wife’s relatives: I am a friend of her brother. And here the feeling of guilt too. As a result, I suppress my love inside me. I have told my beloved more than once that she needs another man who will become her good husband. She is silent. Only her deep eyes fill with tears. My heart hurts because I hurt someone I love. I am not a scoundrel or a traitor, but I am an unhappy person. Dasha ZAVGORODNAYA: Be a man - get a divorce! Dmitry, no matter how deeply you are married, you need to get out of these depths. From this abyss of irresponsibility into which you have thrown yourself. I had a problem similar to yours when I was divorcing my unloved husband. I was afraid that his relatives, friends, and he himself would judge me. But I pulled myself together and said firmly: “You deserve a better life than me. Another woman will love and care for you more.” And this is what the husband answered: “Love is not love, but you are the only one with whom you can agree. I can’t find another like it.” Me: “We bet you’ll find it?” And she persuaded him to open a profile on a dating site. As soon as I started it, there were a lot of girls at once. He married one, and everything is fine with them now. I'm in excellent relations with him and his family. You say: relatives, connections, wife, daughter. Among all the characters you mention, there is no main one - yourself. It seems that you are a diligent little boy who tries to please everyone: his teacher, his mother, his friends in the yard. And as a result, he receives nothing but cuffs. Because it is impossible to please EVERYONE! Dmitry, we need to learn to make independent adult decisions. And take on the responsibility of choice, otherwise you will remain an unhappy little one who has been driven into a corner. Tatiana OGNEVA: Don't want to get a divorce? And don’t! You’ll never get divorced, we bet? You respect (and in your own way love) your wife and adore your daughter. You have an established life. Here we're talking about not just about changing one woman for another. You will have to break many years of foundations and habits. I'll tell you a story about one man who, after 20 years, looked happy marriage suddenly fell in love with a beautiful blonde, a dream girl. And I thought: leaving is not leaving. And then, for his birthday, his friends gave him a present - a whole day of practical jokes. In the morning, his unexpected companion - a blonde beauty - suddenly took him to the airfield, where she put him in balloon, and he flew over the city all morning. Then, on his way to work, he kept coming across smiling, long-legged models. On this day, beauties were everywhere wherever he went. He just blossomed getting to know and flirt with them all. And then it was arranged so that he came to the cafe where he once met his wife. She sat in the same place, held the magazine in the same hands, smiled at him in the same way as before. Then he realized that there were a lot of female stars. And faithful, devoted, loving wife one. However, I cannot decide for you. It may turn out that this girl is your true destiny and the love of your life. The main thing is that one day you still need to put an end to your throwing. And choose one. After all, both women, one way or another, live in the same terrible, difficult uncertainty as you. PSYCHOLOGICAL PRACTICUM There are two serious dangers in a “leave or stay” situation. You should be aware of them before making your final decision. The first scary pitfall is called “uncertainty.” You yourself don’t know what awaits you, with whom and how you will build your life, so you simply cannot plan anything even for the near future. The tossing of the soul is harmful not only to the psyche, but also to the entire organism as a whole. Imagine, every second your nerves are strained to the limit for several weeks, or even months. Chinese philosophers call this state of tension “yellow.” In him human resources burn out much faster. Stress deprives you of sleep, appetite and interferes with your work. The main danger is that one day your body will make a choice for you. Either the heart will fail, or psychological impotence will occur. In women, by the way, due to the same problem of choice, temporary frigidity and insensitivity of the genital organs may occur. The worst thing that can happen is when a person, completely exhausted by his own torment, finally makes at least some decision in order to stop it. And, as you know, you can’t do anything good in a fever. The second terrible beast is called “fear of responsibility.” The paradox is that, wanting to make a decision more than anything else, you are afraid to make a decision. You are afraid to take responsibility for destroying your family and creating a new one. (What if it doesn’t work out and it was all in vain?) I really want to share this responsibility with someone. Some go to fortune tellers, others pester their friends with the question: “Well, what should I do, what?” It's good if a person turns to to a good psychologist, and he will help him understand everything about himself and make up his mind without moral losses. But psychologists are also different.
There is a danger of making a decision under the influence of an outsider. But if anything happens, you will have to sort it out. WHAT TO DO: You would be glad to calm down, but it’s impossible, right? You need to take a time out. The advice is banal, but very effective. You just need to decide not to make any decision in the near future. At all. Of course, when you are being pulled from both sides and demanded to make a decision, it is difficult. Therefore, it would be ideal to temporarily escape from both poles of attraction. Stay with a friend, rent a room in another area, take a vacation and go to the country alone. In general, make sure you live alone for at least a week or two. And not in order to think about what to do. On the contrary, distract yourself in every possible way: read books, watch action movies, go fishing, etc. But just don’t think. The fact is that if you don’t cycle, then your subconscious will do everything for you hard work. One day in the middle of the night you may jump up like one stung, shouting: “Eureka! I know what I want!
