Psychology of family relations studies problematic issues and situations that arise in the field of realization of personal aspirations, goals in family relationships. Almost everyone today is faced with the problems of maintaining and maintaining warm family relationships. It often happens that the longer the time of cohabitation of partners, the sharper the disagreements, conflicts, emotional reactions to each other. The family is the most important social institution that affects both the individual and society as a whole. It is characterized by a rather difficult relationship between two different individuals.

Family relationships

Each family is a small socio-psychological collective or group based on personal and trusting relationships between two spouses, their parents and children. Its structure, social activity, moral and psychological climate depend not only on conditions of a total nature, patterns and general circumstances, but also on specific situations that form a family.

The psychology of family relations depends on the circumstances in which the formed unit of society lives and functions. Among them, the level of education of both spouses, their culture, values, morality, traditions, places of residence, morality, etc. are distinguished. The ability of spouses to unite and consolidate depends on these conditions. They leave an indelible imprint on the nature of family relationships, determine the specifics of such relationships.

Problems in the family, the dynamics of relationships, the reasons for divorce, loneliness in family relationships, family education - these and other issues are studied by the psychology of the family and family relations.

The average family usually consists of 3-4 people. Its core is spouses and their children. Often newly formed families live together with the parents of one of the partners. Each member of the family is characterized by being in continuous interaction with the rest of its members, plays a certain role in the family, worries about meeting some of the needs of the family as a whole or individually, as well as the interests of society. The personal qualities of partners, the nature of their relationship, determine the specifics of the implementation of the functions inherent in the family and its appearance.

Communication interaction in the family ensures the purposefulness and coherence of the efforts of partners to achieve certain goals that are vital for the family, to meet the individual need of a person in spiritual unity with a loved one. Spiritual relationships of spouses are an integral part of intimate ones.

The family, in a broad sense, is a socio-economic unit of society, which is characterized by the joint maintenance of household life and the family budget, various kinds of services are consumed, the needs for food, housing, clothing, etc. are met. The implementation of this economic function lies with both spouses . Deep mastery of the chosen professions guarantees stable wages to partners, and material wealth to the family.

Cultural leisure and education are the most important functions of the cell of society. Family leisure consists in creating a special atmosphere of warmth that allows the individual to fully open up and realize himself. The educational function is to take care of children and the older generation. It is on family upbringing that the child will grow up and whether he will be able to fully develop his personality and realize himself. It is also the responsibility of parents to protect the interests and rights of children, to take care of their spiritual, physical and mental development.

The psychology of family relations, as science notes, that with the progressive development of civilization, a number of disturbing trends are observed that indicate destructive circumstances in family life affecting marital and parent-child relationships. Such negative trends are associated with socio-economic circumstances: instability of the social system, employment problems, low living standards, changes in the traditional role structure of the family and the division of functions between partners.

The number of dysfunctional families has sharply increased, which are characterized by one of the partners or both (alcoholism, drug addiction,), a disorder of communication interaction, unsatisfied needs of partners for love, respect and recognition. All this causes a sharp increase in emotional and personality disorders of individuals, tension, anxiety, depressive states, loss of a sense of love, impaired personal growth.

Another no less alarming trend is the decline in the birth rate and the increase in the number of families with one child, which leads to a violation of the communicative competence of children who grow up in such families. The increase in the number of divorces is also a serious problem in modern society.

The psychology of family relations is designed to solve these problems, help spouses interact competently in family relationships, and show how healthy family relationships should develop after the birth of a child.

There is the following classification of behavior in the marriage of partners, proposed by Seiger:

- equal behavior is characterized by the expectation of equal duties and rights;

- romantic behavior is characterized by the expectation of spiritual harmony, strong love, sentimentality;

- parental behavior is characterized by the pleasure of taking care of another partner, educating him;

- children's behavior is characterized by the introduction of spontaneity, joy and spontaneity into marital relations, but along with this acquisition of power over another partner through the manifestation of helplessness and weakness;

- rational behavior is characterized by monitoring the manifestation of emotions, feelings, while accurately observing the rights and obligations of each other, responsibility and sobriety in evaluation;

- comradely behavior is characterized by the desire to become an ally to the spouse and the search for the same partner. The comradely type of spouse does not pretend to romantic feelings and perceives the everyday hardships of family relationships as inevitable;

- independent behavior is characterized by maintaining a certain distance in marriage relative to your partner.

There is also a classification of marriage profiles: complementary, meta-complementary and symmetrical profile.

In a symmetrical marriage, both partners have equal rights and obligations, no one is subordinate to the other. All problems in such a marriage are resolved through agreement or compromise.

In a complementary marriage, one partner always dominates, and the second obeys, waiting for instructions.

In a meta-complementary marriage, a dominant position is reached by a partner who achieves his goals by emphasizing his own weaknesses, ineptitude or impotence, while manipulating the partner with the help of such behavior.

Each family, regardless of the manner of building relationships, has certain crises of family relations over the years.

The psychology of family relations is aimed at helping people overcome such crises without loss for themselves, it teaches individuals how to diversify modern family relations in order to avoid divorce.

Family law relations

Family legal relations are called property or non-property relationships, due to family law and regulated by family law, in rare cases, civil law. In family law relations, all participants in the process are legally interconnected by the presence of common subjective duties and rights. They arise as a result of the influence of family law on social relations.

Family legal relations of a different nature can be regulated, in addition to the norms of family law, by other branches of law. Based on the content of family legal relations, they can be divided into personal and property.

Depending on the specifics of the content, they are divided into marital and parental. If we take the subject composition as a basis, then family legal relations are divided into complex and simple. Complex legal relations, which consist of three participants in the process, in turn, are divided into relationships between parents and their adult children, parents and their minor children. Simple relationships are those that consist of two participants, and are between two spouses and between former spouses.

Based on the division of rights and obligations, family legal relations are differentiated into unilateral and bilateral.

By the extent to which family legal relations are individualized, they are relative and absolute. Relative - this is when absolutely all participants in the process are identified by name. Absolute - only one side of legal relations is individualized.

Based on the presence of public interest, family law relations are divided into imperatively regulated and relations characterized by public interest and the absence of such interest.

Legal relations regulated imperatively are observed during adoption. Legal relations characterized by public interest are observed in alimony relations. In such relations, the exercise of rights and obligations, the initiative of protection belongs to the participants in the process. Relations characterized by the absence of public interest are realized only on a dispositive basis.

Personal legal relations between all family members are considered the main ones in family law. It is they, for the most part, that determine the content of property family law relations. Based on this, it should be concluded that the content of family legal relations includes the rights and obligations of absolutely all subjects of such legal relations. The specification of rights and obligations, their scope are contained in the rules of family law, which regulate family relationships, such as the conclusion of a marriage union and its termination, personal and property relationships between partners, maintenance relationships between all family members, between parents and children, between adoptive parents and adopted children. and so on.

The subjects of family law relations are their participants, who have family rights and bear obligations.

In order to differentiate family legal relations from family relations that are not regulated by law, on the one hand, and on the other, from other legal relations, their following specific features should be distinguished. First, absolutely all family-legal relations are of a continuing nature. The second is that personal non-property family relationships are decisive and express a significant impact on property relations not by number, but by significance. Thirdly, family-legal relations stem from family relationships that are listed in the legislation, this is what the subject composition of the participants in the process intends.

Family-law relations are considered only legal relations between members of the same family. Other legal relations are administrative-legal or procedural. Regarding the relationship between individuals who only intend to marry, but have not yet registered it, it is generally accepted that no legal relationship arises between them at all.

Marriage and family relations

Marriage and family relations are a rather complex structure of modern society. According to official statistics, more than half of recorded marriages fail. However, it is difficult to name specific problems of marital relationships, because. Every family has its own reasons for divorce.

There are several main types of marriage and family relationships. Depending on the type of relations established in the newly formed family, one can judge the duration of the marriage, family relations, and how the formed unit of society will develop.

The psychology of family relations, based on family experience, divides marriage unions into newlyweds, a young family, a family expecting a child, a middle-aged family, older and older marital ages.

Newlyweds are individuals who are in euphoria after the wedding celebration, they still do not know what pitfalls await them on the path of living together and do not think that someday they will face the question “how to improve family relations”.

A young family is characterized by the understanding that love alone is not enough to build a strong marriage, that care, trust and mutual understanding are important in relationships.

The family in anticipation of the first child is characterized by serious changes in relationships, the formation of a new way of life.

Family relationships of middle age (about 10 years together) are characterized by the emergence of routine, all sorts of conflicts. This period is the need to revise the usual way of life and add new joint interests to it in order to preserve the family and previous relationships. Here the question “how to diversify family relations” becomes relevant.

The older family is characterized by the coming to the fore of joint interests and the ability to negotiate.

An elderly family is characterized by the appearance of grandchildren, a second wind opens up, a new interest appears - interest in grandchildren.

Depending on the number of children, families are childless (about 16% of all families), one-child (50%), small children (2 children) and large families (more than 2 children).

Based on their qualities of family relationships, marriages are stable, prosperous, conflict, problematic and socially disadvantaged. Also, families are complete and incomplete (absent for some reason one of the parents).

The psychology of family relations highlights some factors that have a destructive effect on marriage and family relations. These include:

- conflict relationships or family breakdown of the parents of one of the partners or both;

- living together with parents in their living space;

- interference of parents in the relationship of spouses;

- the use either by both partners, or by one of them of alcoholic beverages, drugs;

- numerous betrayals and lack of trust;

- any addictions of a negative nature of both of the spouses or one (for example, craving for gambling);

- forced separation of partners (for example, rotational work or long business trips);

- excessive professional employment of the wife (such a family is called "bicareer");

- early or late marriage;

- marriage "by flight" (such a marriage is called "stimulated");

- the birth of the first child in the first 1-2 years of marriage;

- high conflict level of both partners;

- the inability to have children for any reason or the infertility of one of the partners;

- physical exhaustion or constant overload due to study or work;

- excessive selfishness of one or both partners;

- unrealistic expectations.

