How to become open and sociable if you are, by nature, a shy person, and it is difficult to call your life interesting? After all, an unsociable person, has almost no friends, very rarely makes new acquaintances, and when he gets into a new company, he sits silently, shy, not knowing how to start or maintain a conversation. It is difficult for such a person as an introvert to get along in a team. Colleagues do not accept silent people and loners, and communicate with them with caution. Even when applying for a job, the employer pays attention to the sociability and sociability of the applicant for a good position. If you are a sociable person, you are more likely to make a career.

How to become sociable

Problems in communication are actually experienced by a large number of people. According to statistics, there are 25% of introverts in the world, and if you are one of them, then questions are inevitable: how to develop sociability in yourself, if you were born that way, does this mean that your life will be full of failures, and how to learn to be sociable?

This situation can be easily corrected if you seriously think about how to become a master of communication. Moreover, you will need not only to change yourself, but also your behavior. You will have to work hard to get rid of unnecessary features, learn self-control, not put off things for later, but act here and now. If you develop these qualities in yourself, becoming a more sociable person, you will immediately see how your life will begin to change for the better.

Find common ground

The meaning of communication is that people who often communicate with each other become closer to each other, due to the fact that they have their own points of contact. They are united by common interests or hobbies, common views, etc. Therefore, in order to become open and sociable in any company, you must, as best as possible, understand those areas that are of interest to your interlocutors. Only after that, your communication with them will become easier and more relaxed.

Need to be yourself

If you seriously have a question about how to become a sociable and interesting person, then first learn to express your position openly. Do not be shy and afraid of the reaction of others if your opinion causes them disagreement, or even aggression. Just ignore them, and always be yourself - this is the best thing you can do in this situation.

Less criticism

Many people do not understand how to become more sociable, because they see only flaws in others. Remember, a self-confident and sociable person finds only positive qualities in the environment, which is why he succeeds in making friends, communicating, and not being lonely. Stop criticizing everyone and making fun of others who, in your opinion, are worse people than you. If you are a misanthrope, then learn to be friendly. Treating people with respect will help you make friends easily.

smile

How to become more sociable if you walk all the time with a serious or sullen face? A smile expresses interest and favor to the interlocutor, and should be appropriate. If you smile all the time, then those around you may misinterpret your good intentions to become more cheerful and sociable, and this, oddly enough, will push them away.

Improve yourself

You must become a well-rounded person, and this will require improvement in various areas. If you begin to develop yourself, you will be confident in your abilities, your stiffness will disappear, more topics will appear for conducting dialogues with people, and, as a result, others will have the opinion that you are a sociable person.

Communicate on social networks

There is no better way to solve the problem of how to develop sociability than social networks. It is here, as well as possible, that you can practice communicating with people and make friends. In the social networks, the easiest way is to become a relaxed and sociable girl, or to be a more open guy. After all, communication, without eye contact, is much easier, because no one will see your embarrassment.

Know how to listen

How to become a good interlocutor? Just learn to listen to the person you are talking to. Show interest in him, ask any question that interests you, and wait until he finishes answering. Human psychology is such that it is important for him to speak out to the end. Having shown your respect for the interlocutor, give him this opportunity. If you start a conversation, then you should listen to your opponent at ease and with interest on your face. In no case do not yawn, do not look around, do not look at the phone all the time when you are having a dialogue with a person. He will quickly figure out your fake interest, and the next time, no matter how friendly you seem, he simply will not want to communicate with you.

Being sociable, in this case, does not mean that you need to endlessly listen to the opponent's monologue. Also, you need to take the initiative, and translate the interlocutor to topics that are of interest to you. This technique will help you become a more talkative and liberated person.

