How to tell your child about death someone close, and especially if the child has lost his father or mother? This is actually a very painful question for those who are close to the child, and specifically in the second case.

And usually, due to the fact that it is extremely difficult to talk about this and it is not clear what words to choose so as not to traumatize the baby’s psyche, the relatives surrounding the child decide that it is better not to say anything at all. And then they begin to come up with all sorts of stories about the deceased’s business trip, about the fact that he is sleeping, about the fact that he has gone to a cloud and a bunch of other “sparing” options.

But in fact, to the question - “ How to tell your child about death? - there is only one answer, the child needs to be told the truth, and in plain text - this person is dead. Of course, this phrase should not be at the very beginning of your story, and it should not be the only one. The closest person should speak - dad or mom. But if you don’t say the word “died,” then the child will always wait for this person, he will hope that he will “return from a long business trip,” “come off the cloud,” and whatever, because the child’s psyche does not know crooked logic - that’s all taken at face value, as the adults said. And the child has no idea that behind this there was some kind of subtext that only an adult could understand.

If you don’t tell the truth right away, but for example, in a month, they say it will be easier, no, it won’t be easier. The child will begin to worry, become depressed, and will not be himself. “Well, where is the exit?” - you ask? And the solution is for the child, along with everyone else, to learn about grief, to see how those around him cry and grieve, so that he understands and realizes that the person is no longer around. And only then will he grieve and cry normally and openly - with everyone together, when it should be. Only then will he be able to let his feelings out. Because then, in a month, he will see that no one around is crying, he will restrain his emotions and then show a depressive state. And working with this is much more difficult than sitting and crying next to your dad or mom.

Such situations are easier to resolve in villages - everyone knows everything there and the whole village bury them, and the children see this. Whether to take a child to a cemetery or not is, of course, a controversial issue. He may not be frightened by the very fact of the coffin in the grave, but will be frightened by the crying and hysterics that accompany this process. The child is more receptive to what happens without words, at the level of sensations. But if he is already about 7 years old, then he will understand everything and other people’s hysterics will not scare him. The main thing here is that if a child goes with you to the cemetery, he should know in advance all the stages of what will happen there, including about hysterics. Then everything will be clear and there will be no surprises.

The thing is that this issue has its own framework and rules. Why is 40 days after a person’s death such a special number? From the point of view of the church, the soul only after this period finally leaves this world, and it is this time that is set aside to mourn and grieve for the deceased. And the final acceptance of such an event comes only a year later. And if you don’t cry, then your heart breaks into pieces... Grief that is not dealt with in a timely manner can then, years later, result in psychosomatics of a different nature. This happens to those adults who, for example, were responsible for organizing funerals and memorials; they simply did not have the time and opportunity to grieve. And, by the way, if you don’t work through such a situation with a psychologist, then this grief carries on for years, and even after 20 years it is remembered as sharply as if it happened yesterday. Don't drive your psyche into such a far corner! There is always a way out!

And if you didn’t tell your child everything in a timely manner, be prepared for anything, but you need to say it and you also need to cry with him. Then you can help the child write a message to the deceased, with the feelings that he wants to express. Draw a picture and take it to the grave. Explain that it was difficult for you to tell him about this before and ask the child for forgiveness for this. Make it clear that this can be talked about and this way we keep the person in memory. And constantly bring your child to talk, do not let him withdraw into himself, and if he still finds it difficult to cope with this, go with the child to a psychologist.

There are no similar articles.

Parents, trying to protect their child from the feeling of loss, and often, simply not knowing how to talk about it, hide death from the child loved one. How to explain to a child why his beloved grandfather no longer comes? Why it is important not to hide the truth about the death of a loved one from a child, and how to correctly tell him about it, the candidate explains in his article psychological sciences, children's and family psychotherapist Mogileva Vera Nikolaevna.

Why are we scared

Our attitude towards death depends on the culture in which we live and what attitude towards death our parents conveyed to us at one time. Adults often find this topic terrible. But for a child it may look completely different.

For example, in many cultures (India, Latin America) death is perceived as a joyful event, because the man passed his life path in this world, fulfilled his destiny, solved certain evolutionary problems and left for another world. Even the death of a child is not perceived as a tragedy - he was born pure and therefore quickly left this world.

