The ability to refuse people is not a sign of selfishness, but a very necessary skill. Those who do not know how, unfortunately, live someone else's life. And it's good that you are always ready to help relatives, friends, neighbors, colleagues, but only if it does not harm you.

Why are we afraid to say the word "no"

Notice how young children, especially at the age of three, say the word "no" freely and simply. The point is in age characteristics, and in the fact that the kids learned what such a word is. But the bottom line is that kids know they're beautiful and understand that it's okay to say no.

Where does this skill go later?

Most often, a child who doesn’t want to do something is told how bad, lazy, selfish, ungrateful he is: “Here’s a loafer, everyone solves problems, but he doesn’t want to!”, “Ungrateful beast, mother killed herself, cooked oatmeal, but he doesn't eat. Let's quickly put a spoon in your hands! ”... From such people grow up trouble-free and incapable of sacrificing other people's interests for their own.

And there are just kind people who feel sorry for everyone, but the result is the same. Another reason for fear is fear itself: losing friends, the location of colleagues, new opportunities, fear of being judged ... But here it is important to understand that if you do not refuse, then the attitude towards you will not get better: relatives and colleagues will not treat you better. a person who is considered a weak-willed slob, and help will be taken for granted.

In addition, sometimes it seems to us that colleagues or relatives cannot do without your help. This is not entirely true, because if you leave for a long time, they themselves will cope with work, and with children, and with repairs, which means they are independent. There is simply a category of people who like to shift their worries onto someone else.

And then there are the manipulators. It is they who put pressure on your guilt and inner “I am bad”, convince you of inferiority and thus force you to go on about it. There is another category of manipulators - those who put pressure on pity. Of course, we are all compassionate, but if a person is to blame for his own troubles, consider whether it is worth helping him. So, if a colleague has been talking with a girl on a dating site all day, and then asks to complete the task for him, perhaps this is not worth doing. It is important to understand here that there is nothing wrong with the word “no” and nothing will change if you refuse someone. More precisely, a refusal may seem rude if you refused rudely and ugly. And if you do it politely - why not?

Practice

Before you learn to refuse people, you need to cope with your fears. It's about the same as an exam at school or too hard work: it's scary, but you do it.

• Tip 1. We motivate our refusal. This is the simplest and most sincere way: we say no and explain why. If the reason seems stupid or insignificant to you, you do not need to come up with another one. If you are asked out on a date by a guy or girl that you don't like, the easiest way is to say directly that you perceive this good person as a friend and not give hope. If it seems to you that the reason is stupid, this is no longer your problem. You can't babysit your friend's kids because you've been working all day and just want to sleep? This is your normal desire, do not cultivate guilt in yourself and do not look for excuses. The main thing is to say everything politely. This method is good because sincerity in people is always appreciated.
• Tip 2: Offer Compromises. If you work on a weekend and a friend asks for help moving, you can safely offer help only for a few hours or come tomorrow and finish everything that was not completed by a friend. If they ask you to borrow money, and you don't have much of it yourself, you can borrow some of it. Compromises occur on your terms, and they also say that you are not indifferent to this request.
• Tip 3: Suggest Asking for Help Later
  This is true in the event that an annoying seller or promoter has stuck to you. It seems to be a pity for a person, but money for a not very necessary thing is no less a pity. It is enough to thank the seller, to say that you do not need this thing yet, but if you suddenly need it, you will know where to go. Doing it or not is your decision;
  This method is not suitable when problems are being solved at work or with personal life: for example, you refuse a job to a candidate who is not suitable, or you refuse a date. It is not even necessary to reassure here;
• Tip 4: Be Humble. This quality can be your advantage if you don’t want to take on a lot of responsibility, it’s better to say directly that you are not ready and do not have such a baggage of skills and knowledge that will help you do such work, so you are not the best candidate for this work. This is a good option if a colleague asks you to do their work for them. It is important here not to go too far and not to cultivate a sense of insecurity in yourself.
• Tip 5. It is better to immediately refuse problematic and dangerous requests

Useful phrases

The refusal should be polite, so it is better not to be rude to the manipulator, but to gently explain to him that you cannot fulfill his request.

