Happiness is like a butterfly: the more effort you make to catch it, the further it flies. But as soon as you are distracted by something, she returns and suddenly sits on your shoulder. A similar situation can be seen with your desires. It often happens that a person really wanted his dream to come true. But it was not fulfilled; after a while this man completely lost hope and forgot about his desire.

And suddenly - a miracle - the dream came true, the wish came true. Analyze your life, and you will understand that there are many such situations in your life. The conclusion naturally suggests itself that what more people tries to achieve something, the more difficult it is to do it. But why does this happen? When a person becomes strongly attached to a person or situation, he literally becomes obsessed. “Wanting” becomes an obstacle to achieving a dream. You will miss everything if you don't stop being attached to your intentions and dreams. You need to learn to let go, not to be dependent on anything. It is then that you will find everything you need. But how can you stop becoming attached to people, situations, and your own desires and be able to let them go?

1. Just enjoy the current moment. Live in this moment as fully as you can. There is no need to think that you can become happy only when you achieve specific purpose or next to a certain person. With such thoughts, you will never get what you want. You can only be happy in this moment. Neither in the past, nor in the future, but right now. Just realize that you can feel joy and happiness simply because you are alive and can observe the beauty of the world around you. You shouldn’t put off life until later, as most people do in modern world. Plan, set goals, but under no circumstances become attached to them. You need to understand that once you achieve what you want, you will want even more. And so all your life you will chase happiness, although it is always nearby. Live, appreciate every moment, feel yourself happy man, regardless of external circumstances, and then you will get everything you want.

2. Understand what this or that person or event taught you, learn a lesson from it. Nothing happens for nothing. You need not just to get rid of memories of a situation or a person, but to let go, to free yourself. Ask yourself and answer how this event affected you. Listen to the answer, draw conclusions for the future. And only by understanding the positive impact on you can you let go of the situation and move on. Any, even the most unpleasant and negative event teaches something: understanding, respect, love. Better yet, always be ready to accept whatever may happen. Be prepared for any outcome, then the unpleasant will not be a surprise, and the pleasant can be considered a gift of fate.

3. If you keep thinking about the same situation or person, you don’t imagine it’s possible to simply wish him happiness and move on, you just need to make your life as bright as possible, positive emotions. Try to do something new, find yourself a hobby. Let there be as many things in your life as possible that bring you pleasure and joy. Engage in self-development, learn to cook, knit, or any activity that you like. Why focus on one thing, because there are so many interesting things in the world! Even life is not enough to study everything without days off. Try something extreme, for example, skydiving. You will receive a sea of ​​emotions and unforgettable memories. There is no need to spend your day in sadness and boredom, sitting in front of the TV. Fill your time so that there is no time left for negative memories of the past. Remember what's going on right now best years of your life, is it worth wasting?

4. Just trust the Universe, believe that everything will be fine, no matter how bad it is now. Know that what you really need will happen to you, even if it does not coincide with your desires. Understanding this, do not become attached to the result and enjoy today, without regretting the past and without fear of the future. If you cannot get a desire, then you will have something else, and even better. This is what faith is. Believing that you will have everything you need to happy life, you just need to appreciate every moment you live. How stronger faith the easier it is to let go. You need to have such an attitude in all areas of life and for all occasions. By loosening your grip, you open yourself up to the unexpected and unforeseen. At the same time, you need to remain confident that you will be able to face whatever happens with dignity. By trusting the Universe, you accept that the results you get may not be what you expected. Of course, you shouldn’t stop wishing, just be ready for what life has to offer you. With this mindset, you become open to all possibilities. By letting go of the situation, you become calm, stress and tension disappear.

The article is devoted to a new approach to solving the problem of emotional dependence. The idea is that emotional addiction is determined by the feelings or parts of the subject's personality that are "invested" in the object of addiction. These feelings or parts of the personality can be brought back using emotional imagery therapy, which leads to immediate and complete liberation from addiction.

Examples of specific correctional work With various cases emotional dependence using this method. The possibilities of expanding the method to many related areas of therapy are shown.

Emotional dependence is the loss of personal autonomy, or a sense of personal autonomy, for emotional reasons.

Moreover, the subject of this dependence:

1. Experiences suffering due to the inaccessibility of the object of his feelings, or due to the inability to change his behavior, or due to the inadequate power of the object over him;

2. Feels the impossibility of liberation from addiction;

3. The feeling that binds him has a chronic bad influence on life path, general well-being, decision-making and behavior of the subject.

There are quite a lot of options for emotional addictions. This could be a love addiction to a specific person, the relationship with whom has ended or, on the contrary, cannot end.

Perhaps this is a dependence on the very feeling of love (erotomania), so that the object of the feeling is not unique. This may be an addiction based on a sense of duty, when, for example, a woman is afraid to leave an alcoholic or drug addict, because he will “disappear” without her, and she will feel guilty.

This may be an addiction based on feelings of hatred or resentment, when the connection does not stop because these feelings do not find their resolution.

This may be dependence on the mother (or another person) with whom an emotional merger (confluence) occurred. In this case, the subject automatically experiences the same feelings as the object.

This may be a dependence based on a feeling of one’s own helplessness, when the subject feels complete subordination to another person. For example, a girl may feel that she is still psychologically in the womb and is afraid to meet real world.

This may be an emotional dependence on a person who has already died, to whom the subject was unable to say goodbye. This may be a dependence on the terrible or, conversely, wonderful past in which the subject still lives. It may be a dependence on the future in which the subject has invested his dreams and hopes. Etc.

A subject can suffer for many years from a feeling that makes him dependent, sometimes without even realizing it, sometimes resigning himself to it, and sometimes not wanting to part with it. Psychological help in these cases, it is aimed at ensuring that the client moves from a state of dependence to a state of independence, and later, if he wants, to a state of interdependence.

The last name seems to us not very successful, although it is accepted in the literature. One might think that now both individuals will become slaves to each other. But what is meant is that both will be free and, nevertheless, can feel the need for each other and can love each other without experiencing a constraining feeling of coercion and limitation of possibilities.

