IN Everyday life Between people, due to differences in temperaments, conflict situations often occur. This is due, first of all, to a person’s excessive emotionality and lack of self-control. emotions? How to “get the upper hand” over your own feelings and thoughts during a conflict? Psychology provides answers to these questions.

Why do you need self-control?

Restraint and self-control are something that many people lack. This is achieved over time, constantly training and improving skills. Self-control helps to achieve a lot, and the least of this list is inner peace of mind. How to learn to control your emotions and at the same time prevent intrapersonal conflict? Understand that this is necessary and gain agreement with your own “I”.

Control over emotions prevents the conflict situation from worsening and allows you to find someone with completely opposite personalities. To a greater extent, self-control is necessary to establish relationships with people, no matter business partners or relatives, children, lovers.

The influence of negative emotions on life

Disruptions and scandals in which it is released negative energy, have a detrimental effect not only on the people around them, but also on the instigator himself conflict situations. How to learn to restrain your negative emotions? Try to avoid conflicts and not succumb to provocations from other people.

Negative emotions destroy harmonious relationships in the family, hinder normal personal development and career growth. After all, few people want to cooperate/communicate/live with a person who does not control himself and starts a large-scale scandal at every opportunity. For example, if a woman cannot control herself and constantly finds fault with her man, which leads to serious quarrels, then he will soon leave her.

In raising children, it is also important to restrain yourself and not give free rein to negative emotions. The child will feel every word said by the parent in the heat of anger, and will subsequently remember this moment for the rest of his life. Psychology helps to understand how to learn to restrain emotions and prevent their manifestation in communication with children and loved ones.

Negative emotions also have an impact on business and work activities big influence. The team always consists of people of different temperaments, therefore self-control plays an important role here: negativity can spill out at any moment when a person is put under pressure and required to do overwhelming work. And instead of the usual dialogue where the parties can reach a consensus, a scandal develops. How to learn to control your emotions in the workplace? Do not react to employee provocations, try to start a casual conversation, agree with your superiors in everything, even if the assigned tasks are difficult to complete.

Suppression of emotions

Constantly restraining yourself within certain limits and preventing the release of negativity is not a panacea. Suppressing accumulates negativity, and therefore increases the risk of developing psychological diseases. Negativity must be periodically “thrown out” somewhere, but in such a way that the feelings of other people are not harmed. How to learn to restrain emotions, but without harm to inner world? Go in for sports, because during training a person spends all his internal resources, and the negativity quickly goes away.

Wrestling, boxing, and hand-to-hand combat are suitable for releasing negative energy. It is important here that a person mentally wants to give vent to his emotions, then he will feel relief and he will not want to take it out on anyone. However, it is worth considering that everything should be in moderation, and overwork during training can provoke a new influx of negativity.

Two ways to control your emotions:

• Do you dislike a person so much that you are ready to destroy him? Do this, but, of course, not in the literal sense of the word. At the moment when you feel uncomfortable communicating with him, mentally do whatever you want with this person.
• Draw a person you hate and write down on a piece of paper next to the image the problems that appeared in your life thanks to him. Burn the sheet and mentally put an end to your relationship with this person.

Prevention

How to learn to restrain emotions? Psychology gives the following answer to this question: to control your feelings and emotions, prevention is necessary, in other words - emotional hygiene. Like the human body, his soul also needs hygiene and disease prevention. To do this, you need to protect yourself from communicating with people who cause hostility, and also, if possible, avoid conflicts.

Prevention is the most gentle and optimal way to control emotions. It does not require additional human training or specialist intervention. Preventive measures allow for long time protect yourself from negativity and nervous breakdowns.

The main thing that helps you gain control over your emotions is own life. When a person is satisfied with everything in his home, work, relationships, and he understands that at any moment he can influence all this and adjust it to himself, then it is easier for him to restrain the manifestation negative emotions. There are a number of preventive rules that help manage your own feelings and thoughts. How to learn to control your emotions and manage yourself? Follow simple rules.

Unfinished business and debts

Complete all planned tasks in a short time, do not leave the work unfinished - this can cause delays in terms of deadlines, causing negative emotions. Also, “tails” can be reproached, pointing out your incompetence.

IN financially try to avoid late payments and debts - this is exhausting and prevents you from achieving your goal. Understanding that you have not repaid a debt to someone causes negativity and helplessness in the face of current circumstances.

