The basis of happy love is healthy intimate relationships that are not limited to physical intimacy. Intimacy is shared love, the joy of mutual understanding, cooperation, trust, reliability, spiritual growth.
Intimate relationships are not formed overnight. Previous experiences, traumatic childhood events, unstable self-esteem, and psychological misconceptions may interfere.
This book will help you get rid of false ideas, unnecessary fears, and find the right guidelines in your search for love.
For a wide range of readers.

What is a functional family? 94
Priceless qualities of newly born children 100
The most important needs of the soul
Survival FROM
Touch P4
Attention 116
Guide 118
Acceptance and approval 119
The ability to bury your losses 123
Support 124
Loyalty and trust 125
Achievements 126
Entertainment, escape from everyday life 128
Sexuality 130
Freedom 135
Caring 137
Love without any conditions 138
A little more about personality boundaries 140
“Yes or no, my dear?” 148
Family - a zone of psychological comfort 154
Today's task 160
The place of sex in intimate relationships 162
Luck in love 168
So, you build healthy relationships 173
Feeling angry 173
Guilt 177
Feeling of shame 178
Tearfulness 179
Fears 180
How do children's feelings manifest themselves in marriage? 184
Traumatic childhood events 188
Roots and branches of the dependency tree 195
“Bravo, Victoria!” 200
Boomerang principle 204
Some exercises to help positive
changes in oneself and in relationships with others 208
Conclusion 214
Literature 216
Application. Seminars by V. Moskalenko 218

INTRODUCTION
If you have never experienced difficulties in relationships with loved ones, put this book down. She's not for you. I write for those who love and suffer, who are not always lucky. I especially sympathize and want to help women, both young and experienced in family life, who, it would seem, do everything for their loved ones, but for some reason are not very happy. Perhaps these women love too much.
Situation: there is too much love, and the result does not satisfy you - what to do? One answer is to look for a way out of possible misconceptions. In the field of love, as in other areas of life, there are myths and there is reality. We will talk about intimate relationships. Let's agree on what we mean by intimate relationships. In modern life, this concept has narrowed - in the minds of some, to the content of the Intimate store. Sexual relationships are only a small part of intimate relationships, only a special case, one of the components of such relationships. What we will talk about in this book is much broader, more diverse and interesting.
Intimacy is a celebration of sharing all feelings, not just good sex. This means intimacy is more than sex. Let's turn to the meanings and origin of the word.
The Latin roots of the word “intimacy” are as follows. The Latin verb intimare means “to announce”, “to make known”, and the word intimus means “lying deep within”, “deepest, hidden”.
Take a look at V.I. Dahl’s dictionary and you will see: “Intimate (lat.) - close, short, close, sincere, heartfelt
5

sincere, sincere; secret, unspoken, internecine, secretive; private, private." It is about such relationships between people - close, sincere and at the same time, perhaps unspoken, secret - that we will talk in this book.
- Each of us has our own inner world, our own inner space. Intimacy lies beyond its borders, it is a world open to two. And they enter into it with what the soul is rich in. The tone of the relationship is set by the spiritual wealth (or poverty) of the partners. However, relationships are always dynamic, they can be built, changed - if only you knew the goals you are striving for and the rules of construction. Everything can be learned if there is good will.
Nothing prevents people from getting along with each other more than fears, prejudices, fears that come from nowhere, which I call myths. A myth is a departure from reality, something opposite to the truth of life, a delusion. My task is to show the most common misconceptions of people building close relationships. As is well known, all devastation begins in the minds. You will find a way out of your difficulty yourself. Each person has their own myths and realities of intimacy. Let's talk about some of them, which occur quite often, at least in my practice as a psychotherapist.
I hope that this book will help you build healthy intimate relationships and that with its help you will advance in self-improvement. Even if, while reading it, you only think about the issues discussed here, talk with your loved ones on this topic, you will already gain something and receive an impetus for further spiritual growth.
Close relationships are such an important area of ​​human life that I am convinced that it is worth talking about. One of my friends likes to repeat: “Wish someone lucky to meet you, then you will be lucky to meet him.” I also like this aphorism.

When there is too much love, the danger of love addiction is great. The basis of happy love is healthy intimate relationships that are not limited to physical intimacy. Intimacy is shared love, the joy of mutual understanding, cooperation, trust, reliability, spiritual growth. Intimate relationships are not formed overnight. Previous experiences, traumatic childhood events, unstable self-esteem, and psychological misconceptions may interfere. This book will help you recover from false ideas, unnecessary fears, and find the right guidelines in your search for love. For a wide range of readers.