How to improve family relationships? This question has been worrying psychologists, sociologists and ordinary people who are getting married for decades. To save relationships, you should discuss them together, initially distribute responsibilities, determine all “possible” and “impossible”, not involve other people in relationships (whether relatives or not). There is an opinion that as soon as family problems become the property of society, the family begins to crumble at an accelerated pace.

The psychology of family relations notes that any family relationship has certain crises over the years, which occur at certain intervals. The first crisis occurs in the first year of the life of the newlyweds, the next in the third, then in the fifth, seventh, tenth, and then every 10 years.

Family relationship crises

Scientists have established the fact that people who marry by mutual agreement, and not by love, are much easier to overcome the crises of family life.

The birth of a family or the crisis of the first year of marriage of spouses. Probably, every person, at least once in his life, wondered why all fairy tales end with the wedding of the main characters and not one of them tells about their future life together. This is due to the fact that after a wedding celebration, after some time, difficulties are just beginning. Two completely different creatures, one of which is a man and the other a woman, begin to live under the same roof and run a joint household. With all this, each of them is already accustomed to a certain way of life. And although this stage is always characterized by an enthusiastic attitude, it often ends in disappointment, as expectations were not realized. However, if the partners consciously and deliberately made the decision to marry, there will be no particular difficulties in the first year of marriage. In this period, you should learn to talk with a partner, listen to him and hear. This period is always characterized by grinding partners to each other. Rose-colored glasses gradually disappear through the prism of which we saw the spouse, and it turns out that he is not at all ideal, but an ordinary person with his weaknesses, shortcomings and virtues.

For some couples, the crisis does not occur in the first year of life, but already in the third. It all depends on the individual character traits of the spouses, on the behavior of the parental families. In this period, you need to learn to respect your partner, and also to realize that all people have flaws, that the ideal ones simply do not exist. Although family problems in a relationship exist inseparably from each other, there are still no insurmountable obstacles in the way of two loving hearts.

The crisis of five years is characterized by the appearance of the first child in the family. Both parents are extremely happy about this, but they were far from imagining everything related to caring for the baby. This period is characterized by chronic sleep deprivation. Along with this, a man suffers from a lack of attention and affection from his wife, and a woman suffers from a riot of hormones that make a previously calm and reasonable lady transform into a vixen.

Family relationships after the birth of a child are among the most difficult, they show some alienation and cooling of partners towards each other. During this period, it is recommended to involve grandmothers or qualified nannies in the upbringing of the baby. It is necessary to distribute responsibilities so that a woman can rest. Caring for the baby should be the responsibility of both parents, and not just the woman.

The next crisis occurs in the seventh year of the partners' life together. These two significant dates are considered one of the most difficult periods of family life. The child is already old enough to be sent to kindergarten. The woman, feeling like a driven horse, who saw nothing but the kitchen, strives to go to work. It doesn't matter which one, as long as you don't sit at home. However, household chores remain a heavy burden on her shoulders. With employment, she will have to combine not only life, caring for her husband and child, but also her new job. At this stage, a compromise must be sought precisely by the strong half.

Ten years of living together is characterized by well-established life, intimate and spiritual relationships, communication, work. At this stage, the woman becomes the party initiating the divorce more often. The spouses were already fed up, and a little tired of each other. Most husbands complain that their wives stopped sharing their hobbies with him, began to ignore romantic impulses, which leads to the appearance of connections on the side. Young mistresses allow men to feel like young conquering hunters again. However, with all this, men do not even think about divorce. With the threat of exposing a vicious relationship, he easily breaks up with his mistress in order to start a new one after a while. For men, it is quite difficult to destroy an established life, a comfortable lifestyle, a family. They too appreciate their strength, which they spent on creating a family. In this period, you need to understand, be aware of the problems that have arisen and throw all your strength into the fight against monotony and monotony in order to save the family.

The psychology of family relations notes that the next crisis is associated with the maturation of children. They are already quite adults, they have their own interests, they no longer need parental care so much. An empty house in an instant causes a feeling of loss, uselessness, uselessness, emptiness and many other similar emotions. In order to take control over them, you should soberly assess the situation that has arisen and do everything possible to extract maximum satisfaction from it. First, you need to understand that life does not end with the departure of children from home. On the contrary, it opens up new opportunities for personal realization. Also, this period is characterized by the feeling that everything has been achieved in professional activity and there is nowhere to strive further.

How to diversify family relationships? At this stage, you need to try to find new life tasks and re-learn how to live with each other. You need to understand that maintaining relationships is everyday hard and hard work, which should have a joint focus. This means that the family will survive only if both spouses want it together and jointly direct efforts to achieve the goal.

Family relationships and problems at this stage are to rethink your attitude towards others and your partner. Psychologists give several general models of behavior in the event of a crisis. First, you should never, as they say, "bite the bit." Compromise is the ideal way out of any problematic situation. Secondly, under no circumstances should you insult your partner as a person. If you blame your spouse for something, then you should avoid wording such as "you always ...". It’s better to stick to phrases like “I feel bad when you…”, “I feel sad to spend my evenings without you”, etc. Any conflicts should be resolved without outsiders. Thirdly, each of the spouses should have personal space. Fourth, try to show interest in each other's hobbies.

The psychology of family relationships emphasizes that a crisis in relationships, regardless of when it came, is another step forward, an opportunity to go beyond the boundaries of previous relationships.

A crisis in a relationship is helping partners to realize not only the negative, but also the good, valuable that will unite and connect them. But the breakup of the family is a consequence of an incorrectly passed crisis. Never demand or insist on anything. Try to support your partner in everything. Don't sacrifice yourself for your spouse. And even more so, you should not reproach your partner with what you did for him, but he did not appreciate it. Remember, after all, you made sacrifices consciously, no one asked you about it.

The most important thing for overcoming any crises of family life is never to hush up a problem situation. We need to learn how to communicate with each other the current situation. The position of the ostrich will not work here. If you do not look for a way out of problem situations, the problems will only get worse. Do not think that the crisis itself has come and will go away.

Sometimes it is not superfluous to take a break from each other. Many psychologists believe that even passionately loving people should spend at least two weeks a year separately from each other. If there is a desire to maintain a relationship, and it is not possible to overcome a heap of problems that have fallen on your own, then you can seek professional psychological help.

On the other hand, if problems cannot be solved, maybe you need to look at the situation from a different angle? Ask yourself the question: is this woman (man) really suitable for you. And give yourself an honest answer to it.

Anton Pavlovich Chekhov

Family psychology is a branch of psychology that studies the essence and evolution of family relationships, the features of their emergence, formation, stabilization and disintegration, as well as a number of other issues related to family and family life. Family psychology is an extremely important section of psychology for most people, because for many of us the family is one of the basic values ​​on which our happiness depends. Building a good, strong, friendly family and developing all the relationships in it to a fairly high level is very difficult. Therefore, family psychology should be studied by every person who has or wants to start a family. The study of family psychology is a serious and very significant contribution to one's life, since a good, happy family is a reliable support for any person, thanks to which he can overcome any life difficulties and hardships. In this article, I will tell you about the most important, from my point of view, points for which it makes sense for you to be interested in family psychology, and even better to seriously study it. So if you, like me, are among those who adhere to family values ​​​​and value them, then take the time to read this article. It will help you pay attention to the most important aspects of family life.

Conflicts

One of the subjects of study of family psychology is conflicts. Since the family is a rather complex system, especially if the family is large, consisting of people of different generations, then taking into account human nature, it is quite obvious that conflicts cannot be avoided in it. Family conflicts are a common thing, another thing is that they can proceed in different ways, and depending on the behavior of the people taking part in them, the same conflicts lead to different consequences. Unfortunately, most people are not properly prepared for such conflicts. Usually we behave the way our parents behaved in similar situations, whose family life we ​​observed in childhood, which is fundamentally wrong. And not only because our own life situations may be just similar to those in which our parents were, but by no means identical, but also because many parents fail to set the right example of behavior in conflict situations for their children. Therefore, many people do not know how to behave correctly in a particular conflict situation, but often think they know. Well, if people at least turn to psychologists for help to resolve such conflicts, then they have the opportunity to avoid negative consequences from them. But some of them make a decision about how to act in the event of a particular conflict, being completely sure that they are right, before contacting a specialist, or do not consider it necessary to contact someone at all. It is quite obvious that without a positive experience in resolving family conflicts, such people only harm their lives, because their decisions often turn out to be wrong, especially in the long run.

Family psychology can not only teach people how to behave in a conflict situation in the family, but it also teaches how to prevent such conflicts. Suffice it to say that readiness for family conflicts in itself significantly reduces their severity. When a person understands, even before the creation of a family and before the conflict in it, what possible conflict situations he will face with a very high degree of probability, then he is morally more or less ready for them. Therefore, there will be no catastrophe for him if something suddenly goes wrong in his family, if at least unwanted, but not unforeseen problems arise in it. He will already have at least a rough idea of ​​​​what and how to do to resolve the conflict. So if you do not want to seek help from psychologists, for one reason or another, you yourself become psychologists for yourself and your family, by studying family psychology. You never know what disagreements can arise in a family, especially in a young one, not tempered by difficulties and trials. You need to be prepared for all this in advance, not flattering yourself with the hope that everything will be different in your family, that you will never have any problems, scandals, conflicts, disagreements. It happens in life, and I will even say so, everything should happen - both good and bad. So you need to be prepared for everything, including family conflicts. Family psychology, if you carefully study it, will prepare you for them.

Responsibility

The next point to which the psychology of the family pays its attention and which I consider very important is responsibility. Personally, it is difficult for me to imagine a normal, at least more or less, family, which would consist entirely of irresponsible people. Such families, of course, exist, but it is difficult to call them families, let alone normal, prosperous ones, because life in them is extremely stressful and unpredictable. Even when only one of the family members, one of the spouses, is an irresponsible person, the problems of such a family are guaranteed. And there are many such families in which one or both spouses are irresponsible people, believe me. Why does this happen, why is irresponsibility in families quite common? The thing is that some, and possibly many people, as it were, do not grow up to family life. Well, you know how it happens - you still want to take a walk, have fun, do different things that you don’t want to do when you have a family, but here you need to somehow control yourself, limit yourself in some way, bear responsibility, at least for themselves, not to mention other family members, deal with household issues, and so on. You understand - these are completely different lives. Life without a family and family life is like heaven and earth. And after all, one must prepare for family life, the same responsibility is brought up in a person from childhood, or rather, it should be brought up, but not always brought up.

