Every person at least once in his life heard an indignant accusation addressed to him: “You have no conscience!”. If you hear this from the lips of a stranger, then most likely you will ignore it. But a loved one with such a reproach can hurt, and very seriously. So what is conscience? And why is its absence considered a vice?

What is conscience?

The explanatory dictionary states that conscience is a person's ability to independently establish their own moral rules of behavior and control their implementation. The word "independently" raises doubts. After all, we do not invent the vast majority of moral norms, but draw from the world around us. Basically, at an early age, from parents.

Many people do not even think about how their inner voice of conscience knows what is good and what is bad. Only a few are able to consciously analyze their moral principles, discard unnecessary stereotypes thoughtlessly absorbed from the outside, translate desired behaviors and moral principles into skills.

Consequently, the basis of conscience is the moral ideals of the society in which a person was born and lives. On the one hand, this has its advantages. After all, the life experience of the whole society as a whole is much greater than that of a single person. Taking as an axiom the rules tested by generations, many troubles can be avoided.

On the other hand, the interests of society and an individual individual often do not coincide. If a person begins to live in a way that is beneficial to others, he is unlikely to be able to realize himself, achieve success, be happy.

You don't have to look far for examples. How many talented women did not realize themselves in the professional field just because they did not dare to step over the social stereotype "a wife should earn less than her husband." How many people gave their whole lives to an unloved profession that their parents chose for them, for the reason that they did not want to disappoint their father and mother. And there are many such examples, in all spheres of life.

Why are women more often tormented by conscience than men?

Women more often than men experience pangs of conscience. This is due to two reasons. Firstly, women are by nature more suspicious, emotional, listen to feelings, not reason.

Secondly, a sense of conscience is formed in childhood. And girls have always been more demanding. In adulthood, a woman is also surrounded by a number of conventions. Therefore, a woman has much more reasons to “suffer”, justified or not, than a man.

What to do if your conscience hurts?

The pangs of conscience are an unpleasant thing. Sometimes the smallest misconduct, which others did not even notice, causes a whole storm inside a person. Instead of moving on, the person remains in the situation from the past and engages in self-flagellation. Therefore, one must understand that although conscience is an indicator of morality, one should not blindly succumb to its voice.

If the mind tells you that it’s time to forget about the perfect, but the worm of conscience continues to gnaw at the soul, the following techniques will help:

• Realize that time cannot be turned back, therefore it is impossible to replay the situation for which the conscience torments. Think carefully about why you did what you did. How to do the right thing. Set yourself up for the future with a model of correct behavior in a similar situation.
• If possible, ask for forgiveness from the person you feel guilty about. Sincere repentance always brings relief.
• Tell a trusted person about the current situation and about your pangs of conscience. If not, write it down on paper.
• Give yourself a little punishment. It can be anything from morning running to after hours at work. It is important not to overdo it with punishment, because its goal is to get a sense of redemption, and not to find oneself for long and senseless suffering.

Psychologist's answer:

Hello Anna!

The problem exists in two ways. It's like forgiving yourself. And how to be honest in a relationship. You need to seriously think about your motives that prompted you to such an act. Because you deceive yourself in some way and contradict yourself in regard to your relationship with a young man. You are in a situation of violence, more, as I understand it, emotional. In your letter, you talk about how a victim who endured mistreatment for a long time and at some point decided to punish her Aggressor with treason. When a person falls into the system of violence, he begins to act according to one of the roles - Victim, Aggressor, Rescuer. This is Karpman's triangle. Periodically, the roles change: the one who was the Victim becomes the Aggressor and vice versa. You were a Victim when you put up with your partner's unreasonable aggression and poorly controlled behavior for a whole year. Then there was a change of role, and you yourself became the Aggressor when you cheated on a young man, justifying your act by the fact that you suffered from his bad attitude. You need to get rid of these positions (roles) in order to understand the real reasons for your actions and change them.

First, you should never respond with violence for violence - that is what draws you into such a triangle; betrayal is also a kind of violence against a partner. Secondly, you should always be aware when another person commits violence towards you and name it (in what it manifests itself); you need to think very seriously whether you need such a relationship in which you will be injured emotionally (and God forbid, physically)? Your young man needs psychological help, and most likely of a repeated nature, to overcome the devastating consequences that growing up in a dysfunctional family had on his psyche. Thirdly, always remember that if your partner does not want to change and continues to behave as the Aggressor or Victim (or Rescuer) in a relationship, then there is always a risk that you will automatically be involved in this unhealthy system. Then you need to learn to fight back such inappropriate behavior, set the necessary boundaries, but not tolerate violence, because it has a detrimental effect on you.

