At times, we deliberately ignore or belittle something, diminish our own or other people's virtues and inflate shortcomings.

There are people who can communicate with others only through devaluation. This is their only possible behavior. Moreover, not always conscious.

Devaluation can be called a shell that protects against negative emotions. He is a kind of armor in which it is cozy and reliable.

Why should everything be underestimated?

A devaluing pattern of behavior is designed to constantly feed and maintain the self-esteem of the one who does it.

The conceit of this person is unstable, it requires constant external support. And to devalue everything around is the easiest way to get it.

The self-respect of all devaluing people is maintained not at the expense of self-development or self-improvement, but by belittling everyone and everything that surrounds them.

Respect develops in two ways: you need to either move up yourself, or lower everything around you. Depreciation suggests the second option. It is simpler and therefore seems more efficient.

Defensive reaction

Sometimes, through devaluation, people maintain their low self-esteem. They downplay their merits, advantages, making them less significant and important.

This is necessary to insure yourself against frustration in the event of a possible failure.

That is, if something does not work out, you can always easily justify the situation by saying that "it's me, the loser."

If everyone around is regularly informed about their own insignificance and insolvency, then no one will expect anything special. People who devalue themselves achieve this.

By devaluing, some people protect themselves from feelings. Moreover, they mainly downplay the importance of those who they really really need.

After all, it’s easier to say that “all men are goats” than to admit the fact that you feel bad without one of them.

Replacement of idealization

Sometimes the downplaying of the value of a person happens because earlier this person was erected on a pedestal, considered almost an ideal.

A person first idealizes those to whom he is emotionally attached, and then bitterly disappointed.

In order to avoid this, it is easier to immediately belittle the value of the admired person, convincing everyone, including yourself, that he is not important and not significant. Everyone has a tendency to idealize something or someone.

But the less a person is psychologically mature, the weaker he is emotionally, the stronger this quality manifests itself.

And the more idealization, the stronger later disappointment and resentment. Idealists are prone to various illusions, after the destruction of which they suffer, experiencing hard.

Devaluation allows you not to initially endow a person with important qualities and not be upset about him in the future.

Causes of devaluing behavior

Like so much else in the field of psychology, the roots of this problem grow from childhood. Parents are not ideal.

It is possible that for educational purposes they pointed out to the child how not independent he is, how often everything needs to be cleaned up after him, or how long he has to babysit.

All this was done in order for the child to become independent. But instead of developing this quality, an inferiority complex was born and strengthened in the child's psyche.

In adult life, it seems to such a person that in order not to look like an “ugly duckling” against the background of the rest, everything needs to be devalued.

Many parents adopted the parenting model from their moms and dads, but everyone is different. If parents in childhood were not broken by this, this does not mean that the same should be expected from their child.

The more humiliation experienced in childhood, the stronger in adulthood a person will want to prove his own importance and significance.

And he will do it at the expense of others. In part, this is how anger at the world and at people is manifested. Psychologists say that this is one of the manifestations of an inferiority complex.

How to deal with such people

Since devaluation is a form of psychological abuse, it is best to avoid it. If possible, you need to protect yourself from such people or reduce communication with them to a minimum.

If a loved one likes to devalue everything, you must definitely inform him that this style of communication hurts you and brings suffering.

He probably didn't mean to hurt you. Such a behavioral model is realized unconsciously or out of habit.

Any communication should be beneficial or pleasant, but with devaluing people, a cute dialogue is impossible. So the best advice is not to keep in touch with them or just not react to their behavior.

Hello dear readers of my blog! Our psyche is arranged in such an interesting way that it often helps to cope with a lot of troubles. If each of us knew how our body protects us, then perhaps we would be happier.

For example, depreciation in psychology is a defense mechanism that makes it easier to experience moments associated with the fact that we cannot get what we want,. It is about the devaluation today that will be discussed in this article.

I assure you, you will learn a lot about yourself and the people around you. Let's get started.

What can be discounted

In fact, virtually everything can depreciate - people, goals, emotions. The main task of devaluation is self-help. We do not admit to ourselves our own, and therefore we find a reason to reduce the importance of a once significant phenomenon.