Liberation is always accompanied by a feeling of lightness and lack of restrictions, a calm and balanced reaction to the behavior of another person. It would be good, for example, if in the event of an unexpected breakup a young man could say in the words of a cheerful song: “If the bride leaves for someone else, then it is not known who is lucky.”

Unfortunately, sometimes they say with anger: “So don’t let anyone get you!” or “Did you pray before going to bed, Desdemona?” or with a depressive meaning: “My life is over.” Professional therapeutic help is often needed to heal a heart wound, and this is a big and difficult job. But…

Using the EOT method, we were able to find some fast and effective ways solving a number of the problems listed above, achieving a state of independence by the individual, which at the same time advanced us in understanding the essence of emotional dependence itself, psychological mechanisms its occurrence. I'll start with an example.

Example 1. "Blue Ball".

At a seminar that I conducted at one institute for third-year students, a student invited me to help her with the problem of unrequited love. She had been under the influence of this feeling for two years now.

Every day she only thought about “him,” she lived purely mechanically, nothing really interested her, she could not love someone else, as her friends advised her. She visited a psychoanalyst at one time, but this did not help her at all.

To begin with, I invited her to imagine that the same young man was on the chair in front of her and describe the experiences that she was experiencing. She replied that her whole body, her whole body, was madly attracted to him, and this feeling was localized in her chest.

Further, following the basic scheme of therapy, I invited her to imagine an image of this feeling in the same chair where the young man had previously “sat”. She replied that it was a bright blue ball, which certainly belonged to her. At the same time, she wanted to throw away this ball, but she could not do this, because, according to her, then it was as if she had died.

Already at this stage the structure of the impasse in which she found herself became apparent. She clearly wanted to repress her feelings, because of which she suffered, but at the same time she did not want to lose them.

Her ability to love in the form of a blue ball was projected onto young man, and she was deprived of contact with this part of the personality, so she felt apathy, lived mechanically and could not love someone else. The same projection created a powerful attraction to find that blue ball again.

Then I suggested that she try both options in turn to get out of the impasse:

1. Throw the ball away completely;

2. Accept it as part of your personality.

After this, it was possible to make sure which action would be most suitable for her. However, she showed strong resistance and flatly refused both options.

In order to shake up this rigid system, I invited group members to participate in this process. Each one in turn stood behind the girl and on her behalf made a speech in which he justified his decision to throw out or accept this ball. This question affected everyone and everyone spoke very emotionally. After that, she still didn't make any decision.

Then I decided to aggravate the situation even more and applied a Gestalt therapy technique, inviting her to stand in the middle of the room with her arms out to the sides, and everyone else to pull her in the direction of the decision they had made and persuade her to do just that.

The fight broke out seriously, for some reason all the men were in favor of throwing the ball away, and all the women were in favor of leaving it. But the main action happened very quickly, the girl literally screamed: “I won’t give it up for anything!” - and rushed towards the group of women, although the men held her very tightly.

Since the decision had been made, I stopped the “game” and asked her how she was feeling. With surprise, she admitted that she felt very good, and the ball was now in her heart.

I invited her to sit down and again imagine that young man in front of her.

- How do you feel now?

“It’s strange, I feel tenderness for him, but I don’t suffer.”

-Can you let him go now? Tell him that you wish him happiness without you?

- Yes, now I can. (Referring to the image of a young man). I let you go and wish you happiness regardless of me.

She saw the image of the young man move away and melt away, and this made her feel even better.

Now I offered her my interpretation: “The blue ball is your heart. It was given to the young man.” I said that along with those feelings that she wanted to get rid of, she also threw away her own heart, which provides the ability to love and feel, which is why she was in apathy.

Now that her heart is in the right place, she can not suffer and let this person go, while at the same time maintaining warm feelings for him. This is how Pushkin said goodbye to his beloved in his famous poem: “I loved you, love is still possible.”

After this explanation, another girl said:

- I understood. I had the same thing for eight years. I psychologically held him all the time, tormented myself, tormented others, I could not truly live and love. Now I want to finish this.

In a fit of emotion, she jumped onto a chair and loudly announced that from now on he was free and could live as he wanted, and she was free too.

The seminar ended with a general discussion.

A week later I met the first girl again at the seminar, her face was glowing, she said:

- Thank you very much. For the first time I lived a week happily.

I watched her for the rest of the semester, everything was fine. At the last lesson, she said that she was no longer suffering, but she still had happy memories of that love.

A comment. Later I realized that this is how almost all situations with emotional dependence work. Always we're talking about that along with the loss of a beloved object, the investments that he once invested in it in the hope of receiving emotional “dividends” are “torn away” from a person. He feels loss, part of his soul is lost. He cannot create new relationships because he has nothing left to invest.

But investments in relationships make them reliable and significant, then relationships are valued. If another person reciprocates the first, then everyone is happy, and a strong emotional connection is established between them, ensuring good foundation to start a family. When both parties to the process make mutual investments, this ensures their happiness, they have not only their favorite object, but also their own investments, because they are also with them, if the relationship is not broken.

Moreover, with them are the investments that the “opposite side” made in them. Everyone is pleased to know that they are dear to their loved one, that they are trying for you.

This idea became the basis for a whole series of successful works on overcoming emotional dependence. Of course, it cannot be said that the heart of one individual actually moves into the person he loves, and the latter disposes of it. But it’s not for nothing that lovers so often say that they gave their hearts to the one they love.

As the poets write: “My heart is in the mountains, and I myself am below...” In subjective reality, something is possible that does not happen objectively, however, it has a very real and objective impact on the life of an individual.

If a subject has implemented in his subjective world (the term “projection” is also suitable) some part of his personality into another person, then he feels a constant connection with him, his dependence. He is attached insofar as his feelings or part of his personality are firmly attached to another.

Freud said that as a result of fixation, part of the libido, but not part of the personality, is attached to an object or its image, as a result of which the object begins to have an emotional charge for that individual, this was called cathexis.