There is another decision option. The unknown creates a lot of fear. Therefore, you need to draw alternative options for yourself: what awaits you with this person, and what with that. Fantasize thoroughly, or even better, describe in style school essay these alternatives. Now you know what will happen if you go “right” and what if you go “left”. However, now you can give up on the dacha.
ANECDOTE ON THE TOPIC The wife found out about her mistress and kicked her out of the house. I do not know what to do. And you give her a TV... In terms of? Sometimes I don’t spend the night at home for weeks. I return, and she with open arms: “I drank beer again!” |
So, you have firmly decided - I want to leave my wife. We will talk about the reasons a little later, but now we will highlight the most basic points. If you remember them, the separation will be less painful for each party. It is possible that you will even be able to maintain human relationships.
Be consistent The worst thing that can happen in the process of breaking up is constant tossing and turning. First the husband leaves, then returns, begs on his knees for forgiveness from his wife, and then again remembers what pushed him to take this step. These tossing slowly but surely burns love out of a woman’s heart, tormenting her and making her nervous and irritable.
So be consistent. If you decide to leave, then first think carefully about all the circumstances, how you will live, how you will arrange your life and other little things. And only then announce your departure.
Talk to yourself first and make these decisions. If you are sure that it is necessary to leave or that it is impossible to stay together, then leave and do not torture either yourself or her.
How to build a conversation Perhaps your wife feels that your behavior has changed, you are moving away from her. But still, suspicions are one thing, and conversation is completely different. And even in this case, this news will be a shock for her.
Or it may be that she didn’t even think about such a development of events. This is possible by various reasons: she was brought up in such conditions that you can’t get a divorce, but you need to save the marriage with all your might, she’s too focused on work or everyday problems that she doesn’t notice anything around her. In any case, she will have questions, the answers to which you should prepare in advance.
Why? This is the first question that arises in such a situation. Answer this for yourself first. Situations are different, but in some it turns out that essentially nothing will change, just the woman next to you will change. Whether it is worth leaving in such a situation is up to you to decide. One can hope that it will be better elsewhere, but this hope is weak.
I'm leaving because I have no strength “I'm leaving because I can't cope. Our child has been seriously ill for six months now. And it’s not a fact that he will get better,” that’s what Nara’s husband said when he was tired of their wanderings around hospitals. Their son was born with multiple pathologies of internal organs. Initially, the doctors didn’t give him a chance; they said that he wouldn’t be able to breathe on his own. But for six months now, Misha and his mother have been fighting for their lives. He breathes on his own, has already undergone 4 operations and still has a long way to go. But my husband decided that it was too difficult for him. He and his wife decided that when Misha had the main operation and his prospects for a full life became clearer, his husband would leave.
Now you can start clicking your tongue or talking about the moral principles of Nara’s husband (yes, in this story we didn’t even give him a fictitious name), but the fact remains: in most families with a seriously ill child, husbands leave. Because it’s easier not to watch all this horror.
She's better than you, she's amazing! Or you have a mistress who is better than his wife in all respects. If the wife is irritated, disheveled and tired, then the mistress is always affectionate and friendly, neat and friendly. If the house is a mess, which children create at an incredibly fast speed, then the mistress, who does not have children of her own, is always clean and cozy. And in everything she is better than her wife.
"You are an amazing mother, best mother in the world. You are a wonderful designer, our home is very beautiful. You are beautiful. But I don’t want to live with you,” Andrei said to Yulia and left her for Alice. Very quickly, Andrei and Alisa got married and had a child. But at some point, Andrei saw that Alice and Yulia had too much in common: the house was in chaos, toys ended up in the most surprising places, and Alice did not always have enough time to take care of herself as before.
We don’t know all the circumstances of Andrei’s life with Yulia, but at first glance it seems that he returned to where he escaped from. And Yulia’s child has grown up and no longer throws toys around, but helps her mother create and maintain comfort at home.
She's pregnant... A man must marry a woman who is expecting a child from him. And it doesn't matter if he's already married. Or the wife is expecting a child. It happens that men leave their pregnant wife for their pregnant mistress. The situation, of course, is extremely slippery and unpleasant. Here every man must answer himself honestly: to whom does he owe more? Legal spouse or mistress?