Cheating is serious in a relationship. You need to figure out how to deal with this now. It must be admitted that you chose the wrong way to solve the problem that existed in your relationship; Your act was a continuation of the chain of emotional abuse that the young man showed towards you. It was wrong to choose the same destructive method as a response to the inappropriate behavior of a partner. On the one hand, understanding this, one must try to forgive oneself for such an act; on the other hand, accept the losses that you and your relationship have suffered, because betrayal is a violation of fidelity, and fidelity is an important component of any relationship. In order for the acceptance process to happen correctly, you can work on it further. It will also help you put your emotions in order and become more whole. If you have a desire and attitude, then you can contact me for a second consultation. So think about it and if anything, write to me.

When they talk about infidelity, they most often mean an unfaithful husband. Women's infidelity occurs in family relationships is also quite common. Every woman at least once in her life caught herself thinking that she would like to have a short-term romance on the side. However, after the completed adultery, the wife begins to suffer remorse. What to do if you cheated on your husband?

Understand the reasons for cheating

Since childhood, women have been told that they are the guardians of the family hearth. Wives should raise children and support their husbands in everything. That is why the representatives of the weaker sex, unlike men, tend to engage in self-discipline after infidelity. Before you bring yourself to a depressive state, you need to understand the reasons for your act.

Psychologists identify the following reasons:

Should I tell my husband what happened?

Many women have a desire to repent to their husband about their deeds. Feelings of guilt and fear of being revealed push the wife to tell everything to her husband. However, psychologists do not advise confessing to a man about infidelity. Representatives of the stronger sex are very sensitive to deceit. Only a few are able to forgive their wife, and no one can forget about betrayal.

Men tend to "remember" their wives about their mistakes. Sooner or later, reproaches and memories of the past lead many couples to divorce. If you want to save your marriage, you must hide your act. Adultery out of revenge will not bring the desired results. By telling your negligent spouse about the betrayal, you will let him think that he is right. Going down to the level of a traitor, a woman gets only disappointment.

Psychological advice on how to deal with remorse and move on

Internal experiences lead to the fact that women become closed, aggressive, stop looking into the eyes of their spouse. They constantly think: “What should I do?”. Such behavior will sooner or later lead to a nervous breakdown. The advice of a psychologist will help to cope with remorse and live on.

If your conscience torments you, you must do the following:

What if you don't regret cheating?

In a prosperous family, trust and mutual respect should reign. Cheating without regrets speaks of possible problems in marriage. You need to think about the possible reasons for your behavior. Maybe you don't love your spouse anymore? The appearance of a lover is an occasion to sort out your feelings and develop a further plan of action.

If feelings for her husband have completely cooled down, you should think about breaking up the relationship. You don't have to live in deceit. Give yourself and your spouse the opportunity to find new happiness.

Sometimes cheating is a way to get away from solving family problems. Husband does not satisfy in bed, and the other man gives you the opportunity to get what you want? Perhaps you think that intimacy on the side is beneficial. You are satisfied, and the husband does not know about the problems. However, if you cheated on your husband once, you can hide it, and constant romances on the side will be revealed sooner or later.

If you do not want to divorce your spouse, try to change your intimate life. Gently hint to your loved one that you are not getting satisfaction. Learn from experts what to do, but do not stoop to constant cheating.

Another reason for the lack of regrets is the love for two men. This happens very rarely. However, the feeling of joy from intimacy with one of them can drown out remorse. Unfortunately, it will not work for a long time to rush from side to side. A choice must be made between them. No man wants to share his beloved with another.

If the husband found out about infidelity

So your deceit has been exposed. How to behave? Psychologists do not give a definite answer. Your behavior will depend on whether you want to save the family. If you value your marriage, you need to break off all relations with your lover and try to establish contact with your spouse. Your further actions largely depend on the character of your husband. There are 2 behaviors:

1. Ask for forgiveness. Say you don't know how it happened. You can cry, tell how you miss him, that he is the best.
2. Act according to the principle - "the best defense is an attack." Calmly explain to your spouse that he himself brought you to treason. Remind him of all the times when he was not there at the right time. Tell him that you miss his warmth. However, apologize and ask for forgiveness for your act.

