Happiness is like a butterfly: the more effort you make to catch it, the further it flies. But as soon as you are distracted by something, she returns and suddenly sits on your shoulder. A similar situation can be seen with your desires. It often happens that a person really wanted his dream to come true. But it was not fulfilled; after a while this man completely lost hope and forgot about his desire.

And suddenly - a miracle - the dream came true, the wish came true. Analyze your life, and you will understand that there are many such situations in your life. The conclusion naturally suggests itself that what more people tries to achieve something, the more difficult it is to do it. But why does this happen? When a person becomes strongly attached to a person or situation, he literally becomes obsessed. “Wanting” becomes an obstacle to achieving a dream. You will miss everything if you don't stop being attached to your intentions and dreams. You need to learn to let go, not to be dependent on anything. It is then that you will find everything you need. But how to stop getting attached to people, to situations, to own desires and be able to let them go?

1. Just enjoy the current moment. Live in this moment as fully as you can. There is no need to think that you can become happy only when you achieve specific purpose or next to a certain person. With such thoughts, you will never get what you want. You can only be happy in this moment. Neither in the past, nor in the future, but right now. Just realize that you can feel joy and happiness simply because you are alive and can observe the beauty of the world around you. You shouldn’t put off life until later, as most people do in modern world. Plan, set goals, but under no circumstances become attached to them. You need to understand that once you achieve what you want, you will want even more. And so all your life you will chase happiness, although it is always nearby. Live, appreciate every moment, feel yourself happy man, regardless of external circumstances, and then you will get everything you want.

2. Understand what this or that person or event taught you, learn a lesson from it. Nothing happens for nothing. You need not just to get rid of memories of a situation or a person, but to let go, to free yourself. Ask yourself and answer how this event affected you. Listen to the answer, draw conclusions for the future. And only by understanding the positive impact on you can you let go of the situation and move on. Any, even the most unpleasant and negative event teaches something: understanding, respect, love. Better yet, always be ready to accept whatever may happen. Be prepared for any outcome, then the unpleasant will not be a surprise, and the pleasant can be considered a gift of fate.

3. If you keep thinking about the same situation or person, you don’t imagine it’s possible to simply wish him happiness and move on, you just need to make your life as bright as possible, positive emotions. Try to do something new, find yourself a hobby. Let there be as many things in your life as possible that bring you pleasure and joy. Engage in self-development, learn to cook, knit, or any activity that you like. Why focus on one thing, because there are so many interesting things in the world! Even life is not enough to study everything without days off. Try something extreme, for example, skydiving. You will receive a sea of ​​emotions and unforgettable memories. There is no need to spend your day in sadness and boredom, sitting in front of the TV. Fill your time so that there is no time left for negative memories of the past. Remember what's going on right now best years of your life, is it worth wasting?

4. Just trust the Universe, believe that everything will be fine, no matter how bad it is now. Know that what you really need will happen to you, even if it does not coincide with your desires. Understanding this, do not become attached to the result and enjoy today, without regretting the past and without fear of the future. If you cannot get a desire, then you will have something else, and even better. This is what faith is. Believing that you will have everything you need to happy life, you just need to appreciate every moment you live. How stronger faith the easier it is to let go. You need to have such an attitude in all areas of life and for all occasions. By loosening your grip, you open yourself up to the unexpected and unforeseen. At the same time, you need to remain confident that you will be able to face whatever happens with dignity. By trusting the Universe, you accept that the results you get may not be what you expected. Of course, you shouldn’t stop wishing, just be ready for what life has to offer you. With this mindset, you become open to all possibilities. By letting go of the situation, you become calm, stress and tension disappear.

Question for a psychologist:

Psychologist Anna Viktorovna Sokolova answers the question.

Margarita, good afternoon.

I have carefully read your message.

Based on what you wrote, I came to the conclusion that you have developed codependency towards your partner (D.). Codependency is an “unhealthy”, pathological, abnormal attachment to another person. Codependent relationships are characterized by the presence of a connection with another person to the detriment of oneself, i.e. a person is drawn to another person, although it is very difficult for them together, sometimes unbearable. Codependency manifests itself in the desire to control the life of another person.

Causes of codependent relationships.

1.Low self-esteem.

2. Dysfunctional family. Repressive relationships in the family. Family of alcoholics.

3. Lack of personal boundaries.

4. Dependence on the opinions of other people.

5. Problems in intimate life.

6. The position of the victim.

Signs of a codependent relationship.

1. The importance of the partner is higher than personal importance.

2. Loss of interest in your hobbies and interests.

3. Loss of interest in relationships with friends and loved ones.

4.You feel jealous towards your partner.

5.You are preoccupied with thoughts and worries about your partner’s problems.

6.You tolerate disrespectful treatment.

7.You feel like a victim of circumstances.

Now, let's talk about how to get rid of codependent relationships.

1.Take responsibility for what is happening.

Margarita, answer your questions honestly: Does your partner treat you with dignity? Who allowed such an attitude? Are you worthy of this kind of treatment? How do you feel from such an attitude towards yourself?

2. Assess the prospects of these relationships. What will (or did) such a connection lead to? What do you get from this relationship? Analyze how reliable your partner is. Think about the price you pay and could pay by continuing this relationship.