On the other hand, egoism is very well developed in some people, not the one that is healthy, but the one that is childish, capricious, unreasonable egoism. And although children also have good altruism, which is not found in any adult, yet much more often they behave extremely selfishly, completely ignoring the desires, needs and problems of other people. And if a person does not grow out of all this, then the selfishness of his character affects his family life extremely negatively. It is enough to look at divorce statistics to understand that something is clearly wrong with our upbringing, or with culture, especially when you consider that many divorces occur due to the fact that people cannot agree with each other, and they cannot. do because they do not want to make concessions to each other. Thus, realizing the importance of a responsible approach to family life, a person can prepare himself for it by paying his attention not only to what family psychology teaches, but also to his personal qualities, his egoism, which must be moderated so that the family does not suffer from for him, and so that the person himself does not suffer because of him. After all, few people want to deal with selfish people, let alone live, even when these people are very charismatic and charming. Exceptions in which one of the spouses suffers because of the selfishness of the other do not count. I do not consider such families successful. The family should please a person, should make him happy, and not be a punishment for him.

Confidence

The next thing to say about family and family psychology is trust. Do I need to tell you that it must be present in a family, that without people's trust in each other, there will be no good family? As my experience tells me, this should not only be talked about, but also constantly repeated so that people who have a family or plan to start one try to do everything in their power to establish the most trusting relationship with their partner. It would seem, well, what kind of call is this, because if people want to create a good family, they already understand this very well, and those who don’t care what exactly they create, they don’t care about trust. However, as I have often observed, many people do not fully understand what trust between people should be and what it is based on. They seem to want to trust and want to be trusted, but they behave in such a way that by their actions they destroy all the partner’s trust in themselves, and their trust in the partner. After all, even a small, but very painful lie can undermine trust in a person for a very long time. And vice versa - if you unreasonably distrust your partner, suspect him of everything and constantly check - you thereby demonstrate your unfriendly attitude towards him. You yourself give your partner a reason to deceive you by unreasonably distrusting him. Because people become for us what we see in them.

This does not mean that you need to recklessly trust your soulmate, but your distrust, firstly, should not be demonstrative, and secondly, it should be based on irrefutable evidence, and not on any kind of speculation. How many families suffered only because one of the spouses had a not quite healthy imagination, because of which he saw deceit everywhere and in everything. So you need to be careful with this, because no one likes to be accused of something unreasonably and unfairly. And of course, you need to watch your own actions so as not to undermine your confidence. After all, how often have I dealt with people who wanted their husband or wife to trust them, when many of their actions seriously undermined this very trust. People, of course, are different, some have a short memory, others have a long one, and still others, as they say, are completely vindictive, so that everyone has a different attitude to the treacherous acts of other people, especially people close to him. But still, most of us - resentment and betrayal remember for a very long time. That is why they say that it is very difficult to win the trust of people - it takes years. But you can lose it in an instant. So family trust plays a very important role. And not only in the family, but in life in general.

Relationships between spouses

Also in the field of view of family psychology is such an area of ​​​​knowledge as the relationship between spouses. Actually, part of these relations are, among other things, the points I have already described above - conflicts, responsibility, trust. But not only. It is important to understand here that the relationship between spouses is a special form of relationship. And the main feature of these relationships is that married people have certain obligations to each other. There are relationships without obligations, they have their pros and cons, but basically, when we talk about family relationships, these are relationships with obligations. But these obligations, you understand, should not so much be stipulated by law and set out on paper as they should be in the minds of people who must voluntarily assume them. I think it is wrong for the state to interfere in your family relations so that with the help of laws, that is, legitimate violence, to resolve your issues with your husband or wife. Although often you can’t do without it, because people sometimes even make marriage contracts, because they are not sure of each other. However, I believe that without the voluntary assumption of certain obligations, no laws will prevent a person from harming his soulmate, his family. After all, any laws can be circumvented. So you either want to bear certain obligations to your spouse and to your family, or maybe you don’t need a family as such at all, and you shouldn’t torture yourself and other people by entering into a legal marriage.

People, of course, agree to live with each other on different conditions, and the family may not be at all the same as we are used to seeing it. But nevertheless, the family is a family and the people in it are not strangers to each other. Therefore, they still need to bear some obligations to each other, and on a voluntary basis, which means that they need to respect and appreciate each other, and preferably also love.

In addition, there is another interesting point in the relationship between spouses - this is their use of each other. Which, in general, complements the above. I think that I won’t surprise anyone if I say that some people have a so-called consumer attitude towards their husbands and wives, and they look at them, not so much as people, but as a source of some benefits or as a means achieving one or another of their goals. We are not even talking about a marriage of convenience, because the calculation can be different, including quite noble, not in the least contradicting such a feeling as love, we are talking about this type of people who see in their husbands and wives just one more thing they need, their property, which they consider the right to dispose of as they please. I think you, if you haven’t personally encountered this, then at least heard about such relationships, when either a wife for a husband is a thing, a kind of toy, or a husband for a wife is nothing more than a thing, so to speak, henpecked or just a breadwinner.

So I would like to warn some of you, dear readers, that such extremely unequal relationships between spouses, as a rule, do not make people happy. Moreover, such relations are harmful not only for the exploited person, but often for the exploiter, because violence against people significantly worsens them, it kills the personality in them. With such husbands and wives who have been turned into a thing, there can be a lot of problems. So, my advice to you - look for, create an equal relationship with another person with whom you plan to start a family - this is the best option. This, of course, is a good option if you are interested in normal, standard family relationships, with all their pluses and minuses, and not something else.

Readiness for family life

Thus, dear friends, in order to solve, or even better, avoid the above and all other family problems, it is extremely important to prepare a person for family life. The readiness of young people to form a family also falls into the field of view of family psychology. You can't be good at something without learning it. But what does it mean to prepare for family life? This means that young people should know much more about such a life than they know about it, mainly by observing the relationship of their parents, who, as a rule, are the only example of family life for them. And we all know that some parents set an extremely negative example for their children. Naturally, if young people live in exemplary families in which everyone respects each other, in which everyone is happy, then they not only can, but also need to take an example from their parents. But according to my and not only my observations, there are not very many prosperous families in our society, therefore, in order for the apple to roll away from the apple tree, that is, in order not to make the mistakes of their parents, young people must learn all the subtleties of family life in other ways, including including through communication with experts on the subject. Then they will properly prepare for this life and create a good, friendly, strong family in which everyone will be happy.

In general, dear readers, a lot in your life, including family life, will depend on your value system. Those people for whom the family is important will learn everything they need to know about the family and family life, including through the study of family psychology. And those for whom the family is of no value, probably did not even read up to these lines. We always pay maximum attention to what is important and valuable to us, so the readiness for family life largely depends on the values ​​that we adhere to. Take a closer look at yourself and other people - see what is important for you and for them, what you and they pay the most attention to. This way you will know how ready you and other people, for example, your potential spouse, can be for family life.

And in order to understand what a family is - a good, happy family, and how valuable it can be for you - you need, firstly, to learn as much as possible about a good family life, from a variety of sources, and secondly, to compare this value with other values, so that you understand what is best for you. For only knowing about different values ​​and being able to compare them with each other - you can choose the best for yourself, choose what you really need.

How happy the young people are at the wedding, how happy they are that they met each other. Everyone wishes them: “Advice and love!” And the people who lived together say: “Patience to you!” Young - again: "Love you, love!" And those who have already lived: “Patience to you!”

It always surprised me at a wedding. “What kind of patience are they talking about? - I thought, - Love, love! And so I want those couples who create a family to be happy. So I want their happiness to be preserved for life.

Have I seen such families? I saw! And not only in photographs of the royal family. It is possible, but it has become rare. Why? Not ready. We now very often have the following attitude: “Take everything from life! Make the most of today! Don't think about tomorrow."

Family is something else. The family presupposes sacrificial love. It involves the ability to listen to another person, to sacrifice something for the sake of another. This goes against the grain of what the media is now suggesting. Now the maximum that is said: "they began to live and make good." And that's it. Good to live! How to treat each other in family life? Unclear. We'll see how it goes.

Why does a young family begin to fall apart? What is she facing, what are the challenges?

Trying out new statuses

Before marriage, during the so-called "conquering period", young people are always in a good mood, look good, smile, and are very friendly. When they have already signed, they see each other every day as they are in real life.

I remember how one psychologist said this: "It is impossible for a person to walk on his toes all his life." In the premarital period, he walks on tiptoes. But in the family, if a person walks on tiptoes all the time, sooner or later his muscles will cramp. And he will still be forced to stand on his full foot, start walking as usual. It turns out that after marriage, people behave as usual, which means that not only the best things begin to appear in our character, but also the bad that, unfortunately, happens in our character, which we ourselves would like to get rid of. And at this moment, when a person becomes real, and not like standing in a shop window, some difficulties arise.

But it is not normal for a person to always be in a blissful state. That is, loving people begin to see each other in different states: in joy, in anger, and looking great, and not very much. And it happens in a rumpled bathrobe, and it happens in sweatpants. If earlier a woman always looked beautiful, then after marriage, in the presence of her husband, she begins to bring beauty and the like. That is, those things that were previously hidden became visible. There is irritation, and in a sense, disappointment. Why was there a fairy tale before, and now gray everyday life has come? But that's okay! There was simply no need to create castles in the air.

Now you need to understand, to accept a person completely as he is. With its merits, and with its shortcomings. At the moment when a person begins to show not only his virtues, but also his shortcomings, new roles of husband and wife appear. And this state is completely new for a person who has just entered into a marriage union. Of course, before marriage, before marriage, each person imagined what kind of husband or wife he would be, what kind of father or mother he would be. But this is at the level of mere ideas, ideals. Being married, a person behaves as it turns out. And compliance with the ideal is either obtained or not obtained. Of course, not everything works out in the best way from the very beginning.