No matter how the conversation with the faithful goes, it is necessary to give him time to think it over. Live alone for a while. Of course, even if he forgives you, your relationship will not be the same. Take it easy. Try to start life together from scratch. Discuss your problems so that there is no more desire to change.

How to prevent cheating?

If you began to think about an affair on the side, you need to take measures so that later you do not regret what you did. Try to understand what you lack in family relationships. If you need more attention, talk to your husband. Try to spend more time together. Go on vacation, change the scenery.

Pay attention to your loved one. Has your husband spent enough time with you? Surprise him in a new way. Show that you still know how to surprise. Go out with your spouse more often. Let him see that his woman attracts the eyes of other men. Let him know that you are only interested in him.

By conscience, we are accustomed to understand a kind of reaction that signals trouble in human perception. At the moment of the so-called "remorse" of conscience, we experience unpleasant emotions, we feel extremely uncomfortable. Tension, depression, self-flagellation, an unconscious concentration of attention on what I would very much like to forget - this is not a complete list of human torments characteristic of such conditions. Conscience “bites”, “stings”, “scratches”, “cuts”, “drills”. In everyday life, this term defines mental pain. So why does the conscience hurt?

Conscientious means good?

To date, the concept of "conscientious" person is identified with the definition of "good". But not everything is so simple and unambiguous. But such states do not arise spontaneously and are not natural for the human psyche. Behind such a reaction is an energy clot of experienced pain, which is manifested by a specific situation. And if a “conscientious” person often blames himself, this does not mean that he is “so good”, but that there is an internal conflict that needs to be resolved. We are so accustomed to giving an assessment to everything that we perceive the absence of such a reaction as a synonym for evil, and we consider a person to be insensitive.

What to do if your conscience gnaws?

Interpretation

The word "conscience" can be decomposed into components - "conscience", that is, a message that is consonant with our inner essence. In the generally accepted understanding, this is a message from God, an opportunity to hear the Universal Mind in your heart. And what we perceive as a manifestation of conscience, to put it mildly, does not really fit this definition. But contradictory states for a person are not a senseless pain, they lead to changes, rethinking of the existing reality. In the explanatory dictionary, conscience is considered as a person's ability to independently develop their own moral rules of behavior and follow them.

Here the word “independently” raises doubts, since the moral norms absorbed by us are, first of all, the result of upbringing, the influence of the surrounding world around us. We absorb certain beliefs in childhood, and later we perceive them as an inner voice of conscience, which does not understand where it knows what is bad and what is good.

Man is part of society

It is quite difficult to analyze and get rid of such norms and rules on a conscious level, since the laying is done at an early age. The solution to such issues comes with the help of a psychologist who studies their patterns and knows how to change "limiting beliefs". It can help to understand why the conscience torments.

Do not treat social moral standards and education negatively. After all, they contain the ideals of the country in which we live, the rules of conduct, tested by previous generations, are collected. This vast heritage of mankind is of great benefit. It is possible that at a certain stage of a person's individual development, norms and rules are a deterrent that protects a person from many troubles.

There comes a moment when a person reaches a level of psychic maturity and can afford to free himself from much of what used to lead and direct him. Moreover, the interests of a single individual and society do not always coincide. If a person continues to live in a way that is beneficial to others, then he is unlikely to be able to fully realize himself, achieve success, become truly happy.

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Conscience is called a certain moral tension, a person's experience for words and deeds. At the same time, the problem of conscience can affect not only one's own actions and words, but also the actions of someone else, and the meaning of the word conscience is distorted from one individual to another.

Definition and types

Determining what conscience is is not easy at once. The thing is that the problem of conscience is centuries-old and psychologists, philosophers of each period defined this word in their own way.

What does conscience mean from a psychological point of view: this is a quality of a person that indicates that he is able to take responsibility for his actions and words. Philosophers define a sense of conscience as a moral self-consciousness that distinguishes between good and bad, and also encourages a person to do good deeds.

V. Dahl gave conscience such a definition - it is an inner consciousness, a secret corner of the soul, where lynching takes place over every action and phrase, dividing them into good and bad, as well as a feeling that can give rise to love for good and aversion to evil.