3. Once and for all, give up the idea of ​​​​changing another person. A person can only change himself.

4.Make a decision to get rid of codependency. Margarita, this should only be your desire. Without it, advice, recommendations and any other help from psychologists will be in vain.

5. Work on your self-esteem. Increase your own importance. This is necessary for building subsequent healthy relationships. Without this, stories are usually repeated with other partners.

6. Learn to understand what you want from a relationship, what it should be.

7.Define your personal boundaries. And don't let them break them. And also learn to respect and not violate the personal boundaries of other people.

8.Get rid of the need to control other people's lives forever. Understand that we are not always able to control the events that happen to us. But we can take control of our reactions and emotions to certain events.

9. Learn to make your life bright and rich. There are enough ways to do this.

10. Communicate. Expand your circle of acquaintances. Let change into your life.

11. Don't blame yourself and others for mistakes. This is your experience. You need to draw conclusions and move on in life without dwelling on it.

12. Realize that you are a woman. Refuse any material support towards the man. A man should not lend money.

13. Break contact with this person once and for all. Realize that you are being taken advantage of and stop it. Only you can do this. Understand that he is comfortable communicating with you. When he needs it, he comes to you and takes advantage of you. Think: does he need you? If so, then for what? Does he care about your emotional state?

14. Learn to love yourself. Understand self-love is a fundamental feeling.

15. Realize your dreams and goals (preferably on paper). Determine ways to achieve them.

16. Learn to analyze your actions and motives.

17. Realize the fact that until you rid yourself of such relationships, your life will not change. Events will repeat and you will go in circles. Think about what you will end up with?

18. Say goodbye to being a victim.

19. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated and refuse manipulation on your part.

Margarita, I sincerely wish you to get rid of codependency. This is real and within your power. I wish you feminine happiness and harmony.

4.55 Rating 4.55 (10 Votes)

Let go. When should this be done? How to do it? I have a problem. She worries me a lot. I'm taking certain actions, but the problem is not solved.

Let go. When should this be done? How to do it?

I have a problem. She worries me a lot. I take certain actions, but the problem is not solved.

I keep fighting, but nothing changes. I feel sad, angry, irritated, despair. I constantly think about my problem or about a person and his problems and I can’t figure out how to solve these problems.

I take certain actions again and realize that everything has gotten even worse. I wish I hadn't done this.

And then they tell me: let me go.

How can I let go when this problem takes up all my thoughts, all my feelings, all my strength and all my time! If I'm obsessed with this problem!

Everyone says you need to let go, but no one tells you how to do it. And what do you need to let go of? Problem that's bothering me?

The person who creates problems for me?

Or my anxiety itself?

First, I looked in the dictionary:Dictionary: let go - provide freedom; allow to leave; stop holding; provide the opportunity to move; weaken, make more free; forgive (in the expression “to forgive sin”).

What is “letting go”?

Letting go is the ability to take a couple of steps away from the situation that is causing me problems or the person whose problems I care about.

When I'm in the middle of a difficult situation, it's hard for me to appreciate what's happening.

This state was wonderfully described by Yesenin.“You didn’t know that I was in complete smoke, in a life torn apart by a storm. That’s why I’m tormented because I don’t understand - Where the fate of events is taking us. Face to face You can't see your face. Big things can be seen from a distance. When the sea surface boils, the ship is in a deplorable state.”

Letting go means trying to look at a difficult situation, a complex problem, from the outside.

Letting go means putting a little more distance between me and the problem that’s bothering me, between me and the person I’m worried about. Increase the distance to look at all this from a different angle, as if from the outside.

The world is like a big choir, where each person has his own part. Suppose I am performing my soprano part, and a tenor is singing next to me and he is terribly out of tune, and he is always out of tune, at every concert. And I have already told him about this several times.

What can I do in this situation?

Start to fake it with him, adjusting to him?

Hit him over the head with the score and yell: “Stop being out of tune!”? Stop the concert and apologize to the audience?

Throw down your score in frustration and leave the stage offended?

Tell the tenor: “Let you be silent, and I will sing instead of you?” or “Let you be silent, and I will perform both of our parts at the same time?”

Or order him to stop singing, and if he doesn’t stop, start intimidating him, saying that I’ll snitch on him to the conductor?

It's funny and stupid, isn't it? Somehow childish?

But we do this often in life.

The only thing I can do in this situation is to step away.

Tell yourself: “All I can do is continue to play my part well. I can’t change this man, I can’t change the whole world.” This is what it means to let go.

But why is it so difficult to let go?

Why is it so difficult to increase this distance even a little?

Because we are painful pathologically attached to people or problems. By affection I do not mean normal feelings when we sympathize with people, sympathize with their problems or feel like part of a family, clan, team, country. Painful, pathological attachment is a state when we become over-involved, over-responsible, as if fixated.

When our consciousness is painfully obsessed with thoughts about someone or something, it is impossible to focus on something else, on some other problems or people, to focus on ourselves, our thoughts, our feelings, our life.

All thoughts constantly revolve around only one single problem or one single person and his problems.

The whole world shrinks to the size of just this problem or just this person.

We become attached to a person or problem mentally, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, psychologically, even physically.

We focus all our energy on people and problems. And we begin to lack energy to live our own life, solve your own problems. We begin to feel constantly tired, overwhelmed, and irritated.