The absence of debts, both financial and other, allows you to fully spend your own energy resources and strength, directing them to the realization of desires. A sense of duty, on the contrary, is an obstacle to mastering self-control and achieving success. How to learn to restrain emotions and control yourself? Eliminate debts in a timely manner.

Cosiness

Create a comfortable experience for yourself workplace, equip your home to your own taste. Both at work and at home, with your family, you should feel comfortable - nothing should cause irritation or any other negative emotions.

Time planning

Try to make smart plans for the day, strive to ensure that you have a little more time and resources to complete your tasks than you need. This will avoid the negativity associated with a constant lack of time and worries about the lack of finances, energy and strength for work.

Communication and Workflow

Avoid contacts with unpleasant people who waste your personal time. Especially with individuals called " energy vampires" - they take up not only your time, but also your energy. If possible, try not to interfere with overly temperamental people, since any incorrect remark directed in their direction can provoke a scandal. How to restrain your emotions in relationships with other people? Be be polite, do not exceed your authority, do not overreact to criticism.

If your job brings you nothing but negative emotions, then you should think about changing your job. Earning money to the detriment of your soul and feelings, sooner or later, will lead to a breakdown and disorder of mental balance.

Marking boundaries

Mentally create a list of things and actions that cause you negative emotions. Draw an invisible line, a line that no one, not even yourself, should cross to a loved one. Create a set of rules that restrict people from communicating with you. Those who truly love, appreciate and respect you will accept such demands, and those who resist these attitudes should not be in your environment. To communicate with strangers, develop a special system that will avoid violating your boundaries and creating conflict situations.

Physical activity and self-reflection

Playing sports will bring not only physical health, but also mental balance. Spend 30 minutes to 1 hour a day on sports, and your body will quickly cope with negative emotions.

At the same time, analyze everything that happens to you during the day. Ask yourself questions about whether you acted correctly in a given situation, whether you communicated with the right people, whether you had enough time to complete the work. This will help not only to understand yourself, but also to eradicate communication with unnecessary people causing negativity. your own emotions, thoughts and goals allows you to fully develop self-control.

Positive emotions and prioritization

Develop the ability to switch from negative emotions to positive ones, try to see in any situation positive sides. How to learn to control emotions in relationships with family and strangers? Be more positive, and this will help you overcome your own temper.

The right goal is a great help in achieving self-control. When you are on the verge of a surge of negative emotions, imagine that as soon as you stop being nervous and paying attention to provocations, your dreams will begin to come true. You should choose only realistic, achievable goals.

Environment

Take a close look at the people around you. Is there any benefit from communicating with them? Do they bring you happiness, warmth and kindness, do they make you happy? If not, then the answer is obvious; you urgently need to change your social circle, switch to individuals who bring positive emotions. Of course, it is impossible to do this in the workplace, but at least limit yourself from communicating with such people outside the work space.

In addition to changing your environment, expanding your social circle will help you develop self-control. This will give you new opportunities, knowledge and a positive charge for a long time.

There are situations when we simply need a figurehead. You can, of course, buy glasses with a nose and mustache, but we don’t think that you will be understood correctly. So you better take our advice. They will help you hide your emotions at the right moment.

Tomatoes and lemons

Psychologists say that the most difficult things to hide are embarrassment and disgust. There are people who, even in situations of extreme embarrassment, will never blush. And there you are - blushing at any compliment from a more or less handsome young man.

In fact, embarrassment manifests itself in everyone, just in different ways (for example, sweaty palms). Only this is easier to hide than a crimson complexion, you must agree. This cannot be completely avoided, but reducing the brightness of the “color” is quite possible. You need to convince yourself that others don’t care about your burning cheeks. Most often this is true. You can also use the techniques that are often offered in acting courses for liberation.

Their essence is to artificially create situations that will cause embarrassment. You can, for example, stand at the exit of the subway and ask: “Can you tell me how to get to the subway?” Get ready to be looked at as if you were a fool. But after the fifth or sixth time, the embarrassment will subside, and you will get the hang of it. Such training will make you feel much more confident. Now let's move on to the lemons. Disgust is best demonstrated by your curled mouth - when the muscles of your face involuntarily clench into a grimace at the sight of something unpleasant.