And the most offensive thing is that this situation could not have been allowed to happen. But we won’t talk about this this time. You probably know everything yourself.
I'm sick of… Continue the sentence. What exactly are you tired of? There are problems at work, but your wife not only does not support, but only demands, demands and demands? Is she constantly dissatisfied with everything, dissatisfied even with the fact that she herself is dissatisfied?
Formulate it clearly, point by point. And tell her. If you are sure that if you just talk to her and discuss these points, she still won’t change, then it makes sense to leave. But if you have never tried to discuss with her something that doesn’t suit you, then maybe it’s too early to leave? If your feelings are still alive and you value your wife, then give both of you a chance. Talk, discuss. Give you probation, for example, 1 month. If after a month absolutely nothing has changed, then you leave, and if there is at least a slight positive dynamic, then you will continue to work on your relationship.
We are too different You are a night owl, I am a morning person, I love fried potatoes, and for you this main enemy slim figure. I would drink beer with friends in the evening, and you drag me to the theater. And shopping trips with you are stuck in my liver! We are generally too different!
Have you always been different or have you just become this way now? Surely before this you were simply trying to get along with each other, but then such a desire disappeared. The fact that you are different is not a reason for breaking up a relationship, but a consequence of deeper contradictions or accumulated fatigue. When will you find the real reason problems that have arisen, you will be able to decide whether a conversation with your spouse will help or there is nothing left to talk about. But nevertheless, the reason for divorce “they didn’t get along” is quite common.
What didn't suit you? This is another question that usually arises in a woman's mind at the beginning of a conversation. The answer to this follows from the reasons that prompted you to leave. Think through verbatim what you will say to your wife, so that the emotions that inevitably arise in the conversation do not prevent you from saying everything you wanted.
This question is asked, rather, out of a feeling of hopelessness and does not always require an answer. This a rhetorical question, which is set somewhere into infinity, into the universe. Therefore, when it dawned on him, it was time to stop talking and leave. Then there will be only emotions.
Are you really leaving? Of course, she finds it difficult to believe that this is happening. And it's even harder to accept. Therefore, when the conversation comes to such questions, there is nothing left to talk about. Yes, you're leaving. Yes, right now. And leave right now. Take only what you need, you will take the rest of the things later. Now give her time to think about everything she heard herself, draw conclusions and comprehend what happened. Don't call or write, even if you're worried. Moreover, if you are worried about her, then why leave. Or are you driven not by concern, but by guilt? Don't confuse these feelings.
Safety precautions Once you start a conversation, it is difficult to predict in advance how it will go and how it will end. You know your wife and you know what she is capable of. So consider:
- when will you talk? She should be calm and balanced at this moment;
- will you talk? A restaurant or any other public place is the most inappropriate place for this. The fewer witnesses there are, the better and simpler;
- where do you start? The first phrase is very important, it will let her know that the conversation is going to be serious;
Don't start this conversation in the bedroom. No matter what happens to you, the bedroom is a place of relaxation and enjoyment;
- You shouldn’t talk in the kitchen either, especially if your wife is impulsive and abrupt. There are too many breakables;
- Are you ready right now to take a minimum of things with you and leave?
- It is you who should leave, because you are the initiator of the breakup. Even if you share this apartment during a divorce, you should still give her time to comprehend what is happening in silence.
When you start a conversation, control yourself and don't let your emotions get the better of you. Be prepared for the fact that she won't be able to handle hers. So no matter what she says, you:
- don't insult;
- do not mention her mother or any other relatives in the conversation, they have nothing to do with it;
- don't say what you didn't mean to say;
- do not give in to her emotions, most likely she wants to hurt you as much as possible;
- do not forget why you started the conversation, even if she presses for pity;
- speak now and only now, you should not return to this conversation in the future. So either say it now, or forget you were going to say it;
- stand your ground to the end, be consistent;
- Do not let go of your hands under any circumstances, you never know what she says out of emotion.
Of course, the separation process cannot be called painless, but you can make it less painful.
Spouses separate for various reasons: some meet in their own way life path another person who, as he thinks, suits him better, someone becomes a burden to the other half. In any case, it is extremely important to leave on a positive note, because for many years the person you want to leave was the one closest to you. There is no need to cause him severe suffering and pain. Today we propose to talk about it from the wife, and do it in such a way as to maintain warm human relations.