When we are disappointed in something and understand that in our opinion it will not happen, then we lose all interest, we think that this is not how we wanted it.

For example, in childhood we can admire our parents. Unfortunately, over time, a teenager realizes that not every adult is perfect. Let's assume he gets little attention. He tries his best to win time, but nothing works. As a result, the child stops making efforts and finds interesting people among peers. The authority of adults is depreciated.

It is likely that the trouble is really very serious, and so that the interlocutor is not swallowed up, he instantly devalues ​​your problem to zero. He is afraid to delve into your state, to feel the same. Do not be offended, and even more so insist on showing sympathy. It is possible that your problem will bring significant damage to this person.

With what depreciation is, we figured it out. But this positive phenomenon also has a downside.

manipulation

Sometimes, depreciation does not come from within. A certain person uses techniques to get you. For example, you are a wonderful hostess, but instead of gratitude, the husband insists that this is normal. Your efforts are insignificant. At work, in order not to, various methods can also be applied to you so that you feel your own failure.

Will play on feelings such as shame and fear. Your achievements will be compared with other, often hypertrophied options. Let's return to the example with the same wife and a wonderful hostess.

The husband, since he himself does not meet the criteria for an ideal spouse, has devalued the behavior of his wife in his own head. Don't be so quick to blame him. We have already said that this is just a defense mechanism. As a result, he became a manipulator and tries to impose his opinion on his wife.

Most likely, he will recall all sorts of mythical characters (“And the other half of Ivan Petrovich is still working”) and collective images (“In Rus', a woman also had time to deal with five children”).

In fact, such a husband can only be regretted. He is the woman who is next to him. He cannot realize his own happiness, he sets himself and those around him to the negative. There is no value, everything is wrong and wrong.

A highly qualified psychologist is the best help to cope with this misfortune, since the formation of this phenomenon affects the protective mechanisms of the psyche itself. If you try to "remove" the protection on your own and thoughtlessly select ways to deal with it, then it is not known what consequences this will lead to.

If you are interested in the principles of our psyche, I can recommend a very interesting book. "Psychology. People, concepts, experiments" by Paul Kleinman. It contains information about the most significant figures and research in the world of psychology. It is impossible to break away - the phenomenon of the "small world", the bystander effect, the Stanford prison experiment and much more.

Also, don't forget to subscribe to the newsletter. New articles appear regularly on my blog. See you again.

Devaluation is a defense mechanism that works on the principle of downplaying the feelings, values, and successes of others or one's own. Depreciation received in contact with a loved one is a very unpleasant thing that can ruin relationships. It is especially sad that it is sometimes hidden under the mask of care, good advice or an “objective assessment” of our results and achievements. We analyze the most common options for depreciation and ways to constructively respond to them.

Downplaying results

“Your story is not a masterpiece, of course, but very good”, “For Moscow, this is not a very big salary, but not bad, yes, not bad” - and similar statements in the spirit of “your achievements, of course, are not brilliant, but they will do.”

For some reason, the interlocutor is uncomfortable hearing about your successes, and he wants to reduce their importance. We all sometimes experience envy, and at some point we can behave incorrectly from this. Someone is sensitive to the topic of success in their personal lives, someone is worried about their own financial insolvency, and therefore she or he may react nervously to the message of a salary increase or a trip to an expensive resort.

It is important how often your progress in contact with this or that person is devalued. Perhaps it’s not scary if a relative or acquaintance once made a faux pas, this happens. But if this began to happen systematically, this is an alarming bell: there is too much competition and aggression in the relationship, which means less trust and warmth.

The game of "lowering" is loved by parents - usually those who are in unconscious competition with the child, or those who still believe that raising the bar is a good motivation for a breakthrough. “Educate” in this way continues both twenty-year-olds and forty-year-olds.

How to fight:

“For me, this is a success, and I am proud of it.” You explain to the interlocutor that no matter what the average salary in the market or the literary value of your story, you are proud of your achievements and will not allow to belittle their significance. After all, there is no “objective” success for everyone. Unfortunately, this phrase does not work for everyone. But the absence of changes should serve as a signal: this person, alas, is not worth looking for support and approval.