For clarity, I will give an example. One woman said very wisely: “There is no such person who would get on figure skates for the first time and immediately go and begin to perform complex elements.” Well, that doesn't happen. He will definitely fall and fill bumps. It's the same with starting a family. People entered into an alliance and immediately became the best husband and wife in the world. That doesn't happen. You still have to endure pain, and fall, and cry. But you have to get up. That's life. This is fine.

The husband is expected to behave differently than the groom. And the wife is also expected to behave differently than the bride. Please note that even the manifestation of love should be different in the family from the manifestation of love in premarital relationships. Answer this question for yourself - if the groom puts a bouquet of flowers to his bride before marriage, climbing up the drainpipe to the third floor, how will this be perceived by other people? “Wow, how he loves her, he just lost his head from love!” Now imagine that the husband who has the key to this apartment does the same. He climbs up to the third floor to put a bouquet of flowers. In this case, everyone will say: "He's kind of strange." In the second case, this will be perceived not as a virtue, but as an oddity of his thinking. Think if he is sick.

It would seem a trifle, how to present a bouquet of flowers. But the expectations from the groom and from the husband are completely different. Why? Yes, because love is something in marriage, it is completely different. Here everything is more serious, more demanding, tolerance, prudence, calmness should be shown much more. Completely different qualities are expected. Returning to the original question, premarital relationships and the beginning of family life are completely different stages in the life of a family. But the beginning of a family, it seems to me, is more interesting, because this is already real life. Premarital relations are a preparation for a fairy tale, and family life is already a fairy tale beginning. Which will be happy or unhappy, but it's up to you.

The difference between a man and a woman in understanding love and family

A man and a woman feel differently at the very beginning of family life. Many women have a desire to maintain the style of premarital relations, so that a man always compliments them, gives them flowers, gifts. Then she believes that he truly loves her. And if he does not give gifts, does not say compliments, a suspicion arises: "Probably fell out of love." And the young wife begins to peer into him, to ask questions. And the man does not understand why the woman is so restless, what happened.

When psychologists began to study this issue, it turned out that at any stage in the development of a family, it is important for a woman that a man say something good and kind to her. A woman is so arranged that she needs verbal support. And men are more rational. And when men are asked about the faded feelings, they are surprised, and most say so: “But we signed, the fact is. After all, this is the most important proof of love. It's clear, what else is there to say?

That is, a different approach for men and women. A woman needs proof every day. And so the man does not understand what happens to her every day. But after all, it costs him nothing to bring and give a flower. And the woman will blossom after that, the mountains will turn! It is important to her, but the man does not reach. One man said that when a woman gets angry, he does not attack her, but says to her: “Despite the fact that you are angry, I still love you. You are so beautiful!” What happens to the woman? She melts and says, "It's impossible to talk seriously with you." You just need to feel each other and say the necessary words. Since a woman is more emotional, you need to give her this emotional support.

They began to look further, and it turned out that even the very concept of “love and be together” is understood by a man and a woman in different ways. There is such a family of psychologists, husband and wife Kronik. They explored how men and women understand what it means to be together. When concluding a marriage, a man and a woman say: “I marry for love. I love this person. And I want to always be with him.” It would seem that we speak the same language, we pronounce the same thing. But it turns out that a man and a woman put different meanings into these words. Which?

The first and most common. When a woman says "to love and be together", her representation can be depicted in the form of the following model. If you draw circles (they are called Eller circles): one circle and inside it a shaded second circle. This is what it means for a woman to be together. She tries to be in the center of the life of her beloved man. Such women often say: "I love you so much that if you are not in my life, then it loses its meaning." This is the same type of relationship when a woman in family life begins to cry or runs to a psychologist. She doesn't understand what's going on. “But we agreed to be together,” she says.

If you look from an Orthodox point of view, the law is violated here: in the Gospel it is written "Do not make an idol for yourself." This woman makes her husband not just a husband and a loved one, she puts him above God. She says to him, “You are everything to me.” This is a violation of the spiritual law!

From a psychological point of view, such a woman takes the role of a mother in these relationships, and makes a child out of her husband. She re-educates her husband to the level of a capricious child. “Watch how I cook. You have porridge, you have soup. Look how good I clean. How about this or this? You only love me! And let me rock you, I'll sing a song. And the man gradually from the head of the family becomes a child. Who would refuse to be carried in their arms?

Several years pass, and the woman begins to scream: “I gave you my whole life, and you are ungrateful!” “Listen,” the man says, “I didn’t ask you to do this.” And he is absolutely right. She grabbed him in her arms, carried him, and then burst into tears. Who is to blame here? A man should be the head of the family, and the wife should behave in such a way that he feels like the Head. She should not raise a capricious child out of him. You have to know how to love!

The second type of family, common in godless Russia, depicted with the help of Eller's circles. One shaded circle. Style "do not leave a step from me, and I will not leave you." This family is like a prison. Once, in a student sketch, one student described this situation as follows: the wife, as it were, says to her husband, “To the leg, to the leg!” She says this to the head of the family, her husband! But he's not a dog! Why "to the foot"? At the same time, a woman comes to a family consultation and says: “You know, I suffer so much, and he is so ungrateful. He doesn't appreciate me at all! At the same time, she sincerely believes that she is suffering. And she does not understand that her strongest love is for herself. The attitude towards the husband is humiliating, not as to the head of the family, but as to the one to whom you can say “Silence!” and "To the foot!"

The next version of love and interpretation of the concept of "being together." This option is the most normal and humane. If you depict relationships as wedding rings, they will overlap each other a little. That is, the husband and wife are together, but not like in the second case, when the family is like a prison. Here the woman understands that her husband is an independent person, he has the right to his experiences, his actions. They do not always have to walk toe to toe and look in one direction, there must be respect for each other, trust. If a man is not at home for some time, this does not mean that he is doing something indecent. No need to tell him “Where have you been? .. And now again, but honestly!” There must be a certain freedom, trust in each other. And a woman feels more comfortable, comfortable when a man is not always in front of her eyes. I want to pay attention, love is still giving another person the opportunity to do something without you. From this, the other person does not become a stranger, from this he grows up, he gains new information, his life becomes richer. A person communicates at his work, he reads books that he likes. Having processed all this, he becomes more interesting in the family, becomes more mature.

Now let's see how men understand what it means to be together. It turned out that the most common option is the following. If you draw two circles, then they will be at a distance from each other, and will be united by something in common: basically, a man and a woman are united by their place of residence (apartment). What does it mean? The man is more independent. He needs more freedom in life. This does not mean that he is not a domestic person. A man appreciates family life very much. He just needs a normal environment in the family. He does not need a hysterical wife, rushing about, who sees her life in raising her husband as a student. He doesn’t need the one who reproaches all her life, and then says, “Why don’t you appreciate me?”

This misunderstanding between a man and a woman, when they understand differently what “being together” means, is felt especially sharply in the first year of marriage. Because of this, women suffer more often. Therefore, I turn to them. If a man is not always in front of your eyes, do not take it as a tragedy. Moreover, a man must necessarily assert himself at work. If he asserts himself in work, in his profession, he becomes much softer in the family. If something does not work out for him at work, then he behaves tougher in the family. Therefore, do not be jealous of his work. This is also a mistake. Husband and wife should not breathe in and out at the same time. And in life, too, everyone should have their own rhythm, but they should be together. Unity should occur at the level of trust and respect for the other person.

I sometimes suggest to some women: “Imagine that a man would tell you trouble from morning to evening, teach you something from morning to evening.” Such things never occur to women. Women do not understand at all that she is not a teacher in the family, and her husband is not a loser. Quite the contrary: he is the head of the family, and she should be his assistant. Teaching him is not according to the commandments, it is a violation of spiritual laws.

There are physical laws and there are spiritual ones. Both those and others are God's. Both those and others are not cancelled. There is a law of universal earth gravity. A stone is thrown, it must fall to the ground. A heavy stone is thrown, it will hit very hard. The same is true of spiritual laws. Whether we know them or not, they still work. The elders write that "The dominion of a woman over a man is a blasphemy against God," theomachism. If a woman does not behave according to the commandments, she will suffer. Women, beware! Start acting like you're supposed to. Everything will come to life and line up as it should.

Monotone

In the first year of family life, there is such a difficulty as monotony. If, before marriage, they met occasionally with each other, there were dates, and at that time both were in high spirits, everything was festive. In family life, it turns out that they see each other every day. And they already see everyone, both in a good mood and in a bad one, they see ironed, ironed and not ironed at all. As a result of monotony, monotony, emotional fatigue accumulates. You have to learn how to celebrate. Just drop everything and go out of town together. Another environment, nature, and you both calmed down. Just a change of mind. And when people return from such a trip, everything is already different. Many problems no longer seem as global as before, and everything is simpler. The most important thing is that it be together, and that they rest together, throw off this monotony, get rid of the monotony.

Minor hypertrophy

As a result of monotony, emotional fatigue sets in, the so-called “hypertrophy of small things” begins. That is, trifles begin to annoy.

A woman is annoyed that a man, returning home, does not hang his jacket on a coat hanger, but throws it somewhere. Another woman is annoyed that toothpaste is squeezed out not in the middle, but from above or below (that is, not where she is used to). And it starts to irritate to a nervous chill. A man also begins to annoy some things. For example, why is she talking on the phone for so long. And before marriage, it touched him. “Wow, how sociable she is, how they love her, how many people are drawn to her, and she chose me.” In marriage, the same thing irritates to a nervous tremor. “What can you talk about for so many hours on the phone? he asks. - No, you tell me - about what? When married couples come for a consultation, you see that they are not ready for a compromise, they can hardly restrain themselves physically. Husband and wife often turn to each other with the question: “Do you understand that these are trifles? Well, if it's not that important, why is it so hard for you to give in to me?"

First, the attitude that someone else has to realign for me is not a smart attitude. Even in ancient times, people said, "If you want to be happy, be happy." This does not mean that the whole world should be rebuilt for the sake of our convenience. There must be elementary patience and self-control. Well, what difference does it make how the man squeezed out the paste? It's not a global tragedy that he hung his clothes on a chair and not on a hanger. You can react differently without getting hysterical.