The best way to hide disgust is to abstract yourself from the object that causes this feeling. Picture in your imagination a small house with a fireplace and yourself in it, a large teddy bear or a porous chocolate bar the size of a brick. Simply put, what calms you down. A more radical way is to pinch yourself on the arm (the painful shock will cause your brain to switch and your face to return to its normal state).

Laughter through tears

Why, when you can’t cry at all, do you urgently need a paper handkerchief, and when in absolute silence someone very important talks about something serious, are you ready to burst into laughter for any reason? This is the effect of the “no” law. Our body constantly requires a surge of adrenaline, and if you don’t jump with a parachute on Sundays, then the release happens in this way.

We all have a pattern since childhood: if it’s impossible, then we need to get this item immediately. Tell yourself: you can laugh and cry too. In any situation. You will see that you will immediately want to laugh and cry less. There are a couple of timeless ways to hold back your tears. The first is to count to ten in your head, stopping for, say, a sausage.

No, no, no need to run to the refrigerator. It will look like this: “One - sausage - two - sausage - three...” And since we are talking about food, it also helps to cope with tears. Carry something sweet in your purse for such occasions, such as candy. The second way is to remember a funny story.

Much has been said about the benefits of laughter, but nevertheless Sometimes laughing is just rude. Switching your attention will help you restrain yourself. If you feel that laughs are already coming, turn sharply away from the object of laughter and multiply seven by thirty-six in your mind, take a deep breath, and then remember the first stanza of Blok’s “Stranger.” You can also draw something in a notebook or try to compose a song.

Terribly interesting

Sometimes you have to hide such a thing as interest. Boys don't like it when girls pay too much attention to them. Still, they are the hunters, and we are the victims - and this formula has been strengthened over the centuries. To hide your interest, try to stay away from the object of desire, talk more quietly, and do not fiddle with your clothes.

Because all of the above actions speak of your difficult attitude towards him. If your hand just reaches out to twirl a strand of hair (on a subconscious level - a sexual appeal), take something in your hand. You will be surprised, but hiding fear is the easiest thing to do. Manifestations of fear are not as obvious as other emotions: dilated pupils, stiffness of the whole body, slight dizziness. Naturally, if you have to go on stage in a minute, but your arms and legs don’t want to obey, this is not very good. First, you should try to determine the causes of fear.

Maybe you are shivering from clowns because as a child your parents showed you a film about a killer clown and your fragile mind, having absorbed this information then, still associates them all with creepy monsters? If there is no time for soul-searching, there is another, much more quick way. Promise yourself something very pleasant - for example, adding new shoes to your wardrobe if you can overcome yourself now.

A smile will also help hide fear - the fact is that when our lips form a smile, a signal is sent to the brain, meaning peace and calm. Then the brain reduces the emotional load on your body, all limbs relax, the tongue begins to function normally again, and you act like a queen.

You can not hold back your emotions, get angry, scream, laugh, cry bitterly and be loudly indignant. Do you think anyone likes such sincerity? Only your enemies enjoy watching this performance. Learning to manage emotions!

Sometimes, succumbing to emotions or allowing ourselves to be led by false feelings, we commit actions that we later repent of. At the same time, we make excuses that we have lost control over ourselves, so emotions have prevailed over reason. That is, we did not control our emotions, but they controlled us.

Is it really that bad? Perhaps there is nothing good in the lack of self-control. People who do not know how to control themselves, maintain self-control and subordinate their feelings to their will, as a rule, do not achieve success in anything. personal life, nor in the professional sphere.

They don't think about it tomorrow, and their expenses often far exceed their income.

Unrestrained people flare up like a match during any quarrel, unable to stop in time and compromise, which earns them the reputation of a conflict person. At the same time, they also destroy their health: doctors claim that many diseases have a direct connection with such negative emotions as anger, etc. People who value their own peace and nerves prefer to avoid them.

People who are not used to limiting themselves spend too much free time in empty entertainment and useless conversations. If they make promises, they themselves are not sure whether they can fulfill them. It is not surprising that no matter what field they work in, they are rarely professionals in their field. And the reason for it all is lack of self-control.

A developed sense of self-control allows you to maintain a cool head, sober thoughts and understanding in any situation that feelings may turn out to be false and lead to a dead end.

There are also situations when we need to hide our emotions in our own interests. “Sometimes I am a fox, sometimes I am a lion,” said the French commander. “The secret... is to understand when to be one and when to be another!”