We are like a charger for a cell phone: the phone has been charging for a long time, the message “Battery is charged, turn off the charger to save electricity” appears on the screen. But we still don’t disconnect, we continue to remain connected, and continue to charge and charge, although nothing is charged anymore and no one needs our energy. We continue to give energy.

We can't disconnect, we can't let go. Our attachment becomes unhealthy, painful.

Painful attachment can take many forms.

Let's look at some of them:

1) mental attachment: we constantly think about a person or a problem, our attention is always obsessed with this problem;

“I only think about this and can’t think about anything else”;

2) mental attachment (for example, attachment by fear): “if I don’t do what he wants, he will be furious”;

“If I have my way, she will have a heart attack again”;

“if I don’t do this, they will stop respecting me”;

3) automatic reaction: we act unconsciously, react to something or someone automatically, without thinking, almost at the level of a reflex, without understanding what we feel and think

“she made me angry, so I lost my temper”;

“he always makes me cry”;

“It infuriates me when they make comments to me.”

Moreover, we begin to overreact; any trifle can cause us a storm of emotions. At the same time, we do not understand what exactly caused such a storm of emotions in us.

4) emotional attachment:

we can become emotionally dependent on the people around us

“I feel sad when she is sad”;

“I get angry when he gets angry”;

5) psychological attachment: we can become rescuers, helpers, that is, people who constantly care about others, tying ourselves to their needs

“Did you take an umbrella?”;

“You called to work, are you going to be late?”;

“I have already made an appointment for you to see a doctor”;

“You must take this medicine”;

“I made you sandwiches for work, don’t forget to eat.”

6) emotional attachment: “I can’t get out of depression, I cry all the time, I take antidepressants - she got married and left me, her mother, and I gave her my whole life. Now her husband is more important to her than her mother!”

7)and even physical!“My mother’s blood pressure jumped on our wedding day and she did not attend our wedding; the next day she was taken by ambulance to the hospital. Now I always have to live with my mother for a long time, and then she feels good. As soon as I move in with my wife, my mother immediately becomes ill. This has been going on for a year now. My wife wants to divorce me. What should I do?!"

When we cannot detach or let go, we fall into painful attachment, we become obsessed. Obsession with another human being or problem is a terrible condition.

Have you ever seen anyone who is obsessed with someone or something?

Remember the character from Bulgakov’s novel “The Master and Margarita” by the poet Ivan Bezdomny. After meeting Woland, he became obsessed with the idea of ​​catching Woland and his entire gang.

But all his attempts end in nothing, and in the end he ends up in a psychiatric hospital with a diagnosis of schizophrenia.

But if he had not been possessed, he would have been able to reason sensibly and be able to understand what a person should catch evil spirits impossible.

Or remember a person who just fell in love. He cannot talk about anything except the object of his love. And even if he sits silently, and, as it seems to you, listens to you, he is far away with his thoughts. The image of his beloved or loved one is constantly spinning in his head, what he said, what he did, how he laughed, how he looked, etc.

Or remember a person who is overcome by jealousy.

He rummages through his pockets, looks through his mail, looks at messages on his phone, looking for signs of betrayal. So what, this can give some result?

Even if he discovers something and causes a scandal, his partner will begin to hide the traces of betrayal even more carefully from that moment on.

When you ask such people what they feel, they talk about what the other person is feeling.

When you ask such people what they are doing, they talk about what the other person is doing.

The entire focus of their attention is on someone or something, but not on themselves. They can't say what they feel and think because they don't know it.

Their focus is not on themselves.

She doesn't call, but by this time she usually did. Where is she now? He doesn't answer the phone, but he should.

Why doesn't he answer the phone? She usually comes home at 7, but now it’s already 8. What happened to her?

You don't know what; you don't know why: you don't know when; but you know for sure: something bad - something terrible - has already happened, is happening in this moment or about to happen. Anxiety is what obsession, painful attachment, over-involvement and over-responsibility lead to.

Fear usually grips us a short time, but anxiety hangs in the air constantly. It covers and paralyzes the consciousness, we begin to endlessly scroll through the same useless thoughts.

Obsession is very difficult to deal with obsessive thoughts and anxiety. It is impossible to sit still and relax.

We begin to feel like we urgently need to do something. But because our minds are paralyzed by anxiety, we begin to do meaningless and useless things.

Healthy, rational thoughts stop coming to our minds.

We begin to fuss, constantly doing something, in order to thus reduce the feeling of anxiety. If there is absolutely no way to occupy yourself in order to distract yourself from anxious thoughts, then you can chew gum, bite your nails, chain smoke and perform other compulsive actions.

We worry, fuss, do something all the time, keep other people under close attention and constant control. dey.

What if they do something wrong?

Maybe we need to do something to change their behavior?

Why do we want to control so much?

In addition to the fact that control reduces anxiety, the source of the need to control others also lies in the fact that we all need love and security.

Perhaps we lacked love and security as children, and now we are trying to forcefully take what we lacked. We try to control others to get what we need from them - love and security.

If we are controlling, it means that we cannot or do not know how to get from others what we need in another way, or we are very afraid of losing what we have.

This means that we feel very bad. We are scared, hurt, sad, lonely.

On the other hand, very often when we solve other people's problems, we mean that these others will solve our problems as a sign of gratitude.

We continue to remain small, weak, helpless children who do not want to solve our own problems.We also all have an unconscious desire to feel stronger than we actually are. And this is also the source of the desire to control others. Power over others gives a feeling of strength.