“And many are even worse!”

This is just classic devaluation: in response to your complaints, you are invited to think about those who are doing even worse. “And in Africa, children are starving”, “Think about those who are worse off now”, “So what if they didn’t manage to give birth themselves, and they did a caesarean section - some can’t get pregnant for years at all.” The interlocutor more often indulges in lengthy discussions about the need to be grateful for what we have, because many would dream of such a thing: such a house, such a husband, such children. The reasoning in theory is even correct ... But untimely.

What does it really mean:

Not everyone can be in contact with someone else's pain, disappointment and resentment. Reference to "b" O more suffering" helps to distance oneself from the interlocutor and at the same time devalue his experiences as insignificant.

Meanwhile, difficult feelings sometimes just need to be shared. And at this moment it does not matter at all whether your soup is liquid or small diamonds. Undoubtedly, a person from the Indian slums would dream of your "one-room apartment" with grandmother's renovation. But since childhood, you have dreamed of a beautiful house on the banks of the river or five children, and that every time after childbirth there would not be sparks from your eyes after the surgical anesthesia had worn off. And now you have an unfulfilled dream and a premonition that it may never come true.

How to fight:

"I'm sorry, but this is important to me, and I'm really upset." You directly tell the interlocutor that you refuse to consider your experiences of little value. If he or she is willing to listen to you, a very constructive dialogue about values, goals, and how you can solve your problems can turn out. If not, perhaps this is not the person in front of whom you should show your vulnerability and, again, wait for support.

Reference to "excessive emotionality"

When you are offended or hurt, you are told that your reaction is inadequate. “You are so emotional!”, “Well, why do you perceive everything so sharply”, “You don’t understand jokes at all.”

What does it really mean:

Indeed, there are hypersensitive people, touchy and receptive to everything. In addition, everyone has periods of fatigue, stress, increased irritability, when there seems to be no skin and literally everything touches. Therefore, it is sometimes difficult to distinguish: I am so emotional and everywhere I see offensive overtones, or the interlocutor really offends me under the guise of “jokes” and “friendly banter”.

Important criterion: a person who did not want to offend you is unlikely to aggressively defend himself and turn everything over to you, rather be confused. If people use references to “hypersensitivity” after offensive jokes, frankly harsh words, rude expressions, and then refer to your “excessive touchiness” - this is real manipulation and psychological violence.

How to fight:

“It was unpleasant for me,” you say and explain that you heard offensive things in a phrase or joke. Thus, you simultaneously broadcast that you do not consider your feelings superfluous and inappropriate. Then everything depends on the response. A person who wants to maintain a good relationship is more likely to enter into a dialogue: he will try to find out what exactly hurt you, explain what he meant. If he or she continues to discount your feelings, consider increasing the distance or ending the relationship. This behavior is toxic: it is designed to first make you feel strong negative feelings, and then reassure you that this is not normal.

Magical thinking. You are told that you can’t talk about bad things and think: “Do not anger fate (God)”, “If you say that everything is bad, everything will be bad.”

What does it really mean: again, unwillingness to face other people's pain plus magical thinking.

There is no law of nature, according to which a person who mentions something bad will certainly “attract” him to himself. There is a certain perceptual frame that can really make us pay more attention to disturbing, hurtful, hurting events and less to good ones. Usually this happens to people after injuries, a difficult childhood, some kind of loss and stress. There is nothing abnormal in this, not everyone in this world radiates optimism.

There is also a state in which we make bad decisions, and then troubles really pour in as if from a cornucopia. But there is no evil magic in this either: it’s just that a person, for example, in a state of chronic lack of sleep and stress, is quite logically late, mixes up the schedule and copes with business less efficiently – simply because he is tired and his cognitive abilities are reduced. But there is no law of “attraction of the bad”.

How to fight:

Try to explain to a relative or friend what exactly worries you in this situation and why it is not about fate, but about your anxiety, whether it is justified or not. And whether to communicate with such a pessimist is up to him. But accusing you of "wrong thinking" is not entirely fair.

Positive psychology in the bad sense of the word

“Just look at things positively”, “It all depends on our attitude” - phrases spoken at the moment when you are in serious trouble or when something threatens you.