People who control themselves deserve respect and enjoy authority. On the other hand, many people think they are callous, heartless, “insensitive blockheads” and...incomprehensible. Much more understandable to us are those who from time to time “go all out,” “break down,” lose control of themselves and commit unpredictable acts! Looking at them, we also seem to ourselves not so weak. Moreover, becoming restrained and strong-willed is not so easy. So we reassure ourselves that the life of people who are guided by reason and not by feelings is joyless, and therefore unhappy.

That this is not the case is evidenced by an experiment conducted by psychologists, as a result of which they came to the conclusion: people who can overcome themselves and resist momentary temptation are more successful and happy than those who are unable to cope with emotions.

The experiment is named after Michel Walter, a psychologist from Stanford University. It is also known as the “marshmallow test” because one of its main “heroes” is an ordinary marshmallow.

The experiment, conducted in the 60s of the last century, involved 653 4-year-old children. They were taken one by one into a room where one marshmallow lay in a plate on the table. Each child was told that he could eat it now, but if he waited 15 minutes, he would get another one, and then he could eat both. Michel Walter would leave the child alone for a few minutes and then return. 70% of children ate one marshmallow before he returned, and only 30 waited and received a second one. It is curious that the same percentage was observed during a similar experiment in two other countries where it was conducted.

Michel Walter followed the fate of his students and after 15 years came to the conclusion that those who at one time did not succumb to the temptation to get “everything now”, but were able to control themselves, turned out to be more learnable and successful in their chosen areas of knowledge and interests. Thus, it was concluded that the ability to self-control significantly improves a person’s quality of life.

Isaac Pintosevich, who is called the “success coach,” argues that those who have no control over themselves and their actions should forget about efficiency forever.

How to learn to manage yourself

1. Let's remember the “marshmallow test”

30% of 4-year-old children already knew how. This character trait was inherited from them “by nature,” or this skill was instilled in them by their parents.

Someone said: “Don’t raise your children, they will still be like you. Educate yourself." Indeed, we want to see our children restrained, but we ourselves throw tantrums in front of their eyes. We tell them that they must cultivate willpower, but we ourselves show weakness. We remind them to be punctual and we are late for work every morning.

Therefore, we begin to learn to control ourselves by carefully analyzing our behavior and identifying “weak points” - where exactly we allow ourselves to “unravel.”

2. Components of control

The aforementioned Yitzhak Pintosevich believes that in order for control to be effective, it must include 3 components:

1. Be honest with yourself and have no illusions about yourself;
2. You should control yourself systematically, and not occasionally;
3. Control should be not only internal (when we control ourselves), but also external. For example, we promised to solve a problem within such and such a period. And, in order not to leave ourselves a loophole for retreat, we announce this among our colleagues. If we do not meet the stated time, we pay them a fine. The danger of losing a decent amount of money will serve as a good incentive not to be distracted by extraneous matters.

3. We write down the main goals facing us on a sheet of paper and put (or hang) it in a visible place

Every day we monitor how far we have managed to move towards their implementation.

4. Putting our financial affairs in order

We keep our loans under control, remember whether we have any debts that urgently need to be repaid, and balance debits with credits. Our emotional state is quite dependent on the state of our finances. Therefore, the less confusion and problems there are in this area, the less reason we will have to “lose our temper.”

5. Observe our reaction to events that evoke strong emotions in us and analyze whether they are worth our worries

We imagine the worst case scenario and understand that it is not as terrible as the consequences of our inadequate and thoughtless behavior.

6. We do everything the other way around

We are angry with a colleague, and we are tempted to tell him “a couple of kind words" Instead, we smile welcomingly and give a compliment. If we were offended that another employee was sent to the conference instead of us, we should not be angry, but would be happy for him and wish him a happy journey.

Since the very morning we have been overcome by laziness, so we turn on the music and get down to some business. In a word, we act contrary to what our emotions tell us.

7. A famous phrase says: we cannot change our circumstances, but we can change our attitude towards them.

We are surrounded different people, and not all of them are friendly and fair to us. We cannot be upset and indignant every time we encounter someone else's envy, anger, or rudeness. We need to come to terms with what we cannot influence.

8. The best assistant in mastering the science of self-control is meditation.

How physical exercise develop the body, just as meditation trains the mind. Through daily meditation sessions, you can learn to avoid negative emotions and not give in to passions that interfere with a sober view of circumstances and can destroy your life. With the help of meditation, a person immerses himself in a state of calm and achieves harmony with himself.