Many ancient religions reflect the idea evolutionary development souls through rebirth and return to Earth (Hinduism, Judaism, Buddhism, etc.). This gives rise to a different attitude towards death than in atheistic or late Christian societies.

Previously (before the revolution) in Russia it was customary to prepare for death. Both spiritual and everyday preparation were carried out. It was customary to die at home, having previously completed all matters, said goodbye to relatives and reached a state of forgiveness and peace, accepting the fact of one’s dying as a given. Children were also invited to the dying person. They communicated with him, listened to parting words and understood that death is as much a part of life as birth. At the same time, there was no such panic fear of this phenomenon.

In later forms of religions, rituals arose that evoked fear of death (mourners, black clothes, etc.). The theme of death took on an increasingly terrifying meaning. In the 60s of the 20th century, the practice of placing a dying person in a hospital arose, which deprived him of the support and support of loved ones; moreover, doctors stopped informing the dying person about his terminal diagnosis. As a result, the person lived in the illusory hope that he would not die and he never managed to come to a state of accepting the fact of his death. The illusion of the absence of death grew in society. This illusion was transmitted to children from an early age.

Why is it important to tell your child the truth?

Even if we do not consider death as an aspect of any religion, then in any case - physical death- this is reality. All people die sooner or later. This is an indisputable fact. Therefore, to hide this phenomenon from a child, creating the illusion that death does not exist, is to cause serious harm to him. psychological trauma in future. He understands that if a topic is forbidden and makes adults so worried and upset, then death is something terrible. Gradually he begins to live under the unconscious fear of death.

Adults hide from children the fact of the death of a loved one often out of their own selfishness - they are not ready to face the child’s feelings of loss and grief, to help him survive this and support him, because... At this time they are overcome by their own feelings.

It is noteworthy that this topic is very important for children, and it has its own age stages development. Thus, at the age of 4 years, children begin a sensitive period in which they begin to realize the finitude of life. First, this understanding is associated with the awareness of the finitude of the lives of loved ones, and only then - the finitude of one’s life. If at this age you hide the fact of the death of a loved one from a child or illiterately convey this information to him, then this can indeed become a lifelong trauma for the child. The fact of the naturalness of death will be forced out of consciousness forever, and the fear of death will take its place.

Accepting this phenomenon as a given leads to the fact that the quality of life changes. Responsibility for one’s actions appears, and life is filled with a different meaning.

How to act competently in this case?

Firstly , an adult needs to understand and realize his own fear of death. The melancholy and sense of loss among those left in this world are largely due to the fact that they cannot imagine their life without the deceased. Often the reason for this is not love, but fear for oneself, guilt before the deceased, etc. If there was not a painful dependence between close people, but a healthy attachment, they will be able to “let go” of each other. And those living will retain the warmth and positivity from their existing relationships.

Secondly , this warmth and positivity can be conveyed to a child, for example, telling him: “Grandfather died. When people die, they don't come back. But he will always be with you, and will always support you." There is no mysticism or religious background in these words. Even if you are not a believer, you can always turn to the image of the deceased in your heart, ask him about something, get an answer and support. You can teach this to your child too.
The baby does not need to hear and know all the details and facts (for example, about the course of the disease, or a car accident) - he is still very small and cannot understand everything.

Specific words

Children from whom the fact of a loved one’s illness was not hidden will perceive the information more easily and the situation will be much clearer to them.
It is important to immediately explain all aspects of death to the child that may cause fears or feelings of guilt.

• If death occurred as a result of illness, explain that not all diseases lead to death, so that later, if the child becomes ill, he will not be afraid to die.

“My grandmother was very ill, and the doctors could not cure her. Let's remember, you were sick last month and got better. And I was sick recently, remember? And he also recovered. Yes, there are diseases for which there are no cures yet, but you can grow up, become a doctor and find a cure for the most dangerous disease.”

• If the death occurred as a result of an accident, the fact of death must be explained without blaming anyone for it. To prevent the child from developing a fear of losing the remaining loved ones, you need to tell him that the others want to live long and do not want to leave him alone.

“Yes, my mother died, but I want to live for a very long time, I want to be with you all the time, I will take care of you until you grow up. Don't be afraid, you are not alone."

• An adult must block the child's feelings of guilt.