Love yourself

If you are having trouble becoming outgoing and confident, then first pay attention to how you treat the people around you. Do you respect them? And do you have respect and love for yourself? How to become sociable if you are full of negativity? Remember, a person feels at the subconscious level how you feel about him, and above all, how much you love yourself. Based on these data, people form an opinion about you, according to which they build their behavior in relation to your person. Therefore, in order to become an open and sociable person, it is necessary to love and respect yourself, as well as to know your worth. This will surely increase your ranking in the eyes of the people. But, on the subject of self-esteem, don't overdo it so you don't look like a pompous, stupid person.

hello

Feel free to say hello to people you don't know well, and even more so to people you know well. The question of how to become talkative will resolve itself if you set a goal for yourself to do this regularly, and sometimes even start a conversation with a stranger, for example, in a shopping line. This tactic will help solve the problem of how to become more sociable.

Speak beautifully

How to become easier in communication if those around you hardly understand? Of course, among the narrow circle of people with whom you are accustomed to communicate, your slang is familiar and understandable to everyone. But what if you, trying to speak this language with other people, immediately feel alienated, misunderstood, and sometimes even aggressive towards you? To become easy to communicate, you will have to remember how to speak the literary language and try to put it into practice. So that you are not embarrassed about how to pronounce this or that word, try to read fiction and increase your vocabulary.

Be funny

How to become cheerful when communicating? Any social circle of interests has a certain set of jokes, as well as their level. First, don't try to become talkative. Listen to people, especially in a new company, and determine what they react to and what makes them happy. After that, you can become more talkative if you prepare for the next meeting with friends by reading a lot of witty jokes or funny anecdotes on the Internet, be sure to write them down on paper. The more jokes will be poured from you, the more cheerful, interesting and sociable person you will be considered by others. This fact will certainly help you to liberate yourself.

act

Without drawing up a clear plan of action on the issue of how to become sociable - you can not do. It is necessary to perform some action every day, sometimes forcing yourself to communicate with people, even if you do not have the desire to do so. Let these actions become mandatory for you, for example, like brushing your teeth in the morning. Only this way will help you make new acquaintances or friends, and become a sociable person.

Alexander Orlov - July 09, 2015

Quite often, people write about people whom they want to kill. Communication with whom does not bring pleasant emotions. But it causes a lot of problems: both in everyday communication, and in conveying ideas, and in resolving some work stories.

Today we will talk about 3 ideas that can turn this situation around, and with some luck, make such a person your good friend and helper.

It would seem, why build relationships with unpleasant people at all? There are at least 5 reasons for this.

Reason #1 (main) . Nerves. Communication with those who are unpleasant to us takes energy. Nerve cells do not regenerate. Although, the latest studies seem to say that they are recovering, but who trusts them, these latest studies? :)

Reason number 2. Decreased prestige . Communication with a bad person often causes emotions, which in no way contributes to a constructive discussion. And any unconstructive and unproductive discussion, in the presence of witnesses, reduces your authority. Didn’t achieve a result, although he shouted like that, shouted like that? .. Hmmm, the manager is weak ...

Reason number 3. Unresolved issues. If you feel uncomfortable talking to someone, it means that there is some situation or problem that you would like to resolve. But in order to solve it, you need to find out what the essence is. And I categorically do not want to do this, because ... such a person.

Reason number 4. The further up you go, the fewer people you can choose from. In her book Up, the first Russian-speaking vice president of IBM, Inna Kuznetsova, described such a case. At some point, a very unpleasant person became her boss. And Inna was about to leave, but then she understood and accepted a non-trivial thought for herself:

The most important reason, in my opinion, to stay is that the ability to adapt and work with a difficult boss is one of those skills that must be mastered sooner or later in order to successfully move up the career ladder.

The higher you climb, the fewer positions at your level exist, which means fewer potential bosses to choose from. In addition, people who are able to adapt and change style will eventually diversify their palette of management methods and are more valued. As a result, they are more often chosen for the best positions.

So the sooner you learn how to deal with a bad boss, the easier it will be for you to move on. It is unpleasant to learn this, but as they say, everything that does not kill us makes us stronger.