In his famous work Melancholia, Freud says that the work of grief is that libido is gradually withdrawn from a loved but lost object.

But he did not indicate that this fixation of libido has the meaning of investment in the future. And this is very important! Essentially this is a new theory of love. Fixation does not occur because the object is simply liked; the subject may like many people of the opposite sex and other objects. But no decisive choice occurs, the subject does not “bet” on this person.

If he makes a “bet,” this means that he firmly ties his fate, his happiness, his future with this person. He invests the energy of his hopes and dreams into the future, hoping for a long life. life together, hoping to receive many dividends, for example, counting on sexual happiness, giving birth and raising children, joint interesting life, public approval, etc.

No wonder lovers ask each other: “Do you love me?”, “Will you stop loving me?” and so on. They want to make sure that their investments are “profitable” and reliable, and that they will also invest in them. Moreover, I became convinced in therapeutic practice that investments control sexual desire, and not vice versa. Investments disappear and attraction disappears.

Example 2. "Bouquet of flowers."

A young man turned to me. “I can’t,” he says, “forget my first wife. She left me three years ago. She married a foreigner, left the country, gave birth to a child. I was depressed for two years, abandoned my favorite sport, I didn’t want anything.

Then I got over it, I recently got married, but I can’t love my second wife as much as I did my first, I always see myself as the first. I’m even ashamed in front of my second wife, but I can’t help it.”

– This means that you are still dependent on your first wife. You haven't let her go yet.

- No, I’ve already suffered my share. I've already gone through everything in two years.

– And we can easily check this.

- How is this possible?

– But imagine that your first wife is sitting on a chair here. What do you feel?

- Never mind. I don't care.

– Then you can easily tell her: “Goodbye, I wish you happiness in your personal life!

– No, for some reason I can’t say these words.

– Well, this means that you are dependent.

I explained to him the theory of investments and asked him to find an image of the feelings that he invested in his first wife, and which are still given to her. He said it was a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

– Are these really your flowers?

- Yes, these are my wonderful feelings that I gave to her.

– Take them and let them enter your body wherever they want.

“This bouquet entered my chest, it made me feel so good.” The energy has returned. Somehow it’s easier to breathe, and your hands rise on their own. I couldn't raise my arms after she left.

– Now look at this woman again (pointing to the chair).

– It’s strange, now it’s just a woman, of which there are millions.

– Can you now tell her: “Farewell, I wish you happiness in your personal life.”

- Yes, it’s easy now.

“Then tell me and see what happens to the image.”

– I speak and see how her image moves away and decreases. It completely disappeared, and it got even better.

– Now look at the second wife.

- Yes, now it’s a different matter.

“You can give her the bouquet then.” However, as you wish.

- No, why...

He was clearly in a hurry, and after a short goodbye he went home.

The return of the invested “capitals” back (into the body of the subject), when the destruction of the relationship has occurred, frees the subject and makes the beloved object neutral, the same as all other people. Neither Freud nor other famous psychoanalysts and therapists describe methods that would be specifically focused on returning the subject’s lost feelings or parts of the personality, otherwise everyone would have known about it long ago.

It is completely understandable why such methods were not created. Only the technology of emotional-imaginative therapy is suitable for this, since it allows you to present invested feelings in the form of an image and, through the return of this image to your own body, return lost resources. It is almost impossible to return feelings based only on verbal techniques.

Moreover, for most psychotherapists, the idea itself is not yet available due to the fact that the method in which feelings can be moved as an object, identified with them, accepted into one’s body or released, contradicts their traditional ideas. Let us explain with another example how this idea works within the framework of EOT.

Example 3. Golden lump.

A young man came to me to clarify his relationship with a girl. Their love began at the age of 15, it was strong and sincere. Even then they entered into sexual relations and were happy with each other. But the years passed, and it would have been time to get married, but he was a poor student and could not provide for his family.

Then she was offended and, abruptly breaking with her beloved, married a rich man. She gave birth to a child, but was not happy, she repented of her choice and soon began to seek restoration of relations with ex-lover. She divorced her husband, but still her main aspirations remained money and career.

The young man no longer wanted reconciliation with her, but could not free himself from his previous feelings, could not resist her persistence, although he no longer trusted her love. Now he could support his family, but did not want to connect his life with ex-girlfriend. At first I thought that he was simply expressing resentment and pride. Maybe we should help him forgive his unfaithful lover and reunite with her?

But he was firm in his intention to free himself from this emotional dependence. He was convinced of the girl’s low morality and believed that she was manipulating him. He could not understand how she could have previously neglected his wonderful feelings and caused him such pain.

He himself would never take the initiative to restore relations. The first session was used to clarify all the circumstances of the case and to make a final decision on what should be done.

At the beginning of the second meeting, the young man again confirmed that he had no intention of restoring the relationship, but needed help so that he would no longer be drawn to her, so that he would be freed from this dependence and suffering.

Following the theoretical ideas that emotional dependence rests only on those psychological “capitals” that a given subject “invested” in a loved one, I invited the client to create an image of these feelings in front of himself.

After thinking, the young man said that these feelings are like a huge golden ball, from which a thread sticks out, connecting it with a balloon above. We determined that this ball symbolizes the girl to whom he gave his feelings, hoping to keep her with the help of these feelings.

After this, I invited the client to absorb this lump, that is, his feelings, back into himself as his energy. At first he did not understand how this could be done. I suggested that he invite them back into his body, but he couldn't. Suddenly he himself found a solution:

- I have to enter this room myself! Because he's bigger than me.

- Well, do it.

In his imagination, he entered this lump and felt that previously lost feelings enveloped him from all sides, like a golden shining aura, they filled his entire body inside, and the ball flew off and hovered somewhere to the side.

– These feelings even protect me, I feel strength and independence. Now these feelings belong to me, and I can freely dispose of them, I can direct them to someone else. And how could she neglect such wonderful feelings?