INTRODUCTION

If you have never experienced difficulties in relationships with loved ones, put this book down. She's not for you. I write for those who love and suffer, who are not always lucky. I especially sympathize and want to help women, both young and experienced in family life, who, it would seem, do everything for their loved ones, but for some reason are not very happy. Perhaps these women love too much.

Situation: there is too much love, and the result does not satisfy you - what to do? One answer is to look for a way out of possible misconceptions. In the field of love, as in other areas of life, there are myths and there is reality. We will talk about intimate relationships. Let's agree what we mean by intimate relationships. In modern life, this concept has narrowed - in the minds of some, to the content of the Intimate store. Sexual relationships are only a small part of intimate relationships, only a special case, one of the components of such relationships. What we will talk about in this book is much broader, more diverse and interesting.

Intimacy is a celebration of sharing all feelings, not just good sex. This means intimacy is more than sex. Let's turn to the meanings and origin of the word.

The Latin roots of the word “intimacy” are as follows. Latin verb intimate means “to announce”, “to make known”, and the word intimus - “lying deep inside”, “deepest, most intimate”.

Look into V. I. Dahl’s dictionary and you will see: “Intimate (lat.)- close, short, intimate, sincere, heartfelt, sincere; secret, unspoken, internecine, secretive; private, private." It is about such relationships between people - close, sincere and at the same time, perhaps unspoken, secret - that we will talk in this book.

Each of us has our own inner world, our own inner space. Intimacy lies beyond its borders, it is a world open to two. And they enter into it with what the soul is rich in. The tone of the relationship is set by the spiritual wealth (or poverty) of the partners. However, relationships are always dynamic, they can be built, changed - if only you knew the goals you are striving for and the rules of construction. Everything can be learned if there is good will.

Nothing prevents people from getting along with each other more than fears, prejudices, misgivings that come from out of nowhere, which I call myths. A myth is a departure from reality, something opposite to the truth of life, a delusion. My task is to show the most common misconceptions of people building close relationships. As is well known, all devastation begins in the minds. You will find a way out of your difficulty yourself. Each person has their own myths and realities of intimacy. Let's talk about some of them, which occur quite often, at least in my practice as a psychotherapist.

I hope that this book will help you build healthy intimate relationships and that with its help you will advance in self-improvement. Even if, while reading it, you only think about the issues discussed here, talk with your loved ones on this topic, you will already gain something and receive an impetus for further spiritual growth.

Close relationships are such an important area of ​​human life that I am convinced that it is worth talking about. One of my friends likes to repeat: “Wish someone lucky to meet you, then you will be lucky to meet him.” I also like this aphorism.

Valentina Moskalenko when there is too much love. Prevention of love addiction - page No. 1/13

Valentina Moskalenko -

VALENTINA MOSKALENKO

When there is too much love. Prevention of love addiction

annotation

When there is too much love, the danger of love addiction is great. The basis of happy love is healthy intimate relationships that are not limited to physical intimacy. Intimacy is shared love, the joy of mutual understanding, cooperation, trust, reliability, spiritual growth. Intimate relationships are not formed in one day. Previous experiences, traumatic childhood events, unstable self-esteem, and psychological misconceptions may interfere. This book will help you get rid of false ideas, unnecessary fears, and find the right guidelines in your search for love.

VALENTINA MOSKALENKO

When there is too much love. Prevention of love addiction

HURRY MARRIAGE 2

FIRST DISAPPOINTMENTS 3

VICTIMS BEREAT VICTIMS 4

TRUE OR FALSE? 5

LOVE OR DEPENDENCE? 6

CIRCLES OF INTIMACY 7

SO WHAT IS IT - A HEALTHY INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP? 8

STAGES OF MARITAL RELATIONSHIPS 9

MARRIAGES ARE MADE IN HEAVEN 10

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY 11

WHAT IS A FUNCTIONAL FAMILY? 12

PRICELESS QUALITIES OF JUST BORN CHILDREN 13

A LITTLE MORE ABOUT PERSONAL BOUNDARIES 14

“YES OR NO, MY DEAR?” 15

FAMILY – ZONE OF PSYCHOLOGICAL COMFORT 16

TASK FOR TODAY 17

THE PLACE OF SEX IN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS 18

LUCK IN LOVE 19

SO YOU ARE BUILDING A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP 20

HOW DO CHILDREN'S FEELINGS MANIFEST IN A MARRIAGE? 21

TRAUMATIC EVENTS IN CHILDHOOD 22

ROOTS AND BRANCHES OF THE DEPENDENCY TREE 23

BRAVO, VICTORIA! 24

BOOMERANG PRINCIPLE 25

SOME EXERCISES TO HELP YOU MAKE POSITIVE CHANGES IN YOURSELF AND IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH OTHERS 26

CONCLUSION 27

LITERATURE 28
BBK 88

UDC 159.9.072

Moskalenko V.D. M 82 WHEN LOVE IS TOO MUCH: Prevention of love addiction. – M.: Psychotherapy, 2006. – 224 p. (“Family Psychology”)

When there is too much love, the danger of love addiction is great.