What does it really mean:

This is an example of how the good and healthy idea of ​​adult responsibility for one's life has been distorted. Not everything depends on our attitude.

There are regions with high salaries and depressive ones. Of the second, people want to move - not because they cannot see the good, but because they want to receive a decent salary for your work and feed the children. There are good men and there are not so good ones. You can build relationships with a person who wants to build them, but it is better to stay away from someone who throws heavy objects at you and screams. You can't force an alcoholic husband to stop drinking or a psychopathic boss to scream at every meeting with the power of love.

The responsibility in this case is to consider ending the relationship or changing jobs. Looking positively at an abusive partner is life-threatening.

How to fight:

In mild cases, such as when you are told to "look positively" at trouble at work, you can try discussing the idea of ​​looking positively at the threat of being fired. Maybe there will be sane arguments (you yourself have been dissatisfied with this place for a long time), or the interlocutor will agree that everything is not very rosy and you should be supported in some other way.

In severe cases—for example, when you are asked to “look positively” at an abusive partner or a serious illness—it is appropriate to react harshly. Perhaps the interlocutor will leave their alternate reality and think about your physical safety and the seriousness of your problems. But in general, such a relationship does not have many chances.

How to recognize depreciation in a relationship and what to do about it

Devaluation is a defense mechanism that works on the principle of downplaying the feelings, values, and successes of others or one's own.

Depreciation received in contact with a loved one is a very unpleasant thing that can ruin relationships. It is especially sad that it is sometimes hidden under the mask of care, good advice or an “objective assessment” of our results and achievements.

We analyze the most common options for depreciation and ways to constructively respond to them.

Downplaying results

“Your story is not a masterpiece, of course, but very good”, “For Moscow, this is not a very big salary, but not bad, yes, not bad” - and similar statements in the spirit of “your achievements, of course, are not brilliant, but they will do.”

For some reason, the interlocutor is uncomfortable hearing about your successes, and he wants to reduce their importance. We all sometimes experience envy, and at some point we can behave incorrectly from this. Someone is sensitive to the topic of success in their personal lives, someone is worried about their own financial insolvency, and therefore she or he may react nervously to the message of a salary increase or a trip to an expensive resort.

It is important how often your progress in contact with this or that person is devalued. Perhaps it’s not scary if a relative or acquaintance once made a faux pas, this happens. But if this began to happen systemically, this is an alarming bell: there is too much competition and aggression in the relationship, which means less trust and warmth.

The game of “lowering success” is loved by parents - usually those who are in unconscious competition with the child, or those who still believe that raising the bar is a good motivation for a breakthrough. “Educate” in this way continues both twenty-year-olds and forty-year-olds.

How to fight:

“For me, this is a success, and I am proud of it.” You explain to the interlocutor that no matter what the average salary in the market or the literary value of your story, you are proud of your achievements and will not allow to belittle their significance. In the end, there is no “objective” success for everyone.

Unfortunately, this phrase does not work for everyone. But the absence of changes should serve as a signal: this person, alas, is not worth looking for support and approval.

“And many are even worse!”

This is just classic devaluation: in response to your complaints, you are invited to think about those who are doing even worse. “And in Africa, children are starving”, “Think about those who are worse off now”, “So what if they didn’t manage to give birth themselves, and they did a caesarean - some can’t get pregnant for years at all.” The interlocutor more often indulges in lengthy discussions about the need to be grateful for what we have, because many would dream of such a thing: such a house, such a husband, such children. The reasoning in theory is even correct ... But untimely.

What does it really mean:

Not everyone can be in contact with someone else's pain, disappointment and resentment. The reference to “great suffering” helps to distance oneself from the interlocutor and at the same time devalue his experiences as insignificant.

Meanwhile, hard feelings sometimes just need to be shared. And at this moment it does not matter at all whether your soup is liquid or small diamonds. Undoubtedly, a person from the Indian slums would dream of your "one-room apartment" with grandmother's renovation. But since childhood, you have dreamed of a beautiful house on the banks of the river or five children, and that every time after childbirth there would not be sparks from your eyes after the surgical anesthesia had worn off. And now you have an unfulfilled dream and a premonition that it may never come true.