And that brings us to the last reason:

Reason number 5. The system is controlled by its most flexible element. And the current situation is a good opportunity to learn to be more flexible. Ultimately, why not give it a try? They won't charge you for "trying".

A story from real life. Once, I happened to read in a well-known Moscow company in St. Petersburg. The 3-day training was given to two groups. In one group, older people gathered (around fifty dollars), in the second - young people (25-30).

The older group worked perfectly, but it didn't work out right away with the youth. There was a guy (Sergey) in the group who sabotaged all the exercises from the very beginning. What is most terrible (a coaching nightmare), the group listened to him. Obviously, Sergey was the informal leader of the team. And it started: bringing the exercises to the point of absurdity, diverting discussions to the side, reasoning on the topic of what would be better to work ...

Something had to be done. In the first coffee break, I approached Sergey:

Sergey, will there be time today, after the training, to drink coffee?

Let's see…

We drank coffee after the training, then drank coffee again - talked for two hours. About the history of the company, what kind of people work there, what happens there. I did not try to convince Sergei. It seemed to me that if a person behaves this way, then there must be a reason for this. After all, he can’t not like our excellent training, can he? :)

So I basically asked and listened. Learned a lot of interesting things. The company changed management a year and a half ago. Like any new management, it decided to figure out what all this crowd of people is doing in the company.

How does this usually happen in good companies? Consultants from one of the big four companies are invited. Young peppy consultants walk around the company, distracting employees, collecting their data. Then they write a thick report for a lot of money and leave.

It is clear, says Sergei, that they do not dig deep, they collect on top. And the problems that old employees have known for a long time are not visible to consultants. In short, this thick, superficial report is submitted to superiors.

The authorities do not understand what to do with such a report, and calls the next consultants. Actually, for a year and a half, all the big four stayed here.

At this moment, I understand that I am perceived by Sergey and his colleagues as another fruitless attempt by the leadership to change something with superficial actions. Well, that's a perfectly reasonable doubt, as much as it hurts to admit it.

By the end of our coffee drinking, Sergey and I agreed that we would not solve all their problems with my training. But we can fix something.

The next day everything changed. Sergei became a "champion" in all exercises. If someone started to slow down or doubt, then he urged the whole group. By the end of the second day, the "youth group" worked better, more vigorously and more efficiently than the first group of the training.

At the end of the training, we had a great conversation with the guys over a glass of good Scottish drink, but that's another story….

What happened? Miraculously, I managed to understand what was happening by forcing myself to communicate with a person who was initially unpleasant to me. This story taught me a lot. That an unpleasant person is not a diagnosis for life. And most likely, in his behavior there is a reason. And that reason is you.

What do we come from when we talk about building relationships with unpleasant people?

1. Changing another person is hard. The character of a person is laid in deep childhood. A large number of people, including parents, take part in the formation of habits and outlook on life. It is unlikely that you, even using the latest developments in the field of silver bullets, will be able to change the person himself.

Theoretically, having received the education of a coach, building a trusting relationship with a person (so that he begins to perceive you as a coach), you can, but:

2. Do it quickly - it won't work. It's not a matter of two days or one magic trick. You can still hope that the person himself will change. “After all, it’s obvious that it’s stupid to behave like that ...” “Life will teach him ...”

Well, yes. Like Vysotsky:

Now, let me say a couple of words without protocol:
What do families and schools teach us?
That life itself will punish them severely.
Here we agree, tell me, Seryoga?

Well, yes, he will teach. Or not teach - then how lucky. And with this person somehow further to communicate ...

3. Why a person behaves this way - we do not know. As in the case of Sergey from the training, there may be some reason why a person behaves this way.

The most common reason is you. Not in the sense that you are a bad, worthless person. But obviously there was something negative in the person's experience that you match up with. Why - it is not clear, but that's the way it is. That's why:

4. We can do some things ourselves. Throwing a family and going to a monastery is not required. There are much simpler but effective methods.