“It’s not your fault that mom died. No matter how you behaved, it would still happen. So let’s better talk about how we should live further.”

• Here it is appropriate to let the child understand that now very important point to re-evaluate relationships with remaining loved ones.

“You loved dad very much, and I cannot replace him for you, but I will try very hard to give you the same support as he did.” “You always trusted your secrets only to your mother. I can't replace her in this. But I really want you to know that you can tell me about any difficulties you have and I will help you. You are not alone, we are together."

It is important to remember that grandfather was a close person not only to you, but also to your child. By hiding the fact of his departure from your child, you take on the right to decide how to further develop their relationship, and the relationship continues to develop even after the death of a loved one (for example, many can understand and forgive a loved one only after his departure).

Author: Candidate of Psychological Sciences, Associate Professor of the Department of Correctional Psychology and Pedagogy, Children’s psychologist-consultant, family psychotherapist, Montessori teacher AMI diploma (Association Montessori International) 2.5-6 +, head of Children's Montessori center“Alice” Mogilev V.N.

Question for a psychologist:

Good afternoon My sister died, 25 years old. She has 5 left summer child. How can I tell him about his mother's death? Thank you.

Psychologist's answer:

Hello, I sympathize with your trouble.

I think that the child needs to be told everything as it is, directly and without distorting reality. Sometimes adults, trying to protect the child, come up with various stories to explain the absence of the mother, believing that it is better for the child not to know about the death. And yet, with the best of intentions, these stories cause more harm than good. In this case, the truth is - the best remedy. At this age, a child may have no or very fragmentary ideas about death. Moreover, the child is frightened not so much by death as such (we adults are rather afraid of it), but by the absence of his mother and the lack of understanding of the reasons for this. The child may perceive the sudden absence of the mother as the fact that the mother abandoned him, stopped loving him, refused. He may be angry with his mother and feel “bad”, feel guilty, fantasizing that his mother left because he behaved badly or was guilty of something. These thoughts can cause depression and deeply traumatize the baby’s soul. Therefore, it is very important to explain that what happened to mom is not related to him and his behavior, that mom loved and continues to love him. But life is so arranged that now she cannot be physically nearby. But her love is there, just as before. Death is part of the life process. All living things are born and die. Some earlier, some later, but this happens to everyone. This is the law of nature, life and man is not able to influence it.

I am convinced that you will be able to find sincere and accessible words. This could be a metaphor, a comparison (if the child has ever observed, for example, the death of an animal or insect). If you are a believer, you can rely on religious ideas about death. One way or another, it is important that, if possible, the child can perceive the concept of death without fear, as a natural part of the life process. It is very important that the child maintains confidence in mother's love and knew that his mother still loved him, despite the fact that now they could not be together. With this confidence, it will be easier for the child to survive separation and get used to the new life. It is important that the child receives answers to all kinds of “why?” and was not left alone with disturbing thoughts. Perhaps you will not know the answer to some of the questions, then do not hesitate to say about your ignorance. Children are very sensitive to falsehood.

Perhaps there is some thing, a symbol that could stay with the child and remind him of his mother, through which the child could contact his mother whenever he wants.

I wish you wisdom and patience in this difficult hour for you.

Sincerely,
Nekrylova Natalya, psychologist.

Post navigation

F.A.Q. tags

Facebook page

• Question to a psychologist: Vision of the situation: a small town, a woman trained as a psychoanalyst advised many people from our course.…

• Question to a psychologist (1): Hello! Before I present my problem, I would like to start with a little background...

• Question to a psychologist: I’m tormented by terrible thoughts, it’s very difficult to get rid of them, I just want to shoot myself, I went to a psychotherapist,...

Myths about psychotherapy

• Often it turns out exactly the opposite. It can be easier to have a heart-to-heart conversation with a stranger, for example a random fellow traveler on a train. Paradoxically...

• Seeing a psychologist does not mean asking him to solve a problem for you. Any type of psychotherapy is based on the principle of sharing responsibility...

Death is an integral part of life, and any child sooner or later learns about its existence. This usually happens when the baby sees a dead bird, mouse or other animal for the first time in his life. It also happens that he receives his first knowledge about death under more tragic circumstances, for example, when a family member dies or is killed. It is quite expected that this question, so frightening for adults, will be asked: What happened? Why does grandma (dad, aunt, cat, dog) lie motionless and not talk?