How to fight:

"I'm sorry, but this is important to me, and I'm really upset." You directly tell the interlocutor that you refuse to consider your experiences of little value. If he or she is willing to listen to you, a very constructive dialogue about values, goals, and how you can solve your problems can turn out. If not, perhaps this is not the person in front of whom you should show your vulnerability and, again, wait for support.

Reference to "excessive emotionality"

When you are offended or hurt, you are told that your reaction is inadequate. “You are so emotional!”, “Well, why do you perceive everything so sharply”, “You don’t understand jokes at all.”

What does it really mean:

Indeed, there are hypersensitive people, touchy and receptive to everything. In addition, everyone has periods of fatigue, stress, increased irritability, when there seems to be no skin and literally everything touches. Therefore, it is sometimes difficult to distinguish: I am so emotional and everywhere I see offensive overtones, or the interlocutor really offends me under the guise of “jokes” and “friendly banter”.

Important criteria: a person who did not want to offend you is unlikely to aggressively defend himself and turn everything over to you, rather be confused. If people use references to “hypersensitivity” after offensive jokes, frankly harsh words, rude expressions, and then refer to your “excessive touchiness” - this is real manipulation and psychological abuse.

How to fight:

“It was unpleasant for me,” you say and explain that you heard offensive things in a phrase or joke. Thus, you simultaneously broadcast that you do not consider your feelings superfluous and inappropriate.

If he or she continues to discount your feelings, you should consider increasing the distance or ending the relationship. This behavior is toxic: it is designed to first make you feel strong negative feelings, and then reassure you that this is not normal.

magical thinking

You are told that you can’t talk about bad things and think: “Do not anger fate (God)”, “If you say that everything is bad, everything will be bad.”

What does it really mean: again, unwillingness to face other people's pain plus magical thinking.

There is no law of nature, according to which a person who mentions something bad will certainly “attract” him to himself. There is some frame of reference that can really make us pay more attention to disturbing, hurtful, hurting events and less to good ones. Usually this happens to people after injuries, a difficult childhood, some kind of loss and stress. There is nothing abnormal in this, not everyone in this world radiates optimism.

There is also a state in which we make bad decisions, and then troubles really pour in as if from a cornucopia. But there is no evil magic in this either: it’s just that a person, for example, in a state of chronic lack of sleep and stress, is quite logically late, confuses the schedule and copes with business less efficiently - simply because he is tired and his cognitive abilities are reduced. But there is no law of “attraction of the bad”.

How to fight:

Try to explain to a relative or friend what exactly worries you in this situation and why it is not about fate, but about your anxiety, whether it is justified or not. And whether to communicate with such a pessimist is up to him. But accusing you of "wrong thinking" is not entirely fair.

Positive psychology in the bad sense of the word

“Just look at things positively”, “It all depends on our attitude” - phrases spoken at the moment when you are in serious trouble or when something threatens you.

What does it really mean:

This is an example of how the good and healthy idea of ​​adult responsibility for one's life has been distorted. Not everything depends on our attitude.

There are regions with high salaries and depressive ones. Of the second, people want to move - not because they do not know how to see the good, but because they want to receive a decent salary for your work and feed the children. There are good men and there are not so good ones. You can build relationships with a person who wants to build them, but it is better to stay away from someone who throws heavy objects at you and screams. You can't force an alcoholic husband to stop drinking and a psychopathic boss to scream at every meeting with the power of love.

The responsibility in this case is to consider ending the relationship or changing jobs. Looking positively at an abusive partner is life-threatening.

How to fight:

In mild cases, such as when you are told to "look positively" at trouble at work, you can try discussing the idea of ​​looking positively at the threat of being fired. Maybe there will be sane arguments (you yourself have been dissatisfied with this place for a long time), or the interlocutor will agree that everything is not very rosy and you should be supported in some other way.

In severe cases—for example, when you are asked to “look positively” at an abusive partner or a severe illness—it is appropriate to react harshly. Perhaps the interlocutor will leave their alternate reality and think about your physical safety and the seriousness of your problems. But in general, such a relationship does not have many chances.