What else is starting to happen? There is a need to run a business. If earlier at home it was possible to do nothing, or to do occasionally, because you were a child, now everything turned out differently. Previously, they told you: “You will gain more in life, you can rest for now.” And when families are created, the classic version is as follows: a young wife can only boil an egg or potatoes, fry scrambled eggs, heat cutlets, and the husband can do about the same thing. Is it readiness for family life? The elementary preparation of dinner becomes a feat. Remember the movie, Munchausen says "Today I have a feat on my schedule"? Then everything in the family becomes a feat. Even simple cooking. Everything used to be done by my mother, but then some duties fell. It is very annoying if you are not ready, if you are used to using it.

What to do in this situation? Grow up! Rebuild! You need to make an effort on yourself. It's elementary, if you remember the stage when children move from kindergarten to school, and they have new responsibilities, new lessons, it takes so much time to prepare. Well, that's why they don't drop out of school! Learn, go further and further.

Just laugh at this little thing, turn everything into a joke. This is on the one hand. On the other hand, go towards each other. This is not such a global problem, because you can listen to another person. This is the most reasonable. There is a phrase - "I will die, but I will not worship." Well, why die standing when it's so easy to come up and hang your jacket in the right place, if it's so annoying to another person, especially a loved one? After all, he will be grateful to you, and the evening will turn out to be happier and there will be no scenes. The same for a woman. If she feels that her husband is annoyed by her long conversations on the phone, she must give in to him.

Who is the head of the family or to Caesar - Caesar's

In the first year, it is determined who will be the head of the family. Husband or wife? Very often, women who marry for love begin their family life by pleasing their husband. It is so natural: when you love, to do good to another person. Many women are carried away. They begin to behave in the spirit of “I will do everything myself. After all, the main thing is that you feel good.” If you need to clean up, of course, she herself. To the store? No need, she's on her own. If the husband offers help, immediately “no need, no need, I myself.” If a man starts to decide something, a woman also tries to take an active part “but I think so”, “let's do as I say”. She, simply put, does not understand at this moment that she is unconsciously (and sometimes consciously) trying to take on the role of the head of the family.

A lot of women who get married behave the same way at a wedding, when the newlyweds are supposed to bite off a piece of the loaf. They try so hard to bite off more. They shout to her: “Bite more!” And the woman tries to swallow to the maximum. According to the Moscow proverb: "The wider you open your mouth, the more you bite off." So they try to open their mouth wider, up to a dislocation. They do not even know that a family tragedy begins here. This is the beginning of family pain in several generations. Why? It is normal for a man when he is the head of the family (whether he understands it or not). The woman is weak. The man himself is more rational, cold-blooded, calm. He has a different mindset. Women are more emotional, we feel more, but we capture more in breadth and not in depth. Therefore, the family council should be in the family: one takes more in width, the other in depth. One is more at the level of a cold mind, the other is at the level of the heart, feelings. Then there is fullness, warmth, comfort.

If a woman, without realizing it, intercepts the role of a leader from a man, the following happens: she changes, loses her femininity, becomes masculine. Pay attention, a woman in love and loving can be seen from afar. She is very gentle, the embodiment of femininity and motherhood, calm, peaceful. If we take emancipated modernity, then in many families matriarchy now reigns, in which the woman is the leader of the family. Why?

Very often, women come for a consultation and say, “Yes, where can I get them, real men. I would love to marry someone like that, but where can I find him?” When you start to analyze the situation, it turns out that with her attitude to life and her behavior, only the man who will shut up and step aside can survive with her without a heart attack. Because someone has to be sane. He thinks: “I’d better keep quiet, because she can’t be shouted down.” She shouts to him: “What kind of husband are you ?!” And he was simply already deaf from her scream. “Yes, here I am. Calm down. You see that you are not alone. Just you feel that you are a woman.

A woman should be feminine, soft and not hysterical. It must radiate warmth. The task of a woman is to keep the hearth. But what kind of guardian is she, if it is a tsunami, a typhoon, a small Chechen war within the family territory? A woman needs to come to her senses, remember that she is a woman!

Women ask me the question “What should I do if he does not take on the role of head?” Firstly, I must say that we do not prepare boys for the role of the head of the family. It was earlier, before 1917, that the boy was told: “When you grow up, you must become the head of the family, you will answer to God, as your wife was behind you (she is a weak vessel). You will answer how the children felt behind your back (they are small, after all). You will have to answer to God what you have done so that they all feel good.” They told him: “You are a protector! You must protect your family, your homeland." Orthodoxy teaches us that there is no higher honor than laying down one's life for one's friends. It's an honor! Because you are a man. And now they say: “Yes, you think! Do you want to join the army? You will die there! Are you crazy or something?!” Now they are brought up in the spirit: “You are still small, you still have to live for yourself.”

And this “little one” creates a family. And everything would be fine, he could become the head of the family if there was a feminine woman nearby. Nearby there should be a wife who was brought up in Orthodox traditions, who knows that her task is to be such a wife that she would want to return to her house, because she is there, because she is kind and loving, and not shy away from her with the words “Lord have mercy. She should be such a mother that the children can come to her for help, and not run away from her, seeing how bad her mood is. She should be the hostess so that it would not be a feat for her to cook food. You see, when a man marries a feminine woman, the family structure is different. And in a family with an emancipated woman, the following situation often occurs. She says: “Last time you did not listen to me, and it turned out badly. So be smart, listen to me now! Haven't you realized yet that you're complete (knock-knock-knock) compared to me?"

When I studied at the institute, our teacher once said: “Girls, remember for the rest of your life: a smart man and a smart woman are not the same thing.” Why? A smart person has erudition, extraordinary thinking. A smart woman does not stick out her intellect when communicating, especially in a family. She tries to carefully find the very solution, the softest, most painless, which would suit everyone in the family, to help her husband, and so that everything is peaceful and calm. Many of our women do not behave smartly. They go on a frontal attack, they act like wrestlers in the ring, women's boxing starts. What does a man do? He steps aside. "If you want to fight, well, fight."

The Moscow psychologist (God rest her soul) Florenskaya Tamara Alexandrovna said a wonderful phrase: “In order for a husband to be a real man, you must become a real woman yourself.” We must start with ourselves. This, of course, is difficult, but without this, a real man will not work nearby. When a woman is constantly torn and hysterical, a man tries to step aside so as not to go deaf.

It's so simple. When a woman catches her breath and begins to change, at first the man tensely waits for the usual scenes, begins to ask: “Are you all right?” But then, when it really changes, then the husband finally begins to behave like a man, because he is given the opportunity to behave not like a whipping boy, but like a real man. And then, because the parents behave like a normal husband and wife, and the children calm down. Peace comes to the family, everything falls into place.

Some women say, “How can I act like a helper? I can't! Neither my grandmother nor my mother behaved like this. I've never seen this before my eyes."

Really, how? Everything is trite and very simple - it is not necessary to stick out your “I” and put it at the forefront, but simply love the other and take care of it. Then the heart begins to tell.

For example, a woman says, “Here I am discussing family issues with him, but still I make the right decision. Why lie then? Why waste time on this? This is how an intelligent person behaves, but an unintelligent woman, because she is digging a grave for her family. She seems to be saying: “I don’t see you point-blank. What did someone say? Are you? What did you squeak there?

Is this how they behave with the head of the family? Here, for example, one very smart woman answers my question: “How do you talk to your husband?” She says: “I will tell you the options that came to my mind, but the decision is up to you. You are the head." She told him how she sees the situation, and he makes the decision. And it is right!

I understand it's hard to say. A modern woman is more likely to break, and will act on the principle of "I will die, but I will not bow down." And the family is falling apart.

It is normal for a woman to turn to a man for advice. And the man begins to get used to the fact that he is in charge, what will be asked of him. When there are children, it is normal to say to the child: “Ask dad. As he says, so be it. After all, he's our boss."

When the children are naughty, it’s right to say: “Quietly, dad is resting. He was at work. Let's be quiet." These are trifles, but it is from them that a happy family is formed. This must be learned to do. This is how a smart woman behaves, the keeper of the hearth. Next to such a woman, a man from an inexperienced boy becomes the head. It is such a family, according to a survey of sociologists and psychologists, that is strong, because everything is in its place.

The relationship of a young family with relatives

Family psychologists who have studied so many young families have come to the conclusion that it is better to live separately from their parents. With modern upbringing, if a young family begins to live separately, it does not affect how they master their roles as painfully as if they lived with their parents.

I'll explain why. Modern people are very infantile. Very often, people who create families, they are still determined to be children, so that mom and dad carry them on their hands, so that mom and dad solve their problems. If there is not enough money to help them. If you can't buy clothes, buy more clothes. If the decor isn't good enough, they can help with the furniture as well. And if there is no apartment, they should rent an apartment. This setting is selfish. Their parents, like small children, must be carried on the handles, they must be rolled in strollers. This is not right, because when you create your own family, these are two adults who may soon have their own children. They already have to carry someone on their hands. When creating a family, it is necessary in advance, before marriage, before the wedding, to think about where the young people will live. It is better to find an opportunity, try to earn money in advance. It is desirable that not at the expense of the parents, but at their own expense, at least for the first six months, rent an apartment and live separately.

Why did psychologists come to the conclusion that with modern upbringing, it is better to start family life separately? When a family is formed, young people must master the role of husband or wife. These roles must be consistent. But it doesn't work out that everything goes smoothly. And to become a good wife, a woman must feel for herself what it means to be a good wife. For her, this is still an unusual state. The same is true for a man. Being a husband is unusual, but he is the head of the family, a lot is expected of him. More recently, there was so much freedom, and now there are only responsibilities. A man needs to get used to it. Young spouses need to coordinate their actions so that communication between husband and wife is a joy. And in these painful moments, when everything does not always work out, it is better for young people to live separately. When one person after the wedding comes to another family, he must not only find a common language with this particular person. He will have to join the life of another family in which they lived without him for very many years. For example, consider the relationship in the classroom when a new student arrives. Everyone had been together for a long time, and then a new one came. At first, everyone looks at him. And it happens, like in the movie "Scarecrow". If a person is different from others, then repressive measures will necessarily begin against him, he will be tested for strength. See how he behaves. Why? He is different, and we need to see how much we can find a common language with him.