Even very young children are able to distinguish living from non-living and a dream from something more frightening. Usually, out of fear of traumatizing the child’s psyche, parents try to avoid the topic of death and start telling the child that “the cat got sick and was taken to the hospital.” “Dad has left and will return when you are already quite old,” etc. But is it worth giving false hope?

Often behind such explanations there actually lies a desire to spare not the child’s psyche, but one’s own. Young children do not yet understand the meaning of such concepts as “forever”, “forever”, they consider death to be a reversible process, especially in light of how it is presented in modern cartoons and films, where characters either die or move to another world and turn into funny ghosts. Children's ideas about non-existence are extremely blurred. But for us, adults, who are well aware of the gravity of what happened, it is often very, very difficult to talk about the death of loved ones. And the big tragedy is not that the child will have to be told that dad will never return, but that they themselves will have to experience it again.

How traumatic information about the death of a loved one will be depends on the tone in which you talk about it with your child, with what emotional message. At this age, children are traumatized not so much by words as by the way we say them. Therefore, no matter how bitter the death of a loved one is for us, in order to talk with a child we should gain strength and calmness in order not only to inform him about what happened, but also to talk, discuss this event, and answer the questions that have arisen.

However, psychologists recommend telling children the truth. Parents must understand how much information and what quality their child is able to perceive, and must give him the answers that he will understand. In addition, it is usually difficult for young children to clearly formulate their question, so you need to try to understand what exactly is worrying the baby - he is afraid to be left alone, or he is afraid that mom and dad will also die soon, he is afraid of dying himself, or something else. And in such situations, believing parents find themselves in a more advantageous position, because they can tell their child that the soul of their grandmother (dad or other relative) has flown to heaven to God. This information is more benign than purely atheistic: “Grandma died and she is no more.” And most importantly, the topic of death should not be taboo. We get rid of fears by talking about them, so the child also needs to talk about this topic and get answers to questions that are understandable to him.

It is still difficult for young children to understand why their loved one is taken away from home and buried in the ground. In their understanding, even dead people need food, light, communication. Therefore, it is quite possible that you will hear the question: “When will they dig it up and bring it back?” the child may worry that her beloved grandmother is alone underground and will not be able to get out of there on her own, that she will feel bad, dark and scared there. Most likely, he will ask this question more than once, because it is difficult for him to assimilate the new concept of “forever.” We must calmly answer that the dead are not dug up, that they remain in the cemetery forever, that the dead no longer need food and warmth, and do not distinguish between light and night.

When explaining the phenomenon of death, one should not go into theological details about Last Judgment, about what souls good people go to Heaven, and the souls of the bad ones go to Hell and so on. To a small child suffice it to say that dad has become an angel and is now looking at him from heaven, that angels are invisible, you cannot talk to them or hug them, but you can feel them with your heart. If a child asks a question about why a loved one died, then you should not answer in the style of “everything is God’s will”, “God gave - God took”, “it was God’s will” - the child may begin to consider God an evil being who causes grief and suffering to people and separating him from his loved ones.

The question often arises: should I take children to the cemetery for burial or not? Definitely - small ones are not allowed. The age at which a child will be able to survive the oppressive atmosphere of a burial, when the adult psyche cannot always withstand it, is purely individual. The sight of sobbing people, a dug hole, a coffin being lowered into a grave is not for the child’s psyche. Let the child, if possible, say goodbye to the deceased at home.

Sometimes adults are perplexed as to why a child reacts sluggishly to the death of a loved one, does not cry or mourn. This happens because children are not yet able to experience grief in the same way as adults. They do not fully understand the tragedy of what happened and, if they experience it, it is inside and in a different way. Their experiences can be expressed in the fact that the baby will often talk about the deceased, remember how they communicated, and spent time together. These conversations must be supported, so the child gets rid of anxiety and worries. At the same time, if you notice that after the death of a loved one, the baby developed the habit of biting his nails, sucking his finger, he began to wet the bed, became more irritable and whiny - this means that his experiences are much deeper than you might think, he is not If you are able to cope with them, you need to contact a psychologist.