Important to know: If a situation arises in which the refusal will threaten your health or life, it is better to immediately seek help: friends, police, family. If a person is dangerous, you need to ask for help urgently, but while waiting for help, do not lose your sanity.

Should I learn to say "no"? Certainly! This skill needs to be developed until you feel free and confident. Many people get uncomfortable when they imagine they need to say no. But in fact, it is not difficult if you realize how stupid it is to waste your own life on the whims of others.

Can you learn to refuse?

Of course you can. This is a feasible task for any person. But in order for the refusal to sound unshakable, it is necessary to speak firmly and confidently. Then there will be no embarrassment and guilt, you can refuse without offending.

Our whole life is communication. People interact with each other, support and help. But sometimes a situation arises when the only right way out is to refuse the request. This is where the problems begin. How to refuse? Is it necessary to refuse at all, or is it worth putting other people's interests above your own? How to get rid of the feeling that you did not lend a helping hand? There are many reasons for concern.

Why are we afraid to say "no"?

External reasons are different, but the root of the problem lies in the fact that a person has an internal imbalance, because he had to refuse help. This conflict negatively affects the emotional state and causes moral discomfort. First of all, you need to realize that you are not the epicenter of why your friend is in a difficult situation. It's not your fault that he needs help.

So that the refusal does not bring internal disharmony, it is necessary to determine the motivation for which you do not want to fulfill the request, and assess how objective it is. This is the first step to victory. The next step will be to study the ways and tricks of how to politely refuse the interlocutor and not offend him.

If a person is unfamiliar

How to refuse? In this case, you don't have to worry at all. Just say "no" if the request makes you uncomfortable. To reduce the risk that further relationships will be severed, it is worth clearly and distinctly stating the reasons for your refusal. Strong arguments are the best way to maintain friendly communication. For example, "I can't do you a favor because I'm busy at work." If the person continues to insist, there is no need to make excuses, just repeat a firm “no” one more time.

Refusal is normal, natural, and sometimes even useful. There are many reasons why you can and should refuse ... however, there are just as many reasons why you cannot refuse, because of which, by the way, we often suffer later. But if you read this article, then it will be easier for you to identify that fine line when you can refuse and not worry about it.

Steps

Principles

1. Know when to say "no". You know, two-year-olds say “no” very often. But with them, everything is clear - they just found out that this happens at all, and the word “no” for them is fun. Two-year-olds are often seen as selfish and nonchalant, but there is still something about their behavior that is helpful to any adult who wants to learn how to say no. What exactly? Saying “no” is normal. Of course, adults, unlike children, understand when it is possible to refuse, and when it is impossible.

   • It's okay to say no when you just don't feel like something, as long as it doesn't affect your studies or work. There is nothing wrong with giving up something and taking time for yourself.
   • Refusing when you simply don’t have time for something is also quite normal. Many people simply do not realize how difficult it is sometimes to snatch an hour or two out of a busy schedule for some third-party activity. However, some people still know about this ... but still ask for something of their own. Yes, just in case.
   • To refuse, so as not to get into an uncomfortable situation for yourself, is also possible and necessary. No one is obliged to step out of their comfort zone just to indulge the desires of others ... well, unless you are a soldier who cannot violate the oath.
   • You can also refuse when you are asked to buy something.

2. Find out why giving up is hard. There are always many specific reasons why it can be difficult for a person to refuse others. Most often, people do not refuse because of fear of the consequences of refusal. Again, thinking about the consequences is natural and right. However, it is important to understand two things: firstly, experiences will not change anything, and secondly, experiences should not prevent you from acting in your interests.

   • Why would you not be afraid to say “no”, the basis is the fear of the consequences. What will people do? What will they say? What will they think? Are you missing out on something important to you? Accept the fact that you don't quit out of fear, and then accept the other fact that fear won't change or help anything.

3. Accept your power and importance. Like a piece of the puzzle, you are an important part of the surrounding “anthroposystem”. It would not be complete without you. This statement is not even a statement, but a fact that is always true and for everyone, both for hardened extroverts with thousands of friends, and for hardened stay-at-home owls who do not leave their homes for months. Moreover, the second fact follows from the first fact - your decisions have a certain impact on the system around you. Accordingly, your duty is to make sincere decisions. That will be better for everyone.