We may have carried away from our childhood a feeling of weakness and helplessness. And now we need to control others in order to feel stronger. Control replaces power for us.

After all, in childhood, our adult and strong parents controlled us - small and weak. Perhaps we have lived for a long time only for others, lived only their lives, and we have no life of our own left.

Now, to reduce anxiety, we must remain attached to them. We know that we are still alive if we have someone to worry about and someone to control. If we lose the object of our obsession, then it is as if we have nothing to live for, and an emptiness forms in our life.

As a result, we are drawn into a vicious circle: obsession - anxiety - control.

The more controlling I become, the more obsessively I begin to think about the problem or person I am controlling.

The more obsessed I become, the more anxious I become.

The more anxious I become, the more and more I begin to control.

The situation is getting out of control, I am being pulled into this vicious circle, into the whirlpool.

There is a feeling that I am sinking to the bottom of a deep well. As soon as we become attached by anxiety and worry to someone or something, we immediately distance ourselves from ourselves.

We lose touch with ourselves. We stop thinking, feeling, acting and caring for ourselves. We are no longer interested in ourselves. We lose control of ourselves and our lives.

Therefore, letting go is something that we need to do first in order to start working on ourselves, living our own lives, experiencing our own feelings and solving our own problems.

How to let go of obsession with painful thoughts, anxiety and desire to control?

How to focus on yourself, your life, and solving your problems?

Ideally, letting go means lovingly distancing yourself from a problem or person. We distance ourselves mentally, emotionally, and sometimes even physically.

Letting go means allowing life to take its course, allowing people to act in their own ways.

We believe that each person is responsible for himself, that we cannot solve problems that are not ours. We allow people to be who they are. We allow people to be the way they came into this world. We let them be responsible for themselves.

To let go, I first need to determine if the problem I'm worrying about is mine?

There are various options here:

1) the problem is mine

2) the problem is yours

3) the problem is our common one

4) no problem at all

If the problem is ours, then we try to determine what we can do in this situation and try to do it. But if we cannot do something or understand that our efforts lead to nothing, that our efforts are meaningless, we let go of this situation. We strive to find out whose problem it is, and what we can and cannot change. We do what we can to resolve the problem.

If we cannot solve a problem, but we have done everything we can, it means that we are learning to live with the problem or despite the problem.

I will give an example from my own experience. My husband gets up when I'm already leaving for work. And then one day I get up early in the morning, go to the kitchen to put the kettle on and suddenly I see a dirty Turk with yesterday’s dried coffee on the stove.

I’m all boiling up and thinking: “Well, nothing! I’ll tell him everything in the evening!”

And then I stop and start a dialogue with myself: “Are you going to drink coffee now? No. I always drink tea in the morning.

Do you need a Turk for this? No.

And your husband, does he always drink coffee in the morning? Yes.

This means that he will get up, go make himself some coffee, see that the Turk is dirty, and wash it. Do you care when he washes it, yesterday or today?”

And then I understand that this problem is not mine! And I let go of the situation.

Let's remember the example with the tenor that I gave in the first part. What can I do in this situation?

I can say to a tenor: “It seems to me that you and I are singing in different keys. To be honest, this prevents me from singing, and it really annoys me. Could we somehow resolve this issue?

If he agrees, then we work with him to solve the problem. If he doesn’t agree, I have no choice but to continue trying to perform my part as well as possible.

I can ask the conductor to put me in some other place, next to another tenor.

That's all.

And I don’t become hostile to this person, I don’t stop talking to him, I don’t get angry at him, I don’t discuss him with my colleagues behind his back, I don’t slander him.This is what it means to “let go with love.”

Letting go involves accepting reality and acknowledging facts. This requires faith - in yourself, in other people, in the natural order of things in this world.

We believe that fate has prepared some tests for us, and some for other people. And that everyone must go through their own tests and draw their own conclusions. Even from mistakes.

Letting go doesn't mean we don't care.

It means that we learn to love, to care, to enter into relationships with other people without necessarily going crazy, becoming obsessed and controlling people and their behavior.

We stop worrying about others and they start worrying about themselves. Each of us is busy with our own lives.

Until now we have lived for other people, for other people, instead of other people. And they didn’t do anything for themselves.

And our loved ones thought that we had no interests of our own, that it was enough for us to live their lives.

Now, when we begin to live our own lives, our loved ones discover that we have something else, some kind of life of our own. They get interested. If before this they were not interested in us, now they are beginning to be interested in our problems, our needs, our interests, our lives.

They start asking questions: What are you doing? Where have you been? Can I help you? What are you thinking about? What are you reading? You meet? Etc.

As soon as we become interesting to ourselves, we immediately become interesting to other people. When should we let go?

When we can't stop thinking about someone or something, talking about someone or something, worrying about someone or something; when we cannot stop controlling someone or something; when we think that we can no longer live with this problem.

Valid here good rule: we need to start letting go to the greatest extent when it seems to us that this is least possible.

To let go, I need to take the first step, admit the truth that I have become obsessed. that I have lost control over myself, over my own life, that I have a problem that I cannot let go, that I am powerless over this problem, that I constantly think obsessively about this problem or about this person and his problems, that I obsessed not only with thoughts, but also with anxiety that I am trying to control.