Memorial rituals adopted by believers help to cope with grief. Going to the cemetery with your child and putting a bouquet of flowers on the grave will make your grandmother happy. Go to church with him and light a candle on the eve, read a simple prayer. You can take out an album with photographs and tell your child about how good his grandparents were, and remember the pleasant episodes from life associated with them. The thought that, having left the earth, the deceased did not disappear completely, that in this way we can maintain at least such a connection with him, has a calming effect and gives us hope that life continues after death.

ABC of education

Usually at the age of 5-6 years, a child first realizes that death is an inevitable fact of the biography of any person, and therefore of himself.

Life invariably ends in death, we are all finite, and this cannot but worry an already grown-up child. He begins to fear that he himself will die (go into oblivion, become “nobody”), his parents will die, and how will he remain without them?

The fear of death is also closely related to the fear of attack, darkness, night monsters, illness, natural Disasters, fire, fire, war. Almost all children go through such fears to one degree or another, this is absolutely normal.

The fear of death, by the way, is more common in girls, which is associated with a more noticeable instinct of self-preservation in them, in comparison with boys. And it is most pronounced in impressionable, emotionally sensitive children.

What we, parents, need to do first of all is to understand our own attitude to the topic of life and death. Determine for yourself what you believe in? What, in your opinion, happens or does not happen to a person after death (it is better to explain to the child the difference between body and soul: the body is buried in the ground or burned, but the soul...). Explain your introduction, be calm, concise and sincere.

Do not lie.

Speak in simple, understandable language (say “people are dying” instead of “we are falling asleep” eternal sleep" / "we depart to another world").

Reply only to questions asked. If you don’t know what to answer, just say: “I don’t have an answer yet, but I’ll think about it.”

Do not compare death with sleep (many children then begin to fear that they may die in their sleep). Like a dried flower that will never bloom or smell sweet again, a dead person does not breathe, does not move, does not think and does not feel anything. When we sleep, we continue to live and feel, and our body continues to function.

“Mom (Dad), are you going to die? And will I die too?

Here it is better to emphasize that people die in old age, and before it comes, many, many different, interesting and important events: “you will grow up, you will learn (then you can list the numerous skills that the child will master - skating and roller skating, baking delicious cookies, write poems, organize parties), you will graduate from school, go to college, you will have your own family, children, friends, your own business, your children will also grow up and study, will work... People die when their life ends. And your life is just beginning.”

You can say about yourself: “I’m going to live for a long, long time, tomorrow I want to do this and that, in a month I want to do this and that, and in a year I plan..., and in 10 years I dream...”

If a child already knows that people die and at a young age too, we must admit that this really happens, there are exceptions to any phenomenon, but most people still live to see deep wrinkles.

The fear of death can be reflected in nightmares, once again emphasizing the underlying instinct of self-preservation. Here you need to remember that fears really don’t like being talked about, spoken out loud again and again, so you should not tremble with fear under the covers, but share what frightens you with your parents.

Fears also really don’t like to be drawn. You can tell your child: “Draw what you are afraid of.” Then discuss the drawing and ask them to think about what the child wants to do with it (tear it into small pieces, crumple it up as hard as they can and throw it in the trash, or somehow change it and make it funny and ridiculous, because fears are terrified of a child’s laughter). Also, a little later, the child can draw himself - how he is not afraid and conquers his fears (this is very therapeutic).

In the process of drawing, fears can come to life again and become sharper. It is believed that there is no need to be afraid of this, since the revival of fears is one of the conditions for their complete elimination. (Important: for ethical reasons, you cannot ask a child to depict the fear of his parents’ death in a drawing.)

Fears are worked out perfectly during sand therapy sessions.

And yes, best strategy for parents, when children's fears arise, do not dramatize, do not create a stir, reassure (“I am near, I am with you, you are under my protection”), caress, kiss, hug, be emotionally responsive, give support, love, recognition, and - be stable, calm and self-confident; work through your own fears, and not broadcast them to children.

What if someone close to you died? (instructions according to V. Sidorova)

Death cannot be hidden.

The closest adult, the one whom the child knows well and whom he trusts, should inform the child.

You need to start a conversation at a time when the child is full, not tired, and not excited. Not in the nursery!

During a conversation, you need to control yourself, you can cry, but you cannot burst into tears and immerse yourself in your own feelings. The focus is on the child.

Skin-to-skin and eye-to-eye contact is desirable.