Reception number 1. Start saying "thank you". In his book The Psychology of Influence, the American sociologist Robert Cialdini formulates the principle of reciprocity. The meaning of the principle is very simple: before expecting something from another person, it would be nice to do something for him.

This principle is supported by numerous studies. For example, in one of them, sociologists decided to check how much the size of a tip in a restaurant depends on whether gum is included in the bill for each guest or not.

The experiment showed that when chewing gum is put, more tips are left. (Do you also get chewing gum on the bill?)

Interestingly, this experiment had a continuation. Sociologists decided to check how the amount of chewing gum provided affects the tip. Two chewing gums increased the tip a little more. But further, the increase in the number of chewing gums ceased to affect.

But the maximum tip, as it turned out, is left by restaurant guests in another case. When the waiter brings them the bill with one gum per person. And leaves. And then, as if thinking, he returns, and gives one more chewing gum.

How can we apply the reciprocity principle to dealing with unpleasant people? What would you give him, the bastard, so that he finally fell in love with us? The easiest way is to start saying "thank you".

For what? Yes for everything! Look, don't tell me that an unpleasant person only does bad things. It's not Dr. Evil. Most likely, he does something useful at work. Sometimes, expresses sound thoughts. Yes, even for criticism, you can say thank you, if there is no fear that the crown will fall off your head.

Once upon a time, I had a chance to work on a big project. With one team we worked especially closely. The team was led by Anton.

Anton is a wonderful guy, we immediately became friends. Tactful, calm, measured, never shouts. But my team didn't like him. At some point it dawned on me why. Anton and I talked in person, a lot by phone and Skype. And he communicated with the team through mail and defect tracking systems. At the same time, the tone of the correspondence was quite official, so formal. And what seemed important to me was that I didn’t see Anton write “thank you” to anyone at least once. I call him:

Antokha, this is such an interesting topic. I looked at our correspondence. In the year and a half that we have been working, I have never seen a thank you from you. Not to the team, not to anyone else.

Come on?!!

Chilean psychologist Marshal Losada once developed the Losada ratio, which tells you what the ratio of positive and negative feedback should be in order for people to listen to you.

That is, it is necessary to praise people 3 times more often than to scold. If you are a parent, then the ratio should be BIGGER in relation to the child, since the child initially listens to you more.

Hence a simple thought, it is also a question: what is the ratio of positive and negative messages from you to a person who is unpleasant to you? Isn't it time to change this?

Reception number 2. Ask for advice. Another important principle in sociology is the Principle of Commitment or the Principle of Consistency.

We all want to feel like people who live and act consistently, in accordance with our values, beliefs, and previous actions.

American sociologists conducted the following experiment. They offered the house owners to hang a 3m by 4m environmental poster on the fence. It is clear that there are not so many big lovers of the environment among house owners, but still, a certain number of people agreed.

Then another group of homeowners were asked to hang a small A4 poster on their home in defense of the same environment. A week later, the researchers came to them with the words: you know, could you replace that small poster with this one. It is slightly larger, A3 format.

In the second group of homeowners, who ended up with a large poster on the fence, it turned out much more. Why? Sequence principle.

How can we use this in dealing with unpleasant people? The easiest way is to ask for advice. For any reason. You take a topic in which this person understands no worse than you (at work, in life, in a hobby). Did he figure out the other department's system? Recently renovated? Started skydiving? Ask him for advice.

When we ask a person for advice, we thereby say a few pleasant things to him:

“I think you are somehow more experienced and smarter than yourself”

"I'm ready to listen to you"

It's nice to hear things like this. What will happen next? When a person has given you advice, it will be hard enough for him to swear at you. Because helping and confronting are different behaviors, and people… love to be consistent. Another technique is based on the same principle:

Reception number 3. Ask for a favor. Historians tell such a story about Benjamin Franklin, yes, that very uncle from a 100-dollar bill. Franklin is interesting not only because he was a famous statesman, but also because he invented and implemented his own method for developing virtues. But the story is not about that. And that in parliament he had one opponent with whom he could not find a common language.