– How do you feel about this girl now?

“You know, I really don’t care now.” I don’t even want to drive a Mercedes in front of her to get revenge. I'm truly free.

– We should meet again to make sure that the result is truly sustainable. May need some work.

- No, I'm absolutely sure. If necessary, I will call you again.

He left me with a very confident and strong gait, he didn’t call again.

A comment.This case, like the previous one and many others, shows that a subject can, with the help of conscious actions in relation to the image of his feelings, actually regain them, and thereby gain liberation from emotional dependence.

Traditionally, psychotherapists believe that a partner with whom the relationship has been destroyed should be mentally (and/or actually) forgiven and let go. However, it is not so easy to say goodbye, because the heart, soul and feelings still remain with the one to whom they were given, with whom they are connected.

Before you let go, you need to get your “investment” back, otherwise nothing will work out. Sometimes this happens spontaneously, but for the most part the problem of emotional dependence remains extremely difficult to solve, apparently due to a lack of understanding of the importance of this aspect and the lack of appropriate technologies.

Psychotherapists often suggest mentally tearing or cutting the binding thread, mentally driving away the ex-spouse, etc. These mechanical methods sometimes give liberation, but since it is not threads that bind people, but feelings, for the most part there is no solution, or this solution is partial and unstable.

The return of feelings and parts of the personality with the help of a visually represented image of these feelings or parts of the personality does not cause resistance, since the individual does not lose anything. There is also nothing morally reprehensible in this action, because it does not harm the object of love and does not drive it away or abandon it. However, after this it is quite possible to let go of the object, which is no longer endowed with an irresistible attraction.

However, the subject may have additional motives for not doing what the therapist encourages him to do, and this gives rise to new difficulties and features of the work. The therapist must learn to overcome or bypass the client's resistance on the path to his release.

Example 4. "Tearful Dove."

The girl could not forget the young man who left her two years ago. Every evening she imagined that he was next to her, and it was painful. Of course, I asked her about the reasons for the breakup, and about the desirability and possibility of reconciliation. Everything said that it was necessary to finally say goodbye and let go of the former lover.

I immediately invited her to imagine that part of her personality or those feelings that she “invested” in her loved one, and which she lost with his departure. She immediately replied that it was a dove.

I explained that the dove usually symbolizes the soul, and asked if she was ready to return this dove, to accept it back as part of her personality? She confirmed that the dove she clearly imagined was indeed part of her personality, but for some reason he was afraid to go to her.

- Why?

- Because I'm clipping his wings.

- Why are you doing this?

- Well, of course, so that he doesn’t fly away.

This is the first difficulty. It was necessary to explain to the girl that the soul cannot fly away from itself, that it will still belong to her. And also that the more you hold someone captive, the more they break out.

All this was explained, but since experience is the criterion of truth, I suggested that, for the sake of experiment, she explain to the pigeon that the girl would no longer clip its wings. This statement had an effect; the dove already wanted to return to the girl, but was still afraid. No assurances from the girl, which I pushed her to, helped. This is the second difficulty.

Carefully observing the client’s words and intonations, I suddenly realized that in fact, it was she herself who was afraid of the pigeon. She was afraid of his freedom, afraid that he might again lead her feelings with him. The same fear forced her to clip the dove’s wings, so this is a new and at the same time old difficulty, but a new approach is needed.

Then I suggested that the girl paradoxically tell the dove that she herself would no longer be afraid of it. The girl was surprised because she was convinced that the dove was afraid of her. Without explaining, I insisted that this was a paradoxical technique and that it should be tried.

She obeyed, and the dove immediately fluttered into her chest. The girl breathed much deeper and more freely, her eyes lit up, she felt better, and all her fears disappeared.

Now that she had introduced her former friend, she felt completely free from him. Now she could easily say goodbye to him and absolutely confidently confirmed that she no longer suffered and was no longer addicted. A week later, she once again confirmed the positivity and sustainability of this result.

A comment.In this example, we examined two more possible difficulties that may arise when returning invested feelings:

1. The individual commits some violence against the invested part of the personality (i.e., over himself), as a result of which it loses confidence in him (in himself);

2. The individual is afraid of the return of a part of the personality, fearing that it will let him down or control him, etc. There is internal splitting and fear of failure to control oneself.

From this and other cases, we can conclude that the subject of emotional dependence sometimes experiences a feeling of self-doubt, does not value himself, does not trust his feelings or abilities. He sometimes resists freeing himself from the addiction he complains about because he is afraid that when he is free he will make new mistakes or will not be needed by anyone, will not find anyone, etc.

The method can be applied to a number of other problems, with minor modifications of the technique; we call this expansion of the area of ​​application of the method, or more simply, expansion of the method.

Extension of method 1. Emotional dependence and psychosomatics

Example 5. "Spider on the back."

At one of the seminars, I invited students to show their work. The student asked to solve her psychosomatic problem. She experienced constant and severe pain in her back, this prevented her from sleeping normally; her back hurt in any position. She turned to doctors for help, but they could not help her.

I asked her to imagine an image of this pain. She saw the pain as a huge spider sitting on her back. Since the spider usually symbolizes a man, I suggested that she had some serious problem in her relationship with a man.

It turned out that her friend is a drug addict, and she keeps trying to save him from this addiction, but she can’t do anything. She tries to break off relations with him, but is also unable to get rid of him. We tried different things to free her from the presence of the spider on her back, but nothing worked to free her from this emotional dependency.

She understood that she still wouldn’t be able to save him, that she was sacrificing her health and fate, but for some reason she “couldn’t” let him go. Then I invited her to answer the question on behalf of the spider: “Does he need to be rescued and dragged on his back somewhere where, perhaps, he is not going?”

Answering for him, the girl realized that he actually didn’t need it at all and that’s why he resisted. Immediately she was able to let go of the spider, it disappeared, and the pain in her back went away at the same moment. That same evening she broke off all relations with the drug addict.