Including the fact that I need love, security, support and care, that I lack it, and that I try to get it by controlling other people. That I need a feeling of power, and so I try to control. Honesty is very important here. Honesty to yourself and to others.

No matter how scary the truth about me and my behavior is, knowing the truth about myself makes me free. Free to change your life for the better, to get out of the slavery of obsession, anxiety and control.

You can take this first step, admit the truth about yourself, on free, open groups psychological mutual assistance who work according to the 12 steps program.

Here's what the first step of the 12 step program looks like:

“We admitted that we were powerless over the problem, that we had lost control of ourselves.”

In order to start letting go of a situation, problem or person, you first need to admit that I have a situation in which I am not completely in control of myself, I am obsessed and I cannot think about anything else. We come to the group and talk about what keeps us captive to obsession.

We talk through the problem and it becomes easier for us. The fog seems to clear before our eyes, and we begin to see our situation and our problems more clearly. On the other hand, in the group we listen to the stories of other people, learn how they let go of their obsession, and learn from their experiences. We also understand that this is not only our unique problem.

Other people have similar problems.

During the letting go process, it is very important to remember a few things:

1) We do not abandon a problem or a person. We let go of a problem or a person, believing that everything in this world develops according to its own laws, over which we have no control.

The movement of electrons in orbits, the structure of molecules, the location of genes in DNA, the movement of planets around the Sun, the location of galaxies in the Universe - everything obeys certain laws that we cannot influence.

Perhaps the fate of each person is subject to certain laws over which we have no control?

Why do we think that we are able to influence the lives and destinies of other people?

Why do we think we can solve any problem? Are we gods? Did we create this Universe and its laws?

Even if we were not there, life would continue to take its course according to its own laws. Example. One day I became seriously ill. I could not walk, sit, sleep, eat, drink.

It was terribly painful for me to even lie down. But at the same time, I continued to think about my family: everything will go topsy-turvy, everything will collapse without me, everyone will walk around hungry, dirty, ragged. But it turned out that this was not the case.

Life continued to go on as usual without me: Groceries were bought, food was prepared, clothes were washed, buttons were sewn on, homework was done.

And suddenly I realized that if I had died now, nothing would have changed, no one would have died. They would probably grieve. And they continued to live. But I considered myself irreplaceable, almost God! I was sure that life would stop without me.

2) Letting go is a process. This doesn't happen instantly.

We did not fall into this state instantly either; we were gradually sucked into this process of obsession, anxiety, control, gradually worsening our condition. We are also gradually emerging from it. Sometimes we cannot let go, pull away immediately, abruptly. This is difficult and painful for us. Then we do it gradually, step by step.

Example. How I taught my son to go to school on his own. It was a 10-15 minute walk to school. The problem was that on the way to school it was necessary to cross two lanes without crossings or traffic lights with very busy traffic. Of course, at first I took my son to school myself.

Then we agreed that he would walk himself, and I would walk behind him at a distance of about 20 meters and watch him cross.

In the end, I was convinced that he could do this on his own, I calmed down, and he began to go to school on his own.

I let go not only and not so much of my son, I let go of my desire to control my son and his anxiety that he would do everything wrong, that he would get hit by a car. In fact, I didn’t let go of him, I let go of mine internal state obsession, anxiety and control.

3) You should not start letting go immediately with the most difficult problems, for example, trying to let go of difficult family problems.

To start, you can practice letting go of the little things.

Like in the example about the dirty Turk with dried coffee, which I already gave. There are always little things in our lives that we can practice on: toys not put away, socks thrown on the floor, homework not done, a dirty cup, etc.

4) Letting go is a difficult process and does not happen instantly.

This can be intimidating at first.

I have to be ready for this. If I'm not ready to let go, I feel like I'm going to get hurt, that I'm going to get depressed, that I'm going to have a nervous breakdown, then I don't let go.

I ask myself whether I can do this now or not. If I can't, then I don't do it. Honesty to yourself and to the other person is also very important here. If I tell a person that I will no longer interfere in his affairs, but continue to do so, then I am only making the situation worse.

It's better not to lie to yourself and say that I can't do this yet, I can't let go. Someday I will do it, yes.

Many people did this before me, and they succeeded, and I will succeed, but not now. I can't do this now. And continue to live with this problem, believing that in the future I will definitely have the strength so that I can take this step, I can let go.

Example. When my son became an adult, I realized that it was time for him to live on his own, and we parted ways. It was such a sudden release that I became depressed.

Two months later I felt really bad and I went to a psychiatrist.

He prescribed me antidepressants, and I even took them for a week.

And suddenly I asked myself: “Why are you taking these pills? What are you trying to suppress with these pills? What don't you want to think about? What don’t you want to work on?”

I stopped taking antidepressants and began to slowly come out of depression. In total, I came out of depression for four months.

5) When I begin to let go, I must share it with others. It is impossible to let go alone; it is very difficult psychologically.

I should have a “support group”, people who understand me, to whom I can honestly tell about my problems. 12-step groups are a great help in this process.

When I start to let go, start to change my behavior, start behaving in a new way, it can be very painful for me, very difficult psychologically. By coming to a group and just talking about what worries me, what I'm worried about, sharing with other people, I feel easier in the process of letting go.

I talk about my process of letting go, my feelings and my thoughts to someone else, other people, and it helps me behave in a healthy way, because other people see my situation from the outside, and they can tell me when I’m taking some wrong steps, going in the wrong direction, or not seeing something.