The Japanese even have a saying: "If a nail sticks out, it is driven in." What does she mean? If a person stands out in some way, they try to fit him to the general standard so that he becomes like everyone else. It turns out that a person who has come to another family, in which all relations have already developed, experiences more difficulties. He has to build relationships not only with one person, husband or wife, but also with other relatives. He is no longer equal, it is more difficult for him.

When young people get married, they look at each other and think that the family is two people. And there are still numerous relatives, and everyone has their own idea of ​​​​how to behave with this family: what time to come to visit them and leave, in what tone to talk, how often to interfere. And these problems with new relatives are quite painful.

How are today's youth behaving? Very often she was brought up in a system of democracy, in the values ​​of universal equality. Elderly people have lived their lives, they have a rich experience. What is the equality here? What a familiar pat on the shoulder? There must be respect for adults! But even adults now have their distortions. It is written in the Gospel that "and a man will leave his father and his mother, and the two will become one flesh." A person must leave his parents. They have the right to intervene in the life of a child when he does not have his own family. When he has his own family, he is, as they say, "a cut piece." The family must make the decision on its own, at its family council. Climbing up to them so actively with advice is not allowed.

Especially often there are problems when a mother interferes in the life of a young family. A man, unlike a woman, rarely intervenes in the family of his child. What is the mother's mistake? The only mistake is that it helps incorrectly. Help, of course, is needed, but not at the level of humiliation and reproaches. The same thing can be said at the level of a reprimand, a public slap in the face. And the same can be said very carefully, one on one. "Daughter, I wanted to talk to you." When it is said with love, the heart always responds. When this is said with the wrong inner attitude, the person starts to reject. We must learn to help another person. Not at the level of the sovereign, who beats with a whip, but at the parental level, having many years of experience behind her and instructing them, fledgling chicks, helping with advice. They will definitely listen!

And another feature: very many young people now, when they are creating families, begin to call their new parents not “mother” and “dad”, but by their first name and patronymic. Their motivation is as follows: “Well, you know, I have a dad and a mom. And it’s hard for me to say “mom” and “dad” to strangers.” This is not true! We have formal and informal style in clothes, there is a classic suit and there are home clothes. The official style also implies official communication by name and patronymic, here it is indecent to call by name. This style of communication sets the distance. If in a family where there are close relationships, communication takes place at the level of an official reception, then a distance immediately appears. And then the question: why do they treat me with arrogance? It's okay to call your new parents "mom" and "dad" if you're well-bred. “Mommy”, “daddy”, and the answer will be involuntarily - “daughter” or “son”. As it comes around, so it will respond. There is such a law in psychology: if you want to change your attitude towards yourself, change your attitude towards this person. We must feel with the heart of another person.

This is very difficult. Many women in consultations say: “He has such a mother! It's impossible to bear it. Why should I love her?" You understand, if you lack so much kindness, love at least her for the fact that she gave birth and raised such a son to you. She gave birth. And she raised. And now you're married to him. For that, you should be grateful to her. Start at least with this, and the other person will feel it. Necessarily! As it comes around, so it will respond. You need to love your relatives, and not immediately arrange transformations: “I came, and now everything will be different. Here we will rearrange, here we will plant flowers, we will replace the curtains.” If this family lived in its own way, and you came to this family, you must respect it. You need to start by loving other people and learning how to give love. Do not demand, but give!

This is the task of the first year of family life. It's very hard. If a person is brought up in Orthodoxy, it is natural for him. If he was brought up in a modern way: in the spirit of “live, take everything from life”, then these are continuous problems. As a result, the first year ends, and you think, “Before that, life went on calmly, like in a fairy tale. And there are so many problems. Let's get divorced." And people get divorced without realizing that family life can be very happy, you just have to work hard, and then the return can be huge. If at the very beginning of family life this sprout is broken off, then there will be a point, thorns for the rest of your life. That is, you need to let the family get stronger, gain strength so that it gives you warmth.

This painful moment of the formation of a family is common. For example, a baby learns to walk, he gets up and falls, gets up and falls. But this does not mean that now he should not learn to walk. A young family she also learn to walk. But there is such a feature. When a baby learns to walk, it is necessary that an adult stands nearby, constantly insures, takes by the hand. In the case of a young family, they should hold each other's hand. Together, husband and wife. Psychologists recommend starting to learn to walk separately from other relatives. When they learn to walk with one foot, figuratively speaking, then it turns out that they can already move to the next step. It is possible after some time, after they have lived separately, to move to their parents. And the money that was spent on paying for an apartment can already be spent on other things.

In addition, a separate life helps young spouses grow up. I started with the fact that we have some young people, and even for the most part, when they start family life, they also have consumer attitudes. “Give it, give it, give it! I am still a child, I am still small and there is no demand from me.” But imagine if a person ended up on a desert island. Who will pay attention to whether you are small or rather big, whether you know how to cook or not? You will be forced to look around so that you can eat it, and then you will have to look for a way to cook it. After all, you will not eat raw fish, such as it was thrown ashore? You have to find opportunities, learn how to cook food, how to arrange your life. When young people begin to live separately, they seem to be on that same desert island. It depends only on them what they will eat, how they will live, how they will build relationships. It helps you grow up much faster. And infantile attitudes, such as “carry me in your arms,” must be removed. This is reasonable, and I think parents should not interfere with this. Of course, I want my children to be all right, I want to pick them up in their arms. But it's time for them to grow up. Listen to this. Of course, there are times when young people are already internally mature, when they can build their relationships while being in the family of their parents. But for most young people it is very difficult. These are additional problems.

The appearance of a child

The second stage, the second step. First year. A child appears in the family. I do not take the case of so-called "feigned" marriages (that is, when the bride is pregnant and therefore the marriage takes place). Previously, in Rus' it was considered a shame. Why? The word "bride" means - "unknown", synonyms - mystery, purity. Her clothes are white, a sign of purity. In our case, which bride is the unknown? Recently I was shown a fashion magazine for a pregnant bride. Different types of wedding dresses for pregnant brides. Simply accustom deliberately, systematically to debauchery. Previously, it was at the level of shame, but now it is in the order of things.

What happens if the bride is pregnant? The first crisis of family life is superimposed by another - the child. And the family is bursting at the seams. If you look psychologically. And if you know the spiritual laws, then things are already obvious here. The fact is that when a person lives according to the commandments of God, when he is covered with grace, everything happens by itself for him. He goes with gratitude. There is a sense of security. Feeling that God is love and He cares about each of us. When a person starts to sin… there is such a thing as “sin stinks”. The guardian angel departs because our sin stinks. Grace departs from us, we begin to suffer, to suffer. We ourselves have departed from God. We chose this path and suffer ourselves. When the bride becomes so “experienced” (and sometimes more than one man), and then she asks: “Why do I suffer so much, why do my children suffer?” Well, open the Gospel, read it!

When a child was born earlier, they prayed, asked God to send that child who would be a joy to the family, a joy to God. Now often "holiday" children are born. When people get drunk on holidays and in this state they conceive a child. And then the baby is born, and the parents ask: who did he go to, didn’t we have such a family?

Before, when a woman was carrying a child, she always prayed. She confessed often, took communion. Through this, the child is formed. The body of a woman is a house for this baby. She is cleansed, and her condition affects the child. Naturally, everything also affects the relationship with her husband, physical relationships cease. Because this is a hormonal earthquake for the baby. Why do they say "imbibed with mother's milk"? When the mother was feeding the baby, she prayed. And if a mother, while feeding, swore with her husband or watched a film of semi-pornographic content, which is now constantly shown on TV, then what is laid on the baby with mother's milk? Remember how you behaved when you carried a child and fed. And why be surprised after that?

There are no dead ends in Orthodoxy. God is absolute love and He is waiting for our repentance. Only. And as in the parable of the prodigal son, only the son returns, the father ran to meet him. “Father, I am not worthy to be called your son,” says the son, and the father runs to meet him. Here you just need to realize and repent, and repentance means correction. And repentance should not only be at the level of “now I won’t do this.” It is necessary to go to confession, to take communion. We heal then soul and body.

We often would like to cope with our strengths, but we cannot. I remember that in the Soviet period there was a slogan: "Man is the blacksmith of his own happiness." And in one newspaper I read: "Man is the grasshopper of his own happiness." Exactly! A person jumps, chirps, thinks that he is jumping high. What a blacksmith! After all, without God, man cannot do anything. Therefore, you need to go to God, repent, ask for strength, say “I have already done so much in my life, help me, fix it, I can’t, you can. Help! Wise me, direct and fix everything. You could revive four-day Lazarus when he was already a stinking corpse. You revive me, revive my family, which is already stinking, disintegrating, my children who have suffered, you help them yourself. And, of course, you need to start improving yourself. It's all possible.

What happens when a young family has a baby? They expect him and think: now everything will be fine. And it begins that they must assume the new roles of mother and father. There is a feat of motherhood and fatherhood. This love is sacrificial, you have to forget about yourself. But how can you forget about yourself? It's so hard when you're selfish. And when you love, it's not difficult at all.

When a baby is born, how is the load in the family rebuilt? Firstly, if we take the statistics, the workload for household chores sharply increases for a woman, the time for cooking is doubled. For adults, cook for a small one. And all by the hour. In addition, the time for washing increases many times over.

Further. A newborn baby should sleep 18-20 hours a day. But now in our city, and throughout Russia, only 3% of absolutely healthy babies are born. In babies, the diagnosis of "hyperexcitability" has become a traditional one. What modern baby sleeps for 18-20 hours? He cries and cries. As a result, when crying stops, a woman can fall asleep both sitting and half standing. The woman has such an emotional overload. What about the man? He thought it would be such a blessing. But it turned out to be the opposite: the wife rushes about, the child cries. And that's what family life is all about.