   • Fear of the consequences of rejection is a symptom of a larger problem, namely the fear that you cannot influence others in any way. But it is treated simply, it is enough to recognize and accept the fact that you have all the power to influence people around you, regardless of what is said or done.

4. Accept the fact that all people are the same. On the one hand, of course, people differ greatly from each other - in characters, opinions, attitudes, etc. However, they all have something in common. All people are cogs in one big machine called “human society”. And you including. This is a fact that is pointless to argue with. Accordingly, the only reasonable choice would be to act in such a way as to be happy. Do not think that you have a huge reserve of influence on people that no one else in the world has. Everything is much more trivial: by refusing, you will only use the same mechanism that millions of people around the world use every day. And how they will react to your refusal is already their difficulties, not yours.

   • You have every right to define for yourself the boundaries of what is acceptable. Judge for yourself, do your friends say “no”? They say. Do people keep talking to them? Continue. In truth, if you worry more about yourself, you won't be hated for it. They will hate you only when you start to communicate with the people around you as if they were garbage. At the same time, of course, the word “no” is not a manifestation of superiority - on the contrary, it is a manifestation of mutual respect.

5. Realize that rejection is not cruel. By itself, the refusal is absolutely neutral. Rude, evil, defiant refusal becomes in our eyes when a person refuses us rudely, evilly or defiantly. But you can refuse quite calmly and even politely! Accordingly, there is no point in being afraid that rejection will damage your reputation if you refuse people, thinking about how you do it.

   • In other words, it is worth remembering two things: refusing is normal, refusing politely is right.

   Ways

   1. Justify your refusal. The easiest way to say no and not spoil anyone's mood for the day ahead is to say "no" and give reasons for your refusal. In this case, contrary to popular belief, any motive will do. Even if it seems to you that your reason is not weighty enough, you don’t need to come up with something else. If you just don’t want to take on some kind of obligation, that’s reason enough and that’s it.

      • For example, you are invited on a date, but you do not want to. What should be said? "Thank you but no. You are like a friend to me, nothing more.” And that's all, this will already tell the person that he/she has no chance. Believe me, you should not come up with any other reasons. And don't forget to refuse politely.
      • There is every chance that your real reason will seem stupid or even insignificant to a person. For example, refusals motivated by “no, I’m going home to sleep” or “I just don’t feel like it” can be understood and accepted by far not every person. If such a situation has occurred, just remember that this is the reaction of another person - this is no longer your problem. Most importantly, be polite.
      • This is the method that should be used more often. Honesty and directness of your reputation will only play to your advantage, rest assured. If you find it difficult to refuse because of a negative childhood experience (say, being bullied at school), then you will be surprised at how little rejection hurts normal people.

   2. Make a counter offer. Sometimes it happens that you have to refuse, but this does not mean that you are not interested in the offer! For example, you work weekends and a friend asks you to help them move. You wish you could help, but you can't. In this case, you can make a counter offer - on your own terms. Offer to help, say, just for a couple of hours, or offer to come the next day and help finish the rest.

      • Counter offers are less binding and, at the same time, other obligations. You need to use them when you do not want to refuse, but, due to third-party reasons that you cannot change, you must. In addition, counteroffers will greatly help those who would be happy to refuse, but would not want to give up everything completely.

   3. Offer to try again, but later. For example, if the seller persistently offers you to buy a product or service, it is important to think not about him, but about your pocket. Refuse confidently and clearly, but to sweeten the pill, promise that you will think about buying again. And don't worry if you end up not buying anything - a little bit of a lie never hurt anyone ... much.

      • For example, to politely show the salesperson that you should look for another target, politely tell him something like “Thank you, don’t do it now,” and promise to remember his offer - just in case.
      • Of course, this option is not suitable for those cases when you make a decision, and you are asked what the decision will be. Thus, offering to try again would be redundant in situations where you are an employer and you are asked if you will hire this or that applicant, or, for example, when you are invited on a date. In such cases, it is better to simply refuse and motivate the refusal. Harsh, of course, but it does not give false hopes.