Keep it consistent Psychologists say: the most disgusting and terrible thing that can happen in the process of separation is endless tossing and turning. The husband then leaves, then returns again, begs for forgiveness on his knees, and then again remembers what exactly pushed him to take this difficult step. These tossings slowly but surely destroy love in a woman’s heart, torment her, make her irritable, nervous and aggressive. This is why it is very important to be consistent. If you decide to leave your family, think about all the circumstances: how and where you will live, how you will arrange your life. Only then announce your resignation.
How to build a conversation It is likely that your spouse is well aware of changes in your behavior and mood. She notices that you are moving away from her. However, suspicions are one thing, and frank conversation is quite another. Even if she suspected anything, the news of your departure will be a shock to her. By the way, it is likely that your wife has never thought about this scenario. This could be for a variety of reasons: for example, she was raised in such a way that it was impossible to destroy the family, that the marriage should be saved by all means. She's probably just focused on everyday problems, professional activity and does not notice what is happening around. In any case, she will have a number of questions, the answers to which you must find in advance. How to leave your wife painlessly?
First of all, remember: ignoring calls and messages from your significant other, taking things out while she is not at home is the lot of cowards. You should carefully prepare for the conversation, choose the appropriate time and place, and under no circumstances raise your voice or make complaints. Calmly and gently, but firmly, you must voice your decision. Psychologists say: you can criticize your wife and tell her what she is bad at only if you hope to maintain a relationship with her. If you are determined to break up, this is completely useless.
Causes How to leave your wife? Specialists in the field family relations They say: the very first question that your woman will have is why. That's why you need to answer it for yourself. Situations can be very different, but it often turns out that essentially nothing will change, just the person who will be next to you will change. Is it worth leaving in such a situation? Of course, it's up to you to decide. You can hope that you will be better off in another place with another woman, but this hope is illusory and weak.
Lack of strength Very often, family psychologists are faced with the fact that the husband leaves the family due to the fact that he simply cannot cope with any difficulties. For example, divorces very often occur in families with sick children. Of course, we can talk for a long time about the moral principles of such men, but the fact remains that in most families where there is a seriously ill child, husbands decide how to leave their wife. Because it’s easier for them not to watch their loved ones suffer.
She's better than you! Why with your wife? Perhaps he has a mistress who, it seems to him, is better than his wife in all respects. It often happens that the wife looks irritated, tired and disheveled, while the mistress is always neat, affectionate and friendly. In addition, the house may be a mess, caused by children at cosmic speed, but for a mistress who has no children, the house is always clean and cozy. It seems that she is better than her wife in everything. True, having freed himself from the bonds of marriage with a boring wife and married his mistress, a man may notice that these young ladies have a lot in common: after the birth of a child, a mess appears at home, a new woman does not always have enough time to take care of herself.
When thinking about how to leave his wife for his mistress, a man must learn to distinguish love from passion and temptation. The fact is that real love intelligent, not blind. It is born from care and does not allow selfishness. Therefore, it is necessary to turn on your head and understand: is a new relationship a temptation in the form of a beautiful and attractive woman, a play of hormones, or is it still sincere feelings? Before such an important decision, you need to assume what awaits you ahead, whether passion is worth betrayal.
A cheating wife What if the new feelings were dizzying not for you, but for your wife? Psychologists call cheating on a spouse one of the most painful blows to self-esteem that can hit a man in his entire life. It is almost impossible to forget that your beloved had an intimate life with another man. Of course, it’s worth trying to save the relationship, but what if this is impossible? How to leave a cheating wife?
Experts in the field of family relations recommend first understanding why your spouse went to the left. Offer to talk to her, create a favorable environment for this. Communicate your decision not to save the marriage after what happened as gently and correctly as possible. You should not shout at her, make claims, humiliate or insult her. It is important to understand: you are not the only person who has been betrayed, you can even learn something useful from this. If a woman cheated, most likely she did not love you, or she loved you, but her feelings passed. You have a chance to become happy again, but with a different person. Thank your fate, throw sad thoughts aside. Fate, in the form of an unfaithful wife, sends you a test that you can certainly cope with.
I'm sick of How to decide to leave your wife if something doesn’t suit you? Try to decide what exactly you are unhappy with. Maybe you have a lot of problems at work, and your other half not only does not support you, but also constantly demands something? Maybe she is dissatisfied with everything, even with the fact that she herself is dissatisfied? Formulate everything very clearly, point by point. And tell your wife.
If you are sure that just talk and discuss these points, but nothing will change, it makes sense to leave. However, if you have never discussed with your wife what you are tired of or what does not suit you, maybe it is too early to leave? If your feelings are alive, if you value your relationship with your wife, try giving the two of you a chance. Discuss everything, set a trial period, for example, 1-2 months. If after this time nothing changes, then you should start thinking about how to leave your wife. But if you notice even a slight positive trend, just continue to work on your relationship.