The basis of happy love is healthy intimate relationships that are not limited to physical intimacy. Intimacy is shared love, the joy of mutual understanding, cooperation, trust, reliability, spiritual growth.

Intimate relationships are not formed overnight. Previous experiences, traumatic childhood events, unstable self-esteem, and psychological misconceptions may interfere.

This book will help you get rid of false ideas, unnecessary fears, and find the right guidelines in your search for love.

For a wide range of readers.

ISBN 5-903182-02-Х

© Valentina Moskalenko, 2006 © PSYCHOTHERAPY, 2006

Introduction... 5

Hasty marriage... 7
What is a functional family?... 94

Invaluable qualities of newly born children... 100

The most important needs of the soul... FROM

Survival... FROM

Touch... P4

Attention... 116

Guide... 118

Acceptance and approval... 119

The ability to bury your losses... 123

Support… 124

Loyalty and trust... 125

Achievements… 126

Entertainment, escape from everyday life... 128

Sexuality… 130

Freedom... 135

Caring... 137

Love without any conditions... 138

A little more about personality boundaries... 140

“Yes or no, my dear?”... 148

Family is a zone of psychological comfort... 154

Today's task... 160

The place of sex in intimate relationships... 162

Luck in love... 168

So, you build healthy relationships... 173

Feeling angry... 173

Guilt… 177

Feeling of shame... 178

Tearfulness… 179

Fears... 180

How do children's feelings manifest themselves in marriage?... 184

Traumatic childhood events... 188

Roots and branches of the dependency tree... 195

“Bravo, Victoria!”... 200

The boomerang principle... 204

Some exercises to help positive

changes in oneself and in relationships with others... 208

Conclusion... 214

Literature… 216

Application. Seminars by V. Moskalenko… 218

INTRODUCTION

If you have never experienced difficulties in relationships with loved ones, put this book down. She's not for you. I write for those who love and suffer, who are not always lucky. I especially sympathize and want to help women, both young and experienced in family life, who, it would seem, do everything for their loved ones, but for some reason are not very happy. Perhaps these women love too much.

Situation: there is too much love, and the result does not satisfy you - what to do? One answer is to look for a way out of possible misconceptions. In the field of love, as in other areas of life, there are myths and there is reality. We will talk about intimate relationships. Let's agree what we mean by intimate relationships. In modern life, this concept has narrowed - in the minds of some, to the content of the Intimate store. Sexual relationships are only a small part of intimate relationships, only a special case, one of the components of such relationships. What we will talk about in this book is much broader, more diverse and interesting.

Intimacy is a celebration of sharing all feelings, not just good sex. This means intimacy is more than sex. Let's turn to the meanings and origin of the word.

The Latin roots of the word “intimacy” are as follows. Latin verb intimate means “to announce”, “to make known”, and the word intimus - “lying deep inside”, “deepest, most intimate”.

Look into V. I. Dahl’s dictionary and you will see: “Intimate (lat.)- close, short, close, sincere, heartfelt

5
sincere, sincere; secret, unspoken, internecine, secretive; private, private." It is about such relationships between people - close, sincere and at the same time, perhaps unspoken, secret - that we will talk in this book.

– Each of us has our own inner world, our own inner space. Intimacy lies beyond its borders, it is a world open to two. And they enter into it with what the soul is rich in. The tone of the relationship is set by the spiritual wealth (or poverty) of the partners. However, relationships are always dynamic, they can be built, changed - if only you knew the goals you are striving for and the rules of construction. Everything can be learned if there is good will.

Nothing prevents people from getting along with each other more than fears, prejudices, misgivings that come from out of nowhere, which I call myths. A myth is a departure from reality, something opposite to the truth of life, a delusion. My task is to show the most common misconceptions of people building close relationships. As is well known, all devastation begins in the minds. You will find a way out of your difficulty yourself. Each person has their own myths and realities of intimacy. Let's talk about some of them, which occur quite often, at least in my practice as a psychotherapist.

I hope that this book will help you build healthy intimate relationships and that with its help you will advance in self-improvement. Even if, while reading it, you only think about the issues discussed here, talk with your loved ones on this topic, you will already gain something and receive an impetus for further spiritual growth.