After some time, she met another man, got married, gave birth to a child, and lives happily. Since then, her back has never (at least over the next 4 years) hurt. She told me this story 4 years after the session, which I even forgot about.

A comment. It is clear that the student could not break off the relationship out of a falsely understood sense of duty to this young man; she hoped for some kind of miracle and was afraid of being responsible for his further downfall. Therefore, she did not sincerely apply the techniques that were initially offered to her.

Having answered the proposed question on behalf of the “spider”, she realized that he did not need saving, and his further fall was predetermined by him. by one's own desire, she is not responsible for this. She realized that she was dragging him on her back against his will.

This immediate awareness, which could not be achieved by any argument from the therapist, allowed her to let go of this person, stop feeling indebted to him and stop straining her back to save him. Therefore, her back went away immediately and no longer hurt, and she was able to really break up with this person, get rid of emotional dependence, and really give up the false sense of duty.

On the one hand, this is a case of psychosomatic illness, on the other, a case of emotional dependence based on a sense of duty. But it is important to understand that the realization of the meaninglessness of her “feat” led to disappointment, and accordingly, the girl immediately took back her investment, one might say automatically.

Example 6. “25 Years of Heartache.”

A 70-year-old woman suffered chronic pain in her heart, she had to stop from time to time along the way to rest. Periodically, she felt so sick from heart spasms that she feared for her life.

These phenomena began to happen to her 25 years ago, after the death of her beloved man, whose unofficial wife she was, there were no more men in her life. His death was a heavy blow for her, but she believed that she had already been able to survive this grief and had fully recovered.

I asked her to imagine an image of the heartache she was experiencing. The image of pain was like a blade, even a bayonet. She was very surprised when I suggested that her heart trouble was connected with that old psychological trauma.

– It can’t be, 25 years have passed. Then, of course, I was very worried, but I calmed down a long time ago.

“Well, then it will be very easy for you to let go of this blade.”

- Yes, I let him go, but he doesn’t leave.

- Well, try again.

- Still, he doesn’t disappear anywhere.

- So you once gave him something very valuable to him and have not returned it to this day. Can you please imagine what it looks like?

“This is my wounded, bleeding heart.”

– Is this really your heart?

- Yes, of course, mine!

– Do you agree to return it to your body so that it falls into place?

– Yes, but he has such a wound, I’m afraid that it will make me feel bad.

- No, when you take it, only then will you be able to cure him. To do this, just tell him that you allow him to heal, you won’t hurt him anymore.

– Yes, it has returned to its place and is gradually healing.

- Tell me when it heals completely.

- Yes, it has already healed. I felt somehow better.

“Now look at the blade again.”

A comment. From this case it follows that emotional dependence can persist for many years, although the individual may not even be aware of it. Moreover, he does not suspect that his physical ailment is a consequence of this addiction.

Extension 2. Emotional dependence and confluence

The trouble is that he doesn’t even know how to feel differently, he has never had the experience of independence, and he is afraid of such a state or considers it some kind of immoral, a betrayal of his mother.

At the same time, he may suffer from the fact that he always makes decisions and builds his own personal life in accordance with the opinion of the mother, she painfully experiences any of her whims or illnesses, is in despair at the mere thought of her death, always feels a sense of guilt in front of her, etc.

Getting rid of such an addiction is very difficult, and in my practice I have repeatedly encountered these difficult cases. Standard verbal therapy is usually very lengthy, but the already described technique of emotional-imaginative therapy shows great promise.

Example 7. “Merging with Mom.”

A woman, approximately 35 years old, with a child of her own, made the following request at a seminar. Her whole life was permeated with a feeling of insignificance and dependence on her mother in her feelings and decisions.

Mom’s needs and opinions were more important than her own, the slightest illness of her mother caused tragic experiences, and the thought that her mother would die evoked the idea that it was impossible to live after that. Mom lived separately, but, nevertheless, her influence on her daughter remained unconditional and inadequate. She felt that something was wrong in their relationship, but did not understand what was wrong.

The main line of work was aimed at helping the woman realize what part of her personality she once handed over to her mother as a child and why? It turned out that it was her little one child's heart and, despite the confidence that this heart was hers, she experienced great difficulty in regaining it.

Finally, she returned this heart to her body, and immediately her train of thought changed. She suddenly realized that her mother, it turns out, was a separate person from her, her mother had her own personal history, which included her first husband and other circumstances, that her mother had her own character and her own delusions. But most of all she was struck by the immediate feeling of her separateness and independence.

As she mastered this new subjective reality that had opened up to her, the small heart in her chest grew and gradually turned into an adult, large and full-fledged heart, which she was psychologically deprived of. Now she realized that she could feel on her own and make decisions according to her needs, this was new and wonderful.

A comment. Thus, the investment return method can also be effective in the case of confluence.

In the event of a merger, other techniques can be and are successfully used. Quite often there are cases when the client is psychologically inside the mother's womb (this is expressed in the image of an egg, bag, vat or cave inside which he is located), he seems to refuse to be born.

Here you can go in different ways, for example, you can imitate your birth in your imagination (however, the traditional techniques of symboldrama, psychodrama and bodily therapy are also suitable), but in our practice we have developed a paradoxical approach that allows us to solve this problem in some cases unexpectedly simply.

We inform the client that he is the one holding the mother's womb, to which he naturally agrees. After which we invite him to let go of the womb, addressing its image with the appropriate words. If this is not enough, then the previous method of returning embedded feelings is added to this procedure.

Example 8. "Let go of the mother's womb."

At the seminar, I invited the group members to perform mental exercise, enter the circle of “Health”, the reactions were varied, but mostly positive. However, one participant, a young girl, said that for some reason she saw herself in some kind of vat, in a motionless anemic state, she tried to get out, and in the end she saw herself in the sea, but she was also in an anemic state.

I said to this that, most likely, she had a difficult birth, or there is an emotional dependence on her mother. To which she replied that both were true. “You should let go of your mother and her womb,” I advised, “because only you are holding them, and not they you. But this will require great job. We'll deal with it later if you want."