   4. Be humble. When asked to take on too much responsibility, use modesty to your advantage. Confidently refuse the offer, say that you are not the best candidate for this job. Then you can simply refuse, or you can continue to develop the theme of the lack of skills and abilities necessary to do the job - it all depends on what you are asked for and what kind of reputation you have.

      • If you just don't want to take on extra responsibility, then say so.
      • If the request sounds intriguing, but you are sure that you will not pull it, rest on a lack of knowledge. The main thing is not to go too far - you don't want to be alone with a feeling of insecurity in your own abilities, do you?

   5. Answer problematic requests with a sharp refusal. Yes, being polite is the best thing, but sometimes your politeness will be mistaken for weakness. Accordingly, if someone tries to force you to agree, ridicules your motive and demands an explanation, then it would be necessary to put the boor in his place. The next time this person asks you to do something you don't want, give them a firm "I don't" or "I won't." And that's it, he doesn't need to know anything else. Asked to explain? Ask him what it is about the word “no” that he needs to explain.

      • Yes, it will piss off the one you refuse. However, in those rare cases when such a method of refusal will nevertheless take place, there is nothing to worry about. Yes, being sharp is not easy, but sometimes it is simply necessary.
      • Just because you get angry doesn't mean the friendship is over. However, this method should be used only when all other options have been tried, but nothing helps.
   • Be positive and kind when you say no. This is a simple and useful thing, as it lets people know that your refusal is not caused by the fact that you were offended by them or something like that.
   • If you refused in a situation where refusing means putting your health at risk, you should seek help from the authorities, and as soon as possible. Use your common sense to survive until help arrives safe and sound, but don't delay calling for help. Remember that help will come to everyone - in the form of friends, relatives, police, employees of relevant services, etc. Don't forget about it.

It is believed that it is psychologically much more comfortable for a person to agree than to refuse. Indeed, many have great difficulty in saying "No", even if objectively they had all the moral and legal rights to refuse. We suggest that you do not ignore the right to negative answers and give a few advice, how to learn to refuse and don't worry about it.

Why is it important to be able to say no?

Feelings of guilt and embarrassment, anger on yourself and the one who addressed you, wasted time, money etc., execution someone else's work, solution other people's problems etc. - these are just some of the consequences that those who do not know how to refuse correctly face. Plus to that broken plans, problems with friends or family members, which are "exchanged" for the execution of the next request, constant stress, lack of time and other "joys of life", up to serious psychological problems. And all because of the difficulty in saying no.

Here we add the fact that many manipulators know very well (on a conscious or subconscious level) who from their environment cannot refuse, and are starting to take advantage of it.. It is in this way that some begin to work for two, regularly take care of other people's children or take on the solution of other people's problems on an ongoing basis. But even if you are lucky and there are no manipulators in your environment (or they could not adapt you to solve their goals), the ability to refuse a request or something like that will certainly come in handy for you.

Of course, we are not suggesting saying no to everyone at all (especially before the question has been raised). We just want to help you learn to say no and not feel bad about it. Therefore, in this article we do not offer you universal “excuses” for all occasions: our focus is not on excuses, but on the very process of how best to refuse so as not to offend anyone and not experience internal torment yourself.

Why and to whom we do not like to refuse

Before moving on to practical advice on how to properly refuse people, let's think about why it is generally difficult for us to do this? In relation to different personalities, different reasons come into play, but the most typical ones can be distinguished. As with many other questions,
knowledge of the cause is necessary in order to choose the correct strategy of action in the future.

Some prefer not to refuse, because every request / offer to them exalts them in their eyes, raises self-esteem.
Such people like to feel needed and useful, they like the feeling that they are needed. And here, as in the case of universal adoration, among other things, it is important to work with the root cause of such a state.

Reasons why you can't refuse

1. Fear that the person will be offended or angry

Most often, we do not know how to refuse people because of this fear. It's just not clear what a person should be offended by: your busyness or desire to relax, etc.? Believe me, you will be understood if you clearly explain the reason for the refusal.

2. Fear of not being loved, respected, or just treated well

To be honest, this situation can happen, but only when they try to manipulate you. So, to fulfill the desire of another, to succumb to a provocation. Do you need it? It is better to spend your free time on yourself: get rid of complexes and feelings of insecurity.