Close relationships are such an important area of ​​human life that I am convinced that it is worth talking about. One of my friends likes to repeat: “Wish someone lucky to meet you, then you will be lucky to meet him.” I also like this aphorism.

HURRY MARRIAGE

No one expected Tanya to get married so quickly. She was a serious girl, very responsible, and avoided noisy companies. And suddenly - here you go! Marry! The courtship period is one week.

The chosen one had a beautiful appearance and... a difficult fate. His first wife, leaving him a child, drove off with a young officer. Everyone sympathized with the abandoned husband. It seemed that now he was only concerned with the difficulties of everyday life and raising his son. But as soon as Tanya appeared at the design bureau where he worked, and where she was sent for internship, he immediately drew attention to her. And then - an invitation to a restaurant, to your home... And everything was decided.

Tanya fell in love with him immediately. She was 22 years old, he was 35. She had no experience in love, except for painful, unrequited love for a student who seemed to her to be the star of the course. This young man, successful in everything, is what is called the soul of society. Now I must admit that she failed to achieve it, but she tried very hard. Well, let bygones be bygones. It seemed to Tanya that this episode had passed without a trace. Is not it? And in general, does anything pass without a trace?

Tanya really wanted to have a good, friendly family, so that both her husband and children would love her. It's so natural. And doesn't she deserve such a fate? And her appearance is good, and there are as many advantages as you like. Smart, diligent, never lazy, everything in her parents' house rested on her.

Mom worked at a sensitive enterprise, came late, tired. Tanya so wanted to please her with the cleanliness of her apartment and a delicious lunch. However, the always tired mother was rarely happy about anything.

7
At school, Tanya tried to get good grades and be exemplary in behavior. But mom’s fatigue seemed to never end, and dad... And what, exactly, dad? Tanya somehow doesn’t remember him. He was always away. He has training camps, competitions, he is a motorcycle racer. And when I left big sport, business trips began. At first I was bored, then I got used to it. It seemed like there was a dad, but it seemed like there wasn’t. Tanya had never seen her parents kiss or laugh joyfully. True, they didn’t quarrel. But the atmosphere in the house was sad.

Tanya passionately wanted to arrange her family life differently, completely different from her parents’. “Everything will be different for me,” she thought. Why not? Isn't man the architect of his own happiness? Doesn’t Tanya know how to be devoted, tender, infinitely sensitive to the needs of a loved one? It seemed to her that she could move mountains if they interfered with her happiness.

And so she fell in love with a handsome man who had suffered with his frivolous wife, and fell in love with his orphaned son. So why bother trying to pretend? You have to be sincere. And Tanya immediately agreed to his proposal to get married. He seemed so serious!

FIRST DISAPPOINTMENTS

A month after the wedding, on April 30, the husband disappeared for two days. It later turned out that he met his friend and they got drunk together. This is how they spent May 1 and 2. Tanya stayed at home with her husband's son. Naturally, she remembered this first “holiday” in her family life for a long time. Then the husband asked for forgiveness. She forgave. Tanya tried to show herself only from the best side. She thought that in this way she would be able to win Kostya. She never parted with the idea that they could make a wonderful couple.

Tanya worked wonders in cooking, made the house cozy, and did not deny her husband sexual pleasures, although she herself still understood little about it. The woman in her has not yet woken up. Kostya admired her and said that a better wife could not be found. But quite often he disappeared somewhere, then explained all this as unforeseen and very serious circumstances. His drinking became more frequent. He loved his son, but apparently he loved vodka more. He quickly shifted all concerns about his son onto Tanya’s shoulders. More and more often he did not return home until late at night.

Tanya loved to read and tried to distract herself from sad thoughts by reading. This was hardly achievable. She read ironic lines in A.S. Pushkin’s “Eugene Onegin,” but they seemed serious to her. She became even more sad.

What could be worse in the world? Families where the poor wife is sad about her unworthy husband, alone day and evening; Where is the boring husband, knowing her worth (Fate, however, cursing),

9
Always frowning, silent, Angry and coldly jealous!

Three years have passed. After three years of married life, Tanya realized that she could not call her marriage happy. Note that for three years she convinced herself of the opposite. Thoughts about divorce appeared, but then a sense of duty and fear of upsetting my parents intervened. Tanya's mother and father thought that their daughter was happily married, that everything was in order in her family.

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Approved for distribution by the Publishing Council of the Russian Orthodox Church IS R16–612–0481

© Nikeya Publishing House, 2017

A word to the reader

The book you hold in your hands reveals the secret of unfulfilled hopes and disappointments in love. And how useful it is to take possession of this secret at the very beginning of your journey!

