Even adult children have problems with their parents.

There is one very nice, but little-known theory that states the following: all problems between generations are because children and parents in a single family are trying to change places. Parents behave like children, and children behave like parents. Usually they say that problems begin when the child has reached adolescence, they say, he has become nervous and unable to think about anything other than the opposite sex. Our theory only slightly complements the previous ones: problems begin when the child has a transitional age, and the parent has a midlife crisis, popularly called a midlife crisis. At this time, the parent realizes that professionally he achieved less than he would have liked. Childhood friends begin to die due to illness and stupid accidents. The demon hits the better half in the rib. And then there is the child with his transitional age. As good as it gets.

There can be many situations here, but I will give three examples, the most picturesque ones.

Situation one, “creative”

There are some parents who just can’t grow up until they have gray hair. They look at the world with wide-open, childishly curious eyes and never tire of being amazed at its diversity. Usually these are people of a creative nature. When they have their own child, he is seen as a miracle and a person, mutual language appears as if by itself. Then the miracle begins to grow, and since it is a person, it is not coddled with, but treated as an equal. A “creative” parent lives in his own world, he is immersed in such depths of thought that you have never even dreamed of, so he does not need to prove the adult’s right to have a decisive vote. He doesn’t need such rights for nothing, and he knows no more about adults than you do. Such a parent does not care about our first love, because he is violently experiencing his one hundred and twenty-fifth. Such a parent, if caught lukewarm, in principle, can discuss the problem of teenage restlessness with his teenager. But only on equal terms and in the light of one’s own middle-aged restlessness. “Creative” people often don’t have time for parent meetings, but you always have the energy to stay up late in the kitchen with strangers, but sincere people. Needless to say, children in such families grow up early and irrevocably. They become independent, lend a shoulder to confused dads and support moms in their search for work. There are pros and cons here. The “pros” are that you can create “creative” parents as you please. But if you want to be a little girl on daddy’s lap, there’s practically nothing to catch here. You can only sulk and engage in childish pranks. “Creative” parents are usually surprised by this, and for some time they behave almost like normal adults.

Situation two, hard labor

Let's say you return home after your third job around twelve at night, but the door is locked from the inside. Mom greets you with the question: “What took you so long? We’ve been sleeping here for a long time.” We are a mother and two younger sisters, one of whom was recently born. She was born after her dad, who actually lives separately, came to visit. And after three and a half months it turned out that it was too late for my mother to have an abortion. Mom’s salary was ridiculous before, but now she has to stay at home with the child. Therefore, you have to work more. And you spin like a squirrel in a wheel, because your mother absolutely does not know how to take responsibility for her own life. Therefore, all responsibility goes to you, regardless of whether you need it or not. The adult is you.

In such a situation, the positive thing is again that you are your own boss. And the negative thing is that you are also the boss of your mother, sister and another sister. In such families, an adult child usually turns into an unsinkable ship who can simultaneously study and earn as much as he wants from anything. But since the family constantly pulls the veins out of him, life becomes like a nightmare. It is useless to sort things out: parents don’t know how to live any other way. And here psychologists give one piece of advice: it is best to move and live separately, and just give parents money so that they don’t go to the bottom. Although you don’t have to give it: even according to Orthodoxy, it is necessary to give to the crippled and wretched. But you shouldn’t give it to the lazy, weak-willed and alcoholics: by doing this you are only helping them slide down an inclined plane. So if you just go live own life, there is a chance that parents will grow up and finally become responsible at least for themselves.

Situation three, half-hearted

After school, a girl tries to go to college, but does not pass the competition. As a result, he goes to the commercial department. Parents pay, of course. Mom is watching her every move, she needs to be home at a certain time, and report all movements around the city by phone. The girl is trying to earn extra money, but her parents don’t want to hear about it, although the money would be nice. Very life situation, and the problem here is that the girl is trying to sit between two chairs. On the one hand, she wants to be an adult and make decisions for herself. On the other hand, she is financially dependent on her parents, which seems to give them complete right to control the child. Therefore, when a girl stays late at a party, she calls home and comes up with “professional” reasons: we’re about to finish something for work...! And in response he hears an exceptionally nervous cry: “Home now, and no talking!”