"We are too different" Often this phrase becomes the cause of a breakup. He is a night owl, she is a lark, he loves French fries, and for her this is one of the main enemies of a slim figure. He wants to drink beer with friends in the evening or spend time in the garage, she drags him to the theater. They are too different! Psychologists recommend thinking about: have you always been different or have you only become so now? It is likely that before you thought about how to leave your wife, you tried to find compromises with each other, make concessions, and then this desire disappeared. Just because people are different is not a reason to end a relationship. Rather, this can be called a consequence of deep internal contradictions or accumulated fatigue. What to do in such a situation? Try to find the true cause of the problem. Only after this will you be able to decide whether there is any point in talking to your wife or not.
“What didn’t suit you?” Very often a woman asks her husband this question. That is why psychologists recommend preparing in advance and thinking through what you will say in response, so that the emotions that will certainly arise during the conversation do not prevent you from saying everything you want. Most often, this question is asked because of the feeling of hopelessness that appears in the heart of the woman you want to leave. This is why, when it comes to him, you should stop talking and walk away. Then there will be only emotions.
“Are you really leaving?” Of course, it’s hard for your significant other to believe that this is really happening. And it’s even harder to accept all this. That is why after this question you should not try to explain something or talk about something. Yes, you're leaving. Yes, this decision was not easy for you, but you made it. Yes, you're leaving right now. Immediately after these words, you must take everything you need (you will take the rest of the things later) and leave. Let your wife think about what she heard, draw conclusions, and comprehend what happened. Do not write or call, even if you are worried. After all, if you were sincerely worried, you would hardly leave. Don't confuse anxiety with guilt.
What to do if there are children in the family? Often a man wonders how to leave his wife if there is a child. First of all, it is important to understand that saving a family for the sake of a child is not worth it, because the atmosphere in the house affects everyone, including the baby. If you cannot live with your spouse, you not only suffer yourself and make your chosen one suffer, but also bring a lot of stress to your child, turning his life into hell.
Of course, leaving a family with a child is very difficult, but you should understand that people part as a man and a woman, and not as a mother and father. Divorce is not a reason to abandon a child, his upbringing and care for him. You will have to worry about building relationships with ex-wife in a way that both of you are involved in raising the children.
Safety precautions When you start a conversation about divorce, it is difficult to predict in advance how it will go and how it will end. Only you know your wife, you can imagine what actions she is capable of. This is why it is extremely important to think about where exactly you will be talking.
Restaurants and other public places. The fewer witnesses, the easier it is. It is important to decide what words you will start with. It is the first phrase that should make it clear to the woman that a difficult, serious conversation is ahead. It is the man who must leave, because it is he who initiates the breakup. Even if later, during a divorce, you will share housing, you must give your woman time to comprehend what is happening alone. Don’t let your emotions get the better of you, be prepared for tears and hysterics, but don’t give in to the woman’s emotions and offensive words, which she says, because, most likely, she will try to hurt you as much as possible. In addition, a woman may begin to press for pity, so stand your ground to the end and be consistent, since you have made such a decision. Of course, the separation process cannot be called absolutely painless, but you can smooth out the rough edges.
My wife and I officially divorced because of my affair with another woman. But I cannot completely leave the family: I have to put up with my wife because I love my children and need to be with them all the time. But my life is pure torment...
Dmitry, 39 years old
Let's, Dmitry, look at what is happening through the eyes of your children - your loved ones, the only ones with whom you cannot be separated. What do they see and feel? Tense (or irritated) parents, slipping hints, meaningful pauses...
Child psychoanalyst Françoise Dolto argued that “children and dogs know everything about the family.” Believe me, this is really true. And when I think about what your children “know about family” right now, I feel anxious for them and their future. Of course, they need both mom and dad, but what they need even more is a predictable and safe environment. And they also need to childish way understand what’s going on and don’t be afraid to ask.
Do they dare to ask direct questions or have they already learned to pretend that everything is fine, although in reality everyone is bad? I think that your children live like in a minefield. When was the last time they saw their parents laughing, doing something together, or just talking peacefully? You can't fake it, you can't fake it.
Your physical presence and even your love do not give them this, forgive me for being blunt. It turns out that three adults are absorbed in their own feelings, and the children are held hostage. However, adults, unlike children, made decisions themselves, for which they are now paying.
Since it was you who created this situation, it is worth thinking not only about your experiences - at least now, since you have not done this before.