What happens next? An offer comes in: “Let's get a divorce? So tired! But why get divorced? You just need to grow up. A child will not be a baby all his life. In a year, he will begin to walk, grow, and then the baby has an amazing ability (up to 5 years old) to bring joy. They are such suns in the family, they are so happy with everything. "What is there to be happy about?" - we think. And they are so happy: “Mom, look at the house here, and the house here, and around the house.” And he's so happy. “Oh, mother, look at the bird!” And he is happy. For them, everything is the first time in their lives. This is a lesson for us, adults, how to get joy from everything.

Recording of the conversation - Center for the Protection of Maternity "Cradle", Yekaterinburg.

Transcription, editing, headings - site

A distance (online) course will help to find family happiness . (Psychologist Alexander Kolmanovsky)
The ship of the family crashes on the ice of selfishness ( Crisis psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky)
The family needs hierarchy Psychologist Lyudmila Ermakova)
Commitment keeps people together Family psychologist Irina Rakhimova)
Marriage: the end and the beginning of freedom ( Psychologist Mikhail Zavalov)
Does a family need a hierarchy? ( Psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky)
If you create a family, then for life ( Yuri Borzakovsky, Olympic champion)
The country of the family is a great country ( Vladimir Gurbolikov)
Apologia for marriage ( Priest Pavel Gumerov)

Family for many is the most important thing on earth. A warm hearth is a place where spouses yearn to find peace and tranquility. But sometimes, instead of positive and calm family life brings only mutual disappointment and anger. Why do most couples have so many problems living together? What is the reason for so many divorces and unhappy marriages in modern society? What needs to be done to create a happy family?

Family psychology can help you understand these issues. This section of psychology studies the building of harmonious and deep relationships between members of the cell of society. First, let's understand what a family is.

What is family?

A family is a group of people connected by kinship or marriage, living under the same roof, leading a common household and having a common budget. The basis of the family is usually spouses and their children. However, often young people live together with the parents of one of the partners. Each member of the family has his own duties, which he must fulfill for the sake of the common good.

What a family will be like is determined by a fairly wide range of factors. This is influenced by both the education of the spouses and their cultural level. Also of great importance is the ability of partners to understand each other, to find joint solutions in conflict situations, to show care and patience.

Some Causes of an Unhappy Marriage

Many complain that the partner with whom they started a family does not live up to their expectations. It turns out that the girl, who suffered all her childhood because her father was an evil, selfish alcoholic, married the same scoundrel. Why did it happen so? The psychology of family life claims that the foundation of such relationships is laid in childhood.

It is the relationship between parents that creates in the child the image of what a marriage should be like.

So it turns out that subconsciously a person is looking for a partner similar to one of his parents, continuing an endless cycle of the same mistakes. After all, the children of such people will create their own family, based on the experience of their parents, continuing the negative traditions of their ancestors.

Another problem is that often people try to start a family without getting to know each other properly. They are driven by passion or unexpected pregnancy. But most of these families break up in the first year of marriage. Family psychology teaches that before taking a relationship to such a serious level, you need to get to know your partner properly, accept him as he is.

Love in the family

Initially, when choosing a partner, people are guided by the sexual attractiveness of a person, his external qualities. Sweet speeches of romantics about the divine nature of their feelings in most cases are a pathetic attempt to embellish harsh reality. Only after a strong emotional connection is formed between people and they properly recognize each other's inner world, love arises. Everyone says that a family is built on love, but why then do so many people suffer from a lack of warmth and mutual understanding?

The fact is that rarely a person is loved simply for what he is, accepting all his advantages and disadvantages.

Usually love is given out as a reward for good deeds, with threats to deprive it if the partner does not correspond to some ideal model. The basics of family psychology is to love your partner with all his qualities, good and bad. Instead of constantly nibbling on your spouse for his shortcomings, it is better to focus on the merits, expressing your sympathy and care as often as possible.

Psychology of family life. Conflict resolution

Another problem of family life is the incorrect resolution of conflict situations. Often, serious conflicts or contradictions in the family are resolved in favor of one of the spouses or not resolved at all. This state of affairs leads to the accumulation of mutual discontent and dissatisfaction with each other. Family psychology recommends resolving disputes or conflict situations together, listening to your spouse, respecting his or her opinion. In this way, you will have the skill of working together, you will learn mutual respect and take your relationship to a new level.

Psychology. Family counseling

If problems in the family cannot be solved on their own, but there are reasons to save the marriage, then going to a family psychologist can be a good help. An outsider will be able to more objectively assess the real state of affairs than angry spouses.

If you decide to turn to a specialist, then be honest with him, only then his help will have a chance of success.

It is better to consult a qualified psychologist, beware of dubious doctors practicing unscientific, suspicious methods. If you know a couple who have already been helped by a similar specialist, listen to their feedback and, if they are positive, contact the same person.

Solving problems on your own

If you do not want to wash dirty linen in public, attracting outsiders into your relationship, then there will be a need to independently clean up the psychological garbage accumulated over the years of living together. That's what family psychology is for. The family is considered in this science from all sides, hundreds of various methods have been created to strengthen marriage ties. Some of them are listed above.

Many difficult periods await every young family, but going through them together, you will only become closer to each other. The birth of children, aging, the appearance of grandchildren and many other stages of family life will pass like clockwork if mutual understanding is reached between the spouses. Solve problems that arise in marriage, instead of just postponing them. Then one day you will become a member of a harmonious and happy family. But until you have a lot of experience in living together, family psychology will come to your aid.

a branch of modern psychology that studies the development of a person in a family environment, the psychological characteristics of intra-family relationships, the psychological mechanisms of family adaptation in society.

Family psychology is based on research data in the sociology of the family, various branches of psychological knowledge, family psychotherapy, psychological counseling, psychoprophylactic and social work with families.

It gives a psychological description of a healthy family and family pathology, and also contributes to the practical application of this knowledge in the course of psychological assistance to families, acting as a scientific and psychological basis for the latter. The data available to family psychology are the basis for the formation of various kinds of social and psychological programs aimed at helping the family. They also serve as a source for the development of scientific principles for the training of specialists working with the family, the correction of intra-family relationships.

The subject of family psychology is the specificity of the psychological approach to the study of the family as a system of interpersonal interactions, its structure (gender and age and role) and functions (protecting the individual from the manipulative influences of society and adapting him to life in this society).

The family system is psychologically characterized by such properties as integrity, repetitive patterns of relationships, functioning and development according to its own logic, regardless of environmental conditions. Intra-family interpersonal interactions contribute both to the assimilation of the cultural schemes of society into the structure of the personality, and to the adaptation of the individual's inner world to the cultural schemes of society (which, however, does not always help overcome the disunity of different aspects of personal existence, but sometimes exacerbates this fragmentation). Sometimes there is the formation of personal complexes, "shadows" (according to K. Jung), various kinds of psychological problems, crises and conflicts.

Helping the family psychologically means helping to regulate intra-family relationships in a positive direction, which means that the family helps each member to develop effectively. The negative in the family must be countered by the positive in it, both in the content-procedural and value-cultural contexts. The study of the psychological characteristics of a dysfunctional and healthy family is a key issue in the psychology of intra-family relations.

The term "dysfunctional family" is usually applied in a broad context to the family system, which is the source of non-adaptive behavior of one or more of its members, does not provide the necessary conditions for their personal growth. According to modern family psychological research, dysfunctional families have the following characteristics: the existence of any problems in the family is denied, there is a lack of intimacy, feelings of shame are used to motivate individual behavior, family roles are rigid, individual identity is sacrificed for family identity, and individual needs the needs of the family as a whole. Family myths in a dysfunctional family do not correspond to reality, and humor, tender care, optimism are rare. Conflicts are closed here, there is a chronic hostility of some family members to others. Dysfunctionality of the family system leads to many psychological symptoms and negative social phenomena such as alcoholism, drug addiction, violence, child theft, etc. ( cm. FAMILY PSYCHOTHERAPY).

A functional (healthy) family is characterized by a flexible hierarchical power structure, clearly articulated family rules, a strong parental coalition, intact intergenerational boundaries. A healthy family is a "system in motion", a process of continuous change, evolution, formation. Family rules are open here and serve as positive guidelines for growth. It is allowed to replace some intra-family triangles and coalitions with others without the family members feeling jealous or insecure, which is vital for establishing personal and social boundaries. Only when you are free to belong to something does association have a positive meaning community and freedom develop in parallel. Friends of family members, neighbors freely enter the intra-family space without fear of rejection and are gladly accepted in it. Typically, the family system includes three or even four generations of the family. At the same time, the older generation can communicate with the younger one without hiding behind an impersonal demand to keep a distance "respect". A healthy family is a place of open expression of intimacy, love, as well as quarrels, and even hatred. All are free to take part in intense interpersonal relationships based on any human feeling.

Patterns of behavior that are usually considered pathological and considered as indicators of an unhealthy family can be found in every “normal” family really significant differences lie in the intensity, degree of rigidity (ability to change) of negative signs and problems, and not in their very existence. Families whose world is filled with various kinds of phobias about "abnormality", trying to avoid all pathologies, usually become victims of this rigidity.

A clear distance between generations is one of the main components in the structure of a well-functioning family (it should not be confused with inflexible intra-family hierarchical structures). It is clear that parents and children are not equal in terms of such concepts as "power" and "responsibility". Mutually solidary parents are, as it were, the backbone of the family, providing a sense of security for children. However, a healthy family is based not on the dominance of parents over children, but on the fact that the strength of the former provides security for the latter. Since this power is clearly recognized and unquestioned, there is no need for parents to always openly manifest and constantly prove its existence to both children and themselves. They encourage openness to play, role-playing, and creativity in communication.

Relationships between spouses are the psychological center of all intra-family interactions. Marriage is like a mixture of originally different cultures, such a mixing of these cultures that creates a new culture, both similar and unlike those that gave birth to it. If cultural differences in a family are considered as a negative factor that needs to be eliminated, then they lead to intra-family splits and cause various defensive reactions in family members. However, if the differences in the original cultures are seen as what contributes to the growth of each member of the family, then they turn out to be a valuable factor in intra-family stability; on an emotional level, they are manifested, in particular, in warm marital relationships. Lacking the latter, husband and wife usually face insurmountable difficulties when children enter the arena and have to fulfill parental responsibilities. The assertion that the appearance of a baby will restore the broken relationship between spouses is a dangerous delusion.