From the point of view of our theory, the girl has two options. The first way out: become an adult. Then they will have to do without parental help, but gradually they will see that the child has grown up and will stop arguing over trifles. The second way out: become a child. And behave as a child should. For example, a girl calls her mother and says: “You know, we’re hanging out with the guys here, I feel so good that I don’t even want to go home.” The mother reacts to the children’s “good” and “I don’t want to” in a completely incomprehensible way: “Will they at least take you home?” And no screaming. By the way, after the relationship between the girl and her parents improved, mom and dad began to quarrel terribly, because it turned out that their family was supported solely by hysterics and shouts of “Home immediately!” And what do you want? They are also in transition.

When relationships with parents are not going well, children worry for no reason or reason. Sometimes teenagers look for the reasons for disagreements within themselves, and sometimes they blame their parents for everything. As a rule, both are equally wrong.

1. As it happens. You think, “If we disagree, one of us must be wrong. If I am wrong, then I am bad, stupid and ignorant. So it's not me who is wrong. In order not to feel like a failure, I have to prove my parents wrong.” How to.“We may have different opinions. Each of us is unique, our disagreements only confirm our uniqueness.”

2. As it happens. You think, “If only they would behave, I would be happy, attractive, alive and strong. Since I’m not like that, my parents are to blame.” How to.“No one can “create” another. But you can develop in yourself those traits and abilities that you would like to have. You can ask your parents for help, but responsibility for my fate lies only with me.”

3. As it happens. You think: “If I were the way I should be, they would be happy. And when they are unhappy, I experience my failure, or get angry with them. I try not to notice their feelings and distance myself from them.” How to.“No one can completely provide for the life of another person. You cannot be responsible for the happiness of another. In this sense, everyone is responsible only for themselves.”

4. As it happens. You think: “If I let my parents get too close, they will grab me and strangle me.” How to.“No one can absorb or strangle an adult if he is able to make his own decisions. But if you pay attention to the needs of parents, you can learn to support each other.”

5. As it happens. You think, “If they criticize me, they want to make me feel like a failure. If they praise me, they flatter me and try to influence my actions.” How to.“It would be good to learn to listen and equally calmly accept both praise and criticism, asking for clarification if necessary and selecting what is useful.”

6. As it happens. You think: “If I start telling my parents about my experiences, they will give advice, correct, judge and interrupt. I’d rather not say anything and keep my distance.” How to.“If you really need to be listened to without comment, you should say it directly: sometimes you just need to be listened to.”