You need to say clearly and briefly: “We have experienced grief. Grandma died (pause).” A pause is needed so that the child has the opportunity to comprehend what he has heard and ask questions that he will probably have. Answer the questions as sincerely as possible and only what you really think, in simple, accessible words.

The child’s reaction can be different, sometimes very unexpected, accept it as it is. If you cry, hug him, rock him in your arms, comfort him quietly and affectionately. If you run away, don’t run after him. Visit him in 15-20 minutes and see what he is doing. If nothing, sit silently next to her. Then you can tell what will happen tomorrow or the day after tomorrow. If he does, join the game and play by his rules. If he wants to be alone, leave him alone. If he gets angry, increase this activity. When you're exhausted, sit next to him and talk about the future. Don't be afraid of a child's tantrum, most likely there won't be one.

Cook him his favorite food for dinner (but no big feasts). Spend more time with your child. When putting him to bed, ask if he wants to leave the light on? Or maybe you should sit with him, read, tell him a story?

If on this or the next night the child has terrible dreams, wakes up and comes running, then on the first night, if he asks, you can allow him to stay in your bed (but only if he asks, do not offer). Otherwise, you should send him back to his bed and sit next to him until he falls asleep.

Do not avoid talking with your child about death or his experiences, do not limit the choice of books or cartoons that, in your opinion, may contain scenes that remind him of grief.

It is important to make as few changes as possible to his usual lifestyle. The child should have the same people, toys, and books around him. Tell him every night about your plans for tomorrow, make schedules, outline and - what is very important! - carry out activities. Do everything to give your child the feeling that the world is stable and predictable, even if there is no loved one in it. Have lunch, dinner and go for walks at the same time as the child was used to doing this before the loss.

Whims, irritation, aggression, apathy, tearfulness, agitation or unusual isolation, games on the theme of life and death, aggressive games for 2 months are the norm. If the nature of games, drawings, interactions with objects and other children does not return within 8 weeks to the norm that was before the loss, if after this time the child continues to be tormented by nightmares, he wets the bed, began to suck his finger, began to rock while sitting on a chair or standing, twirling his hair or running on tiptoes for a long time - he needs to see a psychologist.

Should my child attend the funeral?

This issue is resolved individually. You can ask the child himself (you need to ask 2 times) if he wants to go to the cemetery. If not, stay at home. If so, then during the funeral there should be a close acquaintance of an adult next to the child who will maintain physical contact with him and answer all questions, i.e. will devote himself only to him.

If your pet dies

The whole family can bury him and put flowers on the grave. A funeral is a farewell ritual that helps us build the boundary between life and death. Tell your child not to be ashamed of his feelings, that mourning and grieving for a deceased loved one, be it a person or a pet, is absolutely normal and natural, and it takes time to survive the loss, when acute melancholy is replaced by light sadness and reconciliation with life occurs, in which the beloved being is no longer there, but there is his image in the memory and hearts of those to whom he was dear.

Literature (for children):

1. W. Stark, S. Viersen “A Star Called Ajax” (this is a fiction book about how to survive the loss close friend, about how joy is reflected in sadness)

2. K.F. Okeson, E. Erickson “How Grandfather Became a Ghost” (it turns out that people become ghosts if they haven’t done something in their lives. According to the plot of the book, the grandfather comes to his grandson every night, and together they try to remember what the grandfather forgot)

3. A. Fried, J. Gleich “Is grandpa in a suit?” (how main character, a boy of about 5 years old, experiencing the death of his grandfather and solving for himself the problem of the finitude of life)

4. U. Nilsson, E. Erickson “The Kindest in the World” (a story about how children play funeral ritual - one summer day they decided to conduct last way all the dead animals that we could find)

5. P. Stalfelt “The Book of Death” (a small picture book, not suitable for all children and not all parents!)

6. Tales of G.-H. Andersen’s “Chamomile”, “The Little Match Girl”, etc. (very sad stories that help to react to the feelings that arise in connection with the topic of death - watch them first for yourself and decide whether you should give them to your child)

You can make your own list of fairy tales, myths, legends, life stories (or come up with them yourself), where the theme of death would be present, how heroes cope with the loss of loved ones, what happens to the soul after death.

Found a mistake? Select it and press left Ctrl+Enter.