I find out how other people do it and it helps me. They can also support me by telling me that I'm doing the right thing. Encourage me when it’s hard, bad and painful for me, tell me that I will succeed. They can help me.

6) When I start to let go, I have to tell those around me, my loved ones, about it.

Because they may not understand what is happening, why I have changed so much, why my behavior has changed so much.

My new behavior may start to frighten them and may come as a shock to them. After all, I begin to behave in a new, unusual way for them.

7) It is important to remember that at first the situation may even worsen at first glance.

Because, firstly, I will experience severe emotional problems due to the fact that I act differently, not as before, in an unusual way for myself. And another person may also feel bad at first.

All the time I was for another person like a crutch on which he was used to leaning, I am always there, I take on all his problems, and he practically bears no responsibility for his life.

He is used to having someone else always solve his problems.

And then it suddenly turns out that now he himself will be responsible for his life, that his crutch is suddenly taken away from him. At the first moment he may fall because he is not used to taking responsibility, he is not used to doing something himself. There is a feeling that everything has become even worse, and you need to be prepared for this.

Understanding that then, after some time, the situation will begin to improve. Everything will return to the correct state, to the state it should be.

It's like in the case of the flu or acute respiratory infections. The temperature rises, the body aches, the head hurts very badly. I want to take a pill to bring down the temperature.

But the doctor does not advise lowering the temperature; you need to endure it. The body fights and develops immunity.

At first it’s bad, but then the temperature will subside on its own, and the body will begin to recover faster.

Why is it so hard in the beginning, when we let go and change our behavior?

Because it is very difficult to give up the usual way of behavior. We are designed this way, we get used to everything, adapt, even to bad things, this is how our psyche works.

Therefore, even bad, but familiar things are more comfortable for us than new and good, but unusual things.

This property of our psyche helps us survive in the most difficult conditions. Otherwise, our psyche might not be able to stand it.

But this same property of our psyche interferes with us when we need to change something in life.

IN ordinary life this is, for example, manifested in the fact that new fashion At first it is shocking and appears ugly. For example, flared or tight trousers.

But after a while we get used to it, and after a while the new fashion begins to seem not only attractive to us, but even beautiful and comfortable.

8) Letting go includes “the ability to live in the present moment” - to live here and now.

How often do I find myself thinking in the future: “When I have an interesting job...”.

And sometimes in the past: “Oh, if I hadn’t done this then...!”

In fact, I live either in the past or in the future.

And I don’t do anything in the present.

The process of letting go requires me to focus on the present moment, on what is happening now.

9) How else can I help myself in the process of letting go?

How to help yourself think soberly?

I can remember some similar situations from the past that I tried to control, but I couldn’t do anything, but which in the end were somehow resolved without my intervention.

I can remember them and support myself with the fact that I’ve already had something like this, when I tried to get involved in things that weren’t my own, and nothing happened, and then everything was decided without me.

Maybe this will happen this time too?

10) We must remember that in a state of obsession, anxiety and control, thinking becomes “tunnel”. I see only the problem that bothers me and do not see anything else around. My whole life centers around this problem.

To help me think straight, I can make a list of all the good things about me. life now, in addition to this problem that worries me.

I have a lot of good things in life. But for some reason I don't pay attention to it. Food, work, health, a roof over your head, family and friends.

Other people maybe don't even have this?

What is more in my life: good or bad?

11) I can put on one side of the scale all the good things that I have in my life, and on the other side what I think about obsessively. And ask myself, am I ready to sacrifice all the good things I have to solve this problem?

Is this problem, or this person and his problems, worth sacrificing everything for?If you have any questions about this topic, ask them to the experts and readers of our project

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet

Have you ever found yourself in a situation where a “wise” acquaintance, in response to your emotional speech, told you: “let go of the situation and everything will work out... you shouldn’t keep everything under control...”? Probably many have heard this phrase at least once, but few people understand what this almighty “let go of the situation” means and what it looks like in practice.

Freedom or a sign of weakness?...

To understand how to let go of a situation, you must first understand why it is needed and why you should not try to keep it under control.

“There is always the option to fight or give everything into the hands of fate. But does this mean that by letting go of the situation we give up and give up what we want?

- Not at all!

We simply move “from the stage to the auditorium,” where we will be able to experience the situation more comfortably and painlessly.

It is by moving away from details (emotions) that we gain the opportunity to consider the whole picture, to notice the right opportunity that has arisen - the necessary turn of fate that will lead to happiness.

We are not talking about the momentary joy of achieving a small goal, when with the mind and titanic efforts we managed to drive everything into the usual or desired framework, but about the state of “full long-term happiness.”

Observation is not meaningless, it implies our participation and actions, but not “chaotic exhaustion,” but correct ones from the point of view of the Universe.

Why let the situation go?

Being inside the situation, we are immersed in the desire to change something, rearrange it, fake it, challenge it, criticize it, or reject it outright as unacceptable. This happens due to the fact that we initially set a certain format for what we want, try to keep it under control, and all the “puzzles of circumstances” that are not included in this framework cause irritation. But these “unaccommodating” disgusting circumstances are nothing more than the idea of ​​the Universe.

We all want True Love and True Happiness, but we refuse the path along which the inherently Perfect Universe leads us.