IF YOU CANNOT FIND A SOLUTION TO YOUR SITUATION WITH THE HELP OF THIS ARTICLE, SIGN UP FOR A CONSULTATION AND WE WILL FIND A SOLUTION TOGETHER

• • THIS IS A DESCRIPTION OF THE CHARACTER OF THE "UNHAPPY" PERSON

    Its 2 main problems: 1) chronic dissatisfaction of needs, 2) the inability to direct his anger outward, restraining him, and with it restraining all warm feelings, every year makes him more and more desperate: no matter what he does, it doesn’t get better, on the contrary, only worse. The reason is that he does a lot, but not that. If nothing is done, then, over time, either the person will “burn out at work”, loading himself more and more - until he is completely exhausted; or his own Self will be emptied and impoverished, unbearable self-hatred will appear, a refusal to take care of oneself, in the long term - even self-hygiene. A person becomes like a house from which bailiffs took out furniture. Against the background of hopelessness, despair and exhaustion , energy even for thinking. Complete loss of the ability to love. He wants to live, but begins to die: sleep is disturbed, metabolism is disturbed ... It is difficult to understand what he lacks precisely because we are not talking about the deprivation of possession of someone or something.

    On the contrary, he has the possession of deprivation, and he is not able to understand what he is deprived of. Lost is his own I. It is unbearably painful and empty for him: and he cannot even put it into words. This is neurotic depression.. Everything can be prevented, not brought to such a result.If you recognize yourself in the description and want to change something, you urgently need to learn two things: 1. Learn the following text by heart and repeat it all the time until you can use the results of these new beliefs:

    • I am entitled to needs. I am, and I am me.
    • I have the right to need and satisfy needs.
    • I have the right to ask for satisfaction, the right to get what I need.
    • I have the right to crave love and love others.
    • I have the right to a decent organization of life.
    • I have the right to express dissatisfaction.
    • I have a right to regret and sympathy.
    • ... by birthright.
    • I may get rejected. I can be alone.
    • I'll take care of myself anyway.

    I want to draw the attention of my readers to the fact that the task of "learning the text" is not an end in itself. Auto-training by itself will not give any sustainable results. It is important to live each phrase, to feel it, to find its confirmation in life. It is important that a person wants to believe that the world can be arranged somehow differently, and not just the way he used to imagine it to himself. That it depends on him, on his ideas about the world and about himself in this world, how he will live this life. And these phrases are just an occasion for reflection, reflection and search for one's own, new "truths".

    2. Learn to direct aggression to the one to whom it is actually addressed.

    ... then it will be possible to experience and express warm feelings to people. Realize that anger is not destructive and can be presented.

    WANT TO KNOW WHAT IS NOT ENOUGH FOR A PERSON TO BECOME HAPPY?

    YOU CAN SIGN UP FOR A CONSULTATION FROM THIS LINK:

    FOR K EVERY “NEGATIVE EMOTION” IS A NEED OR DESIRE, THE SATISFACTION OF WHICH IS THE KEY TO CHANGE IN LIFE…

    TO SEARCH THESE TREASURES I INVITE YOU TO MY CONSULTATION:

    YOU CAN SIGN UP FOR A CONSULTATION FROM THIS LINK:

    Psychosomatic diseases (it will be more correct) are those disorders in our body, which are based on psychological causes. psychological causes are our reactions to traumatic (difficult) life events, our thoughts, feelings, emotions that do not find timely, correct expression for a particular person.

    Mental defenses work, we forget about this event after a while, and sometimes instantly, but the body and the unconscious part of the psyche remember everything and send us signals in the form of disorders and diseases

    Sometimes the call may be to respond to some events from the past, to bring “buried” feelings out, or the symptom simply symbolizes what we forbid ourselves.

    YOU CAN SIGN UP FOR A CONSULTATION FROM THIS LINK:

    The negative impact of stress on the human body, and especially distress, is enormous. Stress and the likelihood of developing diseases are closely related. Suffice it to say that stress can reduce immunity by about 70%. Obviously, such a decrease in immunity can result in anything. And it’s also good if it’s just colds, but what if it’s cancer or asthma, the treatment of which is already extremely difficult?