After which I moved on to discuss the impressions of other group members. After a few minutes, the girl jumped up and began to excitedly walk back and forth within the group circle. Naturally, I asked what was going on with her and if she wanted to discuss her problem? She replied that she had already followed my advice and that she would do everything else herself.

I continued working with the group, and the girl kept walking in a circle, then stopped and cried. Gradually she calmed down and sat down in her place. At the next seminar a couple of months later, she confirmed that she had indeed solved her problem, that her dependence on her mother and her womb had disappeared.

A comment.This case illustrates another release technique when the client lets go of the object that he feels is holding him. For example, an individual sometimes claims that he is “in prison” and cannot free himself from it, no matter how hard he tries. Then he is asked to let go of his prison!

The prison collapses and the client is freed. Then he realizes that he created his prison himself. But when he lets go of the womb or prison, it means that he stops investing in that object and automatically returns it to himself.

This technique should sometimes be combined with the previous one. First, return the lost parts of your personality, and then let go of the object of your addiction. If you manage to let go (it is unacceptable not to drive away the violence), then this will be a criterion for the success of the work to return the investment. If you can only forcibly break the connection, then this means that it is not actually broken.

Extension 3. Working with fixation on the past and hopes for the future

Then a small mouse ran out of the hole, next to the root, and began to gnaw at the root. When there was very little left for the root to break, the man suddenly saw a small strawberry growing on the slope right in front of his face. He picked it and ate it.

This is where the parable ends and usually no interpretation is given and people understand it very crookedly, for example, as evidence that our life is continuous suffering, there are only small joys.

However, its meaning is directly opposite to this gloomy outlook on life, and it is very easy to understand, the first tiger is the past, from which a person runs away in horror, the second tiger is the future, which a person always fears. The root is the root of life, and the little mouse is the inexorable time. But a little strawberry is a moment of the present, and when a person ate it, he fell into currently time and gained enlightenment.

Because in the present there is no past or future, which means there are no fears and suffering, there is only a beautiful present that can last forever. Therefore, in order to get rid of suffering, you often need to simply return from the past or future.

Example 9. "Return from the Past."

The young man who was successful businessman, made a lot of money, but his company did its job and was disbanded. He did not find himself in the present, did not feel the meaning of life, although he had a family and so much money that he could no longer work.

It turned out that all he could think about was how good it was when he was in charge successful company. He met with old friends, and they only talked about how good it was then.

I told him that he seemed stuck in the past and asked what he left there. "Yes, I'm all there." - he exclaimed. I invited him to see himself in the past and bring that self back here, to the present. “But he doesn’t want to. He feels so good there. He sits in a big office, signs important papers, does good deeds. He doesn’t want to come back to me.”

“Explain to him,” I say, “that he clings to the illusion that this is no longer there. He lives in illusory world, deceives himself, but you can live here for real."

“Oh, as soon as I told him, he ran straight to me. He entered my body. I somehow felt good. Why am I smiling? You know, I just never smile.” This went on and on, he came again to check and was convinced that the effect did not disappear, that now he had found the meaning of life.

Nothing spoils our mood more than problems! Especially if they are repeated or last for weeks, months, or even years.

We struggle to solve them, change jobs if the problems are related to work, get divorced if it is absolutely impossible to solve the problem in the family and... we step on the same rake.

We curse fate, say “the times are not right...”, accuse all men (or women) of various mortal sins, but the problems remain, or, when they go away, they return. Sounds familiar, doesn't it? In fact, problems are wonderful!

What do we call a problem? Any life difficulties that cannot be solved quickly or (in our opinion) cannot be solved at all. But, you see, without difficulties, life would be insipid and boring.

After all, if there are no problems, then there is no excitement, no delight of victory - and many other wonderful emotions that we experience after overcoming these very problems. By solving problems, we gain experience, become wiser and ultimately stronger.

Problems are signals

If some problem is repeated in your life with enviable regularity, then it is worth thinking about why you attract exactly such situations into your life. This is a signal - it's time to change something about yourself.

Let's say you are “chronically unlucky with your bosses.” If you change your job, field of activity, city - or even country - the bosses are still, as they say, “no ice”.

Luck has nothing to do with it. Try to analyze your experience of “bad luck” - perhaps you are making unrealistic demands on people (your boss, your husband, or your neighbors). Perhaps you are overly categorical or have rigid attitudes about how others should act in order for you to be satisfied with everything. But it turns out that the situation does not suit you, and someone else must change. Believe me, as long as you think so, you will meet those who will destroy your belief.

Such beliefs are called idealizations and for a comfortable life you need to get rid of them. Try to look at the problem through the eyes of your opponent, perhaps you will be able to understand him, and the problem will disappear by itself. I can say, including from my own experience, that it is always easier to change your own views than to change another person, and especially several people.

Several effective ways to let go of a problem

Well, what if you are so immersed in the problem that all the above advice annoys you? If, no matter how hard you search, you cannot find a way out?

There is still a way out!

Firstly, we must admit that all annoying moments are most often a reflection of your suppressed emotions. Find them in yourself and try to “release them into the wild”, i.e. been through. Anger? Let there be anger. Resentment? And there is nothing wrong with resentment - these are just emotions, and they can be neither bad nor good.

I foresee the question - is it possible to be angry with your own parents? They are supposed to be loved! Well, firstly, most likely you experience emotions not for the people themselves, but for some of their actions, and secondly, you cannot love anyone until you let go of negative emotions towards them . You can only pretend that you love them. This is self-deception. However, if you feel so comfortable, you can continue to pretend, because feeling angry towards a person does not at all mean expressing aggression through action. But this is a topic for a separate article.

Secondly, there are a lot in various ways letting go of problems that help you “come unstuck” and look at the situation from the outside. And after looking, you will find a way to solve this problem.

So, ways to let go of the problem.