It turns out that dissatisfaction with circumstances is a non-acceptance of the Universal laws and dissatisfaction with the Higher Powers (everyone is free to mean by this the Universe, God, the Absolute, etc. according to their beliefs). Anyone who is initially considered uninteresting, stupid and useless will treat you in much the same way, so why Higher power should ultimately lead to Happiness if there is no trust?

By letting go of the situation, not to be confused with inertia and lack of initiative, a person gets the opportunity to walk through the door (or at least out the window, like the most persistent and stubborn ones), and not bang his head against the wall. Of course, the inner voice will demand that you keep the situation under control and not let go, but it’s worth taking the risk and it turns out that not only has the world not collapsed, but that changes for the better may have occurred.

What is the limit of worries and worries?

Of course you can immerse yourself in emotions. We do not experience them in vain. And each of our experiences - a litmus test in the chemistry of life - draws attention to weaknesses, giving us the opportunity to work on ourselves. But protracted negative emotions capable of knocking people out of balance so much that depression sets in.

The time to let go came when:

Thoughts revolve around a certain moment, causing negative emotions

There is no more strength, but there is an obsessive need to do something

The general condition is restless and interferes with living and enjoying life

This means your inner “Susan” mind has led you into a “swampy forest” and is not going to help you get out. It is precisely such cases that require you to immediately let go of the situation and stop keeping everything under your control.

How to let go

1. Switch to letting go of the situation.

One of the most difficult stages is letting go of a situation when it has grown on you. You definitely need to find something to do that will keep the “Susanina” occupied with something else, so as not to go even further into the forest. This could be anything from going to the shops and cinemas, to cleaning the house and washing windows. A distracting maneuver must be distracting, so “thinking” is strictly prohibited during it.

If you still can’t let go of the situation, then you can start mentally reciting every action you are performing at the moment. Concentrate on what is happening around you: mentally describe the details, count everything that can be counted (you can count your breath), touch and analyze your sensations, etc.

2. Determine how this disappointment relates to your “global” ultimate goal.

If you have completed the first step relatively successfully, then some freshness brain activity secured. Now let’s take a look from the outside at the situation that you want to keep under control.

We were constantly taught: “Think with your own head! Do you realize what you are doing? Explain to me your action! Learn your lessons, only with your mind you can achieve something in life

Let go of the situation: accept the “deviation” from your script!

The existence of flows in the flow of options frees the mind from two overwhelming burdens:

• the need to solve problems rationally
• constantly monitor the situation.

​ Of course, provided that he allows himself to be freed.

The two mentioned burdens have been hanging on the mind since childhood.

We were constantly taught: “Think with your own head! Do you realize what you are doing? Explain to me your action! Learn your lessons, only with your mind you can achieve something in life. Your stupid head! Are you going to think or not?” Educators and circumstances molded the mind into a “soldier”, ready at any moment to find an explanation, give an answer to the question posed, assess the situation, make a decision, and maintain control over what is happening. The mind is trained to act expediently from the point of view of common sense.

Just don’t think that I’m so presumptuous that I’m ready to completely dismiss common sense. On the contrary, common sense is minimally necessary set rules on how to behave in the world around us in order to survive. The only mistake of reason is that he follows this code of rules to the letter and too straightforwardly. An obsession with common sense prevents the mind from looking around and seeing what does not agree with these rules.

And there are a lot of discrepancies with common sense in the world. This is confirmed by the inability of the mind to explain everything and protect a person from problems and troubles. There is a very simple way out of this situation: rely on flows for options. The rationale for this is also very simple: flows contain precisely what the mind is looking for - expediency.

As you know, flows follow the path of least resistance.

The mind also strives to reason sensibly and logically, based on cause-and-effect relationships. But imperfection of mind does not allow him to accurately navigate the world around him and find the only correct solutions.

Nature is initially perfect, therefore there is more expediency and logic in flows than in the wisest reasoning. And no matter how convinced the mind is that it is thinking sensibly, it will still make mistakes. However, the mind will make mistakes in any case, but there will be much fewer of them if it moderates its zeal and, if possible, allows problems to be resolved without its active intervention.

You already know that putting pressure on the world is not only useless, but also harmful. By not agreeing with the flow, the mind creates excess potentials. Transurfing offers a completely different path. Firstly, we create obstacles ourselves, pumping up excess potentials. If you reduce the importance, the obstacles will disappear on their own. Secondly, if an obstacle cannot be overcome, you should not fight it, but simply bypass it. Guide signs will help with this.

The trouble with the mind is that it tends to perceive events that do not fit into its scenario as obstacles. The mind usually plans everything in advance, calculates, and if then the unexpected happens, he begins to actively fight it in order to adjust the events to his scenario.

As a result, the situation is getting even worse. Of course, the mind is not able to plan events perfectly. This is where we need to give more freedom to the flow. The current is not interested in breaking your destiny. This, again, is impractical. Fate is broken by the mind with its unreasonable actions.

Think for yourself: when are people happy, satisfied, satisfied with themselves? When everything goes according to plan. Any deviation from the script is perceived as failure.

Inner importance does not allow the mind to accept the possibility of deviation. The mind thinks: “After all, I planned everything in advance, calculated it. I better know what is good for me and what is bad. I am reasonable." Life often gives people gifts that they accept reluctantly because they didn't plan for them. “This is not the toy I wanted!”