When dreaming of marriage, girls usually prepare to implement one of two life strategies: either find a person with the help of whom their own dreams of happiness will come true; or become a heroine who places herself on the altar of the family - to belong entirely to her husband and children, to forget about herself (by the way, Russian folklore has preserved this tradition of mourning oneself and one’s youth before the wedding). The choice, as we see, is small. And it is often determined by the scenario accepted in the parental family; it is not for nothing that young people often receive the following advice from their wise relatives or friends: look carefully at the mother of your bride - this is a portrait of your wife in the future; look carefully at her father - this is your portrait. If you see a timid, downtrodden person who is afraid to say a word, run away from this house quickly. And if you see a formidable, powerful father of the family, whose word is the law for everyone, boldly make a match. You will have a meek, quiet, gentle wife.

Future brides and grooms are asked to choose from these common stereotypes.

But are there really only two options for living together - either “happiness for me” or “happiness for others”? After all, we see their inferiority. Valentina Moskalenko’s book denotes the third path of development - the path to harmonious relationships in a future family. She talks about how not to lose your personality, not to become a victim, but also not to turn into a despot, how to create what we call the atmosphere in the family, “the weather in the house.” And, finally, about how future brides and grooms – our children – live in this atmosphere.

Very often, young people perceive relationships as something that develops on its own, when the main thing is to find a partner, and the relationship with a partner will build itself, because it seems there is simply no other option. And this misconception is one of the very dangerous ones, because in fact, relationships are built. Mutual interest and sympathy in a couple do not guarantee that the union itself will form: this requires strong-willed efforts.

There are cases when people have been married for many years, or even married, they have children, but no relationship. And there is not even a thought that they need to be built, or somehow worked on:

We met again
And a truck was driving us.
We fell in love once again
But you didn't recognize me.

You brought me home
She loved and gave love.
We have lived with you for years,
But you didn't recognize me.

In believing families, we often see how Orthodox etiquette replaces real relationships between people. If the head of a family, who drinks away the family money and raises his hand to his wife, demands respect from his children on the grounds that there is a commandment to honor parents, perhaps he will receive some signs of such an attitude from them, but real mutual understanding and love is unlikely will wait someday. Etiquette appears where love ends and the spirit of Christian relationships disappears. The Apostle Paul wrote: the letter kills, the Spirit gives life(2 Cor 3:6), deeds of love... there is no law against them(Gal. 5:22–23). No rules or actions can replace love, and young people need to learn not so much to follow a rule as to learn to love.

“Domostroy” is one of the most famous sets of such rules, and it just testifies to a deep crisis of faith - there is not a word about love in it. Otherwise, how can we understand such a cruel “recommendation”: “Execute your son from his youth and you will rest in your old age, and give the beauty of your soul, and do not weaken the beating of the baby, even if by the rod of his beating he does not die, but there will be health, you will smiting his body, and delivering his soul from death.” How many people with crippled psyches lived in childhood in constant fear and expectation of beatings, in an atmosphere of misunderstanding and lack of support from those closest to them - their parents.

Although just following the rules can be perceived from the outside as the existence of a deep and serious relationship. I once witnessed such a situation. A man entered the compartment of the train in which I was traveling, followed by a woman. They briefly found out something from each other and began to act surprisingly harmoniously: they took off their outer clothes, raised the bottom shelf, put things there, then the man took the mattress off the top shelf and went out into the vestibule. The woman, having made her bed, went to get tea... At the end of the trip, they just as quickly coped with putting all their things away: the man did something, the woman did something. It was felt that they understood each other perfectly! The elderly lady who was traveling with us in the compartment even exclaimed: “But when spouses live together for a long time, they don’t even need to talk. They are already reading each other’s thoughts, and how well everything is working out for them.” The couple was very surprised in response: as it turned out, they were not spouses - they were simply returning each from their business trip. At that moment, I realized that I was seeing people who were only very familiar with “compartment etiquette”, since they had to travel often. In fact, they did not have common interests, but from the outside their relationship resembled amazing harmony.

The same thing can happen in a family - a beautiful hearth, but without fire. People coexist in parallel, get used to such a life, get used to it, because there are community rules, there are common concerns, but relationships do not arise. This bitter, but convenient proximity to providing each other with some kind of services, firstly, deprives a person of genuine feelings, genuine love, genuine relationships, and secondly, most importantly, deprives children of a real family.