Honor and conscience are inherent in moral people who adhere to the principles of justice and rules of life. If the conscience gnaws at a person, this means that he has committed an act that he himself cannot approve.

If she never torments a person, he is said to be soulless. So if it is impossible to return the spoken words and actions, why is conscience needed, and is it needed at all, or are there motives and ways to get rid of conscience?

Concept in religion

In Christian terminology, this word consists of fellowship and message. This means what it means to live according to conscience in Christianity - to live, benefiting society, to live together with it. Deeply believing people often say that if conscience torments, it is the voice of God that reproaches us for some unseemly deeds.

Why is it different for everyone?

When conscience torments, a person engages in self-digging and self-torture, reproaches and shames himself, again and again scrolling the act in his head, as a subject of reproaches. Some people are not and never have been tormented by it, because they do not realize that they are harming someone by their actions.

In fact, to have such moral feelings is characteristic of people brought up according to a certain scheme of distinguishing between good and evil. By adulthood, a so-called measure is formed in their minds, by which they determine the coloring of their own and other people's actions. This parenting pattern is very common: we often hear young children being told that tearing leaves off trees is bad, but sharing toys is good.

But such upbringing can make a child happy in the future only if the meanings and definitions of good and evil have not been distorted by the parents. If these concepts were instilled in a distorted form or not instilled at all, it is possible that in adult life a person lives without giving an account to honor and conscience.

What does it mean to have a conscience?

To the question: “Is conscience necessary?” can only be answered in the affirmative. A man's conscience serves as a just, but also a ruthless measure of his deeds. If your conscience gnaws, it means that what you have done does not correspond to your own ideas about good or neutral deeds.

If we imagine that honor and conscience are not inherent in any person on Earth, we can safely say that chaos will begin. Everyone will do completely random things: go and kill the offender, who for others is the breadwinner of the family and an adored relative, steal money from someone, perhaps the last, destined for food or treatment. After all, making an appointment and not showing up, insulting or hitting - all this would be ubiquitous, because no one could say that these actions are disgusting and unfair to others.

Sigmund Freud briefly described this quality. He believed that it originates in infancy: the child depends on parental love and acts in accordance with their standard of good and evil, so as not to lose this love.

It follows from this that conscience appears precisely in childhood, and parents and the environment play an important role in its formation. Multiple studies have proven that a conscientious person becomes one whose parents in childhood did not beat him for misconduct, but expressed their grief at his behavior. In adulthood, this person is responsible for his every word and does everything accordingly.

Tormenting conscience

There are a lot of definitions for this word, and among these definitions there is one stable one - torturing and gnawing. What to do to a person who is tormented by conscience? First of all, be happy for yourself. This means that you clearly see the problem and know what you were doing and why you lost your peace of mind.

Sometimes frank conversations about a problem are needed. For example, parents, sisters and brothers, close friends, spouses are people who should accept you as anyone, which means they will listen if your own conscience tormented you.

If the loss of balance is caused by deeds or words that hurt another person, you need to ask his forgiveness. An accepted apology will be a real balm for a troubled soul.

Do not try to drown out such feelings or define them in a different way, attributing them to fatigue or nervousness. If you have the honor to admit what you have done to yourself, life will become much easier.

A tormenting act is not always equivalent to the sensations experienced by the perpetrator. For example, some greatly exaggerate what they have done - such a situation is well described in Anton Chekhov's short story "The Death of an Official". A person can simply bring himself to hysteria when there are no objective reasons for this.

The most effective is still a dialogue with an offended person. Remember that a frank apology is not a humiliation or an infringement of pride, but shows you as a highly moral and well-mannered person who can answer for his words and deeds.

Differences from honor

Honor, conscience, guilt, duty - this is just a short list of terms and conditions that are often identified. Honor and conscience are quite close concepts, but they have certain differences, and fundamental ones.

Lastly, we measure our own actions in relation to others. This is a kind of inner judge of all words and deeds that brought joy to someone, and grief to someone. In accordance with this, the soul becomes good and easy, otherwise the conscience torments.

Honor is the measure of behavior towards oneself. There is a stable expression: this is below my honor and dignity. This means that a person cannot act in a certain way without hurting his own feelings.

It is worth noting that honor imposes a much greater responsibility. Honor is a set of strict rules and principles in which a person is brought up from childhood. This does not mean putting yourself above others, on the contrary, it means knowing your place among people and treating yourself more strictly than others.