The reality is that we rarely get exactly the toys we planned, so we all walk around so angry and dissatisfied. Now imagine how much more joyful life will be if the mind will reduce its importance and recognize the right to the existence of deviations in the scenario!

Everyone can regulate their own level of happiness. The lower bar for this level is very high for most people, so they do not consider themselves happy. I don't encourage you to be content with what you have. A dubious formula, such as “if you want to be happy, be happy,” is not suitable for Transurfing. You will receive your toy, but we'll talk about that later. Now we're talking about about how to avoid troubles and reduce the number of problems.

It is the mind’s reluctance to allow deviations in its scenario that prevents it from using ready-made solutions in the flow of options. The manic tendency of the mind to keep everything under control turns life into a continuous struggle with the flow. How can he allow the current to run its course without obeying his will? This is where we come to the most main mistake mind.

The mind strives to control not its movement with the flow, but the flow itself. This is one of the main reasons for all sorts of problems and troubles.

An expedient flow moving along the path of least resistance cannot generate problems and obstacles - they are generated by a stupid mind. Activate the Overseer and observe, at least for one day, how your mind tries to control the flow:

• They offer you something, but you refuse;
• They are trying to tell you something, but you brush it off;
• Someone expresses their point of view, and you argue;
• Someone does it their own way, and you guide him on the right path;
• They offer you a solution, but you object;
• You expect one thing, but get another and express dissatisfaction;
• Someone disturbs you and you become furious;
• Something goes against your script, and you rush into a frontal attack to direct the flow in the right direction.

Maybe for you personally, everything happens a little differently, but there is still some truth. Right?

Now try loosening the grip of your control and allowing more freedom to flow. I am not suggesting that you agree with everyone and accept everything. Just change your tactics: shift your center of gravity from control to observation. Strive to observe rather than control. Do not rush to dismiss, object, argue, prove your point, interfere, manage, criticize.

Give the situation a chance to resolve without your active intervention or opposition. You will be, if not stunned, then definitely surprised. And a completely paradoxical thing will happen. By giving up control, you will gain even more control over the situation than you had before.

An outside observer always has a greater advantage than a direct participant. That's why I keep saying: rent yourself out.

When you look back, you will see that your control went against the grain. The suggestions of others were not without merit. There was no point in arguing at all. Your intervention was unnecessary. What you saw as obstacles were not obstacles at all. Problems are already resolved safely without your knowledge. What you didn't get as planned isn't that bad. Randomly thrown phrases really have power. Your mental discomfort served as a warning. You didn’t waste any extra energy and were satisfied. This is the luxurious gift of flow to the mind that I spoke about at the beginning.

And of course, in addition to everything that has been said, let’s remember about our “friends”. Pendulums prevent you from moving in accordance with the flow. At every step they provoke a person, forcing him to pound the water with his hands. The presence of a flow in a current does not suit pendulums for the simple reason that the flow goes in the direction of minimal energy consumption. The energy expended by a person to fight the flow goes to create excess potentials and feed pendulums. The only control that deserves attention is control over the level of internal and external importance. Remember that it is the importance that prevents the mind from letting go of the situation.

In many cases, letting go of the situation is much more effective and useful than insisting on your own. People's desire for self-affirmation since childhood gives rise to the habit of proving one’s importance. This is where the tendency to prove one’s rightness comes from, which is harmful in all respects at any cost. This desire creates excess potential and conflicts with the interests of other people. Often people try to prove that they are right even in cases where the verdict in one direction or another does not directly affect their interests.

Some people have such an exaggerated sense of inner importance that they strive to insist on their own in every little detail. Inner importance develops into a mania to keep everything under control: “I will prove to everyone that I am right, no matter what the cost.” Bad habit. It makes life very difficult, especially for the defender of the truth himself.

If your interests do not suffer greatly from this, feel free to let go of the situation and give others the right to beat their hands in the water. If you do this consciously, you will immediately feel at ease in your soul, even easier than if you had proven your point of view. You will be satisfied with the fact that you have risen to a higher level: you have not, as usual, defended your importance, but acted like a wise parent with foolish children.

Let me give you another example.

Excessive zeal at work is as harmful as carelessness. Let's say you got a prestigious job that you have long dreamed of. You place high demands on yourself because you believe that you are obligated to show your best.

That's right, but if you get down to business too zealously, you most likely won’t be able to withstand the stress, especially if the task is complex. IN best case scenario your work will be ineffective, and at worst you will have a nervous breakdown. You may even falsely believe that you are unable to do the job.

Another option is possible. You develop vigorous activity, and thereby disrupt the established order of things. You feel like there's a lot you can improve at work, and you're absolutely confident that you're doing the right thing. However, if your innovations entail a disruption in the usual way of life of your employees, do not expect anything good. This is the case when initiative is punishable. You have been placed in a slow, but calm and balanced current, and you are beating your hands on the water with all your might, trying to swim faster.

Well, now it turns out that you can’t say a word against it, and you can’t stick your neck out at all? Well, not quite that tough. We must approach this issue from a mercantile point of view. You can only be indignant and scold what directly bothers you, and only if your criticism can change something for the better. Never criticize something that has already happened and cannot be changed. Otherwise, the principle of going with the flow should not be applied literally, agreeing with everyone and everything, but only by shifting the center of gravity from control to observation. Observe more and do not rush to control. A sense of proportion will come to you on its own, you don’t have to worry about it. published