Many young people marry having experienced living either in single-parent families, which often consist of a mother and grandmother who are always busy at work, or in families based on “neighborhood principles”, devoid of an example of warm, well-built relationships between spouses. And Valentina Moskalenko’s book can fill this deficit of childhood experience, providing a happy opportunity to build a harmonious family and pass on a good example to children in order to make it easier for them in the future to do the same task and interrupt the transmission of family problems from generation to generation.

You may ask, is this knowledge really necessary for believers? Indeed, on the path to creating a family, we rely on God’s help and the right guidelines - spiritual truths and those ideals of relationships that our faith gives us. But very often we cannot manage them wisely and trying to follow them leads us to a dead end. As a priest, I see that people lack self-knowledge, a clear understanding of the reasons for their actions and reactions, and also an understanding of how, in fact, they need to build relationships. And then knowledge of human psychology comes to our aid.

For example, one of the important Christian guidelines is the idea of ​​sacrifice. And how difficult it is to deal with this sacrifice in family life! In her book, Valentina Dmitrievna talks about people who do not feel what her Christian principle is, and their sacrifice turns into another quality - they abandon themselves. It seems to such people that they are following the right, spiritual path to solving problems. However, the Lord speaks of sacrifice as sacrifice in my name, which should not be sacrificed on the altar of vice, sin, should not serve someone’s pride, give in or indulge vice. Often, sacrificial behavior only helps sin grow more and more. And the Lord repeats to us that our aspirations are known by their fruits. If we give up something, it is for the sake of a worthy, good goal! Let us remember His words that Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends(John 15:13). The Lord calls us to sacrificial service, but we must always remember that for Christians there is only one atoning sacrifice - Christ Himself.

One of the two commandments, which the Lord called the greatest of all, will help us understand the measure of sacrifice for the benefit of loved ones. love your neighbor as yourself(Mark 12:31). If a person does not love himself in the Christian sense of the word - as the image of God, if he treats himself strictly, harshly, then such “love” will be scary for his neighbor, and it will not bear good fruits. “Loving yourself” means understanding that I am not just my own love for myself, but that I came into the world and will leave not by my own will, but by the will of God. God needs me for something, and most importantly, He loves me. And if I torment myself, I will torment God’s beloved child, and thereby cause Him pain.

About a person who sacrifices himself because of dislike for himself, the holy fathers say that there is humiliation, which is worse than other pride, and they see spiritual ugliness in this. Of course, a person is capable of self-sacrifice, but he is also capable of “masochism” as a refusal to work on himself, from correcting himself, from transformation in the Holy Spirit, masking this refusal with high motives. A person begins to “crucify” himself at work, behaves like a victim in relationships, and this relieves him of the need to change himself and his life.

A person’s desire for painful sacrifice is often associated with his desire to be loved - not the ability to accept love, but the desire and attempt to earn it, not noticing that he is already loved.

Why is the child acting up? He wants to attract attention, he wants to feel that he is needed. He climbs somewhere high, finds himself in a dangerous situation, to see that his parents are worried about him. Of course, every person needs love. Sometimes this need leads to the fact that we go to the most extreme measures to be noticed - I exist, I am, I am here! It is very important to recognize this desire in yourself before you begin to seek its satisfaction.

Every person is a vessel, and, as we know, he does not tolerate emptiness. At the same time, people have the illusion that this vessel can be filled as if from the side, having received everything they need from their neighbors, but this is impossible. The vessel is poured only from the top. A person who wants to love himself takes care of his spiritual health, sets aside time to communicate with the Lord in order to nourish himself spiritually, and learns to understand himself, relying on the valuable store of knowledge about the human psyche accumulated by psychological science over a century of its development, using that a spiritual context in which all paths lead to God and all our internal changes are made in Him.

The commandment of self-love, which is so connected with how we love our neighbors, presupposes not only respect for some of our tangible, understandable interests, it raises a broader question - about the quality of our personality. What kind of person am I, how do I stand before my neighbors, before God? We must try to live up to the hopes that God places on us and help the plan for us to be realized. Revealing your personality and your talents, and not burying them in the ground - this is fulfilling the will of God. Moreover: according to the word of the Apostle Paul, we are called be jealous of great gifts(1 Cor. 12:31) to serve God more fully by serving our neighbors.

I would like to introduce you better to the author of this book. Valentina Dmitrievna does not need to be introduced to specialists who are involved in the rehabilitation of addicted people - many of them remember with gratitude that as professionals they grew up reading her books. Over 55 years in the profession, Valentina Dmitrievna has gone through a difficult path: she started as a psychiatrist, conducted a number of studies in the field of genetics of mental illness, and then became a psychiatrist-narcologist and a respected Christian psychotherapist. The methods of many outstanding Western Christian psychologists were not just adopted by her from mouth to mouth, but revised and adapted to our tradition. She studied family programs and psychotherapy both in Russia and in the USA (Heselden, Betty Ford Center).