How to let go of a problem - method " balloon"

Method one - “balloon”

Imagine that you have in your hands a balloon of any color in which you imagine your problem. You inflate this balloon, “blowing” this problem out of yourself. Inflate until you feel that the whole problem is already in the balloon. The ball can be any size, whatever you imagine your problem to be.

It is possible that when you inflate even an imaginary balloon, you will get tired - this is normal - after all, getting rid of problems, even figuratively, is serious internal work. After inflating the balloon, “tie” it. Look how big it is! Mentally thank yourself for getting rid of the situation that bothers you and let it go up. Watch how it flies away, becoming smaller and smaller, turns into a dot and completely disappears into the clouds or blue sky.

It is possible that you will have to do this exercise more than once before you feel relief - it all depends on how big your problem is and how attached you are to it.

How to let go of a problem - the "anger letter" method

Method two - “letter of anger”

Take a piece of paper and a pen and write a letter to your problem. If you think the problem is specific person, write a letter to him. If this is a certain circumstance, for example, bad luck, then write a letter to Bad Luck. There is no need to be embarrassed, because no one will see your letter except you. Don’t be shy in expressing your emotions, and don’t be shy in your expressions either. Loan, put off the letter for a while, for example, half an hour or an hour, and do any other things. Then re-read the letter, tear it into small pieces and burn it. And flush the ashes down the toilet or scatter them in the wind, as you please.

The third way is to search for “positive people”

For some reason it is also called “student” and is mostly suitable for momentary problems that arise unexpectedly. Take a piece of paper and write down the positive things that came up about your problem. Just don’t immediately shout indignantly that they are not there. I’ll give you a few examples - you were going out of town, but it started to rain, your mood spoiled, but in fact there was no need for it to spoil, since you now had time to do something that you didn’t get around to. For example, write letters, or sew a sundress, or hang a shelf, fix a faucet...

But you never know what you can’t get your hands on in the routine! Or on the way to the office you were doused by a car. Unpleasant? Of course, but now you can, with a clear conscience, delegate the meeting with an unpleasant customer to a colleague. Well, don’t communicate with a representative of a serious company with a stain on his suit or blouse! I think the principle is clear.

Method four

It is not suitable for everyone; it requires a certain type of character and the habit of analyzing situations and actions of oneself and those of others. Ask yourself a question - why do you need this situation? After all, if it happened to you, it means you need it for something, because nothing serious happens in our lives just like that.

Perhaps it’s time for you to change jobs, or should you go on vacation and your acute reaction to the event is just accumulated fatigue? Listen to yourself during these thoughts, and your subconscious will tell you the right option.

Just under no circumstances try to engage in self-accusation and self-flagellation and ask yourself the question not “for what?”, but precisely “for what?”. The first question implies that you are “punished” for something and will not bring you any closer to solving the problem, and the second question will help you take certain actions that, if they don’t immediately solve the problem, will certainly help you get distracted and “get unstuck” from it. And once you get unstuck, it’s easier to find a solution.

There is one more point. Ask yourself a question - and what you think is a problem is really a problem for you? Let me explain with an example - one of my friends for a long time believed that her problem was that she could not get married, until one day I asked her: “Are you sure that you really want this?” A friend thought for a moment, and then listed everything she wanted for this moment, and marriage was not on this list. It was her relatives who decided that it was “time” for her, and she, having accepted their point of view, accepted a problem that she actually did not have. The funny thing is that six months after she announced to everyone that she didn’t want to get married, we walked at her wedding!

Of course, these are not all methods - there are a great many of them. I have described only the simplest of them, which do not require special skills or specialist help. But if you start with something simple, you won’t even notice how problems will turn from your enemies into your helpers. And remember, there are no hopeless situations, there are ways out that you don’t see or for some reason you don’t like.

Good luck solving your problems and good mood!

They help the mind relieve the burden of constant control over what is happening and an exclusively rational way of solving problems.

From an early age, children are drilled into the not very fruitful idea of ​​the possibility of achieving success solely through mental effort. The mind gets used to acting only guided by common sense, and it does so clumsily, awkwardly, and too straightforwardly.

It is difficult for the mind to look around and notice inconsistencies that contradict this approach. He stubbornly refuses to notice his own inability to protect people from adverse events.

Our mind is convinced of its own infallibility, and in this is its main mistake. The world much wiser and not wasted.

Correcting the situation is not difficult: trust the flow of options, which are subject to the laws of expediency and following the path of least energy consumption.

In everyday life, we are talking about loosening our grip and letting go of the situation, allowing problems to be solved without intrusive outside interference.

Disagreement with the world generates. They can be avoided if (1) systematically reduced and (2) bypassed uncontrollable side. In the latter case, it is useful to take a closer look.

Everything that does not fit into the picture of achieving the goal drawn by the mind is automatically classified as an obstacle and is perceived with hostility, which only makes the situation worse.

People are happy if plans come true. Deviations from what is planned make them depressed. Because of its intrinsic importance, the mind refuses to allow the possibility of deviation.

And when opportunities arise, people accept them reluctantly, because they were not planned... We are given the wrong gifts, appointed to the wrong positions, offered the wrong ones. And every time there is a reason for it.

Photo 1. The ability to let go of a situation directly depends on the ability to give up importance

The main mistake of the mind is in the desire to control the flow, which it clearly cannot do, and not in its own movement with the flow. A stupid mind finds no peace, inventing more and more new obstacles.

At the same time, he manages to refuse sensible proposals, enter into debates with everyone he meets, toothlessly reject falling solutions to problems and remain in a permanent state of discontent and aggression...

Transurfing suggests shifting the emphasis: instead of viscous and suffocating control, practice calm and self-possessed observation of the situation. Instead of stupid arguments and the desire to prove, leisurely contemplation.

Giving up control will not only not weaken it, but will also strengthen it. The observer is always in better control of the situation than the participants.

This is why it is important to rent yourself out. It turns out that a huge number of problems can be resolved without our participation, and the development of events outside of plans can turn out to be extremely useful and productive.

An additional bonus is mental health and conservation of energy that would otherwise be destroyed in interpersonal squabbles and conflicts.