A chance meeting with a friend of our youth whom we had long lost sight of; emergency situation on the road; speaking in front of an unfamiliar audience; the long-awaited first “mom” or “dad” from the lips of a child - many events daily awaken our emotions. We are embarrassed by them, afraid to look ridiculous from the outside, we restrain ourselves and think that we control them. And yet emotions get the better of us every now and then.

Double standards

Perhaps the fact is that we grew up in a society where the ability to control our feelings - “master ourselves” - has always been considered a virtue. Self-control, like a vigilant guard, constantly reminds us: it is indecent to behave too emotionally, you cannot openly show your anger, you need to hide your fear, restrain your excitement and even joy.

Any strong emotional reaction may seem inappropriate, funny, even obscene and be perceived as a manifestation of our weakness.

There are not many exceptions: this is joy or anxiety experienced simultaneously by many people who find themselves in certain circumstances. So, it’s natural to shout and chant slogans together football stadium or empathize together in front of a television screen, on which a tsunami wave sweeps away a peaceful beach. But, let’s say, dancing in the office on the occasion of a promotion is, to put it mildly, not accepted - just as openly experiencing one’s grief is not accepted.

Strict self-control creates a certain psychological comfort for us: ritualized manifestations of emotions somewhat soften the state of affect (strong short-term emotional experience) and regulate it. But at the same time, self-control causes frustration, creating a dangerous gap between how we feel and how we behave.

Thanks to emotions, we express our true self and become clearer to other people. We also need emotions to survive.

Those whose own emotionality interferes with their lives sometimes try to “drown out” it with the help of a miracle pill. Many people blame their own parents, who raised them “wrongly,” for what they think is their excessive sensitivity. But both do not know or forget how important the manifestation of emotions is for our lives. Thanks to them, we express our true “I” and become clearer to other people. Moreover, emotions are essential for our survival.

In this sense, by suppressing our emotions, we literally put ourselves at risk, because each of them plays its own special role.

Fear tells us about real or imagined danger. It captures what is meaningful to our lives in this moment. Fear not only receives information, but also gives commands to the body: it directs blood to the legs, if you should run, or to the head, if you need to think. Typically, fear mobilizes our energy, although sometimes its effect is the opposite: it paralyzes us while we decide how to act in a particular situation.

Anger sometimes confused with the violence it can provoke. Typically, this feeling comes over a person when he suspects that he is not being taken seriously (and some people live with this feeling all the time). But anger can also be useful: it causes the release of hormones (including adrenaline) into the blood, and they, in turn, provide a powerful surge of energy. And then we feel our strength, we feel courage and self-confidence. In addition, anger indicates to us that we have reached a point beyond which we can no longer control ourselves - in a sense, it replaces the manifestation of violence.

Joy acts like a magnet: it attracts others and helps them share their feelings. It is also known that smiling and laughter have therapeutic effect, strengthening the body's immune defense

Grief helps to withdraw into oneself in order to survive the loss (of a loved one, some qualities in oneself, material objects...) and return the energy of life. It allows you to “overcome yourself,” adapt to the loss and re-find the lost meaning of what is happening. In addition, the experience of grief evokes the sympathy and attention of other people - and we feel more protected.

Joy- the most desired emotion. She is the one who releases maximum amount energy, stimulating the release of pleasure hormones. We feel confidence, self-worth, freedom, we feel that we love and are loved. Joy acts like a magnet: it attracts others to us and helps us share our feelings. It is also known that smiling and laughter have a healing effect, strengthening the body's immune defense.

Mind and Feelings

Another important benefit of emotions is that they make us smarter. For a long time, science in some sense devalued them, placing them below the thinking mind. Indeed, from the point of view of evolution, emotions were born in the depths of the “pre-human” archaic mind and are closely related to the instinctive behavior of animals. New sections of the cerebral cortex, which, in particular, are responsible for the processes of conscious thinking, appeared much later.

But today it is known that in pure form the mind does not exist - it is fueled by emotions. American neurologist Antonio Damasio proved that cognition that is not accompanied by emotions turns out to be fruitless, and an emotionally cold person is not able, for example, to learn lessons from his mistakes. It is interesting that children and adults learn and remember something new only against the backdrop of a positive and sufficiently strong emotional impulse, which, figuratively speaking, opens the door to a new area of ​​neural connections.