3. Axiom learned in childhood: to refuse help is rude and impolite

It's one thing when an old neighbor asked you to run to the grocery store because it's hard for her to walk, and quite another when a work colleague tries to shift his part of the work to you. It is clear that in the first case it is a matter of conscience, and in the second a vivid example of manipulation. In a word, you need to understand well in what cases your help is really needed.

4. Fear of saying "no" is sometimes imposed by society itself

Ask yourself two very simple questions: How often do you ask for a favor from others, and do you ask at all? Are there people in your environment who do things as a quid pro quo? After answering them, think about whether you should be so afraid of refusing. Maybe you generally rely only on yourself in all matters, and people who help only in exchange for something, why are they needed at all. Do not succumb to the manipulations of society, do not be afraid: there will always be people who are ready to help just like that.

5. The position of a person with low self-esteem is this: the needs and desires of other people are more important than mine.

In this case, ask yourself: "Why can't I refuse people? Are my deeds so petty and insignificant?" Most likely, you just need to accept yourself for who you are and understand your own significance for the people around you.

Consequences

But whatever the reason for fail-safe behavior with other people, remember: nothing good will come of it. First, you force yourself to do something that you absolutely do not want. And, as you know, if you do any work under duress, you will not get any positive energy and useful skills. After its completion, you will experience severe fatigue and a feeling of complete emptiness.

Secondly, constantly indulging the desires of other people, you risk becoming a victim. This means that soon your environment will get used to imposing your work, interests, point of view, fill up with requests and favors. In a word, he will try to manipulate. And the result will be taken for granted. But this is only half the trouble, worse if a person deliberately becomes a victim. His logic usually comes down to a simple thought that fits into one phrase: let everyone be fine, let them not appreciate me now, they will understand when they lose. This is such pride that elevates a person above all the rest.

Thirdly, the constant feeling of guilt. As often happens, you make a promise that, due to some circumstances, you cannot keep. As a result, you have to lie, dodge, hide. All this leads to one thing - a sense of guilt, in front of yourself and others, not to mention the spoiled relationship with a person.

Fourth, unfortunately, most often a trouble-free person acquires a reputation as unreliable and loses the trust of others in himself. And all because he cannot and does not know how to refuse directly and clearly. Instead, he promises to fulfill the request, and then hides, letting the person down with such behavior.

How to learn to refuse

It is still possible to learn how to correctly refuse the petitioner in his constant requests. First you need to understand that you are simply manipulated, that is, they are used for their own purposes. Keeping this fact in mind, you can safely answer “no” without fear of offending a person, and without feeling guilty about it. Don't forget that you have the absolute right to refuse. Just like you can’t forbid another person to ask for a favor or help. But it is up to you to decide what to answer: “yes” or “no”. And remember, the closer and dearer the person, the softer the refusal will be. So, you need to be able to refuse. So where do you start?

1. Out loud, loudly and clearly, say the word “no” several times. Do this until it becomes familiar to you.

2. Model and imagine situations in which you find it difficult to answer “no”. But only with the difference that you are not afraid to refuse the petitioner and do not make excuses. And just tell the interlocutor that you can not help him.

3. For training purposes, start small. Pay attention to simple and minor situations in which you can gently but confidently say “no”. In the future, this will help to make the right decision in more difficult situations.

How to refuse correctly

1. First show the interlocutor your attitude to the request. It can be a variety of emotions, ranging from irritation to regret. You do not refuse yet, but show your feelings to your partner and explain what exactly does not suit you. This is an excellent preparation of a person for rejection without harming his ego.

2. Say no. Clearly explain the reason for the denial.

3. The main purpose of the refusal is the opportunity for you at this time to do the work you need. Think and offer the petitioner an alternative solution to the problem. This will help you avoid unnecessary hassle, and the person will see that you are not indifferent to his problems.

4. Be sure to listen to your partner, do not interrupt him.

5. If, after the above arguments, you still have not changed your decision to correctly refuse, repeat your thought again, only taking into account the words of the interlocutor. Again state all the reasons why the request will not be fulfilled, consistently and persistently.

Learning to say no to people is very important. So you will gain time and energy that you can spend on yourself, you will be able to maintain good relations with people around you, and receive well-deserved respect.