Valentina Dmitrievna significantly revised and expanded the second edition of her famous book “When there is too much love.” The book is addressed to young readers, although I have no doubt that older people, those who already have experience in marriage and are creative in building relationships, will find a lot of interesting and important things in it.

Priest Peter Kolomeytsev,

Dean of the Faculty of Psychology of the Russian Orthodox University

Why does a Christian need psychology?

Valentina Moskalenko’s books “Return to Life” and “When There is Too Much Love,” which are published by the Nikeya publishing house, are not just another publication devoted to the psychology of human relationships. Their author makes an attempt to answer the difficult question of how the theory and practical experience of psychological science can be combined with the Christian worldview.

It is no secret that for modern man psychology becomes a kind of ersatz religion, repeating it so much that it contains analogues of the main sacraments (Baptism, Confession...). This replacement is not at all accidental; it is the result of the displacement of the sacred and religious from modern life with the continuing need for its regulation, comprehension and even “spiritualization”, carried out in psychology through an appeal to the sphere of the unconscious. It is not surprising that among Orthodox Christians there is a widespread opinion that psychology is something that contradicts faith.

However, can we, modern Christians, say that the problems described in these books are alien to us? No. Moreover, pastoral practice indicates that the psychological illnesses about which the author writes are becoming almost universal in the Orthodox community. Of course, you can, quoting the apostle, talk about this as a condition abundance of grace(Rom. 5:20), but a sober, unprejudiced assessment will lead us to the conclusion that our house is built not on the rock of Christ's love and freedom, but on the sand of external decency (see Matt. 7). And the great fall of such a house is not a matter of the future, it is already happening...

Christians who completely deny the importance of psychology, without knowing it, deny the person himself, complex and unpredictable. Such a mistake is fatal, because such a “theology of creation” distorts the basis of our faith. This book not only challenges hypocrisy and hypocrisy, it affirms the goodness of the world, those grace-filled gifts that the Creator has endowed each of us.

To turn life into a static, decent “something” would mean abandoning the very nature of man, so the author is not afraid to talk about falling in love, intimate life, and the complex dynamics of personal relationships.

Sin, as the author of the books understands it, is not just a general principle, the rejection of which is enough to declare - sin is exposed as an imaginary “sacrifice”, as a false “devotion”, as a fictitious “love”... And this exposure, when it is committed by a person, is the fruit of genuine, not formal repentance, in which one cannot help but see a real miracle.

If the book “When there is too much love” tells about the dramatic experience of relationships that children who grow up in dysfunctional families acquire, an experience that distorts their own future family life, then in the book “Return to Life” the author talks about the family as a structure that creates conditions and feeds the development of alcoholism and drug addiction, a serious, destructive condition even for its “healthy” members.

Much in the text of the books may seem unusual to the Orthodox reader. For example, emphasizing the dignity and value of an individual human personality, constantly emphasizing the need to clearly define its boundaries. But even here, psychology only repeats in its new language the truths discovered long ago by Christianity. Let us remember that man is the image and likeness of God Himself (Gen. 1), and the Church is the unity of individuals who are irreplaceable in the common existence (1 Cor. 13).

Thus, these books, using the rich tools of psychological science, direct the Orthodox reader to search for genuine, and not imaginary, spirituality, prepare him for the fight against sin, and strengthen his faith in salvation.

Priest Gleb Kursky,

Lecturer at the Department of Biblical Studies at St. Tikhon's Orthodox Humanitarian University

Introduction

...that the love with which You loved Me may be in them, and I in them

(John 17:26)

I wonder if there are people on earth who have never experienced difficulties in relationships with loved ones? If there is, then my book is clearly not for them. I write for those who love and suffer, who are not always lucky. I especially sympathize and want to help girls and women - both young and experienced in family life, who seem to do everything for their loved ones, but for some reason are not very happy. Perhaps they love too much? A common situation: there seems to be too much love, but the relationship does not satisfy you. What to do? One answer is to look for a way out of possible misconceptions.

We will talk about intimate relationships. Let's immediately agree what we mean by this. In modern life, this concept has narrowed - in the minds of some, to the content of the Intimate store. But sexual relations are only a small part of intimate relationships, only a special case, one of their components. What we will talk about in the book is much broader, more diverse and interesting. Intimacy is a celebration of sharing all feelings.

Let us turn to the meanings and origins of the word “intimacy”. Latin verb intimate means “to announce”, “to make known”, and the word intimus- “lying deep inside”, “deepest, most intimate”.