In a professional environment, the most successful are not specialists with multiple diplomas, but those who are able to analyze their feelings and manage both their own and others’ emotions

Perception also does not exist without emotions. Every word we perceive, every gesture, smell, taste, image is immediately “interpreted” by our senses. Without emotions, we would turn into automata and lead a rather colorless existence.

Psychologist Daniel Goleman introduced the concept of “ emotional intellect" He concluded that our personal success depends less on IQ, a measure of intellectual development, and more on our emotional quotient (EQ).

Based on experimental data, he proved that in a professional environment, the most successful are not specialists with many diplomas, but those who have valuable human qualities- the ability to analyze your feelings and manage both your own and others’ emotions.

When such people, for example, ask for help in solving some problem, those around them readily respond, while “emotionally disabled” (with low EQ) can wait several days for an answer to their request...

Voice of the unconscious

Emotions tell us vital information about ourselves or what we are dealing with, and therefore we should trust them, listen to them and rely on them. At first glance, it seems that such an existential position contradicts the personal experience of many of us: more than once we have made mistakes in following our feelings.

Largest German philosopher Max Scheler explained this contradiction by the existence of two types of sensations. On the one hand, there are contact sensations that act like the mechanism of touch.

When we feel joy, we feel better, we can relax, we worry less, and therefore we are able to experience “ more life" If something upsets or makes us angry, we almost physically feel that our health, energy, “part of life,” is being taken away from us. Contact feelings communicate important information about the existential significance of what is happening for my health, my vitality. But one should not rely on such feelings (often coming from childhood) when making decisions; it is important to be able to set them aside and put them out of brackets.

If you look back at your life, you will probably notice that all the most important and correct decisions in it were made relying on instinct: rational explanations usually come later

Another type of sensation is distant. They are not directly related to our current state, but they capture something very significant about another person. This is a well-known intuitive feeling. It is this that prompts us to ask a loved one: “Did something happen to you?” Or he says: “We urgently need to call home!”

We are not taught to listen to distant feelings, but they are the ones that allow us to instantly assess the atmosphere in a group of people and form an impression about the interlocutor or the situation. If you look back at your life, you will probably notice that all the most important and correct decisions in it were made by relying on instinct: rational explanations usually come later.

Trust in your emotions can and should be cultivated and trained. It is only important not to confuse contact feelings, which report about us personally, with distant feelings, which talk about another person.

High voltages

When the power of experiences is too great, our mechanisms turn on psychological protection- and we don’t feel anything anymore. Depression, apathy, stupor - this is how it looks from the outside, but from the inside a person simply no longer hurts, as during anesthesia. We transform suppressed (“forgotten”) emotions into bodily sensations, erasing the relationship between the emotional experience and what caused it.

Sometimes emotions take on the appearance of their opposite. Sadness is sometimes expressed as euphoric excitement; joy is in tears; sometimes we can laugh out loud - as long as despair does not crush us. Psychological defense mechanisms deplete our mental and physical strength and almost always turn out to be ineffective: at some point, true feelings break through and overwhelm us.

Those who successfully hide their emotions are also susceptible to their pressure. You can fake laughter, play anger, lie about your true feelings, but it’s still impossible to pretend forever: sooner or later they will come out. So it’s better to be able to accept them as they are.

Are you quick-tempered or hypersensitive, complex or paralyzed by fear... Try to master several simple exercises that will help harmonize your emotions.

You have a complex

You hold back, not allowing yourself to express either anger or joy... There is a motive for your behavior that is not easy for you to admit. The solution is to “let go” of yourself, to free your feelings.

Try to express your feelings with gestures

Words are important, but 90% of our emotions are expressed through facial expressions and the body. A smile, posture, gestures - even a simple shrug says more about our attitude to what is happening than long speeches...

Acknowledge the existence of emotions

If a child is afraid of wolves, it is useless to convince him that they are not found in our forests. Accepting his feelings, parents may ask, “What can I do to calm you down?” There is no shame in being afraid, there is no need to be ashamed of fears.

None of our emotions are dangerous; they are our allies, from whom we should not constantly expect a dirty trick.

Keep a diary

You're paralyzed by fear

The higher the “stakes” (that is, the greater the loss if you lose and the greater the reward if you win), the more you panic. You are so afraid of failure that you mentally imagine the most catastrophic scenarios and you give up. The solution is to master your feelings and overcome the “paralysis” of the will.