It is the loss of marital "we" that makes divorce so devastating and adultery so destructive (although all healthy marriages typically experience dozens of emotional divorces). Divorce declares “we” to be a fiction, claims it to be non-existent in the legal aspect, but in the emotional and psychological plane it is impossible to return back the emotional investment that is invested in the partner. It is possible to decide not to live together anymore, but it is impossible to undo what has already happened.

At the same time, divorce has a negative impact on children, although the question remains open for modern family psychology as to which environment is less comfortable for a child - a family with one parent or with conflicting parents. Studies show that single parents are less affectionate with their children, devote less time to them, less psychologically available due to the need to fulfill other social roles. This leads to the fact that the child spends more time on the street with all its dangers - crime, alcohol, drugs, unsafe sex.

When considering the impact of divorce on the spouses themselves, such negative psychological phenomena as grief reactions, accusations from the former partner, self-guilt for a failed marriage, a sense of insecurity in the face of social, economic and psychological problems, social isolation, depression, etc. are described. All this, ultimately, leads to the creation of a psychologically unsafe and unstable environment in which the child is brought up.

Starting from the psychoanalytic tradition, which for the first time highlighted the importance of parent-child relationships in the formation of personality, many authors (J. Bowlby, R. Fairbairn, M. Ainsworth and others) attached particular importance to the types of family relationships in which a married man was brought up and a woman. In particular, E.Kogen and Sh.Rogovin identify three types of child attachment to mother (in parental families): protective, avoidant and ambivalent, believing that marital conflicts can be resolved through their understanding ( cm. PSYCHOANALYSIS).

A child with a “protective type of attachment” is wary of everything new, he constantly needs the support and attention of his mother: he quickly gets used to unfamiliar surroundings and people, but all this is provided that the mother is nearby. Such children, growing up, relate to others with openness and trust: they are usually good listeners, although they often have a rigid system of values.

A child with an "avoidant type of attachment" behaves "ignoring" towards the mother, i.e. her presence and attention are of no particular importance to him. When, for example, the absent mother returns, he avoids contact with her, even with a glance. In a new, unfamiliar environment, such a child feels quite comfortable, without showing signs of anxiety. Growing up, such children usually face problems establishing friendships. Their friendship develops only on the basis of common interests.

A child with an "ambivalent type of attachment" does not like unfamiliar surroundings, in which he experiences anxiety, and he needs the protection of his mother. But as soon as he gets used to the new situation, maternal care is not so important to him. When confronted with unexpected behavior by their mother or others, children with this type of attachment find themselves in a state of confusion. In adulthood, people with this type of attachment easily establish friendships with others. At the same time, they are so impulsive and tend to doubt the truth of friendly feelings that the slightest mismatch of interests can greatly upset them, disrupting relationships with loved ones.

Adopting, learning a certain style of attachment, children then use it in their relationships with people in adulthood, including marriage partners. The object of attachment is now the husband or wife, and it is the similarities and / or differences in types of attachment that are the cause of the resulting misunderstanding between partners. It is essential that there is nothing good or bad about different attachment styles they are just as much a part of us as, for example, physical features or temperament. Each style of attachment is a certain patterns of behavior, "language" of expression of feelings and thoughts. And if people do not know how to recognize each other's "languages", problems arise in their communication.

The modern crisis of marriage is also associated with a change in gender roles. T. Reel introduces the concept of "psychological patriarchy", which means, in contrast to the "social" patriarchy, a hierarchical system of relationships in which there is no place for love and tenderness.

"Psychological patriarchy" draws a strict division between masculinity and femininity: the first is associated with strength, logic, aggressiveness, independence, goal orientation, insensitivity, and the second with weakness, emotionality, dependence, orientation not to the result, but to the process, hypersensitivity . D. B. Miller calls “psychological patriarchy” a model of “dominance” (“power over”) relationships in contrast to a model of ownership (“being with”). This model places the subject above or away from his immediate environment, instead of considering him as an integral part of this environment.

Sensitivity to others, the ability to share the feelings of a loved one - this is what women now expect from men, but such properties, in fact, are not part of the world of a modern man, who finds it difficult to be gentle and maintain a sufficient level of intimacy with his loved ones. The culture raises him as competitive with other men and suppresses the manifestations of tenderness and care. What does it mean to be a real man? Go in for sports, be successful with women, be able to fight back, not show your feelings, drink a lot of beer, dress fashionably, earn a lot ... From kindergarten, a boy is taught to restrain his emotions (especially strong ones), not to show that he is in pain, not asking for help and not taking care of others yourself. This inhibition of natural feelings can have a traumatic effect on a boy's developing personality, especially on its communication aspects.

Girls are brought up to be socially oriented (in particular, in traditional cultures they are allowed to show their suffering), while boys are brought up to be achievement-oriented. According to T. Reel, the main paradox of a man's life is that in order for him to feel his self-worth, a man must be "a soldier, buttoned up." In the world of men, “you are either a winner or a loser, either at the bottom or at the top, in control or yourself in control or a self-sufficient man, or a woman, a girl.”

Feminists have done a lot to make women feel more free from their traditional gender roles. As for men, since childhood, boys are embarrassed to show traits attributed to the opposite sex role. Gender issues are a good example of how the culture and history of a society influence the psychological specifics of intra-family relationships. see also GENDER RESEARCH; SEX AND GENDER.

Many researchers admit that the Russian family in Soviet times was shell-shocked by inadequate manipulative attitude towards it from the state. A number of domestic and foreign psychologists (Weiner H., Druzhinin V.N., Orlov A.B., and others) consider the fact that married children stay with their parents because of poor living conditions as a negative for the formation of a new family. However, as shown in one Russian-American study (K. Baker, Yu. B. Gippenreiter), the fact that grandparents raise their grandchildren according to the cultural and historical tradition that has developed in our country can also have a positive effect. In Western families, where the separation of a new young family from the parent is considered as a strictly necessary condition for its formation, there is a weakening of contacts between the first and third generation, which makes it difficult and sometimes even interrupts the transfer of cultural and psychological experience. And such an experience, as shown by a psychological study of families that survived, for example, Stalinist repressions, sometimes turns out to be indispensable for new generations.

As V.N. Druzhinin notes, the most common option for the Soviet family to acquire stability (in contrast to the pre-revolutionary Russian, Orthodox-oriented, as well as Western models) is the establishment of a rigid connection between dominance and responsibility: if one of the family members receives responsibility for it , then he should have power, which, according to this author, is the main source of conflict in the modern Russian family. Orthodoxy considered the mother and father equally responsible for the upbringing of children, while the dominant role of women in the Soviet family was imposed by the Soviet government and communist ideology, essentially depriving the father of the main parental functions. Therefore, in the modern Russian family, a woman is often forced by the force of circumstances to “rule” undividedly and completely, because. a man is not able to provide for his family, bear real responsibility for it and be a role model.

In general, the post-Soviet family, in comparison with the Soviet one in the moral and psychological sense, is characterized by the fact that, on the one hand, it focuses on universal human values, and on the other hand, it is more clearly outlined in comparison with Soviet times, domestic spiritual and cultural regulations.

Not only modern Russian society, but the world as a whole is now under the dangerous influence of the centrifugal forces of the incessant struggle for territories, humanitarian aid, the priorities of certain cultural prerogatives, and so on. Therefore, it is so necessary to familiarize individuals and families with the polyphony of universal and domestic cultural values ​​and traditions, the centuries-old positive experience of psychological wisdom. Therefore, the emerging family psychology, especially domestic psychology, should strive to ensure that, considering the individual as a unique, rare, self-valued being, create an image of a positive family that protects the individual at all stages of his life path from the manipulative influences of that specific social group in which the individual is included, where the struggle for resources is often more important than human life itself ( cm. POSITIVE PSYCHOLOGY).

The problems of family psychology closely interact with various branches of psychology ( cm. PSYCHOLOGY). Clinical psychology considers family relationships as one of the main factors in the causes of mental anomalies. The underdevelopment and destruction of emotional relations with the immediate family environment is a mechanism for the development of a borderline personality structure rigid patterns of behavior and interpersonal relationships that have developed under pathological conditions.

From a socio-psychological point of view, a family is a small group that is based on marriage, consanguinity or adoption and carries out joint life activities. It examines the cycles of family development, its role and power structure, the stability and sustainability of family relationships, the features of choosing a marriage partner, attitudes towards marriage and family, conflicts, family relationships with a broader social context, etc. The psychology of personality includes in the circle of its consideration the problems of the psychological specifics of personality development in a family environment, child-parent relationships, the formation of attitudes towards marriage and family in the ontogenesis of personality. Pedagogical psychology is interested in the psychological aspects of the interaction between educational institutions and the family, the effectiveness of various methods of family education, develops the scientific and psychological foundations of family pedagogy.

The role of moral and psychological regulators in intra-family relations, as well as the means that throughout history have been used within the framework of religion to help the family, are studied by the psychology of religion. Behind many conflicts in the family lies the question of the meaning of life, which does not have a universal solution within the framework of secular humanism, but was adequately resolved in traditional religions until (in the 19th century it became already obvious) human life became so complicated that religion itself turned into a moral and psychological problem. Fanaticism, intolerance, cruelty towards dissidents and doubters is very important not only for relationships within large social groups, but also in the course of direct interpersonal interactions, especially between relatives, in the family.

The theme of the family is also invariably present in such branches of psychological knowledge as developmental psychology, differential psychology, psychogenetics, labor psychology, legal psychology, comparative psychology, historical psychology, military psychology, economic psychology, etc.

As an independent branch of modern psychological knowledge, family psychology is still in its infancy, and for its successful development it is necessary to do a lot of work, rethink the sections of psychological knowledge mentioned above, as well as data from related disciplines (especially family psychotherapy), and, together with meanwhile, continuously collect their own concrete psychological material.

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