And at some point, Franklin asked him for a rare book that he knew a colleague had. He brought him this book with surprise, and from that moment began to treat him completely differently: he listened to his opinion much more attentively. And their relationship gradually improved.

Why? Obviously, in the head of the opponent there was approximately the following chain:

“Why did he ask me for this book?”

"Is he interested in the same thing as me?"

“Hmm, maybe Franklin isn’t such a bad person…”

From all this, Comrade Franklin concluded that:

The one who once did you a favor will do it again and more willingly than the one who owes you

Asking for a favor is another way to start improving your relationship with someone you don't like.

What to do right now?

Finally, in order for this article not to pass by, but to bring some real benefit, something needs to be done, right? If you have a person in your environment (at work, in the family, somewhere else) who is unpleasant to you, then:

Analyze your relationship history with an unpleasant person
- What did you do to make him treat you well?
- What is your ratio of positive / negative in relationships with people and this person (check your mail)?
- Learn a little more about the person (social networks)
- What can you give him? (advice, favor, gratitude)

Do it!

P.S. If you have your own story about how you improved a relationship with someone who was initially unpleasant to you, write about it in the comments. And if you liked the article, feel free to like and repost so that more people are imbued with the right ideas. :)

Question to a psychologist

Hello! I am 17 years old, graduating from school this year, and I have a problem that is difficult for me to figure out on my own. Even last year, I was withdrawn, insecure, afraid of everything, and I had huge barriers in communicating with people, especially guys. I went to a psychologist, worked hard on myself, gradually overcame my fears, learned to live in the present, not to wait, but to act, love myself, etc. In the summer, I made new friends (guys) with whom I had fun, and they liked talking to me. Right now I am terribly uncomfortable, I can not find a balance between eccentricity in self-expression and common sense. Some put pressure on me with their "norms", "limits", but I give in, I constantly worry that it's boring, uninteresting with me, I'm generally surprised how I had friends before that, how could they tell me that I'm interesting ?? I can not be myself - I DO NOT KNOW what I am, who I am! I constantly need someone's support, opinion, advice. At the same time, thoughts and feelings do not correspond at all to sensations in the body, for example. Everyone has their own social circle. Most are extroverts, I am an introvert. I also want to communicate with many people, but I can’t choose topics, the conversation turns out to be short and stressful. I want to like it, I want to interest, and I know that for this you just need to relax and be yourself, but nothing comes of it :(

Psychologists Answers

Hello Sabina! The fact that you visited a psychologist many times and worked out, which served as a good incentive for new acquaintances and pleasant communication, is wonderful, but it didn’t last long, since you yourself write that the opinion of others who live according to a template, “ so right”, “this is how it should be”, and nothing else - more, and out of habit - such people are calmer and easier to live “like everyone else”, “like others”, however, not their own life, but someone else’s, than to stand out, to express oneself, to discuss, to hear different opinions and at the same time to remain oneself. You are now at such an age, as is your psyche - you are subject to many temptations, views, directions, and there are so many of them that your head can spin, therefore, go in a conscious right direction, BE TRUE TO YOURSELF, only your own body can help you, in of all its integrity: thoughts, feelings, sensations, intuition, and not only pleasant ones, but those that appear and manifest themselves at a given moment in time. And proceeding from the following: suitable - not suitable, pleasant - not pleasant, like - dislike - this is on the one hand, and on the other, what is internally hooked, like a hook - this is what you really need to work with, if it’s difficult on your own, then again turn to a psychologist - work out, and then go on your own. From your letter it is clear that you now need professional support to help you understand yourself, your feelings and work through some unfinished situations that prevent you from adequately accepting yourself in communication, others, relying on yourself. Since the sitting block inside - "meet the expectations of others" - is now much stronger than accepting yourself and presenting yourself as you are, which ultimately gives freedom of choice and respect for the differences of individuals. Since, you still do not fully know yourself and have studied. You can apply for a face-to-face consultation in your city, or contact our psychologists for an online consultation, to whom sympathy will appear - the decision is yours. All the best. Sincerely, Ludmila K.