Fighting the current always means a loss of energy, in which we are so interested. They are the main “instigators” to wastelessly flailing your hands through the water or rowing against the current.

Movement in the flow of variants is unprofitable for pendulums, since the energy supply from this is zero.

The desire to prove that you are right to everyone you meet is often mistakenly perceived as a sign of inner strength. In reality, this weakens a person, making him vulnerable to the machinations of pendulums.

People with a painfully inflated sense of their own importance defend their own beliefs and opinions especially zealously in verbal battles. They don’t realize that the negativity emitted in conflicts sooner or later.

Transurfing requires a decisive rejection of meaningless disputes and proving one’s own worth. Let others beat their fists in vain...

Excessive careerism and the desire to prove oneself in official activities are just as harmful as outright sloppiness. You can easily overstrain yourself by incorrectly assessing your capabilities and ultimately fail the project. Disappointment in own strength and will be provided...

Excessively hectic activity in the workplace breaks the established state of affairs and destroys the usual way of life of colleagues, who are unlikely to be happy with such a development of events. They will certainly try to neutralize the excess potential that has fallen on their heads...

Openly criticize only what bothers you personally, provided that thanks to it you can change the situation. Otherwise, the role of an observer will be more beneficial than the role of a controller. Moderation is important in everything. Observing it is a matter of habit.

Video on how to let go:

In the article you will learn:

How can you still let go of the situation in a relationship with a man?

Hello, beloved readers!

It’s hard when a relationship doesn’t work out or causes suffering, but those around you can only repeat: take it easier, why are you so obsessed, stop controlling, just calm down.

Yeah, easy for them to tell! How can this be easier? This is the man I love, it hurts! Easy in words and difficult in deeds. Today we will talk about this. How to be able let go of the situation in a relationship with a man and why is this even necessary?

I am me and you are you

First, you need to understand your soul, what is happening there, why it turned out this way and not otherwise.

Our psyche is designed in such a way that we are accustomed to placing hopes and expectations on other people. Our parents taught us this in childhood, when they did the same to us, expecting obedience and good grades at school. And they, in turn, learned this from their parents. This is how we live.

Therefore, when we meet a new person, building a life together with him, we begin to expect specific actions, words, emotions from him, in general, we fit it into our picture of the world. But the world is changing. Various events occur that we cannot control. Betrayal, betrayal, deception, bursting into our lives, threaten to destroy the familiar world.

The natural defense mechanism of the psyche turns on, we begin to strenuously resist reality, deny our emotions, the emotions of our partner. And it seems like we understand with our heads that we either need to forgive and move on together, or break up and start new life. We continue to worry in our hearts, trying to let go of the situation and the person from my heart and thoughts. It’s especially difficult when one wants to break up and the other doesn’t.

Cleaning out the basement of consciousness

Let's imagine that the disturbing event is a person whom we grabbed by the throat and pressed against the wall. Yes, yes, this is exactly what it looks like when we don’t want to live without someone or something. What will be the reaction of this cornered person? Defense, flight or retaliatory aggression. No wonder nothing works out. It is enough to unclench your fingers and step aside. Yes exactly. Need to relax so that what happened is resolved in our favor or let the man go so that he returns.

To do this you need to do several things:

1. Realize that whatever expectations were not assigned to a loved one, he will act according to his individual experience and understanding. I like the words from the “prayer” of the great psychotherapist Fritz Perls
   

   “I am me, and you are you.

   If chance brings us together, that's great.

   If not, there is nothing we can do to help.”

   Brings you back to reality...

2. Understand that our reactions are multivariate, and we ourselves choose the emotions we want to experience. We were not offended, angry, insulted, but we were offended, angry and offended.
3. Don't try to get rid of feelings. You can’t survive any shock right away; it takes time to grieve and experience emotions. If they interfere with work or homework, then choose a specific time at which we allow ourselves to feel them “to the fullest” and with the utmost intensity.
4. Psychologists advise not to force yourself to forget what happened, but to let the image of it mentally stay close while the “grieving” process takes place. Determine how long this process will continue. Specifically, a year, two, a month, three days.
5. Determine who we love more. Yourself or him, the man? If it is, then we can safely suffer to our heart’s content for the rest of our lives. If we take care of ourselves, then we take care of ourselves as if we were a slightly ill but already recovering person. We pamper ourselves with pleasures, drive around beautiful places, we take them out to people, we find ourselves interesting activities. We do anything to make sure our darling is happy and experiences a joyful moment.
6. Apply various techniques and methods to form new reality to replace the old one.

We forgive, we thank, we dream

When the soul and mind are ready for change, for a change in events and sensations, we boldly use the methods that I periodically learned about and saved for myself:

Key phrase: “Reality exists independently of you. As long as you agree with it."

One of the concepts: the existence of “pendulums,” energy-informational structures that feed on our emotions. Difficulties with a guy or breaking up are a pendulum, which we rock with ours negative emotions, thereby bringing even more troubles into your life. It is necessary to “sink the pendulum” - instead of worrying too much about a person, you need to desire the ultimate goal for which this person is needed. For example, dream of getting married and being happy in marriage.

• To cope with the onset of emotional experiences and let go of the situation in a relationship, take a piece of paper, write everything that you feel in your soul and set it on fire. Feel your worries dissipate with the smoke of the fire. While the paper is burning, say words of gratitude for the good that is associated with these events.
• The magic of Simoron. I really like it, it brings positivity into life, a smile and it really works. I suggest one of the techniques of cheerful wizards:

In childhood, I hope, we all folded paper boats? We take a boat, write the name of our loved one on it and send it off on a long voyage! You can go along a river, lake, pond, or just into the toilet. We say a farewell speech, wave our hand, wish you a successful swim and let you go into the water! That's where the road is!

And you can also imagine how worries and thoughts about a person or situation fly away from your heart like butterflies! It will help too.

Relax, feel your weightlessness, play with reality and everything will work out!

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Have a good mood!

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June