Who is the person who frightens you like? Maybe the teacher who tormented you as a child, or the neighbor who did not give you access? Each stressful situation awakens in us memories of something we experienced in the past, often in the first six years of life. And the feeling of fear that we could not overcome returns to us again.

Breathe correctly

Focus on your breathing: lengthen your exhalations and shorten your inhales to neutralize your internal sensations.

Remember your successes

About, for example, how you passed an exam brilliantly or won a tennis set against a friend. By drawing on past successes and the feelings of pleasure associated with them, you can overcome the desire to see catastrophic scenarios of events that have not yet happened.

Prepare for the test

Consider possible options events, determine what you want to achieve in any case, and what you can give in... This will help you better control your emotions.

Look at your interlocutor, but not directly in the eyes, but at a point between them

You will be able to focus on what you say, and not on what you read in his eyes...

You have a short temper

The solution is to learn to control your feelings and manage a conflict situation.

Don't accumulate complaints

The more you accumulate them in yourself, the more you risk breaking down. By speaking up about your grievances, you help yourself avoid an outburst of unbridled anger.

Learn to express your feelings clearly

Name the feeling that bothers you. Without complaining or blaming, say openly: “I’m having problems at work, I’m stressed out and don’t know what to do.”

Take breaks

The brain needs time to make a decision and take control of the situation. Relax your solar plexus by taking a deep breath, hold it for a few seconds, exhale and wait before inhaling again. Close your eyes for 2-3 seconds from time to time: turning off visual signals reduces stress.

American psychotherapist Haim Ginott advises constructing your statements according to the scheme: “When you did X, I felt Y, and at that moment I wanted you to do Z.” For example: “When you reproached me for being late, I felt guilty. It would be better if you hugged me instead of scolding me.”

Give a helping hand

Before responding to aggression with aggression, ask the “aggressor”: “Is there anything wrong with you?” Or offer him a truce: “I’m starting to get nervous, let’s take a break and cool down.”

You are hypersensitive

You react sharply to both criticism and compliments. The solution is to establish balanced relationships with people.

Don't focus on yourself

You worry excessively about what others think of you. Try to “move away” a little from yourself and show empathy (empathy). Learn to put yourself in another person's shoes. What is he thinking about? What is he worried about? This change in perspective helps change the relationship strategy.

Don't strive to be loved by everyone

Sometimes it’s worth taking a risk and agreeing that your actions will not please someone and will make life difficult for others. It is impossible to avoid manifestations of rivalry, antipathy, and incompatibility of characters. The more clearly you understand this, the easier it will be for you to accept it, and the harder it will be for others to deceive you.

Try to find trigger situations

Make a list of situations in which you are particularly vulnerable and words that provoke you. inappropriate behavior. When you encounter them again, you will be able to recognize them and not get confused.

Avoid categorical forecasts

Addressing yourself in a commanding tone (“I have to make a career!”) or a minor tone (“I’ll probably live my whole life alone…”) is not good for you: you feel the weight of guilt for your troubles, and this weakens your vitality and does not allow you to tune in to win.

It’s a strange thing - we can laugh when cats are scratching at our souls, we can struggle to hold back a smile if we are sincerely happy about something, and we will never show others that we are afraid, because we consider this a sign of weakness. We skillfully hide our feelings, and then we worry that we are not us at all. “Cleo” decided to figure out why this was happening and how to finally take off the mask of “impenetrability.”

As a child, it was much easier to show your emotions. More precisely, we didn’t even think about how we look when we cry or laugh. If we hit our knee, we’ll roar, we’ll receive a long-awaited doll as a gift, and we’ll smile from ear to ear. It would never even occur to a child that it is possible to hide his feelings from others. The truth speaks through the mouth of a baby, and in this case we are talking not only about the verbal method of transmitting information, but also about the emotional one. Children are sincere - they are not afraid (and do not even think about fear!) to show what is currently happening in their souls.

When we become adults, we put on masks of indifference and seem to stop being ourselves. Along with childhood, emotional sincerity leaves us, and in its place come doors and locks, which we ourselves lock.

1. JOY

Do you think it’s easy to laugh when it’s really funny, and to sincerely rejoice at a person you haven’t seen for a long time? If so, then you are very lucky. But most of us consider it bad form to laugh out loud and throw ourselves on the neck of a loved one when we meet. They firmly believe that educated people behave with restraint. And those around them think that they are “fake” and they should work on themselves.