Look into V. I. Dahl’s dictionary and you will see: “Intimate ( lat.) – close, short, close, sincere, heartfelt, sincere; secret, unspoken, internecine, secretive; private, private." It is about such relationships between people - close, sincere and at the same time, perhaps unspoken, secret - that we will talk.

Each of us has our own inner world, our own inner space. Intimacy lies beyond its borders, it is a world open to two. And they enter into it with what the soul is rich in. The tone of the relationship is set by the spiritual wealth (or poverty) of the partners. However, relationships are always dynamic, they can be built, changed - if only you knew the goals you are striving for and the rules of construction. Everything can be learned if there is good will.

Nothing prevents people from getting along with each other more than fears, prejudices, misgivings that come from out of nowhere, which I call myths. A myth is a departure from reality, something opposite to the truth of life, a delusion. My task is to show the most common misconceptions of people building close relationships. Each person has their own myths and realities of intimacy. Let's talk about those that occur quite often, at least in my practice as a psychotherapist. It is well known that all devastation begins in the minds. But there is hope that it ends there - you can find a way out of your difficulty yourself.

I hope that this book will help you build healthy intimate relationships and that with its help you will advance in understanding yourself and other people. Even if, while reading it, you only think about the issues discussed here, talk with your loved ones about these topics, you will already gain something and receive an impetus for further personal growth.

In the Appendix I have included many practical exercises, trainings and even a fairy tale, which, I hope, will help not only “test” yourself, but also achieve some positive changes in relationships with loved ones, and most importantly, with yourself.

Close relationships are such an important area of ​​human life that I am convinced that it is worth talking about. One of my friends likes to say: “Wish someone lucky to meet you, then you will be lucky to meet him.” I also like this aphorism.

How does it happen in life

Do not owe anyone anything except mutual love; For he who loves another has fulfilled the law.

For the commandments: do not commit adultery, do not kill, do not steal, do not bear false witness, do not covet someone else's and all others are contained in this word: love your neighbor as yourself.

Love does not harm one's neighbor; So love is the fulfillment of the law

(Rom. 13:8–10).

Hasty marriage

No one expected Tanya to get married so quickly. She was a serious girl, very responsible, and avoided noisy companies. And suddenly - here you go! Marry! The courtship period is one week.

The chosen one had a beautiful appearance and... a difficult fate. His first wife, leaving him a child, drove off with a young officer. Everyone sympathized with the abandoned husband. It seemed that now he was only concerned with the difficulties of everyday life and raising his son. But as soon as Tanya appeared at the design bureau, where he worked and where she was sent for internship, he immediately drew attention to her. And then - an invitation to a restaurant... And everything was decided.

Tanya fell in love with him immediately. She was 22 years old, he was 35. She had no experience in love, except for a painful, unrequited affection for a student who seemed to her to be the star of the course. This young man, successful in everything, is what is called the soul of society. Now I must admit that she failed to achieve it, but she tried very hard. Well, let bygones be bygones. It seemed to Tanya that this episode had left no trace. Is not it? And does anything ever pass without a trace?

Tanya really wanted to have a good, friendly family, so that both her husband and children would love her. It's so natural. Doesn't she deserve such a fate? And her appearance is good, and she has as many advantages as you like: smart, diligent; she was never lazy - in her parents’ house everything depended on her.

Mom worked at a sensitive enterprise, came late, exhausted. Tanya so wanted to please her with the cleanliness of her apartment and a delicious lunch. However, the always tired mother was rarely happy about anything. At school, Tanya tried to get good grades and be exemplary in behavior. But mom’s fatigue never seemed to go away, and dad... What about dad, exactly? Tanya somehow doesn’t remember him. He was always away. He has training camps, competitions, he is a motorcycle racer. And when he left big sport, business trips began. At first I was bored, then I got used to it. It seemed like there was a dad, but it seemed like there wasn’t. Tanya had never seen her parents kiss or laugh joyfully. True, they didn’t quarrel. But the atmosphere in the house was sad.

Tanya passionately wanted to arrange her family life differently, completely different from her parents’. “Everything will be different for me,” she thought. Why not? Isn't man the architect of his own happiness? Doesn’t Tanya know how to be devoted, tender, infinitely sensitive to the needs of a loved one? It seemed to her that she could move mountains if they interfered with her happiness.

And so she fell in love with a handsome man who had suffered with his frivolous wife, and fell in love with his orphaned son. So why bother trying to pretend? You have to be sincere. And Tanya immediately accepted his proposal to get married. He seemed so serious!