Often the behavior of a person may not correspond to his social role and status. When a woman acts like a little girl, it can be the most different reasons. Why does it happen that an adult girl behaves like a child? In order to determine the reasons, it is necessary to find out what is meant by this expression. Behavior picture 1. The girl is capricious and constantly demands increased attention. He achieves everything he wants through scandals, tears, and “stomping” his feet. 2. Such women, as a rule, are very jealous of their significant other. As children, they are against their parents having other children. Already in adulthood, they do not allow other young ladies, even childhood friends, to approach their man. 3. The fair sex runs away from responsibility in every possible way. She has no intention of growing up, taking on difficult work, or fulfilling any responsibilities. Such, become a mother and keeper of the hearth. They try to live carefree and cheerfully, as if in their own little world. 4. She constantly needs protection. Infantile girls dream of hiding from problems behind someone’s back, be it a man, friends or relatives. They look for support and support in every person. 5. The child girl is very trusting, so all the people around her are good. She is not particularly picky about people and is glad to everyone who smiled at her. Where does female infantilism come from? Of course, from childhood. It is clear that any parents want to give their daughter the best, they care for her and cherish her. But some cross the line and, as they say, “fall in love” with their little princess. Over the years, this only progresses, and if it is normal for a five-year-old girl to tie her shoelaces and prepare breakfast, then when parents say, for example: “Masha, sit down to eat” to a girl who is already over twenty, this is strange. Selfishness, cultivated in a woman for years by her own relatives, makes her behavior pattern contrary to her biological age. Sometimes in childhood the opposite situation arises: the girl did not receive the love and care in the amount necessary for normal socialization. Having matured, a woman tries to fill in all the gaps. This is unlikely to be possible with parents, but if a girl finds herself a good man, then it is quite possible that it will be he who will give her the affection, care and love that she so needs. Many say that next to the men they love happy women behave like children. All of us we feel some pity to a person who seems to be an adult, but behaves and talks like a child. There are especially many such people among today's youth. A person’s reluctance to grow up or infantilism is not a disease, but flaws in raising a child. Today, many husbands are dissatisfied with the behavior of their wife, who speaks shusakaya, tries to seem stupider and more naive than she really is, and some wives are outraged by the immaturity of their husband, who does not want to take any responsibility for the well-being of the family. Infancy is a developmental delay that is characterized by the preservation of the mental and physical characteristics of a child in an adult. In raising a child, a large role is played by parents, who themselves do not differ in independence and the ability to bear responsibility for their actions. Infantility among modern youth has become total due to the fact that their parents spoil them excessively. A child who is allowed to do everything and has everything from laptops to cars no longer wants to strive for anything. Overly caressed children, strangled by parental love, guardianship and care, do not want to adult life once again strike a finger on a finger. In such families parents for a long time they do all the work for the child themselves, tie his shoelaces until he is six years old, spoon feed him until he grows up, make his bed and pack a bag full of sandwiches for school. An infantile child is not familiar with the words “impossible” and “must”; he only knows well the word “I want!” If this desire does not come true, he will cry touchingly and bitterly or throw hysterics. Having matured, such a child prefers entertainment, pleasure and a constant change of impressions. He wants everything time relax and lead a carefree lifestyle, but he is not ready for serious work. In order for a child not to grow up infantile, it is necessary to cultivate willpower in him. But what kind of will does a child have who, until the age of 7, is not familiar with the skills of overcoming difficulties? Parents should instill willpower in their child. early childhood, and if this does not happen, then a woman-daughter or a man-son grows up, whose spouses will have to take care of them all their lives. Infancy most often occurs in children of the following categories: - in late long-awaited children; - in younger children, who are nursed not only by their parents, but also by older children; - in children who were often sick in childhood; - from heirs, successful and accomplished parents. Re-educate husband who lies on the couch all the time and drinks beer, not thinking about making money or his wife, who prefers to spend all her time free time going shopping and making a fuss over the fact that you have to wash the dishes is already very difficult. In order not to raise a child as an infantile person, it is necessary to encourage independence in him from a young age. From the age of 5, a child should have daily feasible responsibilities that he will clearly know. Child school age I already have to put my room in order, wash the dishes after myself, pick up after my pet and go to the store for bread. From a young age learning to answer for small things, in adult life he will conscientiously fulfill large responsibilities. It is imperative to explain to the child what will happen if he does not fulfill parental instructions. Any child’s desire for independence should not be ridiculed or scolded. For example, if he cooked pasta, and it turned into porridge, you should not tell the child: “What an inexperienced cook you are, you need to cook pasta this way.” On the contrary, you need to praise the child and suggest that next time his pasta will be cooked tastier if he does not boil it for very long. Parents shouldn't threaten to kid, yelling at him or physically punishing him, all this can make the child unwilling to achieve anything. For proper upbringing, communication with parents is very important, which should not be based on the forcible instillation of rules and prohibitions. Joint games with the child, in which he acts as positive hero who saves someone or guides someone, help in the fight against infantilism. In games with your child, laugh at the selfishness, irresponsibility and stupidity of negative characters. It is very important that you parents set a positive example for the child. To develop a personality, you have to be a personality yourself. If parents constantly argue and their requirements for the child differ from each other, then this can lead to the fact that the child does not know how to behave and chooses the most easy way in life. To the generation immaturity the child often contributes to scandals in the family and divorce of parents. Parents sort things out, and the child becomes a hostage of this relationship. He feels unnecessary and tries to live in an unreal world, while existing world seems scary and evil to him. Only mutual respect between parents, communication with the child and trust in him contributes to the education of an independent person who knows how to take responsibility for his actions.