Why is this happening? Unfortunately, education is to blame. My parents wanted the best, but it turned out so-so. All these reprimands in the spirit of “don’t laugh so loudly”, “be more modest” backfired on us - fearing to disappoint mom and dad, we carried out their orders 200 percent, becoming quiet and modest.

What to do about it? What's wrong with genuine joy? That's right, nothing. So why not allow yourself to smile when you want and sincerely say to a loved one: “I’m so glad to see you.” Positive emotions you have to share, only then there will be more of them.

We would prefer to fight the attack of nausea, but we would never say the simple phrase: “I am very afraid of flying.”

2. FEAR

It is stupid to think that there are people in the world who are not afraid of anything. Even if spiders, darkness and heights are not on the list of their fears, at least flying or going to the dentist makes them nervous on the eve of the “execution”. The strange thing is that admitting our fears is tantamount to admitting our own weakness. We would prefer to fight the attack of nausea, but we would never say the simple phrase: “I am very afraid of flying.”

Why is this happening? Strictly speaking, the answer lies on the surface: to say that you are afraid of something means to admit that you are vulnerable. Modern man, who is in an eternal pursuit of success, cannot afford such luxury. Vulnerability is the lot of the “average”.

What to do about it? If you close your eyes to a problem, it will not be solved. It's the same with fears. They must not be hidden, they must be fought. Even Superman, whom most "invulnerables" subconsciously look up to, admitted that he was afraid of kryptonite.

3. ANGER

How many times have you said that everything is fine, even if you wanted to tear and throw? Hundreds. A friend told your secret to her friend - it’s okay, don’t get hysterical because of it, it’s not such a terrible secret. Has your boss created a quarrel for you without figuring out who is right and who is wrong? Well, you will listen to him obediently, swallow the insult, but your family will get the full benefit. Indignation, like a spoon, is expensive for dinner, but you prefer to pretend that everything is fine.

Why is this happening? Because “decent” people don’t create scandals. Only “indecent” ones defend their position in a raised voice, and we are so afraid that those around us will consider us quarrelsome and unbalanced boors. Therefore, it is better to turn one cheek after the other than to be branded as a hysterical woman.

What to do about it? Break stereotypes and realize that no one will stand up for you but you. Of course, you shouldn’t shout at the first person you meet because he somehow looked at you wrong, but you can explain to your friend that you don’t need to give away other people’s secrets.

"They fall in love with unavailable people!" - you explain your behavior, and then you wonder why he passes by every time.

4. SYMPATHY

You like a man, but you pretend that you don’t see him point blank. "They fall in love with unavailable people!" - you explain your behavior, and then you wonder why he passes by every time. The same, by the way, applies to friendly and family relations: for some reason, we are sometimes afraid to show even close people that we need them

Why is this happening? It's all about the fear of being rejected. Perhaps your family was not the happiest when you were a little girl, perhaps someone betrayed you personally. Negative experience constantly repeats: “Don’t reveal your soul if you don’t want it to hurt.”

What to do about it? It’s realistic to look at the world and understand that betrayal and betrayal will not go away, but loyalty and love will always coexist next to them. So why not believe in the best?

5. RESULT

If you constantly hush up a grudge, be prepared that one day you will explode, and then it will be bad for both you and those around you. Moreover, here’s the paradox - those around you won’t even understand what all the fuss is about. They had forgotten everything long ago and could not imagine that you were mentally “savoring” the affairs of days gone by.

Why is this happening? Because as children it was very popularly explained to us that only kids in the sandbox get offended, and adults smart people they don't behave like that. So we've got it all figured out - it's not serious to be offended.

What to do about it? Break yourself and voice your feelings to the person who offended you. Unexpressed grievances destroy your psyche, and some of them, by the way, turn out to be far-fetched. It’s better to strike while the iron is hot than to suffer later because of something unsaid in time: “I’m unpleasant, you offended me.”

We often suffer greatly from the fact that we cannot fully express our feelings and emotions. Sometimes we realize that we have hurt someone with our callousness when it is too late, when the moment is irretrievably lost. In general, many problems would be solved much faster and easier if people knew how to correctly and delicately talk about what is in their hearts right now. It’s probably worth at least once trying to proudly respond “thank you” to your superiors’ praise in order to feel a little happier. It will be easier later. Down and Out trouble started.