Most are extroverts, I am an introvert. I also want to communicate with many people, but I can’t choose topics, the conversation turns out to be short and stressful.

Connecting with others is a game and this game can be learned:

1. Make it a rule to be the first to greet those around you. Firstly, you yourself will notice that the more often, the easier it is, and secondly, the quantity (where does it go) turns into quality, and you will soon be ready to say more!

2. Learn to be confident (or pretend to be confident). Straighten your shoulders and lift your chin high, letting the world know (and at the same time reminding yourself) that you have appeared, and you are something of yourself.

3. Do not be afraid to look people in the eye: the interlocutor will understand that you are interested in him, and will reciprocate.

4. Learn the science of small talk. Start with people who are easy and simple to communicate with, gradually switching to prospective friends.

5. Prepare a reason to talk. A little imagination and you will understand that there are a million ways to attract attention to yourself: a magazine in your hand, an unusual decoration or a detail of a toilet - and start a conversation with those who are interested is as easy as shelling pears:

6. Ask actively. If you feel uncomfortable talking to someone, ask more questions that require lengthy answers.

7. Autotraining. Remind yourself periodically that you are a diamond worthy of admiration.

8. Dreaming is not bad. And very useful. Imagine yourself chatting freely with a group of people on any topic, ringleader in a large company, half of which are your ardent fans. Believable? When you believe, you can do it.

9. Theatre studio. So many outstanding actors also had to overcome stiffness. The art of reincarnation helps to look at yourself from the outside.

10. Try to play your antipode, yourself, on the contrary, until you get used to the image completely and irrevocably.

11. Try to do what you fear the most. If you succeed at least something from what you had to give in to before, congratulations, victory is yours!

12. Liberated himself - help another. Support a shy stranger in the company, and then both will not be bored being shy.

13. Accept your condition as a fact. Keep in mind that the world is good because it consists of all sorts of different personalities, including phlegmatic people and people who simply love loneliness. So do not overdo it, because you are you.

People will perceive you exactly as you see yourself.

Hello Sabina.

Someone's support is great! It's hard when you become addicted to it.

But you have changes. Now they are or not? Maybe you began to look at positive changes as for granted?

In your letter, I was most alarmed by the fact that you talk a lot about the reactions of your environment “they liked to communicate with me ... many liked the changes”, you write about yourself in passing and more about actions, but not about feelings « I worked on myself, gradually overcame my fears, learned to live in the present, not to wait, but to act, to love myself.

"with meboring, uninteresting , (and to myself) I’m generally surprised how I had friends before that, how could I be told that I was interesting? I can’t be myself - I DON’T KNOW what I am, who I am!.

What is stopping you from going to your next appointment?

All the best,

Anya.

Hello Sabina! You worked with a psychologist and it helped you. You write that you were interesting, you had friends and you communicated easily. And what happened? Now you are uncomfortable, you are under pressure, you have lost your balance, you do not know what you are. What happened, at what point did you start to change? I think, precisely because you suddenly "lost" yourself, you need advice and support. How do you know that your thoughts and feelings do not match the sensations in your body? Try to answer these questions, and perhaps you will understand something about yourself. If it’s difficult for you to figure it out yourself, contact a psychologist (only not behavioral, but humanistic directions, for example, with a Gestalt therapist), then it will become clear how this discord can be eliminated, how to bring mind and body, behavior and self-relationship into harmony. I will be glad to be of service to you. Gestalt therapy is great for this. All the best, Elena.